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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband adamant stepdad be called something else- am i bad not to feel as strongly?

122 replies

bess1010 · 06/06/2011 20:43

Basically my husband and I wanted his father to be "Grandad" and my father "grandpa", and my step-father "Grandpa-James" (ie Grandpa follwed by his first name). We told them all this when we announced I was pregnant.

Once we'd had our baby my step father changed his mind and said he wants to be called "Grandad-James". My husband is furious and wants me to stand by him for us to MAKE him change it to "Grandpa-James" and can't understand why I am uncomfortable to support him all the way.

I just think it's such an insignificant thing to worry about in the greater scheme of things. Plus we've both made it clear that we'd prefer "Grandpa-James" and my stepdad says he doesn't like the name Grandpa, so what more can we do??

Now my husband is furious I won't stand by him and tell my step dad he's "Grandpa-James" whether he likes it or not. He says it's fine to tell him what to be called as he's an honorary Grandparent. We've both tried to talk to my stepdad a year ago but with no luck. and my husband is really annoyed with the whole issue and that i haven't done anything about it since then.

Am I being unreasonable to not stand by my husband?

OP posts:

tyler80 · 08/06/2011 11:24

Danish has:

Moster - mum's sister
Faster - dad's sister
Morbror - mum's brother
Farbror - dad's brother

Then
Onkel and Tante for people married to any of the above.

I'm not sure how much this usage happens in reality

glassofwhiteanybody · 08/06/2011 11:33

Poor you stuck in the middle, but if you think your DH is being unreasonable I think you're entitled to say so and I don't think you automatically have to back him up in every issue just because you are married.

In our family we have Granny and Grandpa, and Grandma and Grandpa. It was never even discussed. I guess they just referred to themselves by those names and it stuck.

I might have a little sympathy (although not much!) if it were your Dad who wanted to be known as Grandpa and preferred that your stepfather should be Grandpa James.

Sorry to say this but this won't be the last time you disagree on parenting. It's a fact of life that people will have different views and I think it sets a dangerous precedent if your DH demands you should obey his command on this and you give in to him. In our family we have a rule that it's fine to disagree so long as you are respectful of the other person's views. Then you can talk about it.

In your case, if your step father chooses what he wants to be called then in reality you'll find that everyone else will use that name and if your DH insists on using another name and trying to correct everyone that's up to him, but eventually he will start to look a bit silly if he is the odd one out.

My aunt and uncle don't like their grand-daughter's name and they insist on using a different pronunication. I actually find that rather disrespectful and doesn't show them in a great light.

harpfairy · 08/06/2011 11:43

Is this a class issue? I read somewhere that Grandads/Nans are WC and Grandpa/Grandma are MC - is your DH horrified at the thought of being thought of as WC ?
Yes, YANBU.

loiner45 · 08/06/2011 11:51

I don't think it's strictly class, a combination of regional and class maybe, but I suspect the differences change throughout the country - I'm WC (north) was married to a MC (south), on his side Gran and Grandpa on mine grandma and grandad - in my childhood my own Gd and Gm were referred to by surname, grandad & grandma Smith and grandad & Grandma Jones, but all just called grandma and grandad.

cory · 08/06/2011 11:57

tyler, at least the first four you list are regularly used in Swedish; also 'mormor' for maternal grandmother and 'farmor' for paternal grandmother; there simply isn't a word for 'grandmother in general'. It makes life a little bit easier- but of course doesn't solve the problem of stepgrandparents.

LtEveDallas · 08/06/2011 12:21

When DD was born I had hoped that she would have a Nana and a Nain (Nine) to differentiate. When I spoke to my MIL it turned out that she didnt want to be Nain as her own Nain was pretty horrible - I didnt want MIL to feel crappy, so she became Nana Wales.

DD calls her Nana Wales if she is talking about her to someone else, but as soon as we are with her she just becomes Nana. DD doesn't get confused and no-one gets the hump!

(I also got very confused when DD first called her grandfather Taid - and he corrected her with Daida, be buggered if I can find anyone else that says that so I think it's a regional thing!)

You could always let your DC choose their own names for their grandparents. My DNephew (first grandchild) couldnt pronounce Grandad so my father became 'Bumps'. He's 25 now and still says it! To the rest of the DGC he is Grampy. My friends children call their step-grandfather 'Steppy' and he really likes it.

Lovecat · 08/06/2011 12:22

Fascinated by the Scandiwegian alternatives...:o

Oh dear, OP, I do hope your DH calms down a little. Do you think there's some underlying resentment of his stepfather there, that's coming out now? I find the birth (or impending birth) of a child can stir up all sorts of stuff from your own childhood and family. That he wants to keep a specific title for his birth father and gets angry at the proposed 'usurption' (is that a word?) of it by the step father suggests that there might be some unresolved issue there...

seeker · 08/06/2011 12:25

It is entirely up to the grandparents and the child what sadi grandparents are to be called. None of the parent's business. Leave it to the people involved.

Pennies · 08/06/2011 12:26

Haven't read all the replies but have you asked your DH how he would feel if he was dictated to by someone else what he should be called? Doubt he'd like it very much.

Seona1973 · 08/06/2011 12:38

I always called both sets of grandparents Grandpa (last name) and Gran (last name). My kids call my mum Gran and dh's mum and dad are Nanny and Grandad.

QuintessentialOldMoo · 08/06/2011 13:03

Bestemor (best mum) is the generic Norwegian term for grandmother...
Often this gets shortened to Besta.

My mum has chosen just "mor" rather than mormor, and my dad is "far", to my sons. Their choice. Mor and Far, incidentally also means mum and dad, but children say Mamma and Pappa rather than mor and far which is rather something grownups say about their parents. Unless you are in the south of the country, or you try to be posh, or if you are joking.....

So many terms!

emptyshell · 08/06/2011 13:30

Christ - so he's trademarked Grandad for his family?

Bloody hell his brain would have fried with the inns and outs of mine - there was that much divorce and remarriage I had 10 grandparents... he'd have run out of names... they were just Nana/Grandma/Grandad Firstname if we needed to distinguish between them or Nana/Grandma/Grandad if they were the only ones around.

Personally though I hate Grandpa... also hate Nana (makes them sound like a yellow fruit to me) and I really really hate the Nottingham Momaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh that the kids drag out for about 27 seconds.

As a step-child I think it gets really shit if you start playing the "you're not a proper relative" card. My first step-dad was always just dad to me, his parents were Nan and Grandad the same as all the others and I was under pain of death from my mother to never ever refer to him as my half-brother! He only found out step-dad number 1 (my mum later remarried although I don't refer to new hubby with a "dad" title because she married him when I was about 21 and it just didn't seem right by then) didn't actually go through with adopting me fully last week - it just didn't figure!

Seems very petty to have sat and doled out the grandparents' titles arbitrarily. What relatives get called ends up evolving anyway - I rebelled away from the hideous north-east Mam, and Nana by myself (hate how the words sound)!

Inertia · 08/06/2011 13:35

I think your stepfather should designate a name for your DH . StepSonInLawGodfrey, say. Especially if his name is not Godfrey.

glassofwhiteanybody · 08/06/2011 20:19

I've been thinking about this all afternoon and wondering how your DH would respond if you said "I've thought about this and I'm insisting that my step dad should be called Grandad James" - would he be Ok with that? Why does he think that (1) the name Grandad only belongs in his family and (2) his views take priority over other people ie yours and your step dad's?

I'm really not trying to stir up trouble here but I think it's important for both you and you to reflect on that.

Original poster

bess1010 · 09/06/2011 15:06

Well what happened was my DH told my stepdad that he really didn't want him to have "Grandad" in anyway and my wonderful Stepdad is so understanding that he said we could all sit down and choose a name- perhaps "Gramps".

So stepdad been understanding and DH got his wish.

DH still annoyed I didn't stand by him though.

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 09/06/2011 15:14

I think your step dad sounds lovely and will be a wonderful gramps!

Tell DH you are not a stepford wife and if you disagree with him, you will say so! He got his own way and your stepdad has been very gracious. Time for DH to wind his neck in now

create · 09/06/2011 16:38

Well, thank goodness your step father had a sensible (and painless) solution.

As others have said, the child will decide ultimately anyway. My sister's Dc call their Grandfathers Lazy Grandad and Grumpy Grandad. Not respectful, but everyone understands them Thankfully, it's not often to their faces, as no need to differentiate when there's only one Grandad in the room.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 09/06/2011 16:43

My PIL is papa because DH's nieces are older and chose that first. I don't like it, asked on here and was told that really it was up to him what he was called and that's the way it's been. All four grandparents have chosen their own names. Why do you or your DH need to choose for them?

scarlettsmummy2 · 09/06/2011 16:44

let them choose themselves. My parents are known as granny and granda, and my mil and fil are nanny and papa (which I hate but they wouldn't let me change it and kept on calling themselves that when I wasn't there so I have given up!)

BabyDubsEverywhere · 09/06/2011 16:45

My children have 4 sets of ''Nan & Granddad''
I cant understand the issue, all that i can get is your DH is a bit of a prat. So....I hope he stops being a prat :)

LDNmummy · 09/06/2011 16:51

Your DH is a twonk as someone said earlier. Beggars belief that a grown man would get so worked up over this and make such an issue with his wife over it.

With all due respect, that is my opinion.

bronze · 09/06/2011 16:53

Your dcs Gramps sounds lovely.

I don't see your husbands claim on Grandad at all. what happens if you had only had Grandad A and Grandad B in your childhood?

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