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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to tell DS1 that marriage is between a man and a woman only?

81 replies

ttalloo · 29/05/2011 19:45

We were in the park today and saw a bride and groom having photos taken; he asked why she was wearing a big white dress, and I explained that she had got married to someone that she loves very much, and said that maybe when he grows up he'll do the same. He thought for a minute and said he would marry his best friend (a boy) and me Smile.

At that point it dawned on me that I hadn't said that DS1 might marry a girl he loves very much, and that actually, it would be better not to - because I don't have a problem with same-sex marriage, and I would far rather that he grows up thinking that this is as normal as the other sort, and even that I don't much care who he marries (male or female) when he grows up, as long as they are nice and he is happy.

DH is appalled by this, and thinks I'm wrong even to consider telling DS1 (he's four) anything about homosexuality. It's not that I plan to sit him down and give him a lecture, but if it comes up (for example, there's a little girl at swimming who has two mummies, so it might well do) I don't see why I should mumble an answer, change the subject, or say something, frankly, that I don't believe in so that DS1 grows up thinking it's wrong.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
FunnysInTheGarden · 29/05/2011 20:05

exactly sm tis what I do. If a question arises answer it honestly

Original poster
ttalloo · 29/05/2011 20:07

fairydoll, you are right, same-sex couples enter a civil partnership rather than get married, but the principle's the same as far as I'm concerned. And it's just semantics when explaining it to a four-year-old!

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 29/05/2011 20:08

You need to get your DH to understand that you're talking about love and relationships, not "homosexuality" - 4yos don't think about it in terms of sex, just who you want to spend your life with. Until they get to an age when you are talking to them about sex for pleasure (which is usually rather later than where babies come from), you aren't introducing any thoughts about the physical side of it, beyond maybe kissing. It's just that you love someone and want to be with them as much as possible, and they don't automatically assume that ought to be the other gender, as you've seen.

FunnysInTheGarden · 29/05/2011 20:09

OP, LOLing at the notion that knowing about homosexuality will put ideas in the DC's heads. Homosexuality isn't a lifestyle choice, just as hetrosexuality isn't

Original poster
ttalloo · 29/05/2011 20:13

Thanks, amuminscotland - that's exactly what I was trying to explain to DH, but I didn't get very far because he just assumed I was on the verge of telling DS1 he could stick his willy up another boy's bottom when he grows up. Really. When I can't even bring myself to explain the specifics of how he and his brother were conceived!

It is about love, and acceptance, and tolerance - I don't want my boys to bandy the word 'gay' about as an insult at best, and be homophobic at worst, and if they do turn out to be gay themselves, the last thing I want is for them to think that their own parents won't love and accept them as they are.

OP posts:
springbokscantjump · 29/05/2011 20:14

I'm always amazed by people who say all shocked but it might give them ideas! How all of a sudden being gay is a choice but being straight isn't.

I would prefer for my ds to know that whatever he is he can have a normal life and that it doesn't matter what people's sexual orientation is but more how they treat each other.

springbokscantjump · 29/05/2011 20:15

Oops x-post with FunnysInTheGarden :)

Original poster
ttalloo · 29/05/2011 20:15

I know, it's bonkers, isn't it, funnysinthegarden - but DH is convinced it's nurture not nature that determines whether you're interested in boys or girls.

OP posts:
BooyHoo · 29/05/2011 20:17

how on earth can someone be too young to learn about same sex relationships????

i assume you dont think they are too young to learn about heterosexual relationships. why make a differentiation between the two if you really dont have a problem with it?

chipmonkey · 29/05/2011 20:17

drivingmisscrazy congratulations!!!GrinGrinGrin

BsshBossh · 29/05/2011 20:20

YANBU. I would be happy to tell DD that she may marry anyone she wishes. I know as many married gay couples as straight, actually (civil partnership) so I don't think twice about it.

Your DH needs to move into the 21st century.

BsshBossh · 29/05/2011 20:23

I also would be happy for my DD (2.11) to one day tell me she's gay. Nurture, nature, who cares!

smartyparts · 29/05/2011 20:23

YANBU - your dh is though, very

Tambern · 29/05/2011 20:26

Yay by the way for mollydollydoll. It's not often someone says 'I thought this, but having read some other opinions, think I might be wrong in my approach.

Op you were right. Much more mature and sensible to tell them the truth which is that yes you can, and there is nothing wrong with it. It's nice you didn't make it into a big thing (which would only confuse children) just said it as a fact of life. Your DH sounds quite homophobic though

drivingmisscrazy · 29/05/2011 20:28

chipmonkey thanks a million!

FunnysInTheGarden · 29/05/2011 20:34

ttalloo bonkers indeed, and now you have to convince your DH.......Besides which would it be very bad if your DS was gay?

heliumballoons · 29/05/2011 20:37

YANBU. My DS, 6yo, knows boys can marry boys and girls girls etc. I have also told him now its called civil partnership although I don't he understands what CP and marraige actually are iyswim?

My friend is a lesbian and had a CP and DS has never questioned it - they have 2 DC's and DS just says were going to x and Y's house to play with a and b.

My friend however seems to have the same attitude as your DH which stems from her DH's thinking it would appear. She is from the camp that if you talk about it it may make it happen. Hmm

Her DC's actually laugh and comment when they see 2 men or woman together. At supermarket today in car park there were 2 girls holding hands and her dc's pointed it out in a really urg what they doing way and DS looked up and replied 'holding hands they're probably girlfriends' (I love my boy at times) Grin

I actually believe the more fuss you make about something the more children notice and talk about it iyswim?

Mollydollydoll · 29/05/2011 20:43

Gapants I would say they are in love and in a relationship like mommy and daddy.

gapants · 29/05/2011 20:46

Ahh, that is a nice response. mollydollydoll

CarryOnUpTheAIBU · 29/05/2011 20:52

Have to say, as a married straight woman I REALLY object to the fact that in law same sex couples are only allowed to have a civil partnership and not a wedding/marriage. But that is a whoooole other thread.

MistressFrankly · 29/05/2011 20:53

I think the common mistake is to think that if you talk about CP or gay relationships you then have to explain to your kids about homosexual sex and people get uncomfortable. Kids dont think like that, adults do. Explaining about marrying whoever you fall in love with is adequate until they have questions whether the couple is same or different sex.

I never asked any more about it when i was introduced to my mums male bestfriends BF when i was a four year old. I remember thinking he has shiny shoes i like him not oh two men in love? But how do they have sex?
YANBU but poor old DH needs to open his eyes to the world a bit Grin

RedHotPokers · 29/05/2011 20:59

OP YANBU - your DH is.
FWIW my DS wants to marry his sister and me!

I do think its very sad when fathers try to lump prejudice onto their sons.
I am more than happy for DS to have dolls, wear his sisters dress up heels, and wear her hairclips if he wants. Why wouldn't I be? He is only TWO fgs. My BIL and FIL think this is really weird and I'm sure they think it will 'turn him gay' Hmm, but luckily DH is more chilled out.

It is ridiculous to suggest that telling a small child that two people who love each other, men or women, can be together and marry, can be anything other than a good thing.

Although I may have to break it to DS at some point that he can't marry DD or me!!!

Crikeyblimey · 29/05/2011 21:32

Reedhotpokers - I wouldn't bother. By the time he is 8 you and his sister will be the LAST people on earth he'll want to marry! :)

I think the concept of talking about / seeing same sex relationships will "turn children gay" is the height of ridiculousness as, if it was the case it would work vice versa and the only gay people would be the offspirng of gay parents. Bonkers attitude. We have a book bynthe woman who wrote "mummy laid an egg" that I can't recall now and in it, amongst many other things, it mentions that some men love other men and some women love other women. All very "ordinary" stuff within a story. Ds just accepts that this is the case now (and hopefully always will).

LaundryFairy · 29/05/2011 21:49

YANBU. AMumInScotland - I really agree with your explanation.

At the age of 4, DS was ringbearer at his favorite Aunt's lesbian wedding (and it was a 'marriage' - in Canada it is legal). It wasn't until he reached the age of 8 that we had to give more explations of the physical aspects of their relationship (DS: 'they won't be able to have children, will they, because they are two women?' Me: 'Yes they can, but they would need a little help....'). Even then, DS' question wasn't about sex, more about the practicalities of the whole thing.

Just make sure they accept all loving partnerships - gay, straight, married, unmarried.

AnnieLobeseder · 29/05/2011 21:57

My friend's ex-H is transgender and now a women. DD1 (5yo) is in Sunday school with their DD, and asked me about why X has two mummies. I explained that sometimes children have two mummies, but when I told my friend about this, she said that doesn't sit right with her as her ex isn't X's mum, but her dad, and it gives the incorrect impression that she's lesbian.

So I explained to DD1 that sometimes a man or women decide that they don't want to be a man or a women any more and change to the other gender, and that X's other mum is actually her dad that changed into a women. She accepted with with an "oh, ok", and ran off to play.

DD1 has also asked if she can marry her best friend. I told her that usually it's men and women who marry, but women can marry women too, so if she still wants to marry her best friend when she grows up, she can.

Best to be upfront with kids about these things and answer questions as they come up.

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