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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want dh not to take my best mate out with his work colleagues

101 replies

Hormonalmoaner · 07/06/2011 23:00

dh told me that a group of his colleagues were going to go and watch the motor racing at the weekend and asked if I minded him going too. Of course I said I didn't. Then, later, he apologised for not inviting me and asked if I wanted to go. I do like motor racing but we couldn't take dd (she would freak out at the noise) so I said no as I'd rather not abandon her for the only full day I get her in the week. Then he tells me he's invited my (gorgeous single) best friend along. (he's gone to races with her before and I haven't had a problem with it) The other guys going are taking their partners along. They have never met me as he's only been in the job a couple of months.

AIBU to not want him to take her? It will cause a fuss if I put my foot down on this, But it feels like a couples thing to me (obviously not to him) and I'm gutted that he's invited her.

OP posts:

Fimbo · 08/06/2011 10:44

Are you absolutely sure there is nothing going on with them?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/06/2011 10:46

OP.. You said you 'put your daughter first and always will', but that's not what this is about. Your DH would also put his daughter first - always - no?

It's about you agreeing to the races arrangement, as previously, because you're not interested now that your have DD. I think you should make the effort to go out with your DH and your friend to the races. You're not just a mother, you're a wife and that comes with responsibilities to the relationship also.

A question though... would you mind your friend meeting DH's friends with him if she were less glamorous? What is the real reason behind your objection? That his friends will see DH with your friend and think what a 'nice couple' they make? That when they see you with DH they'll compare you (unfavourably)?

Do you really think that DH cares about the day anything more than going to the races? Of course he doesn't - and he's going to introduce your friend as your friend, not his wife.

You sound very upset about it all but it doesn't make sense. You've always allowed DH and friend to go to the races together, nothing's changed. If you have fears about it then go with them, they'll probably be delighted. :)

LittleMissFlustered · 08/06/2011 10:57

If you have continually put your child before your husband for four years can you blame him for just assuming you're not interested in a day out? Seems like the bloke has to fend for himself socially, which is unfair on him. You are his wife as well as a mother. He, you and your child are equally important in that relationship.

It sounds like you use your child as an excuse rather than a valid reason not to spend valuable social time with your husband. Maybe a spot of counselling (couples and/or solo) could help as it seems as though you have problems :(

coppertop · 08/06/2011 11:07

People keep saying that the OP should be putting her dh first more often but I'm not seeing much evidence of the dh putting the OP first either. He won't even consider leaving early to get home to her dd because it would apparently spoil things.

I can't imagine that there are many DHs out there who would buy a ticket for their wife's best friend for a works outing and then only invite the wife as an afterthought.

coppertop · 08/06/2011 11:08

their dd

LittleMissFlustered · 08/06/2011 11:45

Coppertop, it looks like she never puts his feelings first. She said she didn't mind him going so he probably just made his usual race day arrangements. It may e that he found out other partners were going after he'd made arrangements.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/06/2011 11:46

coppertop... But if this is an event, how many people would actually leave it early? To return home to a partner who didn't want to go in the first place, who has made the choice (always) to stay at home with the DD. If the event is a rare occurrence then it's not unreasonable for DH to want to stay to the end of it.

I think there are undercurrents of bigger problems than the racing arrangements for the OP... namely self esteem and worry over DD. :(

TheTruthNothingButTheTruth · 08/06/2011 11:49

Its obvious ! They are both having an affair !

QuintessentialOldMoo · 08/06/2011 11:52

OP, it is NOT going to hurt your dd that her mum and dad have some time together as adults continuing to be partners, rather the opposite!

You are doing her a great disservice, in fact, by always putting her ahead of your relationship with your husband.

glassofwhiteanybody · 08/06/2011 11:56

My DH gets on very well with a friend of mine and occasionally goes to gigs with her. I don't mind because I trust both of them totally and I'm not really into music so I'm happy for them to go without me. My DH and I do lots of other stuff together. However I know that if I ever suggested I might like to arrange a babysitter so that I could go too, I would be made more than welcome.

In your case, I'm surprised he asked your friend and then told you afterwards. If this was a one off event and a day out with his colleagues, then I'd think he should have checked with you first.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 08/06/2011 12:03

LittleMissFlustered her DH put her best friend ahead of his wife and autistic daughter. Perhaps he should be looking for activities that he can do with his wife accepting that its not easy to find a babysitter for a whole day for a child with additional needs.

coppertop · 08/06/2011 12:06

I agree that there needs to be some compromise somewhere but that it has to work both ways.

I think the autism must have a huge bearing on this. It can be a strain on even the strongest of relationships. Most families would consider the idea of having to be back to put a 4yr-old to bed as being an odd thing to do, but autism can make bedtime a major task - and in this particular case the OP is disabled too.

I think this could/should be the catalyst for discussing the bigger issues in your relationship, Hormonal. You're gutted about something and your dh's reaction is to be cross, so maybe you need to discuss it in front of someone neutral.

Good luck.

QuintessentialOldMoo · 08/06/2011 12:06

OP's dh has a new job, he is invited out for an event with new co-workers.
It speaks volumes that he asked her friend first, he KNEW his wife would not bother.... That saddens me.

wotnochocs · 08/06/2011 12:09

yanbu -at the very least people will talk, whichif he was completely innocent he would be trying to avoid.Alarm bells would be ringing very loud especislly as he invited her without asking you if you minded them going together.

Dozer · 08/06/2011 12:12

People are being much too harsh on OP. It must be really, really hard working full time and caring for a 4yo DD with autism. Having a child with SN puts a lot of pressure on relationships.

There is a theme on this thread of people telling OP to devote more to her husband, put the relationship (ie him) first, go where he wants to go, have fun (as he defines it) etc: very 1950s advice to keep your man by pleasing him. What about HIS responsibilities to OP and their DD? Anyway, it's not as if he has invited OP out for a couple's day of spa / wining and dining, it's a work event with cars and small talk with random colleagues ffs!

OP, you sound down on yourself, tired and low. Sorry that your DH is being an arse. And your "friend" too.

How good a friend is your friend, really? If she is any sort of friend she will understand your feelings, help you to feel better (and not go to the event - maybe even offer to babysit). If she is not as good a friend as you think, best to start to treat her differently and rely on others who can help and not hinder.

Is there someone you could you confide in that you are feeling down and worried about your marriage?

Sounds like you need to address the deeper problems between you and DH, maybe with some help, e.g. relate. How are things more generally between you? Does he do his fair share at home and with DD? Is he loving towards you?

You might get more sympathetic responses in the relationships or special needs sections of MN.

really feel for you OP.

dittany · 08/06/2011 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jaffacake79 · 08/06/2011 12:14

So if your best mate is free, why doesn't she mind your dd and you go with your dh?

Dozer · 08/06/2011 12:15

Oh yes, coppertop, forgot that OP is also disabled!

I enjoy AIBU, but sometimes people are waaay too harsh.

WhoAteMySnickers · 08/06/2011 12:16

Your DH has a new job, and this is his first outing with co-workers? It is a 'couples' event. You don't want to go, but you don't want him to take your best friend either?

YABU.

You should go with him. If your DH and your best friend are reasonable people then they will understand why your friend needs to give her ticket to you, when you explain to her that it's all couples, and your DH will probably be delighted that you are going. unless, of course, they are shagging each other

Dozer · 08/06/2011 12:19

Oh poor husband, "first outing with co-workers". Nasty wife won't go because she'd prefer to care for their 4yo with autism on her day off work!

dittany · 08/06/2011 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/06/2011 12:22

I don't see that anybody has been harsh here. Where?

How can anybody assume that DH doesn't spend time with his daughter. Did OP say that anywhere? I don't see it.

OP used to like races and now they have a DD, she doesn't want to go anymore. Does that mean DH can't go either?

If DH would have thought about this more like a woman did, he would have realised that it may be perceived that the friend will be viewed as a partner and therefore he wouldn't have invited her - but it would have put pressure on DW to go when she didn't want to - or for DH not to go to event with new workmates. The fact that DH didn't think this way makes me think that there is nothing of concern for OP. He chose her.

Dozer You say that DH and 'friend' are being arses... on what basis do you make that assumption? Do you think it makes the OP feel any better that random strangers are calling her husband and friend names?

coppertop · 08/06/2011 12:23

But the DH can't have it both ways. Either it's an event for couples (as OP says), in which case he shouldn't have invited a woman he's not part of a couple with. Or it's a 'lads' day out (as the dh says) in which case there shouldn't be a problem with him going alone, should there?

dittany · 08/06/2011 12:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dozer · 08/06/2011 12:26

I think lots of the "yabu" posts are harsh in their line of advice, as outlined.

Just think he is being an arse, as is the friend, in light of situation as presented by OP. If my DH was being an arse in some way and I posted on here, I would like people to state that he was being an arse in this instance (if they thought he was, of course)! But sorry hormonal if have offended you, don't mean to.

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