To want dh not to take my best mate out with his work colleagues

[Hormonalmoaner]

dh told me that a group of his colleagues were going to go and watch the motor racing at the weekend and asked if I minded him going too. Of course I said I didn't. Then, later, he apologised for not inviting me and asked if I wanted to go. I do like motor racing but we couldn't take dd (she would freak out at the noise) so I said no as I'd rather not abandon her for the only full day I get her in the week. Then he tells me he's invited my (gorgeous single) best friend along. (he's gone to races with her before and I haven't had a problem with it) The other guys going are taking their partners along. They have never met me as he's only been in the job a couple of months.

AIBU to not want him to take her? It will cause a fuss if I put my foot down on this, But it feels like a couples thing to me (obviously not to him) and I'm gutted that he's invited her.

I love threads like this. Lets hang, draw and quarter the DH for being a twat for daring to want a day out, and for daring to want his wife to come with him, and for daring to want to stay until the end of the day. And yes, let's all assume he fucks off out every spare minute he gets and leaves his poor DW looking after their daughter all the time.

I must have missed all that in the OP's post.

All I read was that he asked her if she minded him going - she didn't.

He asked her if she wanted to come along - she didn't.

He invited her friend, who he's taken to the races before, probably presuming that as the OP has never been bothered by this in the past she won't mind this time either.

What an absolute cunt! Divorce him!!!

Dittany... Yes, of course he has a DD too. But if one parent insists on staying at home all the time, does that mean the other parent must forego any hobbies or interests they had?

There are 52 weekends in a year, 104 days of them. One one day (presumably only one), DH wants to go to the races.

Presumably, if OP liked to do something, spa day with friend or shopping or races or anything that took up a day, DH would look after DD rather than both of them look after DD.

What's wrong with that? Why is there an assumption that DH spends no time with DD. He's home in the evening also, no?

But OP isn't necessarily "at home all the time". She goes to work full-time. She just has no interest in motor-racing. And doesn't want her DH to take her blonde sexy friend with him. On this occasion.

So his new work colleagues know that he has a wife with disabilities and a small daughter with special needs, but for the first 'social' meeting they're going to be introduced to a 'gorgeous, single' plus-one instead, with the explanation that sadly his wife couldn't make it as she has to look after their daughter?

He does realise that that's going to make him look a bit of a cock to them too, yes?

OP I get exactly where you're coming from on this - I too would not like it one little bit. Pull every element apart and you can argue the toss, it's not black and white - but as one big picture it is Not Ok. Yes maybe you should be going, maybe he's right to feel aggrieved or simply resigned to the fact that you won't come (thus explaining the asking your friend first, it's not necessarily dodgy). It does sound as if you need to do a lot of talking and face up to some issues that are only going to get bigger and worse over time. It's not necessarily one person's fault more than anothers, not at all.

But the fact remains that this doesn't look good - it's not a good first impression to make to these new colleagues, for either of you. At best, it makes you look sidelined. At worst, a few of the group will be having conversations on the way home along the lines of:

• 'Well I wonder what's going on there then!'
• 'She's his wife's best friend - apparently'
• 'His wife has a disability and his daughter has autism, maybe they genuinely didn't want to come.'
• 'Do you reckon he's ashamed of her/them? That's awful if so'
• 'Maybe it's more that she's not the type to socialise, maybe it's difficult for her'
• 'Yes but still, bringing another woman to meet your new colleagues before they've even met your wife? Must be really difficult for her if she's the one who's disabled and the one left caring for her daughter...pretty selfish of him...'

Etc. etc.

Honestly, it's a situation that makes you a possible topic of gossip and, to be frank, will almost certainly make several of the group raise their eyebrows at him. He should think this one through a lot more carefully, I'm afraid, even if just for his own sake!

Yes, sorry, OP works. I meant that when she's not working, she's at home all the time, doesn't want to go out ever. That is her choice because if she did want to go somewhere, DH who is also home in the evenings and at weekends could look after DD.

It isn't selfish for a parent to recharge their batteries, I think it's necessary.

YANBU!

OP, your DH is being unreasonable. He should not have invited your BF before he asked you. That is unacceptable. Yes, maybe you need to make an effort to join him in doing things, yes, maybe you need to put him first at times. But in this particular case, he has been out of order. I'd also be a bit at your friend...

I thought OP said she does like motor racing, but isn't going because she doesn't want to spend the day apart from her DD?

I'm not sure whether YABU or YANBU on this one tbh. It sounds a bit rubbish that your DH only asked you along as an 'afterthought', especially knowing that you like motorsports too. But at the same time, I don't think you can expect who else is allowed to go with him, especially if it's part of a big group. On the other hand, you do sound a bit down and as though your self-esteem is quite low at the moment (e.g. comparing yourself so negatively with your friend), so maybe your DH could be a bit more supportive and sensitive towards you!

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I could go but don't want to for whatever reason. Why shouldn't my friend go if she wants to and is free? I couldn't give a flying fuck what other people think.

I do agree with ShoutyHamster at the way it will look though... people will judge, no doubt about it.

I think the problem is his assumption you wouldn't have wanted to go and didn't ask you first. Maybe its because he assumed that you would prefer to stay and have a day with dd or perhaps he thought it would be easier with your friend rather than having to worry about you & childcare. Either way he's being selfish and has taken the easy option.

I really think you both need to have a conversation about where your priorities are. It may be he feels sidelined now dd is here and that you don't want to spend time with him. I probably wouldn't worry about the physical differences between you and best friend its unlikely that's a factor in his decision making.

I hope you manage to have a chat with him and sort some things out.

I agree with ShoutyHamster

I don't think either of you are BU, but this isn't a good situation, and it sounds like you both need to communicate more.

If I was the OP I wouldn't want to be away from my child on my one day off and I wouldn't want to ask my mum given that she is already helping out a lot.

I would want for my husband to want to be with us rather than out with my friend and his work colleagues. I think that the OP's DH needs to accept that he's a father now and if suitable childcare is not available, then he must accept that this will limit his choice of activities.

I think it's worrying that he wants to go out on a jolly on his wife's one day off and leave her at home with the child. The whole refusing to leave early thing is him behaving as though he's childless. What did he expect the OP to do with their DD? It's not reasonable to expect her mum to take on even more. He ought to give the racing a miss and say to his colleagues that he and his wife don't have childcare and he wants to be with her on her day off.

I also think it will create a very bad impression to his new colleagues. Not saying there is anything going on with the friend, but people will talk. OP I think you need to point this out to him because it probably hasn't occurred to him at all.

My other suggestion is that you call your friend and ask her to babysit. Don't mention that you are uneasy about this outing, but say that you really want to spend the day with your husband. Perhaps your mum wouldn't mind popping in to give a hand. You will be able to judge whether she is a true friend to you by her response and whether she is willing to help you out at the expense of her own good time.

Another one who agrees with ShoutyHamster

Have you actually spoken to your best friend about this? Just how close are they? My BF and DH get on great but I would be if he had invited her to an event before me. Sorry that's just weird...........

Does the op trust her friend to look after her dd? 4 year olds are hard work, asd makes it even harder. A direct payment worker is £8 ph and the op doesn't get what she wants which is to spend time with her dd. I know people with asd who love things like this and others who would scream and self injure. Only the op xan judge how her dd would cope and if any strategies would work.

Giving the dh the benefit of the doubt, maybe it started as a lads thing then someone said their partner would enjoy it and could they come...

and if the friend is really that glam it'll look like he's hired her

I don't see it as a choice between OP and her friend, surely they could both go if they wanted to? It's a sporting event, not a dance. He assumed (rightly) that OP wouldn't want to go, and then realised that he hadn't actually asked her. Which he then did. Bloke's done nothing wrong as far as I can see.

Chazs sorry for delay, was school running. I wasn't suggesting that any party within the family was more important. Just that they are all equal within it. Just because they have a daughter with autism doesn't mean life has to end. It doesn't mean that the universe has to revolve around one aspect of one person within the unit. It carries on. Maybe with minor adjustments here and there, but to expect mum and dad to become homebodies apart from when at work just because the child might not like it is daft. Many children with autism can learn to function to quite a high degree if there is support and preparation to be exasperated for a few years. Sounds harsh, but the trend toward treating every single child labelled with the autistic tag as being incapable of being taken out of their comfort zone baffles me, and surely cannot be healthy for the kids? True, a day at the races m ight not be a good place to start, but normal family days out can be handled in most cases at I have seen, and I have been on a fair few Autistic Society jollies. I think that the fairest thing for a family is to be inclusive, to allow for everybody and make them all feel wanted, needed and accepted. From what the original poster is saying it seems that in their family it is usually only their daughter that is accommodated, and that is not fair on anybody.

As for the husband, if the colleagues weren't there, the original poster wouldn't care, or if the friend wasn't there, she wouldn't care. Why should it be different just because the situations are meshed? She chose not to go, surely she gets to just live with that. If she has trust in her husband then all she has to worry about are the thoughts of the colleagues, who she doesn't know from jack, and given her dislike of going out with her husband is never likely to meet anyway?

YANBU to feel put out OP I would be very unhappy with this. Think you're getting a hard time on here which seems unfair- you know your DD best and know what situations she can and can not cope with. I'm shocked that your friend thinks this set up is ok- no way any of my female friends would think this was ok!

Agree with ShoutyHamster- people will talk and judge, I know I would judge your DH a fair bit if he turned up to a day out with a gorgeous woman who was not his wife, whether they claimed his wife was fine about it or not.

LittleMissFlustered thanks for the clarification and I think you make a fair point that there should be more family events and it is not healthy for the family if everything revolves around their DD.

I know that I would not be overly comfortable if my DH took someone other than me to a work event if I couldn't go (especially if he asked them first) and I wouldn't take a friend to a work do if DH couldn't make it.

I also think that the OP and her DH need to find ways of doing a bit more as a couple (not easy I know).

It's why I suggested that maybe a counselling session might work. An independent view of how their family dynamic has changed, and how they can maybe all get a bit more out of their lives together. Or am I just being a hippy?

I would be suspicious op. sorry.

"OP used to like races and now they have a DD, she doesn't want to go anymore. Does that mean DH can't go either?"

Dittany Doesn't he have a DD too?

Yes - as LyingWitch said - "they" have a daughter.

But it is OP who has allowed having that daughter to completely take over what used to be a shared interest and is pretty categoric about the fact that DD is her priority, which is natural but does seem in this case to be to a relatively high level of exclusion of the DH and their marital relationship. DH probably misses the shared enjoyment of the formerly shared interest. Understandably so IMO.

I really don't see the issue here at all. Nevertheless if OP has an issue with it, it is her right to do something about it. What is not on is to do NOTHING about it but whine about her DH wanting to do something he enjoys with a friend or try to prevent him from doing that. And yes - that was me being harsh.