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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my friends to know i have no desire to seduce their partners just because i am single

123 replies

Mamaz0n · 01/06/2011 11:48

I am newly single.

my pals all have partners and we all socialise together. we are all good mates and I get on really well with the menfolk as well as the women.

Saturday it was pals fella's birthday. They had a prty that i attended. we had a really good time. a little inhebriated i was moaning to pals fella (we will call him bob) about being single and telling him that as my mate it was his duty to find me a suitable replacement.

When i left he text me a really lovely text saying that i was great and that i shouldn't worry, i will find my Prince charming sooner or later.

It was lovely and really cheered me up. I replied taht he too was lovely, my pal was a lucky girl and that if i could find someone who made me 1 tenth of as happy as they made each other i would be gratefull.

Pal carried on drinking after i had left and yesterday he text me asking what he had text me as he doesn't save outbox messages. He was so drunk by the end that he couldn't remember.
We had a bit of banter as i was telling him all sorts (coming on to his mil, flashing his bum to passing police etc etc all very silly but funny - you had to be there)

anyway, conversation went to finding me a man, he asked what was i looking for. I replied "tall handsome funny intelligent. ya know, the usual"
he replied "so essentially, ME"

I really did lol.

converstion carried on a bit. just usual banter. same as we would have if we had been in a room with all our other friends and his partner. gentle ribbing meant with affection iyswim.

anyway, bumped into pal and i told her we had been texting and about the "essentially me" text. I thought it was hilarious that he was such a vain git.

It seems as soon as i left her she was on teh phone to him berating him for cominhg on to me, or for making me feel that he was interested.

I am actually deeply hurt that she could think i would think that. Or that there was a possibility that i would want that.

This has never been an issue when i was with Xp. but now it seems i am single and so should be treated differently.

My behaviour hasn't changed. Bobs behaviour hasn't changed. And yet pal's reaction has.

Is this my life now? to be shunned by my couple pals for fear that i will steal their man?

OP posts:

MooMooFarm · 02/06/2011 19:55

I don't do jealousy and DH & I go out with our little 'gang' and there's sometimes a bit of flirty banter going on, which is fine. But to me it's the fact that it was texts going on between OP and this man that makes it out of order. That gives it a 'private' feeling that doesn't feel right to me (be it a joke or not).

I can flirt for England but I wouldn't do flirty texts with anyone but my DH. Maybe that makes me an old fart And I agree that the 'being single' thing is a red herring...

portaloo · 02/06/2011 19:55

How did you know that 'as soon as i left her she was on teh phone to him berating him for cominhg on to me, or for making me feel that he was interested.'

MooMooFarm · 02/06/2011 19:57

Good question

cannydoit · 02/06/2011 20:02

to be honest mama sounds like you guys were flirting which isnt necessarily a bad thing if thats the kind of relationship you have always had, lots of my ex husbands friends were like that with me kind of a flirty friendly banter.while you are in a relationship that can seem totally harmless but once someone is single it can take on a new dimension, to some ones partner that can feel a bit threatening especially if that someone is a bit insecure. i distinctly remember one of my friends saying to me after i separated from my hubby and i said i wanted to start having sex, "dont start with my bf" and she wasnt kidding. but thats because we had always gotten on and flirted but i was safe before now i wasnt in her eyes. it weird.

Snuppeline · 02/06/2011 20:17

Well done for taking the comments telling you YABU OP.If your friend is fine then leave it all as it is and I'm sure it will all be forgotten soon.

To all who say being single shouldn't mark you as an outcast - I couldnt' agree more. However, there are social rules in any group of friends and we should all make a point of learning what those are. Obviously if you don't like those that apply in your own social circle you may want to find likeminded people.

jellyvodkas · 02/06/2011 20:22

I know what you are going through.
Its sounds like you did over step the mark a bit.
When you are single you have to be really blatantly dis interested and very cool with your girl friends partners.
I have found that I rarely get invited to a girl friends place if partners are involved ....I think we singles are a threat....sadly.

MooMooFarm · 02/06/2011 20:31

Jellyvodkas I don't understand what you're saying.... 'You have to be really blatently dis interested...' surely a friend wouldn't be interested (in that way) in her friends partners anyway? You say you are a threat - if so your 'friends' must already have relationships which are on the rocks - and aren't really 'friends' of yours at all anyway - or that whole issue wouldn't be an issue.

As I said before, there is nothing wrong with a bit of banter - but a private little exchange of flirty messages as in this case was leaving the man's partner right out in the cold - and that's where the line was crossed.

In any (ok in most) loving relationships, there are boundaries, which are not there to make it boring and a pain in the arse, but, IMO, to make the relationship special and intimate in a way that neither are with anyone else. And that doesn't just mean sex - to me (and my DH) it's all the other things that make it special - the flirting, the suggestive notes and text messages, the doe eyed looks across the room. I wouldn't want to do those things with anyone else, and DH wouldn't either. That probably plays a large part in why we're still in love (and lust) after donkeys years together.

If there are no boundaries in relationships, then WTF, lets all just jump in one big shag fest together - who needs anything special and intimate with just one person?

ilovedora27 · 02/06/2011 20:46

I really cant understand how this is a big deal at all. Some people are really making a big deal of nothing OP. Its just a joke and not a big deal. i would hate it if I didnt trust my husband or friends together or having a joke, same as vice versa. It doesnt mean you want to run off with them or are going to pull each other.

Some people just arent secure in their marriages or just dont have jokey banter with their mates. I really wouldnt worry about it if I was you I think if she suspected you would do anything then she isnt a real mate anyway imo.

MooMooFarm · 02/06/2011 20:51

Oh FFS isn't everyone saying there's nothing wrong with jokey banter? It's just that private flirty text messages between two people might be a bit more than that.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 02/06/2011 20:57

WHoever's complaingin about being called a mundane - among their main defining characteristcs, mundanes are people with mundane minds eg Noahs Arkers who are frightened of single adults. If you have a mixed group of mates, you're probably not a mundane.

CheerfulYank · 02/06/2011 21:03

Well, color me reassured. :o

jellyvodkas · 02/06/2011 21:43

What I am saying is you have to remain in a place that tells others that you are not trying to flirt or get on too amazingly well with their partners.
As a single female , no matter how you behave you are always going to be a threat to your female friends , especially if you are laughing, flirtying and joking with their other half.
This is only my experience anyway.....
If you are pretty, slim etc you dont even have to say anything to their men...
especially if they are insecure about their relationship, they are terribly over weight, their husband is a total flirt or has had an affair....

worraliberty · 02/06/2011 21:57

I think you're judging that on your friends jelly

It certainly wasn't a problem for my friends or their partners when I was single...however I would have gouged my eyes out rather than come across as someone desperately wanting anyone to find me a man.

MooMooFarm · 02/06/2011 22:08

jelly your last post does not make you sound like much of a friend to all the friends you label as 'insecure.... overweight...etc' .

Good job you're pretty, slim, etc - you obviously won't be single for long

ilovedora27 · 02/06/2011 22:57

I think jellys thing goes both ways if you know you are pretty, slim etc and have a husband you trust yourself then you wouldnt care less if your husband was invited to the playboy mansion. Thats how I am anyway with my husband and him to me.

As a said up thread my husband has seen most of my friends, both single and attached getting changed, slept in the bed with them and me etc. I dont think its a big deal at all and I have done the same with his friends. If you trust the person and are secure in yourself then its not a big deal and if you do suspect your husband or your friends then you are probably in the wrong marriage/friendships.

worraliberty · 02/06/2011 23:14

I don't really agree because look how many beautiful, slim women there are who are still insecure about themselves? I don't think looks make any difference in this particular case either because the guy's wife could be stunning for all we know.

I do agree about the trust though...however that doesn't mean other people should act disrespectfully.

SlackSally · 02/06/2011 23:39

Personally, I would be on the not-really-bothered side of this. I would be pleased my DP was trying to make my friend feel better. Appreciate this may be a minority view, though.

Doesn't it get tiring being so insecure?

takethisonehereforastart · 03/06/2011 00:05

It's my night to share too much tonight but I have a friend whose partner was taking part in some friendly, flirty banter with a girl at work earlier in the year.

My friend went from not minding him chatting to this girl to minding very much because a comment he made about it just struck her as off. Her DH protested that he had a right to have female friends and that she couldn't pick and choose who he spoke to or how and it was all innocent. This went on for weeks and my friend agonised over it all. He was so insistant about the innocent, just friends thing while at the same time so unreasonably determind to ignore how upset and ill my friend was feeling (she was in the early stages of pregnancy while all this was happening). The comments were similar to yours and your friends OH.

There's something that just reads 'off' for me too about your posts. I don't think your being single is the problem. It's just a bit odd to me that you felt it necessary to tell your friend what her OH had said in his texts and then he then felt it necessary to text you to tell you she was upset that he had been texting you.

And the way you have said you are like three best friends together. You may well be but they still have a relationship that you aren't a part of and I'm wondering if the 'best friends who always take part in flirty banter' angle may be blurring at the edges a bit due to the closeness the three of your share, especially when it usually happens when you are all together but this took place between just the two of you and that's perhaps changed the dynamic.

Maybe your friend has taken this the wrong way because of your newly single status but I do think her OH crossed the line by telling you how she had reacted to your revelations about the contents of his texts and you might have also crossed it by telling her about this hillarious flirty converstation that she wasn't a part of.

hairfullofsnakes · 03/06/2011 06:23

Takethisonhereforasrart... Please update your last thread that you started?! Want to know what happened with the in laws?!

MooMooFarm · 03/06/2011 08:43

ilovedora your relationship sounds very interesting .

DH and I must be so old fashioned - we have never got changed or slept in bed (or the etc.... the mind boggles) with each others friends.

And personally I wouldn't be happy if he suddenly had a personality transplant and decided to go to the playboy mansion - because it would mean he'd turned into a mysogynistic tosser

jellyvodkas · 03/06/2011 16:25

Moomoofarm... I am 52 fairly slim, fairly attractive...but its all going southerly now...
Focus on the op... as I was trying to help , advise....
Cattiness not appropriate please.

ilovedora27 · 03/06/2011 18:14

Moomoofarm - He has lived in the flat with my girl friends before and we have all been in the same bed after wreckhead events in our youth. No sex or dodgy stuff going on we are all just friends. My brother used to be in with us to and it was when we had been up all nights and no beds.

We got together very young though and I trust him more than anything in front of anyone, with anyone and in any situation. Same as vice versa I dont get people who get jealous of these types of things at al tbh. If you have a loving, caring man who treats you like a princess and all women as ladies you dont need to worry. The fact the ops friend is worried makes me think her man isnt like that or she has trust issues or is insecure

MooMooFarm · 05/06/2011 22:56

dora not exactly what I was imagining you meant. Me and my dirty mind

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