My sisters wedding - feeling rather upset about the whole thing AIBU?

[lavenderbongo]

So just over 2 years ago we emigrated to the other side of the world. A 26 hour flight away. I was obviously aware that this would mean that I would miss out on extended family gatherings and accepted that. Now last night my sister got married. We had been invited but, there are four of us and we couldn't afford the flights/time of work and so told my sis that we couldn't go.
For the past few weeks I have been strongly suggesting that my Dad and my brother organise something so that we could watch the wedding, or at least the reception via Skype. I explained all the ways this could be done and we even brought my Dad an Ipod so that we could skype over that if the laptop couldn't be used.
Anyway the previous night my Dad said if we kept the laptop on and next to the bed and set the alarm for 2am in the morning (my time) he would skype us and let us see my sis walk down the aisle. (the wedding was in a registry office so did have wireless - he even got the access codes).
So 2am this morning the alarm goes off and I check the laptop. None of the family is on. Affter half an hour I try ringing mobiles to check everything is ok - but no one answers. I wait almost an hour and no one appears so eventually i go back to sleep. Wake up this morning (should be the time of the reception) and still not one in on skype. Not even any pics on facebook.
By this time I am a bit upset (alright balling my eyes out). I thought someone at least would have put a few pics on facebook.
Eventually, late this morning my cousin has put some pics of her kids at the wedding on facebook. Clearly posted whilst she is at the reception. If she can do it why can't any of my own family?
I just feel rather left out and forgotten. I know I made the decision to move over here - but surely someone could have taken some pictures of my sis and stuck them on facebook. Why tell me to set the alarm for 2am if no one was going to attempt to contact me? AIBU to be rather upset?

[gingergaskell]

Oh just realised something Lavender, interesting in much the same situation you had; where my sister couldn't attend my {OS} wedding, it was still somehow down to me as the expat, even though I was the bride, {and obviously had a lot on that day!} to ring my sister who couldn't come. I hadn't even thought until now that perhaps she might have made some sort of effort to be the one to contact me to wish me all the best, since she couldn't make it!

As the expat, it just does go with the territory that it's expected that you are the one to keep the contact / make amends for not being there, since you are the one who chose to leave.
I think that comes down to being removed from everyone else's day to day lives, they are not really aware of what you are experiencing, having not had that experience themselves to refer to, and their lives going on as it did before you left, as I mentioned before.

[Silver1]

OP I can't help but wonder whether all things being more equal and you being less tired, you might have seen that it was a BIG ask to get everyone to accommodate you, timings on a tight schedule-the registrar might even have said no mobile devices on... .
Are you upset because it is an opportunity where you can see clearly what you are missing by moving away?

[MonstaMunch]

They agreed to involve you with Skype. They then let you down. Didn't send a message to explain - 'Wifi's broken' or something. And with facebook & mobile phones, there are plenty of opportunities to snap some pics and upload them. It only takes a minute. I'd be really upset too if it was me in that situation.

I disagree, the day wasnt about OP, it was her sisters big day. They would have been thinking have the flowers turned up, why is the bridesmaid vomiting down her dress, is my hair all in place, are their enough meals prepared for the reception etc they wouldnt be thinking oh its 2am in Australia we better faff about on our mobile phones uploading pics and miss enjoying the ceremony.

[gingergaskell]

You poor thing Lavender, hard not to feel so upset / left out at 2 am in the morning like that.

As you've since said, glad having the chance to vent here has helped you process what has happened, and realise that your family wouldn't leave you out to spite you etc.
Doesn't mean you can't be sad or hurt about it though.
My sister couldn't come to my wedding either, but I did give her a call on the day, I don't think some form of contact is a lot to ask.
Hope you get the chance to have a really nice chat with your sister soon, to hear all about it and let her know how much you missed being there and how happy you are for her.

As someone else already said, as the expat your life changes, but for those at 'home' it doesn't, things go on the way they were before without you. It's not that you aren't remembered or loved, just realistically you aren't in the daily fabric of their life anymore, for them to be in tune with your needs as much.

I sometimes get upset when family miss important {to me} things too, it's hard not to at those sort of times. The key is to remind myself that my family DO genuinely really care about me, that's the important part, more so than how it does {or doesn't!} get shown at times. :)

[Terraviva]

YANBU

Yes you chose to move to another country, but that doesn't mean you should be punished for it. Your sister's wedding is a Big Deal in life. You were upset to be missing it. They agreed to involve you with Skype. They then let you down. Didn't send a message to explain - 'Wifi's broken' or something. And with facebook & mobile phones, there are plenty of opportunities to snap some pics and upload them. It only takes a minute. I'd be really upset too if it was me in that situation.

But, sad to say it's one of those pains you can't do anything about. No point making a fuss now. Ask what happened about Skype, say you were sad to miss her 'big moment' but that you're really looking forward to hearing all about the day and seeing the photos when she's back from honeymoon.

[nochy]

I've been an expat most of my life. HAve strong links to the UK and my Mum and other family live there. I missed a great school friend's wedding recently (preggers) and another mate held up the phone so i could hear the vows. Some aussie mates got married in Greece 2 years ago and we held a phone up so a friend could hear it.

I think it depends on the empathy of the people you've left behind. Most of our friends are well travelled and realise how easy a bit of an effort is. We don't have any real links to small static groups (just my Dh's family!). They are scottish farmers and see all sorts of travel as a BIG DEAL. We tend to roll our eyes at them (and held up another sodding phone at our overseas wedding).

[expatinscotland]

Yeah, well, different, they reneged. It happens. When you move, that's a possibility.

[expatinscotland]

We're not in Edinburgh, 2. Haven't been for 4 years.

[differentnameforthis]

They'll see your clinging to the UK as silly and pointless and it will bruise and scar you

Op is trying to cling to her family, not the country they live in!

[differentnameforthis]

YOU are the one who chose to move at the end of the day, the fallout from that is your responsibility. To do so on the premise that other people are going to 'include' you how you see fit was foolish in the extreme'

I don't think so. They are my siblings, my parent. They promised to keep in touch, to keep communication open. I don't think that believing that was "foolish in the extreme" at all. We were all very close, spent a lot of time together. Why do I have to be the one who never forgets a birthday, a special occasion, sends letters etc? Communication isn't one way, or shouldn't be!

[2rebecca]

Not understanding at all why you think there are no jobs or universities in Edinburgh expat! Agree re the affordable homes around Ed bit though. Tuition is still free in Scotland as well.

[expatinscotland]

Oh, yes, Penguin. It is no longer upsetting at all to me, mostly, in my children.

That's what the OP has to learn. She will get past it's being upsetting. It will be only something in the long nights that is hers alone to ponder.

Anyone ever read 'The Tenderness of Wolves'?

There's a scene in it. A half-Mohican man tells his charge how he found an abandoned wolf cub one time, in the bush. And he raised it. He tells how it grew up and was like a puppy. Then it remembered what is was. He said, 'It stared into the distance.' Now I know from my own grandmother who was Native American this is how emotion is registered. He said it remembered it was a wolf, not a pet.

And he said, 'The Chippewa have a word for it - it means 'the sickness of long thinking'. You cannot tame a wild animal, because it will always remember where it is from, and yearn to go back.'

[PenguinArmy]

expat I think I'm upset after you're post and I'm not even effected by it. are you feeling alright?

[expatinscotland]

Sorry if that's upsetting, but just trying to be realistic.

I remember when my eldest started to speak, and all her voice was a pure, beautiful, true Edinburgher. That sort of quiet speech that people strain to hear but it's like a song you never tire of hearing, a balm in the worst of throes, still is, for though modified for the locale where she's been in since she was 4 it's nowhere as broad a Highland voice as that of her sister, who was 1 when we came here, or her brother, and she's nowhere near the temprament. Reserved as they come. Her green eyes will lower in disapproval but she'll say nothing unless asked. Stalwart as a birch tree, ever the tall, fair Lowlander. Things must be done, and must be done in a certain way. Immutable as a stone. She'll turn her long back and that is death to that. Every inch a Lowland Scot.

And I exclaimed to my husband, 'Oh, she sounds foreign!'

And he said, 'No, she doesn't. You do.'

[expatinscotland]

I'm up late now due to a combination of insomnia and also I've missed a holiday in my native country.

This holiday means zero to my children.

I'll fly back, a journey that will require me to travel with an 8-year-old and 5-year-old girl and a very active 2-year-old boy, first to a hotel, where we'll need to wake at 2AM (they won't settle for their 7.45PM bed time, I can tell you), for a flight to Amsterdam, and thence, for a 9-hour flight across an ocean. And I have anxiety disorder and depression.

I'll have to do it again, on my own. And every year from now, as my husband can't get time off in summer easily and fortnight's holidays aren't long enough.

Soon enough, the 8-year-old might start balking about spending her summer away from her boyfriend/best friend and friends (people tend to hook up here young and stay together). Or we'll be going with said half-Canadian boyfriend and his mother in tow with him dis-embarking at Toronto.

See where this is going? It is very likely I will lose my daughter to North America, and lose her quite shortly, she's nearly halfway there, whilst I cannot go with her for the other two. There's no life for that daughter or said boyfriend here.

There's no good steady jobs, no colleges or universities, no homes to rent affordably let alone buy. There's everything for them in North America, two Scots with the gift of dual nationality. And if not him, there's plenty others to fill his place or her own desires.

I see people moving even farther away and I think, if it's for a better life, they do what they must. I totally understand.

I'd never want my own life for my children. I'll do the best I can to stay in touch, to be close.

But it comes at a price, a huge, huge price. That's what you're learning now.

Sorry to be harsh, but that's how it goes.

My old landlord is a dear friend, and two of his brothers went to Australia in the early 70s. There was nothing for the Glaswegian children of poor Irish immigrants here then. So they left. Became teachers, married Australian women, had Australian children. Came back on their own for the funerals of their parents, who gave their blessings for them to go, as they had gone, to go to a place where they could have an education, a lovely house, a decent job, where they'd not be treated like scum.

Only one of their children has even visited. And she didn't stay. Why would she? She's a nurse, she has good jobs in Australia. She's Australian, not British.

When you make the decision to leave, you have to accept such things.

Things like the wedding are just the tip of the iceberg. Her children won't know you. Your children won't know her children in teh same way. They'll grow up and be Kiwis or Aussies and see the world in such a way. They'll see your clinging to the UK as silly and pointless and it will bruise and scar you. They may even despise the UK - say it's backwards and classist and a rip-off and all manner of things. They won't care for the news there, what's it to them? It's just some foreign place.

[supercal]

I also think that there is a difference between expecting photos emailed to you within a day or two of the ceremony (reasonable IMO), and expecting them to be emailed during the ceremony and being in tears because, while the reception is going on, no one has emailed you photos (unreasonable IMO).

[supercal]

The whole point about 'choice' came up because the OP stated that she and her DH had "no choice but to move here". How was there no choice? I'm very interested to know, as all the expats I know - and I know well over a hundred - all had a choice.

As I said before, I have spent over half my life being an expat. I know the drill. The onus is on you - the family who have moved away - to keep in contact. And the onus is on you to make yourself part of important events like weddings and funerals by attending, even if that means (which is frequently does) that you can't attend as a full family. And if you can't possibly attend, then you have to suck it up I'm afraid.

Because while I agree it hurts to feel out of sight, out of mind, and I agree that it can feel like that as an expat, I don't agree that it is a reasonable way to feel during special ceremonies. Because - newsflash - those ceremonies are busy, attended by other people who need, er, attending to, and the focus is practically always on a particular couple or person and isn't all about you.

[Latootle]

what a shame that you didn't agree that maybe you could have gone alone. After all you are the sister. Maybe you should put a few pounds away each month as a contingency in case anything else pops ups unexpectedly, or even so that maybe you can pop home for a couple of weeks alone in the not too distant future. even if you get a p/time to enable this. worth a thought?

[TragicallyHip]

I don't think yabu at all. I got married in Australia and my parents couldn't make it. They were on the phone the whole way through the ceremony which one of the bridesmaids were holding.

Maybe your brother got tied up or couldn't get the wireless to work.

Hope you get to see some pics soon

[chicletteeth]

YABU to expect others there to take the time to play around with technology so you could see it!
It's not likely to have worked the first time, and anyway, why should they; they probably want to watch and enjoy the service.

YANBU for being upset with your dad for saying get up at 2, but then not actually being online when he said he would.

FWIW I'm flying 19 hours to my brothers wedding in August because I don't want to miss it!

[nzshar]

Half of my siblings were quite young when I left and the words my then 11 year old sister to my father were "you make everyone I love leave for good" :( there was resentment in our family but I had to do what was right for me at that time (following a man I thought I loved)

Anyway after 7 years the marriage was no more and nothing was keeping me here except before I decided to go back home for good I met a wonderful English guy and 10 years on and a DS later I am still here.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that it was my choice and I have to live with that and not expect people to change their lives around my choices. As expat says people have just carried on their lives while I assilmilated into a whole different culture. After 17 yers my whole outlook is more British now than New Zealander.

My older sister has got married, got photos in the post 3 weeks later. There have been There has been 7 births from various siblings have photos of 4 of them only. In the next year alnoe I will miss 2 weddings and 3 births of my siblings (from a large family :) ) Not to mention missing both my granparents funerals which absolutely broke my heart but those are the consequences I have to endure because I live so far away and don't have the money to go back very often (twicw in 17 years)

I do feel for you OP because 2 years is not long at all and no doubt you are still getting bouts of homesickness but unfortunately there is some truth in the saying out of sight out of mind :(

[queenceleste]

OP, I really empathise, we moved away from my childhood country to the UK and I felt I missed my whole previous life, never saw my dog again for example. It's awful to feel left out of something however much we have chosen it or not, it's very painful.
Big hugs to you and as with everything, time will make it less painful.
Re people letting you down. That doesn't really surprise me, weddings are extremely stressful and busy and people tend to get sucked into the present.
It's also quite possible that the family maybe even subconsciously are hurt that you moved/weren't there etc.
It's hard for both sides isn't it? Maybe people were trying not to think of you so they didn't feel sad about you not being there?
I know that's what my dad did about us when we moved away, he just tried to forget about us most of the time because it was uncomfortable to miss us I guess!
Take care

[wannaBe]

Haven't read the whole thread but...

I grew up abroad.

Whenever anyone on here talks about emigrating somewhere I always say that they need to think about family relationships, because if you move abroad those change.

Going to live on the other side of the world is a choice you make, it is not a choice your family have made. You move on and into a new life and culture and different experiences, and back here their lives carry on as they were, and you're no longer a part of that, because that is the choice you made. They didn't choose for you to be excluded from family events - you did.

Yabu to be upset you weren't included in this wedding - you chose not to be included by virtue of the fact you chose to go and live 12000 miles away where you couldn't afford to come home.

And if you have children you need to consider the fact that if you decide to come back here one day, they may decide not to follow.

I would still emigrate tomorrow if given the chance, but I would do so with my eyes open as to the impact it would have on our family's relationships with wider family.

Nothing wrong with seeking that life elsewhere, but ultimately that is your choice and no-one else's.

[expatinscotland]

Oh, I agree, 2Rebecca, but not everyone thinks like that and some siblings can indeed feel very resentful and abandoned when one moves away like that.

I don't expect my kids to stay here, tbh. This place doesn't look so good for young adults in the future wrt to jobs and property - even renting.

And where I'm from, their accents are a real asset.

But people feel differently.