To ask what they want? (petty, I suspect)

[Irksome]

have a feeling I have been, now.

So, Thursdays are the only day of the week when we can all eat together at the same time, what with other stuff that goes on on other days. I asked them (dp and dds) if there was anything they fancied, and got at first flippant replies ('whatever makes you happy', which is a kind of running joke at ours) and then 'chili', which was last time vetoed by dd2 on the grounds that 'we always end up having chili on Thursdays'. However when I point this out, everyone says 'no, it's fine' in a not-massively-enthusiastic way. So I said, well actually it is a point, we do quite often have chili on Thursday, I'll have a think during the day of something else, don't worry about it.

Then when dp said goodbye to the girls he said to me in response to my attempts to not sound moody, 'well, I know you're cross with me but I will say goodbye to you' and off he goes - basically this means 'don't try to smooth that over and pretend we're not annoyed with one another, this mood is not over yet'. And I suddenly find myself properly furious.

I think it's because

1. I would have really liked it if my mum had ever asked what I fancied for tea, not regarded it as a big pain in the arse to have to think about it, as all my family do. They seem to think (especially dp) that I'm shifting responsibility onto them for what we have, and maybe I am. I dunno.
2. I think, really, what I wanted was some sort of affirmation that anyone might especially like anything I ever make, and have some kind of a yen to eat it
3. just mindlessly saying 'lets have the thing we have most weeks' isn't really showing any enthusiasm, is it?
4. I really really hate it when I make something and no-one really likes it, or it turns out one person never really liked it, or I've put something 'wrong' in it.
5. I'm being all self-pitying and hard-done-by and unreasonably upset/annoyed.

So do I make chili and pretend there wasn't this narkiness, or what, hmm?

Then have that, set the table call them all down when they are sat there chuck a load if take away menus on the table and fuck off upstairs with your wine

Just cook whenever you want to cook... if this is an issue every Thursday, make it a non issue by making whatever YOU want to cook, with as much variety as you choose.

BTW - I had got suckered into a habit of cooking several different versions of the same meals because people didn't like X or Y. I got hacked off with this after a while and now I make no allowances and mostly food still gets eaten.

Don't go to the shop!! Get take away or if you can't afford it buy some ready made pizzas. Play a game after dinner to decide who chooses next weeks dinner.

Also you are not the only couple who have this kind of pointless simmering tension - everyone I know has it over something - bins, money, cooking, football, etc. But you really should express how you feel - eloquently- over pizza tonight.

Make a casserole, stew, goulash style of thing (there are a thousand variations and you can put in/leave out anything as required). Make it on Wednesday because these things taste better reheated the next day.

Then you don't have to cook on Thursday. Sorted.

I do not blame you for being fed up OP. Yiou are trying to love and nurture your family and they are vocally unappreciative!

Tonight i would say to them they need to sort themselves out, as no-one came up with ideas and you did not either.

If all else fails, a meal of beans on toast never hurt anyone.

Ok to be fair, the kids are good eaters, and generally more sorry to me than they are ratty when there is something they really don't like - and there's plenty they do like, too.

It's the resentment at being asked I don't get/don't like.

YANBU!
I'd be annoyed too, seems like they moan no matter what you do and are taking you and your cooking for granted.
Cook your favourite just for you and they can sort themselves out for a change.

Ask them why it is then? Maybe they sruggle to think of things they like and would be happier with a list of suggestions to pick from. Maybe they are picking up on the tension between you and DP regarding the selection. The 'in' joke about whatever 'makes you happy' has to stop though. They need to know it isn;t making you happy - it's making you want fags and wine!

DIY pizzas would be another option - buy some pizza bases and basic tomato sauce, and provide grated cheese, some ham and pepperoni, sliced onions, peppers, sweetcorn, tomatoes etc, and let each one make up their own pizza - then you bung them in the oven (the pizzas, not the dp/dds), and bung onto table.

No-one can moan because they all made their own!

Similar thing is wraps - tortilla wraps (bought), various salady bits, char grilled chicken, grated cheese, guacamole and sour cream - everyone piles their wrap with their choice, folds it up, noshes. Again, no-one should be able to complain (you know what they like and can try to put something each one likes on the table).

However, I absolutely understand why you are feeling narked by this - the combination of complaining/moaning when you ask them what they want for tea, and the possibility of them looking at what you do make and saying they don't like it - well, I'd be irked too!

When i was young it was like this:
Mum: What do you fancy for tea?
Me and my brother: Pizza!
Mum: I'll make pasta with chicken because i have some left over chicken.

Next day:
Mum: What do you fancy for tea?
Me and db: Burgers!
Mum: I will make beans, they are cheaper.

I 'm not saying that you do this OP.

Maybe asking in the morning when they are rushing is not a good idea. Just cook what you fancy and enjoy your wine.

DH is a bit like this when I am doing the shopping list, and it bugs me too. I like coooking, and the arrangement we have got (that I almost invariably do it, and he does other chores in lieu) suits me.

However, the fact he can't even bestir himself to tell me what he likes, might like to eat, wants to avoid for whatever reason, really irritates me. So not only do I have to cook, I have to do all planning, shopping, searching for ideas etc.

The only thing is, I do suit myself as a result, and enforce healthy eating, sensible budgeting and variety. He sometimes doesn't like what gets served up, but that is the price of not being prepared to devote any headspace to it in any way. Fish soup tonight, I like it, he's not that keen, tough.

How about making it turn about to choose, so for today, as you don't have much time to plan, do what you want, next thursday, someone else has to choose.

Might be a good idea to make up list of whats possible & what you are prepared/able to make, don't know age of DDs but if young might struggle to make appropriate suggestions.

Might want to pick out of hat/other random way, the order of who chooses.

laquitar yeah, that is a very fair point actually, and I have to confess to recognising myself in your mum there a bit.

eldritch - yeah. He and I are opposites in terms of supermarket shopping, which we alternate week by week.

He likes a list, and will ask me 'do we need x', and 'are we ok for y', to be fair also checking himself, but I kind of think if it's not my week to shop I shouldn't have to write the sodding list.

I just go and walk down every aisle and get what stuff I know we're out of/ want, which obviously annoys him if I forget something

And in all honesty, I end up doing an exactly equal amount of 'top-up' shops through the week no matter who has shopped.

I agree with whoever said that giving a "choice" rather than just an open ended thing.

(although I agree more with the "Pot Noodle + sort yourselves out, I'm going to the pub thing" TBH)

So you could say, I am going to make either

1. spag bol or
2. chilli (for example)

which would you prefer? If there's a thing going on then you say "POT NOODLE THEN! HA HA HA!" and go to the Pub.

Make something you think of as a treat, and ask them what they want. I'll give the kids the benefit of the doubt, but your DP is obviously more than capable of sharing responsibility for decision making.

Oh, and try to make sure that your favourite food is something he's not particularly fond of

Sorry, brain fail! Make something you think of as a treat and make them eat it or they have nothing! WTF did i type the first time?!

It's the resentment at being asked I don't get/don't like

Actually .... perhaps they all feel pretty much the same way as you, ie they know that whatever they might suggest, someone will moan about it! :) Hence the lack of enthusiasm.

anyway there are some good suggestions here, I would collect as many suitable ideas as possible and just rotate them.

I just started buying Good Food magazine after being thoroughly bored of the same food over and over. It's been a revelation in my kitchen! This week We did salmon and brown rice salad, beef schnitzel with potato salad, spag bol and tonight will be Indonesian style fried rice with macarel. Really easy stuff to make. Get inspired and make what you want!

OP, i don't think YABU. Every morning I ask DH and DD what they want for dinner.
DD always wants chips and DH always says 'whatever you fancy making'.

Patricia I think you are probably right, actually, and that's a really good point.

Hey ho!

Kreecher, yeah, you just want some sense that there's something you could make that they'd look forward to eating!

Not to mention the fact that lots of stuff I like has dropped off the radar over the years as one or other of them doesn't like it any more/never liked it ever, apparently.

Am probably expecting too much in terms of enthusiasm, really.

I like the beans on toast idea. Serve it up and if they say anything tell them that "It's what makes you happy."

Also get them to make a list of foods/meals they genuinely don't like. Give them until x date and say if they don't give you a list by then they lose the right to whinge if you serve up something they don't like.

mmm i want beans on toast theres DH and DDs tea sorted for the night i think we should have a mass mumsnet beans on toast tea night tonight lol :) that'd be awesome!!

Wtf? Who cares? Jeez!