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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my friend she should be grateful for what she has got, not what she wants

30 replies

sparkleshine · 09/06/2011 23:13

Hi.
A friend of mine who I adore very much has been thinking about having another baby for a while. She has 3 girls ages 7,4 and 3. The first 2 were through IVF and 3rd completely by surprise and naturally.

Whilst casually talking about it she said that her and her DH were seriously considering getting IVF abroad to have gender selection for a boy.

Now they aren't short of money and could afford this no problem, but I can't help thinking that this is going too far. They have 3 beautiful daughters and are lucky to have them considering what an awful time they had TTC DD1 and also thinking of the many women who cannot have children.
I made my thoughts known and we haven't spoken since. Don't know why I feel so strongly about this. I'm quite an open minded person but this just seems selfish.

OP posts:

BagofHolly · 09/06/2011 23:15

if they hadn't had IVF to conceive their girls, but wanted a boy, would you still feel the same?

worraliberty · 09/06/2011 23:16

I'm not surprised you haven't spoken since.

It's not really your business is it?

I don't agree with gender selection unless there's a medical reason, but all the same it's up to them.

BluddyMoFo · 09/06/2011 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thegruffalosma · 09/06/2011 23:18

Why does it seem selfish? It's nothing to do with you. I would be pissed off with you giving your opinion when it wasn't asked for if I was your friend. What's wrong with just being happy for them?

fatlazymummy · 09/06/2011 23:19

If they're paying for the treatment themselves and are able to care for the child then it really hasn't got anything to do with anyone else.

worraliberty · 09/06/2011 23:20

Also, 'the many women who cannot have children'...well their situation won't change because your friends are doing this.

If it were taxpayers money, that would be selfish...but it's not.

pooka · 09/06/2011 23:20

If they have the money, it's what they both want and their existing children are loved and wanted as well already, then I don't see how it can be a selfish decision.

I don't agree with gender selection on principle, but not because it's selfish - more because I think it's a step too close to eugenics in terms of physical attributes, like picking a blue eyed child, or a tall child. But thatq is my personal opinion and I suect that if a friend mentioned that she wanted to have gender selection I would not criticise the decision but would try to be supportive.

While I don't see the sirwbility of it myself, so agree with you in that respect, I think you should have kept your views on what is a very personal decision to yourself.

pooka · 09/06/2011 23:21

Desirability. Suspect.

Wretched autocorrect.

WhoAteMySnickers · 09/06/2011 23:22

I don't wonder why your friend hasn't spoken to you since. If you can't be supportive then don't say anything.

DogsBestFriend · 09/06/2011 23:22

Why selfish? They aren't harming anyone, the child would be loved and wanted. Isn't that like saying that they are selfish to have IVF because for many folk in this world that's not an option?

I can't honestly see why you are so cross that they want to have another child. Surely that they are considering choosing the sex is irrelevant. I'd hazard a guess that if they had the option far more people would do that than we might think, or care to think.

Why not celebrate the fact that they love their children and want to share that love with another child?

LordOfTheFlies · 09/06/2011 23:23

I'm sure she is 'grateful for what she's got' but she worked damn hard to get her daughters.
I think we're all guilty of wanting- sometimes something we can't have.
She might have a 4th and it might be another girl,that's the risk she'd have to take.( Risk isn't the right word but YKWIM)

Maybe this is a situation to say nothing but I'm sure she must know there are people opposed to what she is planning.

skybluepearl · 09/06/2011 23:23

they really feeling there is a child missing from thier lives, there is a longing there and it doesn't matter if you have 1 or 7 kids to be honest. how can they control a feeling thats so instinctive?

skybluepearl · 09/06/2011 23:24

maybe you could just support her in what ever she decides to do - after all that's what friends do.

worraliberty · 09/06/2011 23:27

My Aunt had six daughters naturally and finally she had a boy!

Then when my Uncle died, she re-married and her new Husband had 4 daughters (that he was raising alone)

My poor male cousin had to go nextdoor to use the bathroom when they were all getting ready to go out

posterofagirl · 09/06/2011 23:28

Is this actually a post about the Beckhams? Because it seems a bit fishy to me.

However mind your own, if she has the money and resources she is not robbing anyone else of anything.

BagofHolly · 09/06/2011 23:37

Whoever it's about, it's a unanimous YABU!

betterwhenthesunshines · 09/06/2011 23:41

Maybe she was feeling a bit over-sensitive as she knows she's asking for a lot. Make the first move and say you're sorry if you didn't mean to upset her.

DontGoCurly · 09/06/2011 23:42

I don't see anything wrong with what they're doing.

You were wrong to tell her your opinion. It kind of comes across as you are a bit jealous or begrudging or something?

Haystack · 09/06/2011 23:53

Actually not unanimous I agree with OP. Also why can't close friends who respect each other, be honest about differing views without it causing a rift, surely those friendships are special, vital even. On controversial issues, and for me sex selection for non medical reasons is extremely controversial whoever is paying for it, it is inevitable that some people will hold strong views, it is possible to share them without judgement. The issues go far beyond one family's deep desire for a child of a particular sex and into the realms of ethical questions we, in general, have barely begun to consider the implications of, so yes feels selfish to me too.

sunnydelight · 10/06/2011 06:49

If you adore your friend, why do you feel so incapable of being supportive on this. It may not be the choice you would make, but it seems like it's something that is an option for them, doesn't hurt anyone, so why not? Telling her she should be grateful for what she has is so patronizing it's no wonder she doesn't want to talk to you any more. At what point should people feel that they shouldn't have any more children as it's not very fair on those who can't have any? I think maybe you should examine your motivation here and try and work out why you feel so strongly about it - do you want more kids but can't afford them, would you secretly have liked one of a different gender to what you have? Perhaps if you figure that out you might be able to rebuild a friendship.

PonceyMcPonce · 10/06/2011 06:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aurynne · 10/06/2011 07:05

I struggle to see why what she is doing is "selfish"... Selfish against whom exactly?

EricNorthmansMistress · 10/06/2011 07:42

YANBU actually. Gender selection is awful as a concept for many many reasons. As a society we do not want it to become normal, there is a reason why it's illegal here, because our medical profession has a code of ethics! As a family decision after three girls it's also pretty shit. Politically and morally I would object and make my feelings known.

I was going to sat YABU but I was thinking about the private IVF thing, rather than the selection aspect.

cannydoit · 10/06/2011 08:39

i am with eric northmans mistress on this , gender selection is not something someone should be allowed to do the repercussion for our society if this were to become to the norm are huge.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 10/06/2011 08:43

Why is it selfish? What she's doing doesn't affect her daughters except that they might get a sibling. Unless she's planning to sell them into slavery to fund it then so what. And agree, what she does makes no difference to those who cannot have children. That's a silly argument.

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