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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that if you don't invite someone to a function, you can hardly be surprised if they dont turn up?

34 replies

BooyHoo · 29/05/2011 20:57

it was the christening of my cousin's baby yesterday. i found out on thursday evening via the following conversation;

cousin's sister: "so, christening on saturday then."
me: "whose christening Confused?"
CS: "X's little girl"
me: "oh? that's the first i've heard about it. am i invited?"
CS: "erm, i dunno Confused. i'll ask mum and find out for you. you aren't the first person in the family who knew nothing about it until i mentioned it."

so, i heard nothing else from anyone. spoke to my mum on friday evening and asked if she was aware that the baby's christening was on saturday. she said yes. i asked if i was invited, she said yes i was!!

cut to saturday and grandmother of the baby was apparently very surprised not to see me there.

really, what do people expect? is this normal invite etiquette? do people just hold a function and assume you know you are invited?

OP posts:
CoffeeIsMyFriend · 29/05/2011 20:58

no, that is crazy!

You send out invitations to those who you would like to attend. Well I do.

bonkers!

barbie007 · 29/05/2011 20:59

Odd. Maybe she thinks you're telepathic?

icooksocks · 29/05/2011 21:00

YANBU. If I dont recieve an invite I assume I'm not invitedand don't go. I don't care how I recieve the invite mind-it could be phone call, text, email, letter in the post-whatever, as long as it was from the person in question and not third hand

Original poster
BooyHoo · 29/05/2011 21:01

even an invite by text or FB would have sufficed. we aren't close family but they have my numbers and we are friends on FB. we live in the same town.

OP posts:
Youcantaffordme · 29/05/2011 21:42

Since your mother knew all about it, perhaps she was supposed to have passed it on to you. Just sounds like a mix-up to me.

redexpat · 29/05/2011 22:02

YANBU. That is crap. Especially for a Christening!

onepieceofcremeegg · 29/05/2011 22:05

That is ridiculous.

A few years ago dd1 was invited to a party of a little girls. We were friends with the whole family. (and in the past the whole family had been invited to family-type gatherings). Anyway, for this particular party dd1's name was on the invitation, no one else. So one of us took dd1 (they were still at the age i.e. preschool when one parent generally stays)

Afterwards the child's father was most surprised that the rest of the family hadn't just come along!

bringinghomethebacon · 29/05/2011 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PaperView · 29/05/2011 22:11

OP - i find it more odd that you asked if you were invited tbh. Maybe i just have an odd family where not everyone goes to every single thing. She may have then said yes you were just to avoid any confrontation?

onepieceofcremeegg · 29/05/2011 22:12

bacon in my situation it had got a bit tricky. Over the preceding year there had been one or two misunderstandings/disagreements (all quite sad) so we just accepted that they only really wanted dd1! (and in retrospect I think that the mother had intended this, but didn't spell it out to her dh) :)

Original poster
BooyHoo · 29/05/2011 22:34

nope, mum was invited by her sister (the baby's grandmother) but she wasn't told to pass the message on to me. she said she just assumed that cousin would contact me themselves. she never for a moment thought that they wouldn't get in touch themselves. she was as surprised as me to find i hadn't been contacted.

paperview the reason i asked was because of the way my cousin had said "so, christening on saturday then" as in, "i'll see you at the christening". it was her tone and then her surprise that i didn't know what she was talking about that made me ask. she thought i had been invited aswell. i could understand her being embarassed and saying "er yes of course you are invited" but then why the surprise from the GM that i wasn't there?

OP posts:
Youcantaffordme · 29/05/2011 22:58

But why didn't you go, since your mother told you on the day before that you were invited? Did you have something else arranged?

Original poster
BooyHoo · 29/05/2011 23:17

because with less than 24 hours notice i would have had to buy an outfit for myself and my dcs and buy a present for the baby. considering the lack of effort put into their invitation, i thought the amount of effort and expense i would have had to go to was disproportionate. if they had really wanted me there they would have made sure i knew i was invited. if it was indeed a misunderstanding and they expected someone to get the message to me then they were lazy.

OP posts:
Youcantaffordme · 29/05/2011 23:57

New outfits for the whole family for a christening? Shock Not in my world. Surely you have something decent in your wardrobe.

The present could be dealt with later, the baby's too young to know any different.

Maybe it was lazy, but I'm sure they expected your mother to pass on the invitation. Or perhaps the message went astray: I find "real" emails in the spam bin sometimes, for instance.

Original poster
BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 00:10

we dont go to church, we really dont have anything suitable for a christening. and even if we didn't have to buy clothes, a present would still be expected. i understand that the christening isn't about presents but it really wouldn't have done to turn up without a gift.

i just dont get how they expected people to know they were invited. i mean clearly people can't be depended upon to pass on invitations so you run the risk of people you want there not even knowing it is happening. if i was having a party or celebration i would invite the people i wanted there either in person or by phone/written invitation. i would never dream of hoping people would get the message and expect them to buy gifts and possibly outfits aswell. the whole thing just has me a bit Confused. is it really not normal to properly invite people anymore?

OP posts:
Youcantaffordme · 30/05/2011 01:16

It was probably a mix-up or an oversight.

Or if you prefer, perhaps the parents didn't want you there, and that's why you weren't invited. Are you always this whiny?

Original poster
BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 01:22

i haven't whined Hmm

we use AIBU to vent do we not?

OP posts:
Youcantaffordme · 30/05/2011 01:37

It's not as though you didn't find out about it till after the event. You could have gone, you were told that you were invited, but you chose not to go. Your excuses are feeble: you do not need special clothes to go to church, it's not like a wedding. You could have arranged to give a present later or just given the parents some money to buy Premium Bonds for the baby. And yes, you are whining.

Original poster
BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 01:49

so you think i should have turned up at a christening with lots of other really well dressed people in my jeans and the dcs in t-shirts and trainers? really? i doubt, given 24 hours notice you would feel comfortable rocking up to church as you suggest. my excuses aren't feeble. the expense and effort involved in me attending the christening would have hugely outweighed the effort put into my 'invite'. i wasn't prepared to spend saturday morning running round liek a blue arsed fly in an attempt make someone else feel popular when they couldn't be bothered to let me know with decent notice that i was invited. and no i am not whining. AIBU is MN's venting facility. i'm using it for it's intended purpose. are you saying people cant vent here anymore?

OP posts:
5DollarShake · 30/05/2011 02:16

:confused:

No, it's not normal to not properly invite people. Why are you jumping to the conclusion that it's now normal behaviour?

One person you know dicked up their invitations - either intentionally, as an oversight, or there was a mix-up. I don't get the big deal, or why you're asking if it's now normal...

Have a vent by all means. But just accept it for what it is - a one-off cock-up.

Original poster
BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 02:21

because i haven't been to a christening in a long time. the fact that a few posters seemed to think it was a misunderstanding suggested that they have recieved invitations via word of mouth rather than the person actually inviting you. that is why i was asking. i wasn't jumping to the conclusion. i was asking. Smile

OP posts:
rosie0000 · 30/05/2011 06:57

YANBU. If I'd been in your situation, I'd have felt uncomfortable turning up without an invite from the parents. I wouldn't have wanted to phone and ask them the day before as it wouldn't be particularly pleasant if the answer was no.

And yes, a bit annoying to then hear some aged relative surprised you weren't there.

StealthPolarBear · 30/05/2011 07:07

YANBU OP!!

diddl · 30/05/2011 07:19

Well tbh, OP, it sounds to me as if you weren´t invited-no matter what the GM thought.

Werenother cousins invited?

Youcantaffordme · 30/05/2011 07:49

so you think i should have turned up at a christening with lots of other really well dressed people in my jeans and the dcs in t-shirts and trainers? really?

I doubt if anyone would have cared about the children wearing casual clothes as long as they were clean and not scruffy. But if that is really all that you and your family possess in the way of clothing, then it sounds as if you don't get invited out much. Most people have something reasonably smart in their wardrobe, even if it's just one decent skirt or trousers and top.