My sisters wedding - feeling rather upset about the whole thing AIBU?

[lavenderbongo]

So just over 2 years ago we emigrated to the other side of the world. A 26 hour flight away. I was obviously aware that this would mean that I would miss out on extended family gatherings and accepted that. Now last night my sister got married. We had been invited but, there are four of us and we couldn't afford the flights/time of work and so told my sis that we couldn't go.
For the past few weeks I have been strongly suggesting that my Dad and my brother organise something so that we could watch the wedding, or at least the reception via Skype. I explained all the ways this could be done and we even brought my Dad an Ipod so that we could skype over that if the laptop couldn't be used.
Anyway the previous night my Dad said if we kept the laptop on and next to the bed and set the alarm for 2am in the morning (my time) he would skype us and let us see my sis walk down the aisle. (the wedding was in a registry office so did have wireless - he even got the access codes).
So 2am this morning the alarm goes off and I check the laptop. None of the family is on. Affter half an hour I try ringing mobiles to check everything is ok - but no one answers. I wait almost an hour and no one appears so eventually i go back to sleep. Wake up this morning (should be the time of the reception) and still not one in on skype. Not even any pics on facebook.
By this time I am a bit upset (alright balling my eyes out). I thought someone at least would have put a few pics on facebook.
Eventually, late this morning my cousin has put some pics of her kids at the wedding on facebook. Clearly posted whilst she is at the reception. If she can do it why can't any of my own family?
I just feel rather left out and forgotten. I know I made the decision to move over here - but surely someone could have taken some pictures of my sis and stuck them on facebook. Why tell me to set the alarm for 2am if no one was going to attempt to contact me? AIBU to be rather upset?

Reading all these posts just makes me realise how we are all so different. The attitude in our family would never be "You moved, so it's your problem". I really can't believe what I'm reading.

YANBU - if they'd said they would skype, then they should have, or given you an excuse. I wouldnt tell them you were annoyed though.

I don't get why people would advise the OP not to tell her family how she is feeling at having been let down.

Surely she should be able to be open about her hurt feelings?

I think it would be quite weird to not at the very least comment on the fact that the Skype didn't happen.

Could you not afford for just you to go?

YANBU to be upset tbh. They said they would do something and then didn't.

Wow - this has really polarised people. Just to answer a few questions. No I have not told any of my family the way I feel and I don't intend to. I am letting off steam on MN. I will pretend it didn't upset me as I don't want to put a dampener on my sisters wedding.
Skype does work on an Ipod Touch. I have one myself and have skyped my family on it.
No we couldn't afford for just me to go otherwise I would have been there.
LilytheMinx - yes it is really interesting reading people different viewpoints - not much empathy from some people. But I did post in AIBU so i did expect all different types of response, and to be honest it has reminded me that I am not always the centre of attention!

you didn't answer my question about what your sister's views were on skyping during her wedding ceremony.

Or did you not ask her?

I feel for you OP, as I also live on the other side of the world from my family.

Some of the posts have been tough on you. I've been away for more than 10 years now and I can say - it's not that they don't love you. I am sure they do. It's just that it's hard to include someone so far away in the actual events of the day timing wise. The day has a momentum of its own and it doesn't necessarily match with your schedule.

That sounds tough, but what I mean is - they all get a bit carried away on the day. I bet at various points in the day, they were thinking of you and feeling sad you couldn't be there. Family occasions are always a bit bittersweet when one person is so far away.

I bet soon you will speak with your sister and feel much better.

supercal - sorry.

Yes I did ask her - she was in on all the discussions as shes living with my parents at the moment.

Thanks microserf - that was a lovely post - and I think you are probably right.

I can understand you being disappointed. But it doesn't sound as if your dad is very up on new technology if you had to explain how to do it. I'm not either. He may have thought that he had set up the skype and not realised that he hadn't. If he did, your family may be wondering why you haven't contacted them/posted anything about the wedding.

I'm not saying this is the case, but I don't think you should assume that they just couldn't be bothered without talking to them.

'but we are not uncontactable and I make every effort to stay in touch. Very often though, as others have said, it is not recipricated, and that hurts.'

that's how it goes, lavender. you'll come to learn that in time, i think. it's how it almost always goes. i've lived 'abroad' for 9 years now.

unless you've been deported, it is always a choice.

actions have consequences, some of which you don't realise until some time has passed, some of which surprisingly come out in time, new consequences you never thought of.

also you two will have to come to terms with only part of the family being able to go at one time at certain times. again, that's how it goes.

yabu.

I think it's nice your Dad agreed to try, but I would guess he got flustered and as father of the bride it was more important for him to take part in the wedding than film it. Pity you got your hopes up and were upset but I think it's too soon to be offended that people haven't posted photos on FB yet. They will be shown around soon enough

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I'm amazed (after being at several overseas weddings) that someone didn't offer to hold a phone up so you could hear the vows. Not nec your dad or brother but a mate or cousin or something. I've been at weddings were far more has been organized. I'm also amazed that your sis didn't even manage to speak to you, even for 30 secs. I wonder what happened in the absent friends bit of the speeches.

This trend for pointing our your 'choice' seems to be psycho babble at its worst. You didn't abandon every one, you merely moved countries. Your family is still your family. Asking a technofool to work skype could have been a bit much but a mobile call wouldn't have been.

Hopefully they took a video that you can watch...
xx

I don't think YABU. Your dad made a commitment to do something and he should have stuck by his side of the bargain, or at least given you a call after the ceremony to explain what the hitch was (and perhaps draft in your younger brother to email or text a few photos to you - it only takes a second after all, and he had no other responsibilities).

I do think you're doing the right thing by not getting angry though. Wait til they call as there may well be an explanation or apology in the offing, and no point ending the wedding on a sour note.

I feel for you lavender, I really do. Your sister getting married is a big deal. That sucks!

YANBU my dear - I can see how that would make you feel. You are already 'isolated' from every day family stuff, and that was a big thing where family comes together.
Speak to your sister and let her know that you love her and are very sorry to have missed her big day; maybe she feels the same about you not being there (bet she does).

I guess my tuppence worth would be that I would have been there come hell or high water. I'd have asked someone for a loan of money, or done it on a credit card, or saved like buggery if I'd known it was coming up.
I guess I always say to myself that it's one life, these things (big birthdays, funerals, weddings etc) only happen once. They aren't going to happen again in your life, so don't miss them.

My cousin is an expat and didn't come to my nan's funeral last year. It still grates with the family here - mainly because she lived with her when she was younger and never made the effort when she was alive - yet got a eulogy read at her funeral. We all would have liked to have said and done something at her funeral, but we had to sit and watch as her eulogy was read - written by someone who hadn't even bothered to send her a birthday card, or bother to see her when she was in the country.

Speakto them and find out what happened. As I said it may be that your dad thought he had set up the sype and you could see it. I could imagine doing this kind of thing.

Agree with expatinscotland.

'This trend for pointing our your 'choice' seems to be psycho babble at its worst.'

Maybe the dad and everyone else got pissed and couldn't work out Skype. Or their batteries ran down. Any number of reasons.

It's not 'psychobabbble'. When you move, day-to-day life goes on. And yes, the mover is usually the one who makes the most effort to stay in touch. You don't 'merely' move countries. You and your children become assimilated in an entirely different culture. Or, in some cases, your children are born in that country and they are half-British/American/Kiwi/Aussie, etc. but many identify themselves as what they are: natives of the country where they were born and brought up.

You have to live that life every day, and it's very different from the one you left behind, especially when it's 26 hours away and you don't get to visit often.

Getting stroppy and throwing the teddy out the pram because no one held up a fucking phone during vows is ridiculous.

Sorry, lavender, you can't have the best of everything. You chose to move, you chose to accept this sort of thing happening

I don't think you do actually make a 'choice' to accept these things.

I left the UK 5 yrs ago. In that time I have missed SO much, yes, I made the choice to leave, but I did that because my family promised to keep in touch, phone/email, send little parcels, letters etc & visit. I accepted that & that was enough for me at the time.

I have had not one call/text from any of them, not one letter/card on birthday. Not one new baby card when I had dd2. I get less than an email a yr, between 1 brother & 4 sisters. Not one visit (and yes, they can afford it).

I didn't even think about the special birthdays I'd miss, the possible weddings, the babies etc. I was too caught up in the move & the excitement I felt. But when my god daughter lost her baby at 23 weeks, the shock of the distance, the helplessness hit me like a rock in the stomach.

She went on to have a healthy 2nd pregnancy, she has turned 21, my niece has turned 18, my you younger sisters have had 4 babies between them.

It can hit you like a rock when you aren't included, even in the simplest of ways. I sent a poem to my sister to read at my nieces 18 on my behalf. She didn't read it. She said she lost it, niece said her mother just gave it to her. .

It doesn't help when they leave you out. In this day & age there is NO reason to miss a wedding. There are lots of ways that it can be made possible. If people want to make the effort.

And that is what it comes down to, people making the effort. And when they don't, you can't help but feel out of sight, out of mind.

'In that time I have missed SO much, yes, I made the choice to leave, but I did that because my family promised to keep in touch, phone/email, send little parcels, letters etc & visit.'

YOU are the one who chose to move at the end of the day, the fallout from that is your responsibility. To do so on the premise that other people are going to 'include' you how you see fit (maybe you moved somewhere they don't want to visit, and they'd prefer to holiday in other places or even at home) was foolish in the extreme.

I've been here nearly 10 years. My sister has never once visited us. Her kids are grown and a teen, she can afford it and she has 10 weeks off at summer.

But she doesn't like to travel outside my native country. I knew that when I moved here. If I got my arse out of kilter for that, that's my lookout, not hers.

My father is no longer able to travel here. We have to go to them. That means we have to split up to do that as DH can't get off work in summer but that's when the kids are out of school.

Again, my lookout.

My children may chose to relocate there for good and I may or may not be able to follow them and therefore miss events, grandchildren, etc. Again, my lookout.

This is what happens when you see past the excitement of a big move like this.

Life goes on where you left. Without you.

I wouldn't expect Skype from my family as only a couple of us use it and then via portable computers with webcams that I wouldn't want to faff on with during a wedding. I wouldn't want anyone else putting wedding photos of me on facebook either.
On the other hand they should never have said they would Skype you (although I wonder if you were overly pushy about this and it seemed easier to say yes and not do it than to just say no), and they could easily have sent you a text with a photo from a mobile phone. If one of my sibs was abroad for a family do I'd text them, the photos on my phone are crap though but I'd try and email them a decent one the next day.

They probably got drunk.

Or the venue didn't have WiFi.

Or someone dropped the phone/laptop/netbook.

Lots of different reasons, especially at an event like a wedding.

Sometimes, too, a sibling can harbour a lot of resentment over the other one's moving. I totally understand. I'd not have done it, looking back, but it seemed right at the time. They can feel abandonded or like you're lumping them iwth all the care arrangements and stress when the parents get old. I totally get that! Now. I didn't at the time.

But well, the rearview mirror is 20/20.

YABU to expect people to skype the wedding, what a PITA that would have been.
YANBU to want to see some photos though.

YABVVVVU to complain about not being able to attend events like this because YOU moved halfway across the world. Could you not have gone on your own?

My dad moans that he misses so much of DS but well, sorry but I tell him at the end of the day he CHOSE to move back to Spain!!

YANBU.

A wedding is a family day - I think with a little effort they could have included you.

I guess they just got caught up in the day. Hope you see some nice pics soon.

Actually, thinking on it, I think a lot of families can harbour a huge amount of resentment about such a move.