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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my friends to know i have no desire to seduce their partners just because i am single

123 replies

Mamaz0n · 01/06/2011 11:48

I am newly single.

my pals all have partners and we all socialise together. we are all good mates and I get on really well with the menfolk as well as the women.

Saturday it was pals fella's birthday. They had a prty that i attended. we had a really good time. a little inhebriated i was moaning to pals fella (we will call him bob) about being single and telling him that as my mate it was his duty to find me a suitable replacement.

When i left he text me a really lovely text saying that i was great and that i shouldn't worry, i will find my Prince charming sooner or later.

It was lovely and really cheered me up. I replied taht he too was lovely, my pal was a lucky girl and that if i could find someone who made me 1 tenth of as happy as they made each other i would be gratefull.

Pal carried on drinking after i had left and yesterday he text me asking what he had text me as he doesn't save outbox messages. He was so drunk by the end that he couldn't remember.
We had a bit of banter as i was telling him all sorts (coming on to his mil, flashing his bum to passing police etc etc all very silly but funny - you had to be there)

anyway, conversation went to finding me a man, he asked what was i looking for. I replied "tall handsome funny intelligent. ya know, the usual"
he replied "so essentially, ME"

I really did lol.

converstion carried on a bit. just usual banter. same as we would have if we had been in a room with all our other friends and his partner. gentle ribbing meant with affection iyswim.

anyway, bumped into pal and i told her we had been texting and about the "essentially me" text. I thought it was hilarious that he was such a vain git.

It seems as soon as i left her she was on teh phone to him berating him for cominhg on to me, or for making me feel that he was interested.

I am actually deeply hurt that she could think i would think that. Or that there was a possibility that i would want that.

This has never been an issue when i was with Xp. but now it seems i am single and so should be treated differently.

My behaviour hasn't changed. Bobs behaviour hasn't changed. And yet pal's reaction has.

Is this my life now? to be shunned by my couple pals for fear that i will steal their man?

OP posts:
hairfullofsnakes · 01/06/2011 23:06

People may not be possessions but there is still a line you shouldn't cross and the op crossed that with her flirty text banter! This is her friend's dh and she crossed the line.

springydaffs · 01/06/2011 23:14

"..now it seems i am single and so should be treated differently.

My behaviour hasn't changed."

Then it should! You can't do stuff like this OP, you can't begin to do stuff like this - nowhere near in fact. Welcome to the single world: where women are wary of you being around their man, and men are wary of you being around their women (in case you influence them). I kid you not. (oh and then there's the men who'll take a pop at you when wifey's back is turned, but we won't go there)

But then if you think about it, what marriage is air-tight? Not many, not really. We're all vulnerable in our relationships, and when you're single you have to tread carefully. imo and ime.

CheerfulYank · 01/06/2011 23:26

I would have an issue with it TBH, but it wouldn't matter if the woman in question was single or not. Flirty banter via text would irritate me, but I would be irritated with my DP more than with you.

forehead · 01/06/2011 23:44

I agree with those who say that you took thingd a bit too far, in fact i cant believe that you don't see anything wrong with those text. They are inappropriate whether your single or not.

forehead · 01/06/2011 23:48

you're

jasper · 02/06/2011 00:05

Don't change.
Don't be more wary.
Don't adjust your behaviour to some cockeyed standards.

Hold your head high and let the world catch up with you!

I would be delighted if my husband exchanged witty banter with any of my girlfriends, but actually it is no business of mine whatsoever to whom he texts and what

CheerfulYank · 02/06/2011 00:25

Um...I consider what my husband texts my business, and vice versa. I understand if other people don't. But say he's texting "so I think I can sneak away tonight, want to meet me at a hotel" that would damn well be my business!

FreudianSlipper · 02/06/2011 00:35

i have this problem too :(

not with all my friends but certainly some, these friendships are no longer close. i am quite capable of going out and enjoying myself in the company of others without having a man on my arm though some claim they have not invited me as i may feel left out.

but i am aware of what lines should not be crossed and i think you were bordering on this crossing. i know it should not be that way but it is

jasper · 02/06/2011 00:52

so Yank, do you check his texts and does he check yours?

jasper · 02/06/2011 00:53

I don't expect my husband to meet anyone in a hotel but I certainly don't check his phone / ask who he is texting and about what in order to see if a hotel visit is planned

CheerfulYank · 02/06/2011 02:08

No, we don't check the other person's texts in that way. We occasionally look in the other person's for info (as in "hey, check when we're supposed to get together with John and Theresa; he sent me a text". That just happened five seconds ago. :) ) But if I thought I had reason to look I'd absolutely do so.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 02/06/2011 04:34

As a very happy singleton. I enoy the cut and thrust of witty banter with my female friends' OHs but I always do it in their presence, and would not dream of extending it to something that my mates are not privy to.

I might not have your problem but I've often sometimes found that if one of my girlfriends who is in a relationship (married or otherwise) wants to come and hit the town with me, or even spend an evening in with me, it's their OH that raises objections.

Do they think that I'm so desperate to pull that I'm gonna lead their beloved down the primrose parth to a quick fuck with the nearest available male, or convert them to my way of thinking overnight?

FTR some of my exes new partners have morphed into my best girlfriends, but that maybe because they know that I don't look back and I ain't gonna shag any of my exes for old times' sake - or for any other spurious reason.

I don't do insecurity in my intimate relationships, and I'm saddened that others seem to feel threatened by that - but that's their problem, not mine.

porcamiseria · 02/06/2011 11:31

OP is NOT getting it! still going "oh poor me, and what a bitch my friend is to even dare think this of me"

I dont want to make you feel bad but I am mystified as to why you cant see that your behaviour crossed a line??? Its got fuck all to do with you being single too, a married woman could exchange inannpropriate texts too

Original poster
Mamaz0n · 02/06/2011 11:41

Thanks to those who have attempted to see my side.

For those who haven't i thank you to. You are by far teh majority and show me that clearly i was in the wrong. That wasn't my intention of course, but that is irrelivent.

I saw my friend yesterday and she was fine with me. I assume that it was more an issue with his and her relationship than me. Which i guess is a relief that she doesn't think i am stealing her man.

Rest assured i will not be texting anyone anymore.

OP posts:
porcamiseria · 02/06/2011 11:45

aww Mamazon, well taken girl!

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 02/06/2011 11:50

Threads like this remind me how glad I am that I don't socialise much with mundanes. The hideous Noah's Arkery of it - everyone's got to be in couples and anyone who isn't welded to someone else is spooky, dangerous and All Wrong.

bupcakesandcunting · 02/06/2011 13:12

Oi! I am a mundane and I don't choose my mates on their relationship status. I will be mates with anyone if I like their personality. I will only become wary of friends when they start acting like dicks, not when their relationship ends.

TakeItOnTheChins · 02/06/2011 14:37

Flirty, bantery texting is different to flirty banter in person, with the bloke's OH in the vicinity.

Can you really not see that? Perhaps that's why you're single.

TakeItOnTheChins · 02/06/2011 14:47

.... oh, and I think you're being either very naive to think that you could tell your friend about the texts and her NOT be pissed off - or that you knew she'd be (rightly) pissed off, and precisely why.

It's a bit disingenous to go all wide eyed and say "But, but I thought it was FUNNY that my friend's boyfriend basically came on to me! I had no IDEA she'd be upset!" Hmm

CheerfulYank · 02/06/2011 19:30

Oh get off it SGB .

I'm friends with plenty of single people and I don't think that they're "spooky, dangerous, or All Wrong." They just, through choice or circumstance, don't have partners. If it works for them that's fine.

I would be annoyed with my husband if he were trading flirty texts with anyone , partnered or otherwise; I wouldn't be "oh it's that single girl here to take my man." Hmm

Also I think it's highly offensive to refer to a group of people as "mundane" or anything else. You don't know each of us individually, how do you know how exciting our lives are or aren't?

OP , I'm glad you and your friend are fine. :)

MooMooFarm · 02/06/2011 19:38

I do agree with others who say you 'crossed the line'. Ok fair enough if you say you have no intention of trying to seduce your friends' partners - but the flirty texts went too far IMO. Getting personal with your flirty jokes about it being 'essentially me', etc, is more than just banter.

Honestly - would you have had that conversation face to face, with his partner standing there (or yours if you had one)? If not (and I think that would be your answer), that proves the point.

If you don't want your friends to get funny with you, don't get so flirty with their partners when you're pissed Hmm

katvond · 02/06/2011 19:40

I feel you crossed the line OP.

Hullygully · 02/06/2011 19:44

arses

if there is love and trust, all the rest is fun and flim flam that matters not

TheSecondComing · 02/06/2011 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

motherinferior · 02/06/2011 19:50

Agree with Hully. It is entirely possible my quite staid DP has sent the odd flirty text. Occasionally I receive (and return) the odd flirty email. Life needs its little consolations. Policing everyone's interchanges is far, far too wearing.