to want my friends to know i have no desire to seduce their partners just because i am single

[Mamaz0n]

I am newly single.

my pals all have partners and we all socialise together. we are all good mates and I get on really well with the menfolk as well as the women.

Saturday it was pals fella's birthday. They had a prty that i attended. we had a really good time. a little inhebriated i was moaning to pals fella (we will call him bob) about being single and telling him that as my mate it was his duty to find me a suitable replacement.

When i left he text me a really lovely text saying that i was great and that i shouldn't worry, i will find my Prince charming sooner or later.

It was lovely and really cheered me up. I replied taht he too was lovely, my pal was a lucky girl and that if i could find someone who made me 1 tenth of as happy as they made each other i would be gratefull.

Pal carried on drinking after i had left and yesterday he text me asking what he had text me as he doesn't save outbox messages. He was so drunk by the end that he couldn't remember.
We had a bit of banter as i was telling him all sorts (coming on to his mil, flashing his bum to passing police etc etc all very silly but funny - you had to be there)

anyway, conversation went to finding me a man, he asked what was i looking for. I replied "tall handsome funny intelligent. ya know, the usual"
he replied "so essentially, ME"

I really did lol.

converstion carried on a bit. just usual banter. same as we would have if we had been in a room with all our other friends and his partner. gentle ribbing meant with affection iyswim.

anyway, bumped into pal and i told her we had been texting and about the "essentially me" text. I thought it was hilarious that he was such a vain git.

It seems as soon as i left her she was on teh phone to him berating him for cominhg on to me, or for making me feel that he was interested.

I am actually deeply hurt that she could think i would think that. Or that there was a possibility that i would want that.

This has never been an issue when i was with Xp. but now it seems i am single and so should be treated differently.

My behaviour hasn't changed. Bobs behaviour hasn't changed. And yet pal's reaction has.

Is this my life now? to be shunned by my couple pals for fear that i will steal their man?

I have nearly all single friends and most have my long term friends have shared beds with me and my husband after nights out, he has seen most partially dressed/in underwear etc. It doesnt matter if you are secure in your marriage. Loads of my friends say my husband is fit and they would like to shag him. Its something to be proud of ime

I don't see what she said as thinking you were about to nick her man at all. Seems like she was telling her partner to not be an idiot.

I'm not single, and I think I probably love a bit of banter as much as the next person, but the texting druink conversation strikes me as a little off. I doubt your mate would like it whether you're single or not, I wouldn't in all honesty.

It just seems a little disrespectful. Sorry. Tbh, even the texting wasn't too bad, but telling your mate what her bloke said WAS... I mean EEEK NOOOO!!!

I don't know. To be honest, I felt a bit uncomfortable reading that and I actually guessed you would describe him and he would say me when he asked what sort of bloke you want

Is the problem with all your friends and their blokes (as you say in the title) or just this one friend and her bloke?

Are you sure you don't fancy him? And if you are just newly single why do you want a bloke so soon?

I'm also single, and sorry OP, but wouldn't text anyone elses partner in a flirty way, I wouldn't be comfortable with it.
It's fine at a party in a group, but the texting just goes over the line IMO.

I have been on the single side of the fence and experienced the kind of attitudes you're talking about OP and I found it intensely irritating too.

There is definitely a sense of injustice to it. However, I have to say that the text banter you described in your OP did seem to be dipping a toe across the line of what's appropriate.

When I was single, I wouldn't have engaged in back and forth like that with a friend's BF. It's just not on, really. Sure, have some banter and a laugh with him when you're all together, but texting with her BF is like having an in-joke behind her back. I can understand why she feels uncomfortable and I think you should have been a bit more sensitive to the situation.

Sorry, but I think that you crossed a line here. It wasn't a good idea to engage in flirty texts with a friend's dp. It might weel have been exactly how you've always spoken in the past in front of other people. However, these are texts which puts the conversation into a private space.

I think that you need to be quite careful as to how your friendliness may be interpreted by both men and other women. I've had other women's dp's come on to me quite unexpectedly (and unwelcomely) when I've just been behaving perfectly normally and it.'s made me quite cautious

"Fair to say i will think not twice but thrice next time i speak to a man that has a girlfriend

But thats not what some people are saying OP! its not that you chatted its just that you had a fair bit of flirty banter then you told his wife and it could be construed as shit stirring, think you are playing the victim here whereas actually what you did was a bit...out of order

Fair to say i will think not twice but thrice next time i speak to a man that has a girlfriend No need for that, but maybe thinking thrice before flirty texting your mates partner might be good idea.

And out of interest, how did you find out that she was straight on the phone to her DP after your conversation with her?

Good question, Snickers. OP did he tell you, or did she?

I've been thinking about this OP and perhaps it's not your friend's attitudes that are changing now you're single but yours?

Presumably when you were not single, you wouldn't have been asking him to 'find you a man'...or you wouldn't have gushed I replied taht he too was lovely, my pal was a lucky girl and that if i could find someone who made me 1 tenth of as happy as they made each other i would be gratefull (or perhaps you would, I don't know?)

Having then gone on to describe the man you want as similar to him..well maybe even he feels uncomfortable now he's thought about it?

Can you honestly say you haven't changed since becoming single and desperatley wanting a new man?

I think that the 'essentially me' text was flirty and I can see why she had a go at him. Especially, as others have said, that this was in a private text conversation with you. i imagine he was very surprised that you told his wife.

Good point worra.

oh yes, your 'friend is lucky to have you' comment is also inappropriate IMO.

Is this one of those times where both parties feign shocked outrage at being accused of anything untoward because the texts are, on the surface, completely innocent, but the subtext is: he probably would if he thought he could get away with it, and she likes knowing that...?

I can assure you all that i have behaved no differently since becoming single.

In fact i have always commented to both of them about how right for eahc other they are and how seemingly perfect they are together.

I told my friend about the text because i saw nothing in them. they were just messing about the same as we always have.

But the replies here show me that this is clearly not just my friend that thinks this was and that i am right to think i should be more wary now i am single.

And i am not feigning anything and i certainly don't feel shock or outrage. I am hurt and upset that my friend could think that there would more to it that there was.
That I would betray her in such a way

How can it be exactly the same though? I mean surely before you were single you wouldn't have asked this guy to find you a fella and described someone like him? I'm sorry but it does sound a teensy bit like you were testing the water with him to see if he fancied you...then making sure your friend knew about it. But obviously that's just what I get from your OP.

How did you find out she got straight on the phone to him?

Mamazon, I do like you as a poster and from what I know of you through your posting on here, I have you down as someone with some scruples so I don't think you were trying it on with your mate's DH. However...

I think you're being a bit naive here, in two respects. One, that it's because you are single that your friend has got the hump (it's not because you're single, it's because her DH has crossed the line) and two because you don't know really whata might have gone on in their relationship previous to this. Like someone else said, it might be the straw that broke the camel's back. You said that you feel that this wouldn't have been a problem if it had gone on when you were with your ex-DP but the truth is, you wouldn't have been having this type of banter if you had still been with ex-DP. You might have still bantered, yes, but not about this type of thing, if you see what I mean.

Also, it seems that she is pissed off with her DH and not you. To be honest, I would be pissed off at that type of banter too. It does sound flirty, sorry but it does, and it would take a VERY secure woman not to feel rattled by it. Bantering in a pub/other social occasion is one thing but text messaging is between two people so the content can be construed in a different way than if the conversation had taken place in front of six other mates.

THEN add this into the mix, totally not your fault, but you are a very attractive lady, mate. I think I would feel a bit :( and I consider myself to be very secure in my relationship.

P.S: Just to say, one of my oldest friends was single for years until the beginning of this year and I can hand on heart say that it's never been an issue for me or any of our other friends in relationships. We've even shared a b&b room with her, DH and I, and I've never worried even a tiny bit. I think that the "alarm bells! Single gal in town" thing is a bit of a red herring...

I agree with Porcamiseria, Worra and Bupcakes

I don't think you did it exactly on purpose, MamaZon but you crossed the line. Your mate is uncomfortable and really, many of us can see why. It's one thing to banter away in a group, even as a single, but the texting is another thing. Even if it's something you've done before, the rules have changed. It's not your fault, but you need to be a little bit sensitive to your mate otherwise you'll find yourself without a 'group of friends' and you need them.

Your mate's DH sounds secure in his relationship but the way you've described your flirting together, it's too far, and I think many a botched affair or at least bad feelings have developed from where you are with your mate's DH. Again, I stress, it's not your doing, although you stepped it up a gear with asking mates DH to find you a man. Why didn't you ask your mate? Surely she'd have a better idea of who/what would suit you?

I think you're a wee bit naughty and are enjoying it a bit. I think you know it and that's why you've posted your OP because you want backup that you're right. I don't think we know the lot either. It's always nice to have validation of one's attractiveness when you've had a knock-back, but for your sake, leave it there and don't step within bounds of what your mate is comfortable with otherwise you could find yourself out in the cold.

we were mid text conversation so i said i had just seen pal and that she had said he ate the entire birthday cake. He replied a short while later saying "i did it was yum. yes she said. don't think she is happy with me texting you"

I replied don't be daft.

but left it at that. I got a text this morning apologising for texting me yesterday and that if he had given me the slightest idea that he wanted anything more than friendship.

it was a bit weird. I replied saying don't be a muppet.

I promise i wasn't testing any waters. There has never been any sort of anything going on or intimated or suggested or considered or anything.

I didn't describe him. I described very vaguely the sort of guy i wanted, "Tall, decent looking, intelligent, working, funny, and likes fatties. lol"

Now whilst he may like to think he hits some of those markers i certainly wasn't describing him.

I take the point that it will appear a lot more "comfortable" than most peoples friendships. but that was how it has always been. it just didn't occur to me that that should change now i am single.

Of course it would change as you are now available. Some people will feel threatened by a single woman who ever it is.

I really don't agree with the idea of women suddenly feeling threatened by their mate simply because she has become single. If your mate is the type to have an affair with your DH/DP, then her being married/in a relationship ain't going to stop her, surely?

thats what hurt the most Bupcakes. The fact that my pal must have thought that i would be that sort of woman.