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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think emotional abusing your child should warrant an investigation

36 replies

LoopyLiz88 · 08/06/2011 17:42

My friend is a horrible mother. Last night myself and DH and our dc had dinner with her and her dd. My friend was about to fall out so I asked her what was wrong. She said she took 3 of her anxiety pills when she's only supposed to take one. SHe went to take a nap and I was to wake her when I left. I tried and couldn't so I sent my dc home with DH and bathed her dd and put her to bed. She also blames her dd(almost 4) for ruining her relationships. She doesn't have relationships...just guys she sleeps with. I'm terrified that something like this will happen tonight. I called her dd's stepmom because her and her husband needed to know what is going on. They called child protection and was told that since I was there I needed to make the report. Not something I wanted to do BUT I did it and since I didn't SEE her put the pills in her mouth and I was there so her dd wasn't neglected that there is nothing they could do. How is that right?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/06/2011 17:46

Couldn't the child's father have gone round and picked up the little girl rather than let her stay with an unconscious (?) mother? Lots of people sleep with multiple partners. Lots of people are bad tempered and unpleasant to their children. Unfortunately, child protection are treading a fine line between 'preventing serious problems' and 'interfering in family life' and can't wade in every time something goes slightly wrong

GypsyMoth · 08/06/2011 17:46

well look,what do you actually expect them to do? in all honesty,what?

loiner45 · 08/06/2011 17:47

you have a strange understanding of friendship IMO - where is the help and support?

Original poster

LoopyLiz88 · 08/06/2011 17:55

I've been trying but everytime she has the child something like this happens or she asks me to keep her. I don't mind having her dd stay over but why is she bothering to take her if she won't spend time with her? Her sleeping around isn't the problem, its her blaming her dd for them not wanting to stay with her. She "forgets" to bathe her dd and still has her in nappies at home with her. She is a much happier child when not with her mum. She has punished her dd because her lastest "boyfriend" stopped seeing her. What would have happened if they'd been alone last night? She could have hurt herself or gotten abducted!

OP posts:

shockers · 08/06/2011 17:56

She sounds like she's an emotional wreck. Do you think she would have taken too many if you hadn't been there though?

Thingumy · 08/06/2011 18:00

the abuse of the pills needs looking into for sure.

She must of knew they would whack her out and who would be there to look after her child if you weren't there.

The father needs to step up to the mark too and remove the child if he thinks there is neglect or mental abuse going on.

saffy85 · 08/06/2011 18:02

This sounds like something the child's dad should be dealing with. Assuming he knows what state his DD's mum gets into why doesn't he step in and deal with it? SS can take their time dealing with this stuff due to huge workloads and loads of hoops to jump through. Surely if there is evidence your "friend" isn't coping with motherhood the child's dad could have custody of her fulltime, aleast for now?

Also why are you friend with someone you don't seem to like?

Original poster

LoopyLiz88 · 08/06/2011 18:03

SHe is and she is in therapy but doesn't tell the therapist what goes on so how can he help her? She claims she didn't think the pills would do that but she must have had an idea that thy would. Her DD is living with her dad but my friend has her on wednesdays and every other weekend. She had her last night because she didn't have her last weekend.

OP posts:

Thingumy · 08/06/2011 18:07

I thinkk you leave it with the father and it's up to him to maybe stop the overnight visits for the moment until the mother has sorted out her head.

She needs to be honest with those surrounding her including her therapist.

She shouldn't be given pills if she is not capable of taking them as prescribed-she could end up overdosing.

Original poster

LoopyLiz88 · 08/06/2011 18:08

We've been friends for years and she is a good person but a bit thick about some things. When she isn't worrying about some bloke she is quite a bit better about staying functional with her dd but it has gotten worse the past few months.

OP posts:

Sassybeast · 08/06/2011 18:10

Why didn't her father go and collect her?

Thingumy · 08/06/2011 18:11

Poor child

saffy85 · 08/06/2011 18:15

Do you know her family at all? Someone needs to know that she's messing with her medication as she's playing with fire. Maybe her parents/sibling/close friend could make an appointment with her GP and go with her to the appointment so they know she's in need of help now. My sister and I have had to do this with our mum over the years when she's not been coping with her depression. Failing that, next time she says she's overdosed, even if she says it isn't by much, take her to hospital and they will hopefully help her as most hospitals will have on an call mental health team for this kind of stuff.

I don't know your friend but FWIW I think it's harsh to call her a horrible mother. She sounds very ill. Her daughter shouldn't have to suffer for that but she doesn't have to if other people step up the plate and protect her, like her dad for starters. If I thought my DD was at risk of any kind of harm I'd keep her away from that person, wouldn't matter who they were.

uselesscamhs · 08/06/2011 18:16

I'm confused, Loopy.

''AIBU to think emotional abusing your child should warrant an investigation''

but

''They called child protection and was told that since I was there I needed to make the report. Not something I wanted to do BUT I did it and since I didn't SEE her put the pills in her mouth and I was there so her dd wasn't neglected that there is nothing they could do. How is that right?''

Well do you think it should be investigated or not?

Fifis25StottieCakes · 08/06/2011 18:18

I think you need to take a step back and leave it with dd's dad to sort out. He needs to stop her sleeping over or something could happen.

HushedTones · 08/06/2011 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

LoopyLiz88 · 08/06/2011 18:20

Her father was working away and wasn't told until this morning. I know her family very well and they've tried talking to her and things but it hasn't helped. I think calling her a horrible mother is acceptable when she has screamed at her dd because her boyfriend dumped her, not bathed her for several days at a time to the point that she STUNK, and that her dd doesn't even get her teeth brushed when there.

OP posts:

TotemPole · 08/06/2011 18:20

That's what the OP's saying. She phoned dad & step mum, they phoned SS, then the OP phones SS but they didn't do anything because she was there.

I think it's dangerous for the DD. What if there's a fire and mum can't wake up?

The DD should go live with her dad and step mum while the mum sorts herself out.

Fifis25StottieCakes · 08/06/2011 18:24

If this was the other way round and the dd lived with the DM and went to DF's and he done what she done no one would hesitate to stop contact TBH

HushedTones · 08/06/2011 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

LoopyLiz88 · 08/06/2011 18:30

If this had been the first time something like this had happened I wouldn't have talked to the stepmum or dad or SS. I just think that if social services when round that she'd wake up and realize that what she's doing isn't ok.

OP posts:

Original poster

LoopyLiz88 · 08/06/2011 18:36

I've been friends with her since we were in nursery and have always given her my honest(if rather harsh) opinions when she asks. She took 3x her prescriped dose and was passed out in bed. She has done this before and has brought her DD to me at 3am to meet a bloke ffs! She loves her DD but she is not in the right place to parent her right now. I don't want her to not see her DD, I just want her to listen to someone telling her that she needs to stop some of the things she's doing.

OP posts:

3littlefrogs · 08/06/2011 18:37

The dad should ask for supervised contact. It sounds as if he would be able to get sufficient evidence/support to do this. If the mother is self medicating to the point of being unconcious, the child is clearly not safe.

If the child is under 5, maybe you could speak to the HV. Otherwise it is the dad's responsibility.

Original poster

LoopyLiz88 · 08/06/2011 18:39

She will be 4 in August.

OP posts:

saffy85 · 08/06/2011 18:39

Sadly if she's in such a bad way as you say she is SS going round there (and doing what exactly?) isn't going to suddenly make her realise the error of her ways. This sounds like it goes deeper than sleeping around and "being a bit thick about things" the woman needs help FGS. Her daughter needs protecting, which it sounds like her dad is capable of doing, sp instead of calling in SS it's the little girl's dad who needs to pull his finger out and take care of her.

Really hope this woman has a good support network round her and really hope someone steps in and protects this child- she shouldn't have to go through all this

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