Husband adamant stepdad be called something else- am i bad not to feel as strongly?

[bess1010]

Basically my husband and I wanted his father to be "Grandad" and my father "grandpa", and my step-father "Grandpa-James" (ie Grandpa follwed by his first name). We told them all this when we announced I was pregnant.

Once we'd had our baby my step father changed his mind and said he wants to be called "Grandad-James". My husband is furious and wants me to stand by him for us to MAKE him change it to "Grandpa-James" and can't understand why I am uncomfortable to support him all the way.

I just think it's such an insignificant thing to worry about in the greater scheme of things. Plus we've both made it clear that we'd prefer "Grandpa-James" and my stepdad says he doesn't like the name Grandpa, so what more can we do??

Now my husband is furious I won't stand by him and tell my step dad he's "Grandpa-James" whether he likes it or not. He says it's fine to tell him what to be called as he's an honorary Grandparent. We've both tried to talk to my stepdad a year ago but with no luck. and my husband is really annoyed with the whole issue and that i haven't done anything about it since then.

Am I being unreasonable to not stand by my husband?

WTF?! Why is it even an issue? We asked my parents and DP's mum what they want to be called. They could have chosen to be called Superman, WonderWoman and Kylie Minogue for all we care! Tell your DH to man up and stop being such a twunt!

I should probably add that when we'd said I was pregnant we said to stepdad that although he wasn't a direct grandparent and that he hadn't been in our family very long at all that we'd LOVE for him to be a Grandpa to our baby. There was no "You MUST be called". If he'd turned round at the time and said he'd wanted to be called something different it wouldn't have been an issue for me. I called BOTH my grandfathers "Grandpa"

My husband's reaction has surprised me and I've just found it hard to figure out how to diffuse the situation.

I shouldn't be so weak and pushed around. I find conflict hard!

(ps some of you are really angry and harsh- wasn't expecting that, but at least there's honesty here I guess...)

My IL's wanted to be called mama and papa. Just saying that there is a case to be made for not letting the grandparents choose

Blatherskite , you have a very very good point. Maybe there's some deeper reason here that I've missed. Thank you so much.

x

My DC have 5 Nanna's and 1 Bampi (the name us welsh use instead of granddad) and when DP's granddad and my bampi were still alive they were also known as bampi to the DC

Tell your husband to grow up, if his dad's real name was john and your stepdad's real name was john would he also want him to change it by deed poll

karmabeliever, thank you for lightening the mood of this thread- lol!

My DS decided what he would call his grandparents anyway. He called DH's father "Papa" and I tried to get him to call my father Grandpa/Gramps etc to avoid confusion, but he insists on calling him Papa Bob. :)

YANBU, it's not that big a deal.

Oh and he calls his grandmothers Grandma and Mimi. :)

YANBU I really do not get the big deal.

My mum would have preferred to be called gran but my DD put an end to that when at 11 months old she christened my mum Nan-nan. No biggy. My mother didn't get her massive knickers in a twist.

Your DH needs to get a grip.

I'll add my voice in favour of the YABU's if it helps your case .

Also following on from karmabeliever bear in mind that your children may well rename all their grandparents in a few years. Both my grandmas (originally both 'Grandma') got renamed by me and those names stuck.

On a more serious note as well - perhaps your step-dad called his grandad 'Grandad' and so it's special to him? I'd encourage your husband to compromise on this one, especially as we've found with DS (now age 6) that he really doesn't give a stuff or set any real value by which of his grandparents are 'step' ones and which ones are blood realtives - he's a bit confused by the family set up at the moment and still has times when he forgets that Grandma X is actually not daddy's mummy even though she's married to Grandad Y etc. All grandparents are equal in the eyes of little kids from what we've seen...your husband might have to come to terms with that as time goes on... Basically if they're old and giving out sweets my son adores them

Gah - am adding my voice in favour of the YANBUs...sorry!

In a few years, your husband will look back and cringe that he made such a fuss. It's so not a big deal. We let our DS's gp's choose - my stepdad (my dad is not around) chose a nickname I HATE - but that was what he wanted.

My friend's children call her father by his first name only as he refuses to be called any form of "grandad"

Surely it's just semantics?

He is over-reacting, it is between the grandparent and the child to decide what they will ultimately be called. Changing is allowed my dad chose Gramps originally, but decided once DD was born that Grandad sounded better. Your DH's attitude stinks he is not an honourary grandparent in your eyes (does that make him your honourary parent too?), as he is your step-dad and you obviously care about him as a father figure I think you are doing the right thing by letting him choose the name he feels most comfortable with.

I'm laughing at the idea of this man carrying on the Grandad name.

He's happy if there's one Grandad and two Grandpas, but not if there are two Grandads and one Grandpa?

I wouldn't be happy with a relatively new stepfather being called anything at all except his name, just as I would hate my children to call another woman 'mum'. Wouldn't it be better if your mum dealt with this and told her husband to gracefully accept any name he's given?

I don't know why having a DC brings out the control freak in people! It doesn't matter-let them choose, let them change if the want to.

I can't see the fuss! DC will probably end up calling them all grandad.

YANBU

Your DH is BVU and needs to grow up.

What a fuss over nothing. We discussed what the grandparents wanted to be called when DD was very young, and found names that everyone was happy with. DD now has three Grandads, a Nanna and a Grandma, and for the sake of clarity we often tag their first names on as well. So we'll say 'Nanna X' even though she's the only Nanna.

How about a special 'own' name like Grandy James or some defining characteristic-my dh is Hairy Grandad to one set[he has a beard] and Big Grandad to another.The family also has multiple steps etc and we have one family with 3 separate Grandad xxxxxx[first name] including Grandad Bob and Grandad Rob !!

Grip for DH required.

My mum will now never be "granny" because my siblings (half) had children before me and they all discussed what she would like to be called because they would already have a "granny" in their (my siblings) mother and a grandma in ils. TBH my mother was delighted that she wasn't Granny at the time, now she is delighted that she is special amongst a billion other granny's out there - my dd loves it and refuses to call her granny anyway! My mum says it makes her feel much younger and a wee bit more special. Perhaps he could choose his own name, JamJam perhaps? But then by having a more special name this would cause its own issues!!!! Good Luck

My dad was very excited to finally be a grandad.

Until my daughter couldn't say the word and her approximation - Gandee - became his name.

It is a bloody nightmare trying to find cards.

For MrsDistinctly's dad

I chose "granny" when my PFGS was born; these days I'm "Dan". (He's nearly two. I rather like Dan, think I'll stick with it.