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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband adamant stepdad be called something else- am i bad not to feel as strongly?

122 replies

bess1010 · 06/06/2011 20:43

Basically my husband and I wanted his father to be "Grandad" and my father "grandpa", and my step-father "Grandpa-James" (ie Grandpa follwed by his first name). We told them all this when we announced I was pregnant.

Once we'd had our baby my step father changed his mind and said he wants to be called "Grandad-James". My husband is furious and wants me to stand by him for us to MAKE him change it to "Grandpa-James" and can't understand why I am uncomfortable to support him all the way.

I just think it's such an insignificant thing to worry about in the greater scheme of things. Plus we've both made it clear that we'd prefer "Grandpa-James" and my stepdad says he doesn't like the name Grandpa, so what more can we do??

Now my husband is furious I won't stand by him and tell my step dad he's "Grandpa-James" whether he likes it or not. He says it's fine to tell him what to be called as he's an honorary Grandparent. We've both tried to talk to my stepdad a year ago but with no luck. and my husband is really annoyed with the whole issue and that i haven't done anything about it since then.

Am I being unreasonable to not stand by my husband?

OP posts:
pooka · 06/06/2011 23:05

I had a granny-dad's surname & grandpa (my father's parents) and a granny-mother's maiden name & granddad. My father called his parents pa and ma. My mother called her parents mum and dad and that's why the grandpa/grandad thing came about and nanny/nan/grandma all made my mother's teeth itch. note they were only known as granny rather than granny x and y when we were actually with them. The surname only used to differentiate which granny we were talking about.

My dcs have granny/grandpa/stepmother's name (my side) and nanny and granddad (dh's side). 'nanny' now makes MY teeth itch, but mil loathed granny and already had heaps of grandchildren who called her nanny and since it's what she wanted to be called, no probs.

Tink your dh needs to chill out. And be prepared for the fact thatnwhen the kids are with granddad James, he'll probably actually just be called granddad. Or something completely different. My dad was bunker for a long time because that's how dd pronounced it. :)

LolaRennt · 07/06/2011 01:44

TBH if he is not generally mental and controlling about things, and for some reason this one thing really upsets him.. I'd probably go along with it. We all have little things that seem irrational to everyone else but are ridiculously important to us.

x2boys · 07/06/2011 07:24

my children have a step grandad my dh stepdad he has always treated his own granchildren and step granchildren the same long story but my husbands mum died a few years ago his own dad is nt interested so his stepdad is the only grandparent my children have on my dh side he has always been known as grandad tom i also had a step grandad my mums dad died when she was very young and her mum remarried just before i was born he had grandchildren as did my grandma and to be honest they were just grandma and grandad to all of us and i loved him dearly not sure how i would feel if i had fed both parents and stepparents involved though

create · 07/06/2011 15:36

LOL Mrs Distinctly. DS1 refered to my dad as "Is" for years, we never did work out exactly what he was trying to say or why

mrskbpw · 07/06/2011 15:48

My Mum was 'supposed' to be Granny but as soon as my son could talk he called her Nanny and/or Naaaaan (complete with Bianca-Jackson-style Sarf Lahndahn accent) which at first appalled my slightly posh Edinburgh Mum and didn't please me much.

Now we've all got used to it, use it all the time, and I imagine my second son (who is 16-months-old) will be using it too in a few weeks.

I expect your baby will do his/her own naming, no need to stress.

PS: I love Gandee. So sweet.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 07/06/2011 15:50

Your DH sounds like he is being a bit of a twit TBH.

My dear mum always wanted to be called gran (she wouldnt have made a fuss tho) but it just sort of veered towards nanny and that is what DS called her.....I prefered it anyway, Gran made her sound about 100!

mrsravelstein · 07/06/2011 16:00

grandparents (and step grandparents!) get to choose what they want to be called. simple as that. ds1 has a nan & grandad, a gran & keith, a booba & mac and a linda & terry.

TwoWeeSausages · 07/06/2011 16:07

I think you may be worrying over nothing as children tend to decide for themselves what they call grandparents.

DS1 now refers to my DF as 'Ginge' not the 'Granda' he would prefer!

snailoon · 07/06/2011 16:11

Your child won't be able to pronounce this and will come up with a perfectly charming name for him which he will love.

SusanneLinder · 07/06/2011 16:15

What a huge fuss over nothing! When DD had her baby,she asked us what we prefer to be called. I don't get the problem. And DH is "technically" her step-dad, although she never refers to him as such,cos he was the man that brought her up and walked her down the aisle at her wedding. She wants nothing to do with the eejit that is her biological father

MackerelOfFact · 07/06/2011 16:28

'I bet the kid will end up calling them "pompers" and "blipblip"'

Haha, yes, I was about to say the same thing. I don't think I ever called my Grandparents by their arbitrarily assigned names, and nor do my own DCs. Once your DS can speak, he'll probably completely mash up the names and create his own thing.

BetsyBoop · 07/06/2011 16:33

This reminds me if when I was little, apparently my step-grandad decided he wanted to be call "Grandad-Bill" (DF's father died when he was a child, so no longer around to mind what he was called)
I decided I would call him "Bill-Grandma" & it stuck. :) (Strangely enough I called DF's mother "Granny", so no idea where the Grandma bit even came from Grin)

Seriously though, you DH needs to think what is important here:- that your DC has lots of grandparents that love him/her & if s/he's got "extras" then even better, it reeeeeaaally doesn't matter what DCyou call them.

atswimtwolengths · 07/06/2011 19:50

I agree with all the above, BUT her stepfather should feel honoured to be accepted as part of the OP's family and to be called grandpa by her children. Does he really have the right to start insisting what he's called? He risks them saying, well the child will just call you by your first name, then.

EldonAve · 07/06/2011 19:53

We left it up to the Grandparents to choose

pingu2209 · 07/06/2011 19:55

I realise this isn't helpful, but I can't help but find this row rather funny. There are so many things to really have a good blow out over, but this... seriously?!

BikeRunSki · 07/06/2011 20:01

Havn't read all the posts at all, but my mum's partner of 10 years refused to be called Grandad/Grandpa etc as he said that he is not DS's grandfather and felt it would be disrespectful to my dad (dead for 18 years). So DS had Grandad and Uncle Jamie (mum's long term partner), which is what his nephew and niece call him, so is the affectionate name he associates with young children. DS also has an actual Uncle James, which can be a tad confusing.

tyler80 · 07/06/2011 20:21

YANBU

As OH is Danish we never even had to go near this dilemma. It wouldn't even exist even if we were both Danish anyway

Mormor (mum's mum)
Morfar (mum's dad)
Farmor (dad's mum)
Farfar (dad's dad)

There ends the interesting fact for the day

fedupofnamechanging · 07/06/2011 20:42

My MIL is Farmor as she is Danish too tyler. This is what we settled on when I expressed my dissatisfaction with her initial choice (mama). Do you know what a step grandparent would be called?

EldonAve · 07/06/2011 21:35

we also have a farmor and farfar Smile

ScarletOHaHa · 08/06/2011 10:34

Like the Danish system. I agree it is up to the grandparents. My DC adds the house number to differentiate.

TotallyLovely · 08/06/2011 10:45

Jesus Christ! You DH has a problem! It's not normal to get so worked up and dictatorish about something like this. Is he unwell? Anxiety etc?

Does your DH realise that his family don't own the name Grandad and that there is 1 or 2 in every family?! He is making himself look like an idiot and you too if you go along with it.

It's best just to let these names evolve. My DCs call their grandads, "grandad red hair" and "grandad no hair" but often just grandad when they are with them. It really doesn't matter.

empirestateofmind · 08/06/2011 10:48

The house number Scarlet? Do the grandparents all live on the same road?

QuintessentialOldMoo · 08/06/2011 10:51

And the same in Norway as in Denmark.

I think in Sweden they take this a little further with uncles

farbror (fathers brother)
morbror (mothers brother)

hmmm, I wonder what aunt is in swedish?

But OP, as for your dilemma, mountain out of molehill. Let the grandparents decide on their own names, rather than you announcing what you want them to be called.

vvviola · 08/06/2011 11:02

My parents were always going to be Granny & Grandad (although for a while according to DD they were Gammy & Galdalf which we thought was brilliant). DH's Mum is Nana and his (late) father was Popa (not a name I was particularly keen on, but it's the way it is done in DH's family, so I was fine with it).

But we have the issue of DH's step-Mum. She decided initially she should be called by a nickname (kind of like her first name, but easy to pronounce). I had no issues with that - although DH would have preferred she just use her name (they never had a parent/child relationship and she doesn't really have a grandmother/grandchild relationship with DD). Now however she's pushing to be called Nana-First Name. DH isn't happy about it (he considers Nana his Mum), and I'm trying to stay out of it (mainly because step-MIL rubs me up the wrong way a bit). DD has called her by her first name for ages, and hearing step-MIL correct her to call her "Nana-First Name"

My (long and rambling) point is - while to some extent grandparents (and the grandchildren) get to choose what they are called, it does depend on the relationship (and the family history) and sometimes there can be more too it than just letting them choose for themselves what they get called.

cory · 08/06/2011 11:13

You may all find you don't get much of a say in the matter: there's a child involved too, remember, and they often have very strong views on what they want to say. And they need to negotiate their own relationship with each individual grandparent.

Reminds me of those MN threads where new parents try to work out what nicknames they will find acceptable for their child-as if they are ever going to get a say in those!