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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave my dc alone while i go out for the evening?

117 replies

heavyheartedfarted · 30/05/2011 19:30

Have 4dc,younger 2 are staying with gp for 2 nights and as a newly single parent i would love to get out these nights.
So AIBU to leave dd 11 (12 in 5 weeks) and ds 13 alone for 4/5 hours whilst i go out with friends?They are both happy for this to happen and are very sensible but you read so many stories of parents getting in trouble for similar things,would love to know what age others think this is ok.

OP posts:
MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 30/05/2011 20:20

My two eldest are 13 and almost 11 and whilst I'd leave them for a couple of hours during the day I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving them at night. However, I know they wouldn't be happy about it which probably colours my judgement somewhat.. Four or five hours does seem very like a very long time tbh.

MooMooFarm · 30/05/2011 20:22

I would be happy as long as the children concerned were sensible and mature for their age. And I would have to know they had somebody nearby they could ring with any probs. I would probably then ring every hour or maybe more to check on them.

It would also depend how late I was planning on getting home. Am thinking if you're out until ten-ish this time of year it's not even dark yet. But if it gets later than that and is dark, I would feel a bit worried about it.

Ephiny · 30/05/2011 20:25

I don't see the problem, as long as they're sensible children, and they can contact you on the phone if they have any problems, and they know what to do in case of an emergency.

Maybe give it a try, on the agreement that if they feel unhappy about being alone, they can ring you and you'll come home? Or try a shorter time to start with, say an hour or two, and see how that goes?

DontCallMePeanut · 30/05/2011 20:26

My parents used to start leaving my brother and I unattended during the evening at this age. Leave a list of numbers to call in case of an emergency. Phone once or twice throughout the evening. Leave a set of rules.

It's about how much you trust them, and if you think they can be responsible. FWIW, I started babysitting at 14; not just for family, but neighbours as well.

VforViennetta · 30/05/2011 20:29

I wouldn't only because my Dad went to the pub for an hour while my Mum was at work (I was 12) and I climbed somewhere I shouldn't and badly broke my leg Blush.

However sensible you think they are (I was a usually sensible child), they are still young children and capable of being spectacularly stupid.

Original poster
heavyheartedfarted · 30/05/2011 20:30

ok,i think some of you are right in that i may not relax as will be worrying,i have decided they can stay on their own for the first 2 hours and will then get friends dd17 to come and sit with them.They are not happy but there we go.

OP posts:
acebaby · 30/05/2011 20:31

If you get on well with the neighbor, could she look in on them once or twice? It sounds like they would be fine, but they might appreciate knowing that someone will pop in (not that they will admit it!). My parents used to leave me and my sister home alone at that age, and although we never had any dramas, I remember finding the responsibility a bit stressful.

acebaby · 30/05/2011 20:32

Sorry cross posts - sounds like a good compromise. Have a good time Smile

pinklizzie · 30/05/2011 20:34

See what I genuinely do not understand is:

  1. If you are going out with friends for 4 or 5 hours - say to a pub or restaurant - then you can afford to go out and so it follows you can afford a baby sitter for 4 or 5 hours.

  2. If you can't afford a baby sitter then ask someone to stay and look after them - give them dvds to watch and have a cooked meal ready for them.

I don't see why you would need to leave them alone at that age.

I would be genuinely interested in why you feel you have no option but to leave your children alone?

exoticfruits · 30/05/2011 20:35

To be clear i did say i would get a family friend to babysit but they were mortified that i would not trust them

I think that is quite important-to listen.
Maybe get the 17yr old around but tell them that you will start leaving them for an hour or two and work up. (only if you are really unhappy about going and leaving them-they sound fine to me)
Don't isten to the emotional doommonger's of 'you would never forgive yourself...... At 15yrs you will most definitely have to leave them. (People ought to read the present helicopter parenting thread, if they want to see what happens when you insist on babysitters for a 16yr old-or in one case an after school club!)

Original poster
heavyheartedfarted · 30/05/2011 20:37

Pink-at any point did i say i could not afford a babysitter? No i did not,this is about finding the line between overprotection,giving children responsibility and trust and expecting too much of them.

OP posts:
DontCallMePeanut · 30/05/2011 20:39

Agree with exoticfruits...

HRHMJOFMAGICJAMALAND · 30/05/2011 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pinklizzie · 30/05/2011 20:41

Ok but I don't get it - I mean I would not view a baby sitter looking after children who were 11 or 13 as being over protective, but yes I realise that other parents may have different ideas...

VeronicaCake · 30/05/2011 20:42

Pinklizzie the OP has already said she'd happily get a sitter but the children didn't want one.

I don't have any wisdom to contribute and my DD is only one so I've got a few years to ponder this but I'm not sure that the wisdom of crowds helps much with this anyway. The variation in sensibleness levels across 13 year olds is vast. Everyone will base their judgement on the perceived gormlessness of their own offspring but only you know how gormless your two are.

pinklizzie · 30/05/2011 20:45

Yes I realise that Veronica.

bebemooneedsabreak · 30/05/2011 20:45

Didn't read everything I have to admit, and when I brought it up with DH he was appalled at the idea...BUT I think it's alright--Guess DH and I will be sorting through the situation in the next 10 or so years Wink
Set clear ground rules (Go through basic first aid and fire safety. Let the neighbors know you're going out and ask them to keep half an ear out. Set up list of numbers to call in emergency. Let the kids know they're not to leave the house etc.)
Do a few trial runs if you can and see how it goes... You might find you're too nervous to stay out for 4 hours and will be calling every half hour Wink
Best of luck. xx

exoticfruits · 30/05/2011 20:46

Read helicopter parent thread
It isn't good parenting to be over protective. 11 and 13 is a bit 'iffy' which is why OP asked. There is no magic age, her 11 and 13yr old may be much more mature than someone's 14 and 16 yr old.
The fact they want to do itis the most important. Even if she doesn't-within the next 3 yrs she has to, otherwise she really is wrapping in cotton wool-she needs to be starting in a small way.

280169 · 30/05/2011 20:48

mine are 13 n 10 very sensible quiet town etc but i would not leave them, its your personal choice though.

pinklizzie · 30/05/2011 20:48

And I think that the OP would not have posted if she had not had some genuine worry about going out and leaving her children.

So while they may not want a baby sitter - it would seem that the OP might actually have a better night out if she knows that someone is around. Even if this means her children will be a bit irked, but then maybe they will be ok if she explains that she will have a better night with someone over, as I'm sure they will want their mum to have a good night out!

If she is happy with the compromise then well and good.

FabbyChic · 30/05/2011 20:49

PMSL at the poster who said they might look at sex stuff on the PC or the TV. They don't need the parent to go out to do this, most kids have PC's in their rooms or have laptops, a lot of kids too have mobile phones they can use to surf.

Personally I wouldn't leave them the first time for five hours, I'd leave them for two this time and longer next time.

Make sure they can contact you by text, if you keep in constant contact you should be fine.

TheHumanCatapult · 30/05/2011 20:49

i leave ds2 on his own he is just turned 14.But yes maybe start with a couple hrs and see how that goes say 8ish to about 10

Mumwithadragontattoo · 30/05/2011 20:52

I think as they are sensible you should go out if your next door neighbour is around and is happy for them to go to her if they need anything. I do tend to think going out for a shorter period to start with then building it up is probably the way to go also (in case they are not as sensible as you think!).

razzlebathbone · 30/05/2011 20:52

When I was 13 I used to babysit my cousins who were 6 and 2. Many 13 year olds are sensible and responsible. If you think they are then I'd say it's reasonable.

takeonboard · 30/05/2011 20:56

my DS is only 9 so I haven't even thought of leaving him home alone in the evening yet, but would fully expect to be able to - in fact I am looking forward to not having to get a babysitter by the age of 12. So yes I would say if you are confident that they are sensible and can contact you etc.

BTW I have seen this so many times on MN is it legal or illegal - whats the law exactly? I can't seem to get an answer to this, I leave my DS age 9 during the day for a hour or so - is it ilegal? Blush I should know shouldn't I ?!

Does anyone out there know???????????