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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not to tell DS1 that marriage is between a man and a woman only?

81 replies

ttalloo · 29/05/2011 19:45

We were in the park today and saw a bride and groom having photos taken; he asked why she was wearing a big white dress, and I explained that she had got married to someone that she loves very much, and said that maybe when he grows up he'll do the same. He thought for a minute and said he would marry his best friend (a boy) and me .

At that point it dawned on me that I hadn't said that DS1 might marry a girl he loves very much, and that actually, it would be better not to - because I don't have a problem with same-sex marriage, and I would far rather that he grows up thinking that this is as normal as the other sort, and even that I don't much care who he marries (male or female) when he grows up, as long as they are nice and he is happy.

DH is appalled by this, and thinks I'm wrong even to consider telling DS1 (he's four) anything about homosexuality. It's not that I plan to sit him down and give him a lecture, but if it comes up (for example, there's a little girl at swimming who has two mummies, so it might well do) I don't see why I should mumble an answer, change the subject, or say something, frankly, that I don't believe in so that DS1 grows up thinking it's wrong.

So AIBU?

OP posts:

onlion · 29/05/2011 19:47

Nah, my 6 year old was the one who told me men can marry men so yanbu

PercyPigPie · 29/05/2011 19:49

I did the same as you.

ThatllDoPig · 29/05/2011 19:49

UANBU
It is a fact of life, why attempt to hide it? Nothing wrong with it. What is your DH's reasons for being appalled?

mosschops30 · 29/05/2011 19:50

My dh id also horrified that i tell ds1 that its fine for men to kiss men, and women to kiss women etc etc.
YANBU they should learn from an early age that a healthy relationship is between two people who love and respect each other regardless of their sex

Mollydollydoll · 29/05/2011 19:50

He's way too young to be told about same sex marriages leave it til he's older OP.

Hassled · 29/05/2011 19:50

Of course you're not BU.
I have a gay brother with a long-term partner, so for my DCs it's just always been part of life. They've never really questioned it much - I do remember telling DS2 that being gay was like being right or left handed, just the way you were born, which he accepted.

MrsGravy · 29/05/2011 19:51

No, YANBU. My kids (aged 6 and 4) have asked if girls can marry girls and boys can marry boys. I told them they could! It's the truth, they can. The questions didn't go any further than that. They looked a bit surprised and queried it (presumably because we only know one gay couple) so I said that mostly girls marry boys/boys marry girls but sometimes people marry their own sex. That was that. No need for a big discussion about homosexuality when they haven't even had a big discussion about heterosexuality yet!

FunnysInTheGarden · 29/05/2011 19:52

I would have no problem telling DS1 that men could marry men. Your DH is being rather precious.

I have a policy of telling DS1 the truth if he asks a question. I don't understand what you DH thinks would be gained by not being honest

Tee2072 · 29/05/2011 19:52

Why Molly?

CarryOnUpTheAIBU · 29/05/2011 19:52

Why is your DH being a twat uncomfortable with it?

I've heard great things about this book - maybe you could get it for your DH DS?

Goblinchild · 29/05/2011 19:52

Sounds reasonable to me, you marry the person you love more than anyone else. I think you do need to talk calmly with your DH though, until his brain kicks in over his panic response.

scottishmummy · 29/05/2011 19:52

we regularly see my pals dd,she has 2 mums and they are cp
my male pal and his boyfriend pop by
so my dc know about same sex marriage

millie30 · 29/05/2011 19:53

YANBU. Your DH is, though.

saffy85 · 29/05/2011 19:54

YANBU. You marry a person you love, whether it's a male/female male/male or female/female.

I wouldn't have a sit down conversation at this age but if the subject crops up I think it's important to answer questions as honestly as possibly. Same with talking about sex. Best to learn actual facts rather than crap off other people who may be talking out their arse.

Mollydollydoll · 29/05/2011 19:54

I don't know why. I'm not against it my DP sister is gay. But it's a subject that's never come up with my DD but looking at this thread now I think I would tell her the truth. She knows about sex etc and where she comes from.

Original poster

ttalloo · 29/05/2011 19:56

DH thinks that homosexuality is something that they don't need to know about until they are much, much older - probably around 87. I wouldn't go as far as calling him homophobic, but he seems really uncomfortable with the idea of homosexuality - probably because he doesn't know anyone gay - and doesn't want the children to learn things that they won't understand. Or that might put ideas into their head.

But I think that keeping them in the dark about this will just breed ignorance and hatred - and given that they are going to a Catholic primary school where I'm fairly certain they'll hear enough of the opposing point of view, I think that I should give them a head start on mine.

OP posts:

bluebobbin · 29/05/2011 19:56

I tell my kids that you get married when you are a grown up and at that point you can marry anyone you want. They are 5 and 3.

drivingmisscrazy · 29/05/2011 19:57

not at all - he asked and you told him the truth...the more people who approach same-sex relationships this way, the better for everyone (me and DP are cp-ed, have one dd, expecting dc 2 in December). I probably wouldn't make a point of it, but would deal with it as it arose.

DD is 2 and a bit, and is starting to recognise that not all families have 2 mums (or 3 parents, as she does)

Dilligaf81 · 29/05/2011 19:57

My DD1 teacher has just married his longterm boyfriend and we said the same as you, you marry who you fall in love with and never mentioned the sex of that person.
The next issue we've comeup against is babies as I told them that a mum and dad have a 'special' cuddle etc but I over heard DD1 DD2 and DS1 talking. DD2 said she would marry her best friend (a girl) DD1 said well you wont be able to have any babies to which DD2 said Ill marry a boy 1st have a baby then marry her best friend. She's only 3 and Im already worrying that she's going to use some poor bloke for his 'seed'

TiggyD · 29/05/2011 19:59

YANBU of course. The sooner they learn, and the more casual way they learn, the better.

scottishmummy · 29/05/2011 20:00

just introduce concepts as they come up,dont wait on right age

noid · 29/05/2011 20:03

By the time DS1 was for he'd already been to two civil partnerships, and we'd been to another two no-kids ones. I think DS1 may be of the opinion that ladies mainly marry ladies :)

fairydoll · 29/05/2011 20:03

can same sex marry? I thought they could only have a civil partnership which is slightly different? I am prepared to be corrected though.

gapants · 29/05/2011 20:04

YANBU, but your Dh is, sounds likes he needs to get educated!

I think if a curious pre-schooler asks "why" (why has the little girl got 2 mummies) or to any question, then there is a parental responsibility to give a honest age appropriate answer. mollydollydoll what would you say to a 4 year old that saw to men holding hands or kissing in the street/park/train etc? I am not getting at you, just curious

niminypiminy · 29/05/2011 20:04

My two sons (aged 7 and 4) know that their aunt and her partner love each other the way I and their father do, and that men can love each other like this too.

I think it's fairly certain that kids are exposed very young to homophobia in the playground 'gay' is a routine insult so it's important to counter that with positive stuff at home, because homophobic attitudes are all around us and not that far under the surface. My brother in law, for example, told me 'as a matter of fact' that all lesbians were either butch or femme. Clearly he doesn't know any (or know that he knows any) lesbians.

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