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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

TO ASK WOMEN. In haVING EVERYTHING; DO YOU END UPDOING DOING EVERYTHING/

108 replies

ScousyFogarty · 05/06/2011 11:06

yOU have all heard the phrase about "having everything" career, family etc Someone came upwith a clever saying "we have everything; but we end up doing everything" (I assume it was about doing job and housework) I should imagine there is a lot of that going on. But you would know better than me.

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 05/06/2011 11:08

No, but then I'm not a door mat and dh is an an adult.

whiteglovetest · 05/06/2011 11:09

Yes we do.
We are capable of so much more than we are given credit for.

Yama · 05/06/2011 11:10

No, my dh does 50% of housework, childcare, getting up in the night, taking time off to look after ill dcs etc. We are a team. We enjoy the mundane together.

SoupDragon · 05/06/2011 11:11

I do everything. I am also not a doormat Hmm

K999 · 05/06/2011 11:12

DP and I both work full time. We share the housework equally. I would say we do the same amount. In fact, he probably does more than me in the house. We also decided to get a cleaner for a few hours a week somewhat we could spend more time with the kids at the weekend. So, no I don't feel like I do everything.

Bumperlicioso · 05/06/2011 11:13

No, but then I am in a grown up relationship with a decent man.

Might I suggest for those who don't find themselves in the same situation it is not the women's fault for 'wanting to have it all' (because god forbid they should be entitled to it as much as men) but the partner's fault for not pulling their weight.

That god-awful phrase really makes it seem like women are to blame, almost 'asking for it'.

kickingking · 05/06/2011 11:14

DH and I both believe we are the one who does everything Grin

rainbowinthesky · 05/06/2011 11:14

Bumper said it much better than me actually.

shirleyshortcut · 05/06/2011 11:17

no,my husband and I have always shared everything

DrGruntFotter · 05/06/2011 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

animula · 05/06/2011 11:18

I find that there just is an enormous amount to do, and only so many hours in the day - even with two people working away.

I know you're asking about the gender divide re. work outside the home + work inside the home but ... I think there's also a whole, huge issue about the fact that modern capitalism expects so much from people, and inevitable it puts a huge strain on the emotional places of the home, affective bonds, and just real time you can spend with children, partners, friends, other family members and just in pleasure and savouring this world we inhabit for such a short time.

Personally, i think it would be great if we could move to shorteer hours, and changing the mindset about careers early on, and intense work being virtuous.

That would be a huge thing, though. Especially with house prices as they are.

shirleyshortcut · 05/06/2011 11:18

some women like to be martyrs though

if their husbands do try to help its never good enough so why bother

Coralanne · 05/06/2011 11:19

What's the saying?

"We can have it all, just not at the same time"

mrsravelstein · 05/06/2011 11:22

i am now a SAHM and as a result do 95% of the childcare/cooking/cleaning/householdy type jobs... but when i was working (only 3 days a week), i still did all the same stuff.

we would have major issues in my household if i worked full time, because i know i'd still be doing the lion's share of the household 'work' too. this is partly down to the fact that dh and i have totally different standards as to what is necessary to be done - for instance, i make all the beds each morning, dh wouldn't bother as he couldn't care less if the duvet is in a heap when he gets into bed in the evening.

ByTheSea · 05/06/2011 11:22

No, DH and I are a team. If anything, he does a bit more.

mrsravelstein · 05/06/2011 11:23

ha, x posted with shirley - that's exactly the issue. i wouldn't say i'm a martyr, but it's me who likes the cushions plumped up on the sofa rather than left on the floor where the kids have chucked them, so it's me who faffs around tidying them up.

TheFlyingOnion · 05/06/2011 11:25

I live on my own so yes, I do everything! I like it that way...

DuelingFanjo · 05/06/2011 11:26

dunno. I have a job not a career. I am going back to work full time in the same job after maternity leave later this year. I do most of the tidying and cleaning because I am bad at kicking my dh up the arse, though essentially we are both lazy so do very little. Circumstances mean the baby will be dropped off and picked up by me most days as the creche is at my work.

whiteglovetest · 05/06/2011 11:27

I dont see the big deal. Its isnt hard. Dont blokes on their own do the same?

AnnieLobeseder · 05/06/2011 11:27

Well, if you mean by doing everything, everything I want to do, then yes. I have a job I love, amazing children, hobbies, a social life and a cleaner.

If you mean everything as in, I have to slave at work all day and then come home and slave all night and weekend while DH watched the footy and drinks beer, then no. We both work hard for a couple of hours when we get home, and sometimes it's all a bit hectic, but we split the load equally, and chat and giggle while we do it so it's no hardship.

I think you can have it all if you respect yourself and each other, and never sell yourself short. Never value yourself below any other member of your family, even your children.

Georgimama · 05/06/2011 11:30

This will turn into a SAHM v WOHM mutual bashing thread, even though it isn't meant to be one.

I have a career and a family. So does my husband. No one queries whether he can "have it all".

Gingefringe · 05/06/2011 11:30

I agree.

Conversely, my DH has everything - career, family, etc but does nothing!!

tak1ngchances · 05/06/2011 11:33

I have many girlfriends who are working mums and complain bitterly about the fact that their husbands do nothing.
They are resentful and bitter and have stopped having meaningful/intimate relationships with their husbands (3 women have told me this in the last month).
On the outside it seems that they have it all: great careers, lovely kids & babies, lovely homes. However their lives are in turmoil because they live in a state of seething resentment.

We have spoken at length about this, in twos, in threes, over dinner, on the phone, by text. Some of it is that they have unrelenting standards and they cannot let their husbands do any of the home/baby stuff because they believe they can do it better themselves. So the husbands have stopped trying because they are told that it's all wrong and they have fucked everything up.
Another part of it is that men seem to believe that a lot of housework and childcare "just happens", or they think that even though both parties are full time salaried, their job is the more stressful/important one and should be prioritised.

I think Having it All a complete fallacy. No one has it all.

In my workplace this week there is a focus group which will address the issue that although the gender split at middle management level is 50:50, at director level it is 70:30 male: female. The company wants to know why. I think a lot of it is that we all see the director-level women coming to the office 5 days a week and feeling that they are failing their children and equally not giving enough to their jobs.

I do not know what the answer is. I wish I did as DH and I have started TTC and we are heading straight down this same path of needing a dual-income to afford to live where we do etc. Part of me feels trapped in this situation of having to work once we have kids. Another part feels that I would become bored as a SAHM. Either way, I do not want to end up hating my husband and feeling that I am responsible for absolutely everything.

K999 · 05/06/2011 11:35

Good post AnnieL

Georgimama · 05/06/2011 11:37

takingchances there are 2 possible solutions to the problem you outline, and I have suggested them to friends in a similar position. In fact they aren't distinct, it's best to do both:

  1. lower your standards (if they are stupidly over high - many women's are) and stop treating your husband as if he is an incompetent moron who cannot be trusted to do anything with the baby/house

  2. outsource tasks neither of you want to do - cleaning, ironing etc

Works for me. I do have working friends whose husbands will not do housework or agree to a cleaner, I have no constructive suggestion to make in response to that as the only one that would work for me would be divorce.