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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that people should marry for love?

33 replies

darleneoconnor · 29/05/2011 21:01

I know people who've married for several reasons eg

-all their friends were doing it
-they wanted kids and felt that they should be married first
-pressure from parents
-they wanted to move in together but wouldn't without marrying
-so that parents aren't still next of kin
-they were already pregnant or had kids and wanted to 'legitimise' them
-that they felt they were getting old and if they didn't take the plunge they'd miss their chance

I'm not belittling these reasons but it does make the romantic side of me a little sad that just being overwhelmingly in love with someone else hasn't been the reason for marrying I've heard from anyone recently.

OP posts:

280169 · 29/05/2011 21:04

i recomend marrying for money :)

however i married for love 15 yrs ago, still countin

Vallhala · 29/05/2011 21:04

When you get to my age money is the only reason to marry! :o

YABU. You might like to have a romantic ideal but there is no "should" about it.
Many marriages which aren't made through love go on to be successful and happy.

Guitargirl · 29/05/2011 21:06

YABU and very naive.

BooyHoo · 29/05/2011 21:08

only if they want to.

agree with guitargirl. marriage for love is a nice idea and very romantic but there are many more practical reasons to marry.

if love was the only reason for me to marry someone, with no other practical benefit, i probably wouldn't. in fact, i didn't.

barbie007 · 29/05/2011 21:09

I'm feeling very cynical tonight and I would say that love is not at the top of the list. When you live with someone rspect, understanding, kindness and support are all much more important than love. But then again, maybe you have to have all of those to have love....I don't know.

LaWeasel · 29/05/2011 21:15

Why can't you marry for love AND other reasons?

DH and I didn't get married until after we had DD, we loved each other very much, but we specifically did not want the extra legal ties involved if we broke up until we were sure that our relationship would cope with babies etc.

After we had her, and it was clear that lack of sleep and rattiness wasn't going to wreck our relationship we talked about marriage. The things that swayed it were practical things and not "I love you and therefore want to marry you" because we were perfectly happy being in love and not married.

But a lot of other factors did matter, which is why we decided to do it.

Guitargirl · 29/05/2011 21:18

OP - and by the way how do you know that the reasons you have given were what made the couple in question get married?

GreenTeapot · 29/05/2011 21:19

After two kids and 8 years together we've just decided to get married, in 8 weeks time. MIL is terminally ill and we want her to be there with us.

We haven't done it before now because we haven't had to cash to make it the party we wanted it to be. But some things are more important.

YABU.

magicmelons · 29/05/2011 21:21

Yabu sort of we married for many reasons including love but i would have still loved my dh as much had i not married him and would have been very happy to just stay living together for ever if it had not of been better for our children, financial reasons etc.

LRDTheFeministDragon · 29/05/2011 21:23

It could be that the people you've spoken to are a little shy/worried about sounding smug.

When people asked me why I was marrying DH, I usually said something like 'oh, it's the only way to get him in bed, you know' - I did kind of assume they realize that wasn't the only reason but to be honest, I think if you know someone well enough to ask what is a somewhat intrusive question, you should know them well enough to tell if love is there or not.

InTheNightKitchen · 29/05/2011 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

said · 29/05/2011 21:28

God, if being overwhelmingly in love was the criteria for getting married, I'd be a multi-divorcee by now

LadyOfTheCuntryManor · 29/05/2011 21:29

You're no being unreasonable but you are being a little unrealistic.

I married for love FWIW.

LadyOfTheCuntryManor · 29/05/2011 21:30

and of course we're both practising Christians and it was important to us to be married before be kick-started a family. Not that that is on everyones' agenda.

piprabbit · 29/05/2011 21:31

YABU

None of your business why other people choose to get married (or not).

Vallhala · 29/05/2011 21:37

GreenTeapot, how sad. :(

I hope that you have a wonderful day and that, when the dreadful day comes, you have many happy memories of your MIL.

AMumInScotland · 29/05/2011 21:40

The idea that overwhelming romantic love is the reason for marriage is a very modern one - people have married (or cohabited) down the centuries for all kinds of reasons, many of them practical and/or financial. And there's an argument that the emphasis on romantic love actually reduces the chances of making a marriage work, as it increases the pressure to have everything "perfect" while not actually giving you the skills to deal with the day-to-day realities of staying together. Whereas if you have gradually realised that this works for you and you want to mark it as permanent (for whatever mix of reasons) you have the knowledge and maturity to have a better chance of getting throguh the bad days.

MoreBeta · 29/05/2011 21:45

darlene - I suspect many of the reasons you listed were there for a lot of people surely they sat alongside love.

Surley no one marries someone they dont love? It is after all a promise to spend the rest of your life with someone.

GreenTeapot · 29/05/2011 21:59

Thanks Val :)

Helltotheno · 29/05/2011 22:46

I picked my dh because:
a) I knew he'd always prioritise our kids
b) I'd never have to support him financially
c) He wouldn't be demanding sex five times a week

... and yeah I love him too but there are always other things to consider, love on its own ain't enough..

SockShitter · 29/05/2011 22:51

I suspect for most of these people love is why they chose the person they married even if not not the reason they got married iyswim. For some people marriage is just a piece of paper they do it for other reasons.. but they still wouldn't marry with out loving the person

Adversecamber · 29/05/2011 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EggyAllenPoe · 29/05/2011 22:54

if it was only love, you wouldn't need to get married.
Love is the foundation, not the building.

ballstoit · 29/05/2011 22:56

YABU.

I married for love...look how that turned out

I'm with Valhalla, cash would be the only thing that would get me down that aisle again!

magicmelons · 29/05/2011 22:57

Adverse if i'd of married for that reason i'd be divorced right now

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