to want my friends to know i have no desire to seduce their partners just because i am single

[Mamaz0n]

I am newly single.

my pals all have partners and we all socialise together. we are all good mates and I get on really well with the menfolk as well as the women.

Saturday it was pals fella's birthday. They had a prty that i attended. we had a really good time. a little inhebriated i was moaning to pals fella (we will call him bob) about being single and telling him that as my mate it was his duty to find me a suitable replacement.

When i left he text me a really lovely text saying that i was great and that i shouldn't worry, i will find my Prince charming sooner or later.

It was lovely and really cheered me up. I replied taht he too was lovely, my pal was a lucky girl and that if i could find someone who made me 1 tenth of as happy as they made each other i would be gratefull.

Pal carried on drinking after i had left and yesterday he text me asking what he had text me as he doesn't save outbox messages. He was so drunk by the end that he couldn't remember.
We had a bit of banter as i was telling him all sorts (coming on to his mil, flashing his bum to passing police etc etc all very silly but funny - you had to be there)

anyway, conversation went to finding me a man, he asked what was i looking for. I replied "tall handsome funny intelligent. ya know, the usual"
he replied "so essentially, ME"

I really did lol.

converstion carried on a bit. just usual banter. same as we would have if we had been in a room with all our other friends and his partner. gentle ribbing meant with affection iyswim.

anyway, bumped into pal and i told her we had been texting and about the "essentially me" text. I thought it was hilarious that he was such a vain git.

It seems as soon as i left her she was on teh phone to him berating him for cominhg on to me, or for making me feel that he was interested.

I am actually deeply hurt that she could think i would think that. Or that there was a possibility that i would want that.

This has never been an issue when i was with Xp. but now it seems i am single and so should be treated differently.

My behaviour hasn't changed. Bobs behaviour hasn't changed. And yet pal's reaction has.

Is this my life now? to be shunned by my couple pals for fear that i will steal their man?

It's nothing to do with you being single, and everyting to do with you being inappropriate. Can you really not see why his partner is pissed off?

I think you're being very thick skinned her OP if you're blaming it on the fact you're now single.

It's not that you're single imo, it's that you're flirting via private text messages with your friend's fella.

Even your thread title is flippant and a bit dismissive of your friend's feelings.

Snap BooBoo...I just took longer to waffle on

I said some.

I came into the thread to say it's bollocks actually. I've been a single parent for a LOOOOOOONG time and have never had this problem with my friends. Because I don't get ridiculously flirty. You have behaved wrongly, and you should apologise to his partner, as should he.

Well i consider myself told.

I think i will just steer clear of everyone for a while.

Like I said earlier, Mamazon: I really don't think that the friend sees you as the issue. She seems to have the issue with her DP. He might have a history of text-flirting with women that you don't know about, amongst other things.

He WAS flirting with you, though. You're either v-e-r-y innocent or v-e-r-y thick not to know so

Or you could change your behaviour a bit perhaps?

Oh don't steer clear of everyone, you daft cow! Dust yourself down and don't mention it again and carry on. Consider it a lesson in boundaries, nothing more.

well yes i need to change my behaviour.
I am clearly really thick. I genuinly didn't read anything more into it than innocnet banter.

Im going to keep myself to myself until i work out where these new single person boundaries lay.
I have obviously massivly missed them

Sounds like you text your mates DP more than your mate. You really can't see the problem can you.

I totally agree with LyingWitch. You need to back off before you fund yourself not only single but friendless.

X post

Look, you might be comfortable with the sexeh flirty banter but your friend's wife isn't. We all have different levels of acceptable. My friend lets her DH play fight, yes PLAY FIGHT, with her BM. I find it totally weird and uncomfortable when she is straddling him and trying to tickle him to death. But my friend finds it hilarious. I would kick DH's baws into next week if he play fought any of my mates.

You would think, bupcakes. But sadly, a lot of women see their husbands/partners as people who are sitting gormlessly on a shelf in a supermarket, just waiting for another woman to grab them and put the poor boy in their trolley.

Fear of single women = infantilising men. If you really don't think your partner can cope with the slightest interest from another woman, then he shouldn't be in a relationship with you.

You seem very hung up on being 'single'

Being single doesn't make you a different person.

'Single' is not a new species of human being....it's just being yourself but without a partner.

You've accepted you need to change your behaviour and that's a good start.

"Fear of single women = infantilising men."

That's what I was trying to get across. Thank you :) On a different note, it's like the Imogen Thomas thing; homewrecker/husband stealer etc etc. Husbands can only be stolen if they WANT to be stolen.

Mamazon, I am NOT, repeat NOT, comparing you to Imogen Thomas, please don't hit me.

None of my mates are arsed about me being single and preying on their fellas. They know I think their blokes are knobheads.

But Ido know what you mean OP. But my experience is just talking to them..not texting them. I probably feel i'd crossed a line there.

I wonder if it wasn't that your friend thinks you or her DH were flirting deliberately, but that she was worried in a sort of "what if something developed between them and they didn't notice until it was too late" way?

I get this too. However, being totally Frank here, I do flirt a lot. I haven't changed since being single but I am conscious that it may be misconstrued by the man now I'm single so I am more careful. There's nothing in it on my part but payful banter so if I do it now it's in public and almost 'over the top' so they realise. IMO the texting crossed a line I wouldn't have been comfortable with if I was the partner, especially if I found out from the other party. Just be sensitive to the people involved.

It was quite flirty but I have to say, it's not like you described him exactly - tall, handsome, funny, intelligent - it's pretty general, surely?

I think it was him that took it too far with the 'essentially me' comment to be honest and he made it personal. Nothing wrong with the 'you're a great guy and you two are lucky' thing.

Perhaps your friend has issues with him going a bit OTT with the flirting and it's nothing to do with whether you're single or not, just that she doesn't like him having flirty banter with an attractive lady!

You both crossed the line with the texting (agree with porcamesira on this). it's nothing to do with being single, you were wrong to have text banter with your friend's dh. How would you have felt?! Think about your actions a bit more and be a bit more respectful and don't cross certain lines. I can totally understand her being annoyed with both of you and you should apologise.

Oh and if you don't want to be thought of as 'that sort of woman' dont act like that sort of woman! Your friend is probably also very surprised that you felt it was ok to indulge in text banter with her dh.

OFFS - people are not possessions. There is nothing wrong with having text banter with a mate. Do some of you actually have any male friends? Good grief

I understand you totally Mamazon. Your banter with your friend and her OH hasn't changed, your attitude hasn't changed and you're still the same person now that you were when you were in a couple with your ex. I think your friend has changed. The only difference between then and now is that you're single, and simply talking and having a laugh with any bloke could be construed as 'flirting' simply because you're single.

An old saying I've once heard was: "Give some people a letter of the alphabet and they could read volumes into it". When I read your OP, that's the first thing I thought.

I'm wondering if his DP has sussed that he quite fancies you...
He sent the first text, a 'really lovely' one after you'd left the party.
And then (and it may have just been an excuse to get back into conversation but either way....) he was worried about what he might've texted. What was he thinking he might've texted?
Just a thought.

And, the texting isn't quite like banter in a room of pals. As far as his DP's concerned, it's more like whispering.