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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want dh not to take my best mate out with his work colleagues

101 replies

Hormonalmoaner · 07/06/2011 23:00

dh told me that a group of his colleagues were going to go and watch the motor racing at the weekend and asked if I minded him going too. Of course I said I didn't. Then, later, he apologised for not inviting me and asked if I wanted to go. I do like motor racing but we couldn't take dd (she would freak out at the noise) so I said no as I'd rather not abandon her for the only full day I get her in the week. Then he tells me he's invited my (gorgeous single) best friend along. (he's gone to races with her before and I haven't had a problem with it) The other guys going are taking their partners along. They have never met me as he's only been in the job a couple of months.

AIBU to not want him to take her? It will cause a fuss if I put my foot down on this, But it feels like a couples thing to me (obviously not to him) and I'm gutted that he's invited her.

OP posts:
Lonnie · 07/06/2011 23:56

I am with Wellwisher here and if you in the past have had no issue with your friend and dh going out together and you was given first refusal in this case YABU in my opinion..

I understand you working full time and your daughter being autistic however you still need to have a relationship as a couple and if you resent time on being a couple and you seem to be very down on yourself (she is gorgeous and you are not - He is with you and wants to be with you that much He wants you over her with him seems obvious to me whom he prefeers)

dont loose yourself in being mummy remember to be a partner for yoru partner it will make you a better mothre in the long run

worraliberty · 07/06/2011 23:58

Actually I know this has nothing to do with anything but if she's 6ft, are you sure she's size 8? That sounds weird looking to me?

Anyway, to get back on topic...surely your relationship with your DD is just as important? This is one day you could both enjoy as a couple. You must have had days like that before your DD came along?

LDNmummy · 08/06/2011 00:00

Its weird and would look weird to others IMO. I mentally put myself in that position and thought even my RL friend would find it weird if she was invited in this context.

QueeferSutherland · 08/06/2011 00:05

Asking her first is out of order. I would take serious issue with that. Does he do that often?

Having said that, do you usually turn down days out? You do sound very down, as Lonnie said.

Please try to go. You should tell him in no uncertain terms asking first her was inappropriate. Prove to him you are still a couple.

wellwisher · 08/06/2011 00:06

He asked you if you wanted to go before he mentioned that he'd asked her. I guarantee that as this is a couples event, you are his first choice, and if you say you want to be the one on his arm, you will be. But you can't have it both ways. When you said this former shared interest of yours is "is one of the many things that no longer seem interesting to me since I have dd in my life", I thought you had a baby, not a 4-year-old!

It is in your DD's best interests for her parents to be happily married. Does thinking about it that way make it less of a wrench for you to give up one day with her? You could always phone in sick on Monday ;)

Balsam · 08/06/2011 07:48

Your marriage will end up in trouble if you continue with this attitude. It's OK to put your marriage ahead of your children sometimes and in fact, it's in their interests that you do so.

Find some time to spend with your DH even if it's not this event.

Hormonalmoaner · 08/06/2011 08:28

I can't go. it's a couple of hours away from home and last race will finish after 6 so I wouldn't get back for bed time. My mum has dd most days after school and takes her swimming on Saturdays as I can't manage it physically. She can't do a full day and do bed time on the Sunday.

he's told me that leaving early isn't an option as it would spoil the day for everyone else, all because I'm being unreasonable about him going with her.

OP posts:
Amateurish · 08/06/2011 08:36

How old is your DD? I've taken mine to Silverstone a few times wearing ear defenders and she loved it.

YABU - he invited you first, he's taken her before with your consent, you trust them both.

Hormonalmoaner · 08/06/2011 09:13

she's a size 8 to 10 depending on shops, (if she needs a 6 she gets upset and wont buy it) think super model figure.... no boobs but def very attractive.

but it's not that I don't trust them. I don't know why I don't want him to take her, it's not a couples event as such. just a group of guys he works with going out and they are all taking their significant others. I think if I knew them I wouldn't mind but I can't explain why I mind so much to him so I'm behaving like a child apparently.

I think our marriage is in serious trouble. My life has changed completely, my interests, my priorities, everything. and he as stayed the same. we have a very disfunctional family life and no shared interests. Yes it's better for dd for us to be together but only if we can be happy together.

OP posts:
Hormonalmoaner · 08/06/2011 09:18

I cannot take dd, she is autistic and has issues about noise. Even if we could get past that she wouldn't be able to see what's going on and would be horribly behaved out of boredom and frustration.

and yes I turn down days out when dd can't go and I know my mum won't be happy about having her. it doesn't happen often but probably more often than I go along with him.

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 08/06/2011 09:20

I wouldn't be happy about this at all.

Very bizarre and sounds contrived IMHO.

I can't imagine dh asking my friend out for the day in any circumstances.

I would be very bemused if any of my friends dhs asked me to spend the day out with them. I would also decline.

Hormonalmoaner · 08/06/2011 09:22

and he DIDN'T invite me first. when he spoke to me all he said was a few of the guys from work are going, do you mind if I go.

Then he invited her.

then appologised for not checking if I wanted to go before he bought the tickets for the two of them.

Then I found out that the other people from his work were going in couples and that's the point that I had a problem with it.

OP posts:
DialsMavis · 08/06/2011 09:26

I see this as a symptom of the problem in your marriage. How can you see the marriage improving?

purplepidjin · 08/06/2011 09:33

HM is it the sensory overload from the crowd or the noise in particular dd would struggle with? Ear defenders are recommended for children at motor events as standard, so would they help? Would she tolerate wearing them?

And your dh's colleague's will be interested in you so please hunt yourself out some self esteem because you sound lovely Wink

ENormaSnob · 08/06/2011 09:47

I think he's been underhand about it all.

Tells you it's the lads when it's actually couples, invites her first then you as an afterthought, possibly knowing you won't go.

Sounds dodgy to me.

ScaredOfCows · 08/06/2011 09:50

Have you spoken to your friend about this?

Amateurish · 08/06/2011 10:01

I don't think he's been underhand at all.

  • He checked with you first if he could go
  • He invited your friend who he has been with before with your consent / agreement
  • He apologised for not inviting you and checked that you didn't want to go. Which you didn't. Clearly, he would have taken you if you had wanted to go.

If you trust him and your bf, then I really can't see the issue.

ENormaSnob · 08/06/2011 10:17

He checked with her first but said it was only lads, when it's actually couples.

Then invited her mate before asking her.

Shit and fan would meet in this house.

CrapolaDeVille · 08/06/2011 10:19

Gooooooo. You'll have fun.

catsmother · 08/06/2011 10:21

At the very least he's been bloody insensitive. I don't understand why, if it's a group of people, that he needs to take a "plus one" at all anyway .... regardless of whether or not "everyone else" is taking their partners. It's not an activity where a partner is a must ..... such as, hmmm, I don't know ..... an amateur rally driving day where you'd need a driver AND a navigator.

Yes .... they've been racing before. They have a shared interest in something which has gone off the boil for you (understandable, IMO, life moves on, priorities change) but when they've been out before, to indulge this interest, was it on their own or with a big crowd ? I can understand them going out on their own previously as it's not always much fun travelling on your own, or standing about at the event with no-one to talk to but that won't be the case on this occasion will it 'cos there'll be lots of others there.

It feels to me that he can't bear being "billy no mates" in front of his colleagues - which is pathetic, and quite possibly wants to show off to them by showing an attractive, striking woman wants to be in his company. Can't help thinking there's some alpha male posturing going on here - assuming nothing worse is (hope not).

The fact he asks her first, AND is rather vague about who exactly's going, before asking his wife if she wants to come, does ring alarm bells. Asking her doesn't actually mean a lot does it when he knows damn well that due to their daughter, it's almost impossible for her to be out for a full day when his MIL can't provide babysitting for that long. I think asking her is a bit of a red herring TBH, and of course, it's very hurtful.

ooohyouareawfulbutilikeyou · 08/06/2011 10:22

she is a size 8 6ft blonde godess

so why is she still single then

ScaredOfCows · 08/06/2011 10:26

ooohyouare - just because someone is conventionally attractive, doesn't mean that they should automatically be partnered with someone. What a rude statement.

Allinabinbag · 08/06/2011 10:30

Not ok, she is not his 'plus one', you are (so should have been asked first and if you can't go, he goes alone). It sounds like you are the only one thinking about your daughter as well, perhaps you are quite protective, but I can understand that if he won't adapt the times to suit her bedtime etc.

As for this friend, the odd daytime meetup with a husband if you are all absolutely fine with it might be ok, I have a friend who is the same nationality as my husband and he sometimes meets her when I am not around and I don't mind at all, but if he started asking her to works dos and plus-one events, I'm sorry, I would just put my foot down.

Next time my husband can't attend a work event with me, perhaps I'll just take one of my very attractive hunky male friends instead (see how it sounds when reversed). He is well out of order.

purplepidjin · 08/06/2011 10:38

HIdefinitelyBU not to make reasonable adaptations to include his daughter imo. Can't leave early because it'd spoil people's fun? Hmm

ENormaSnob · 08/06/2011 10:43

Allin, or one of your dhs hunky mates which sounds worse.

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