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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband adamant stepdad be called something else- am i bad not to feel as strongly?

122 replies

bess1010 · 06/06/2011 20:43

Basically my husband and I wanted his father to be "Grandad" and my father "grandpa", and my step-father "Grandpa-James" (ie Grandpa follwed by his first name). We told them all this when we announced I was pregnant.

Once we'd had our baby my step father changed his mind and said he wants to be called "Grandad-James". My husband is furious and wants me to stand by him for us to MAKE him change it to "Grandpa-James" and can't understand why I am uncomfortable to support him all the way.

I just think it's such an insignificant thing to worry about in the greater scheme of things. Plus we've both made it clear that we'd prefer "Grandpa-James" and my stepdad says he doesn't like the name Grandpa, so what more can we do??

Now my husband is furious I won't stand by him and tell my step dad he's "Grandpa-James" whether he likes it or not. He says it's fine to tell him what to be called as he's an honorary Grandparent. We've both tried to talk to my stepdad a year ago but with no luck. and my husband is really annoyed with the whole issue and that i haven't done anything about it since then.

Am I being unreasonable to not stand by my husband?

OP posts:
lindy100 · 06/06/2011 20:57

Both grandfathers to my DD are called Grandad. It's what my niece and nephew call my dad, and what my FIL wanted to be called. She has shown no confusion over this since being able to speak (she's now 1.10).

I agree that the grandads should get to choose - after all, it's their 'name'. How presumptious and arrogant to decide and announce on their behalf.

BatmanLovesRobin · 06/06/2011 20:58

My DH's stepdad said he loves our two as much as his biological grandchildren, and holds them in the same esteem. I was so touched by that. Step grandparents are just as important as biological ones - I think your DH hasn't really got that.

Our parents all chose what they wanted to be called, so we have a Grandad, Grandad first name and a Grandpa (plus Nana, Granny and Grandma!)

exoticfruits · 06/06/2011 20:58

You are all getting in a tizzy about nothing. I didn't realise that you tried to control the names-you justasked what they wanted! The DC will work out their own anyway. If I get to be a grandparent I have decided on Grandma-and that is what I shall be!

dizzyblonde · 06/06/2011 21:00

Both my Mum and MIL were Granny. Children never got confused. When they were v small it was Granny with Harry the dog and Granny with Tasha the dog. Think it is very rude to tell any adult what they must be called.

Yekke · 06/06/2011 21:00

Surely there are issues here and your husband has some form of problem with your stepfather? Otherwise what's the problem with DF, DFIL and DSF all being called Grandad and their first names, surnames, nicknames or even "Grandad Flat", for example, for the one who lives in an apartment as opposed to, say, the musical Grandad Piano?

If your Stepfather has played the role of father to you then all the more reason why he should be given credit for it with the title of his choosing.

TragicallyHip · 06/06/2011 21:01

Jeez why he is getting so worked up?? Confused

I let my parents choose what they wanted to be called. It's up to them surely!

Original poster
bess1010 · 06/06/2011 21:01

Wow! What a lot of messages, and so quick!

My husband's father will be called "Grandad" and my husband was very close to his Grandad and I guess wants that name to stay with his family.

Yes, my baby is very lucky to have FIVE incredibly doting Grandparents, very true, and I don't want to rock the boat and ruin my close relationship with my stepdad. He has no children of his own and is a loving and wonderful stepdad and I'm thrilled that he can be a grandparent too.

I don't see what else I can do and I hope my husband can learn to live with it.

Thanks to all of you for all your help/comments!
xxx

OP posts:
emmanumber3 · 06/06/2011 21:01

My parents & my IL's all chose what they wanted to be known as "Granny" wise Grin.

One set are Grandma & Grandpa and the other are Nanny & Grandad. We saw it as their choice really - not ours. And why does it matter? Hmm.

TragicallyHip · 06/06/2011 21:01

Why is he..

DirtyMartini · 06/06/2011 21:04

But "Grandad" isn't a name, fgs ("wants that name to stay with his family"). ANd your DH cannot police the relationship to ensure that his dad is the real Grandad.

This kind of thing is up to the grandparent and/or the child, surely. The parents are the last people to get a say in it, and really, why should they care?

MenaZovut · 06/06/2011 21:05

I'm another that let all relatives choose their titles. It'd grate massively being called something I was uncomfortable with personally, and I think 'Grandpa' is a little twee for some.

We have Nana, Granddad, Baba and Dido

mrsdonkeybucket · 06/06/2011 21:07

My Dad, isn't my biological Dad.

I have 2 DCs. When my sister had her DS her DP was chatting and was overheard to say that at least DS would be my Dad's REAL grandchild.

Ignorant dickhead.

Original poster
bess1010 · 06/06/2011 21:11

I've got to admit I was hoping you'd all agree that we shouldn't dictate what the grandparents should be called.

It's just that DH is really getting hot under the collar about this.

I hate conflict and have just found these strong feelings of his really hard to understand!

OP posts:
Lindax · 06/06/2011 21:12

ds calls both his grans and his great grans just "gran". As they are rarely in the same place at the same time they only get their "full" name when we are talking about them i.e we are going to Gran Smiths house today, or that present was from Gran Jones.

They are called gran because that is what our familes have used for their grandparents and its what everyone feels natural/comfortable with.

dh dad was papa, even though it didnt sound right to me as my family never used it, it was what was used in his family. He (quite rightly) never asked permission to be called this he just introduced himself to ds as papa.

We told them all this when we announced I was pregnant. - can imagine that conversation "Hey everyone, great news, I'm pregnant, and we have decided you will be called......."

Your dh needs to respect what others feel comfortable with being called, and to be honest its not that big a deal.

Ephiny · 06/06/2011 21:13

I would stay out of it if I were you - how ridiculous for grown men to be arguing and getting 'furious' over such a thing!

Fifis25StottieCakes · 06/06/2011 21:13

my kids dad has a step dad who the kids call grandad. TBH he does far more for them that my dad who's also grandad. They have most of their gread grandparents left and these are grandma-maisie, grandad danny.

I think your husband is overthinking things and YANBU

basingstoke · 06/06/2011 21:14

I think he's being pretty insensitive to both you and your step dad actually, and I would call him on it.

Eglu · 06/06/2011 21:15

Plenty of people call both Grandparents the sam thing and it is fine. Your DH needs to get over himself

DirtyMartini · 06/06/2011 21:19

Simply put, he is trying to control something that's just not his to decide.

purpleknittingmum · 06/06/2011 21:20

If I ever become a gran I hope I am asked what I want to be called as I don't want to a Nan, Nanny or Nana

My parents are divorced and both remarried, my stepdad is called Grandad first name, , my mum is gran/granny my inlaws are granny and grandad, my dad is just grandad and his wife is only about 7 years older than me so we don't call her Granny First name!

aurynne · 06/06/2011 21:21

I bet the kid will end up calling them "pompers" and "blipblip".

verytellytubby · 06/06/2011 21:22

Bloody hell. What a fuss about nothing.

Lucyinthepie · 06/06/2011 21:23

Your husband is being a dipstick and all of the grandparents should be able to choose what they want to be called. Show your husband this and tell him that as a dad he'll have a lot more to worry about than something this trivial. He should not be creating stress over something like this at such a time.
Oi! Bess1010's DH - grow up and behave yourself man! Grin

Blatherskite · 06/06/2011 21:23

When I was little I had Grandma Firstname and Grandma Otherfirstname and Grandad Firstname and Grandad Otherfirstname - never confused any of us.

When I had my children, we just went with whatever my nieces and nephews used for my PIL and whatever my Mum wanted (mine were her first grandchildren) I don't have a Dad or Step Dad so that issue never cropped up.

As it happens, we've ended up with a Grandma and a Nanny and Grandad but I wouldn't have minded 2 of the same - I certainly wouldn't have tried to give out names and got in a strop if my suggestions weren't taken up!

Sounds like your DH has issues about this and it might be worth trying to find out why he's gotten so upset about something so seemingly inconsequential

LadyOfTheCuntryManor · 06/06/2011 21:26

My mother and father won't be called Grandma/Gran/Nana or anything like that. They insist they are too young for such names.

They are Omi and Opi to my ds.

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