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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be pissed off at DP about his work arrangements in the run up to the birth of our DC2?

26 replies

Stangirl · 01/06/2011 19:51

I am 33 weeks pg with DC2 with a 16mo DD. I am tired and huge and my last day at my fulltime job is tomorrow (hurray!). Every time my DP sits down to talk to me recently it has been to ask for more time to spend at work. First off he is spending all of this Saturday (7am till 10pm) at a work event. Next he says he wants to go on a conference in France for 2 days in 3 weeks time. Now he tells me that he hasn't asked for his paternity leave yet - and even when he does if it is when we hope it is (I have am ELCS booked for 39 weeks) then he will need to go into work for an all day board mtg on the second Thursday.

I have pointed out that a) if he goes to Italy he may miss the birth of his child, b) that he can't expect me to take care of our toddler and a newborn by myself 10 days after major surgery, c) that as a Director of the company he should be able to get them to be more reasonable, d) he's a bloody coward for not asking for paternity leave yet. I am soooo cross. AIBU?

OP posts:

BooBooGlass · 01/06/2011 19:58

Honestly? I think you are being a bit nreasonable. You're about to have your second dc, things are about to get much busier and more expensive, so he's probably going to get as much as he can done before his leave. I assume he has informed his work that you are pregnant and just hasn't set a date for his leave to start- that's pretty standard. And unfortunately, there ar eplenty of people who have to just get on with it on themselves after a baby. I do think he's trying to do the best he can. Have you actually talked about this with him? He may not know how you feel

Portofino · 01/06/2011 20:02

How owuld he know exactly when his paternity leave starts? I was nearly 42 weeks when dd was born and then spent days in the hospital. If he is a director he can't fuck everyone about - he needs to carry on as normal until you actually give birth.

Portofino · 01/06/2011 20:04

Though fair enough he should be avoiding trips overseas....

troisgarcons · 01/06/2011 20:05

Portofino Wed 01-Jun-11 20:02:51
How owuld he know exactly when his paternity leave starts?

Because the OP has a c-section booked

Frankly in this economic climate EVERYONE needs to be working over and above the call of duty I'm afraid. You aren't the first and wont be the last woman to have a baby.

Portofino · 01/06/2011 20:09

Yes, but anything could happen. I had a date for a planned cs. It didn't happen. I gave birth (via emcs) 2 weeks later. DH didn't start his paternity leave til I got home from the hospital, so about 18 days after I was originally "booked" to have a baby!

hairylights · 01/06/2011 20:09

Im a director, and i certainly dont expect more leeway than others... In fact i i do things by the book to set an example to my employees.

I'm almost certain that he's left it too late to ask for paternity leave ... He was supposed to inform his employer by the 15th week before your due date. Sorry if that's an extra worry but thought I'd better point it out so he can deal with it sooner rather than later?

Directgov says "To qualify for Ordinary Paternity Leave, you must have been with your employer for at least 26 weeks by either:
the end of the 15th week before the start of the week when the baby is due
the end of the week you are notified you are matched with your child"

hairylights · 01/06/2011 20:11

Sorry, wrong link.

"You must give your employer the correct amount of notice. You should tell them in writing either:
at least 15 weeks before the beginning of the week when the baby's due
within seven days of being told by the adoption agency that you have been matched with a child"

LadyBeagleEyes · 01/06/2011 20:13

So is he going to France or Italy?

WindowPane · 01/06/2011 20:15

my dh has always travelled. within 3 days of returning home from hospital he is up and away again. Our 3rd dc was a caeserian, and it was business as usual. The others were 2 and 4. The world doesn't stop just because you have had a baby. And there was no such thing as paternity leave either!

Original poster

Stangirl · 01/06/2011 20:21

@LBE France

His company know I'm pg - it's only about 15 employees - so I don't think the notice period will be a problem. They also pay him his full salary for the pat leave - it's just he hasn't agreed whether it will be one or two weeks.

@portofino - I don't really understand your case. My ob has said they they will almost definitely do my c-section on 11th July but if not the day after. I could of course go into labour earlier than that.

I'm not expecting him to have any special treatment as a Director - I just pointed out that if it is so important for him - as a Director - to attend the board mtg then then he could ask for it to be shifted 2 working days to the start of the next week. There's only 4 of them in the meeting and he's the only one who travels out of London. His pat leave period should be treated as sacrosanct.

OP posts:

Sunflowergirl2011 · 01/06/2011 20:22

From a practical point of view, I agree with what others say about the economic climate, having to just get on with it etc. However, that said, I would feel exactly like you if i were in this situation so no, YANBU. I know people have to work and its important to fit in with your employer but come on, surely some things (like the birth of your child, supporting you wife) is more important in the grand scheme of things.

(Ps - this is my first AIBU reply- how exciting!!)

BooBooGlass · 01/06/2011 20:23

Sacrosanct? Really? Do you actually expect the world to stop because you've had a baby? Or understand the workings of a business AT ALL?

plantsitter · 01/06/2011 20:28

I think YANBU. We're still human beings,even in the current economic climate and a child's birth is extremely important - I dare say even more important than a fortnight of a company director's time. As is its mother's mental and physical health after the event.

MumblingRagDoll · 01/06/2011 20:28

Stangirl it's so hard...I had t do it too after my 2nd C Section....I looked after my toddler and my baby alone. It happens. Work is money.

shineoncrazydiam0nd · 01/06/2011 20:29

Is he going to France or Italy?

sungirltan · 01/06/2011 20:29

yanbu to feel a bit done down BUT my dh went into this total freak out close to me having dd about providing for the both of us. i had no sympathy at the time but he has talked openly to me about how scared he was about the responsibilty a few times since and i do understand. it seemed like the more i tried to pin him down the more twitchy he got. with dc2 i will try and be calmer. we are hoping i will conceive soon so the baby is due when he's home for the winter but if its not i will cope - there are other people who can hekp me and i've ocnsidered a nanny for a short period if its necessary (realise i have the luxury of that choice and dodnt mean it flippantly)

agree iwth others that its the climate atm with business. think about a back up birth partner and who can give you a hand post birth and make a plan. he's not the worst husband ever for being like this - he means well i think

shineoncrazydiam0nd · 01/06/2011 20:29

X post

toddlerama · 01/06/2011 20:29

Hmm, we had a similar scenario. DH works for a very small company and with DD1 hadn't been with them quite long enough to qualify for paternity leave (3 months shy of it) and with DD2, he didn't give them the 15 weeks notice and couldn't have it. He asked with 14 weeks to go. Not only this, but after my second section I had heinous complications and he wasn't around (sent to a client in Edinburgh) and I had to be readmitted to the hospital with DD2 leaving DD1 (15 months old) with a mixture of aunts and grannies whilst I tried to recover. Obviously, he could have put his foot down and refused to go, but in this climate that seemed foolish. I do think his boss might hate me a bit...

toddlerama · 01/06/2011 20:31

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable really, it's just a bit shit for everyone. My lovely dad did visit me a lot though! Try and find some back up.

RedHotPokers · 01/06/2011 20:31

It is shitty OP, especially the o/s travel.
He really needs to communicate with both you and work to confirm exactly how necessary all this extra work is, and whether anything can be postponed or shared with colleagues.
However, if its all absolutely necessary then you will have to suck it up.

camdancer · 01/06/2011 20:38

My DH is also a company director and I'm 40 weeks tomorrow with #3, so could pop at any time. So I'm hoping that DH will be able to take some paternity leave, but I know he'll have to work from home a lot of the time. I'm just praying that he doesn't have to go to the US any time soon. It sucks but that's life. I know that DH would rather be with us, but sometimes the company has to come first. It's the meal ticket for the whole family.

Could your DH work from home at all? Maybe dial into the board meeting this time?

Original poster

Stangirl · 01/06/2011 21:14

Thank you all for your advice - DP was particularly pleased with the balance of answers.

Oh - and BooBooGlass - no I don't understand the workings of business. I've worked 20 years in the public sector.

OP posts:

basingstoke · 01/06/2011 21:19

DH worked abroad during the week until 3 weeks before my due date. His boss was then very when DS didn't turn up until two weeks after that...

I think one day in work over the two weeks is probably reasonable, unless there is no way you can get anyone else to help then.

Orbinator · 01/06/2011 21:25

Completely get you OP - my DP is prob going to be abroad when I'm giving birth - he's away for training in Spain for a new job. He's not told them i'm pg as competition for the place was so fierce he didn't want to have to take paternity leave in the first few weeks of starting a new job. I can understand that, but it is very . I don't have any other family so, unless friends are free (most have jobs and kids) it looks like it will be just me and the MWs! It did help my decision to have a home birth though (no one to take me to hospital or carry my bags? Pfff, no thanks!)

skybluepearl · 01/06/2011 22:15

most answers seem very bias towards your DH! I think he should get as much done as pos before the birth and then stop for his full paternity leave.

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