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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My sisters wedding - feeling rather upset about the whole thing AIBU?

127 replies

lavenderbongo · 29/05/2011 00:32

So just over 2 years ago we emigrated to the other side of the world. A 26 hour flight away. I was obviously aware that this would mean that I would miss out on extended family gatherings and accepted that. Now last night my sister got married. We had been invited but, there are four of us and we couldn't afford the flights/time of work and so told my sis that we couldn't go.
For the past few weeks I have been strongly suggesting that my Dad and my brother organise something so that we could watch the wedding, or at least the reception via Skype. I explained all the ways this could be done and we even brought my Dad an Ipod so that we could skype over that if the laptop couldn't be used.
Anyway the previous night my Dad said if we kept the laptop on and next to the bed and set the alarm for 2am in the morning (my time) he would skype us and let us see my sis walk down the aisle. (the wedding was in a registry office so did have wireless - he even got the access codes).
So 2am this morning the alarm goes off and I check the laptop. None of the family is on. Affter half an hour I try ringing mobiles to check everything is ok - but no one answers. I wait almost an hour and no one appears so eventually i go back to sleep. Wake up this morning (should be the time of the reception) and still not one in on skype. Not even any pics on facebook.
By this time I am a bit upset (alright balling my eyes out). I thought someone at least would have put a few pics on facebook.
Eventually, late this morning my cousin has put some pics of her kids at the wedding on facebook. Clearly posted whilst she is at the reception. If she can do it why can't any of my own family?
I just feel rather left out and forgotten. I know I made the decision to move over here - but surely someone could have taken some pictures of my sis and stuck them on facebook. Why tell me to set the alarm for 2am if no one was going to attempt to contact me? AIBU to be rather upset?

OP posts:
sausagesandmarmelade · 29/05/2011 09:55

I was going to write a post about the lack of empathy...i.e people saying it was your fault for moving, you shouldn't have asked in the first place, if it was that important you should have taken time off and gone over etc etc etc!!!

I found some of the responses absolutely staggering!

I'm sure there's a good reason why the wedding couldn't be skyped....but they really should have let you know....and I am sure there will be lots of pictures coming your way. I do understand your dissapointment because you missed out on a really important family event...which cannot be re-created. I am in a very close family..and I would have felt exactly the same.

TidyDancer · 29/05/2011 10:04

Since your family had made arrangements with you for this, YANBU, and I simply can't believe some of the awful responses you've got on here. They broke an arrangement, simple as that. They knew it would upset you and they haven't done the decent thing and apologised or told you it wouldn't be possible to Skype the ceremony/reception. They have been quite mean over this, just ignoring you. At the very least, I don't see why you couldn't have listened over the phone to the ceremony, it wouldn't even involve someone having to point a camera!

Don't criticise your sister, she isn't to blame for this. I don't know what you can really do tbh, it's not worth starting a row about, but I would be expecting a decent apology from someone.

RunsWithScissors · 29/05/2011 10:07

Hi op! I understand being away from family, and things can feel like a slight etc when they aren't. Especially around big events.

Firstly, the iPod doesn't work with skype. Your dad/ brother might have been going mad at the lady minute trying to sort things out.

If things did go wrong with the iPod, they would not have had time to contact you... A wedding was happening. After they probably got swept up in the photos(no doubt thinking of you at this time), seeing people they haven't seem for ages, then getting to the reception, dinner, speeches etc.

Probably all shattered this am and if not at home, might not be able to get online right away.

Mabel call your sis later on today and have a chat. No questions about what went wrong... Just a chat, congrats and ask her how it all went. You'll prob feel a bit sad, but try to share in the happiness and you'll feel better.

Hug!

RunsWithScissors · 29/05/2011 10:09

Wow, sorry for all the typos, typing whilst a toddler was trying to get my attention.

HerHissyness · 29/05/2011 10:12

I think it's a real shame you missed the wedding, but you did do all you could, bar actually being able to get on a plane. If you expected your brother to do it, perhaps you may have needed to be more explicit, but what's done is done. Try not to dwell on it.

I do agree with you on the whole lack of empathy for expats thing, some of you may know the hell I endured living overseas (abusive now-x) but I didn't feel I could post anything as anyone looking at my life may not have understood why I was so desperately miserable, but powerless to do anything about it.

Dozer · 29/05/2011 10:26

Yabu, is sad that you have to miss it, but either you go or don't, is selfish to expect them to skype etc.

nzshar · 29/05/2011 10:53

I live the same distance as you from my family. Have done for 17 years now. Have missed a number of weddings, births and funerals. It's something I have come to deal with. It was my choice to move and stay here. It is sad but it is what it is sorry I think YABU. Your family are just doing what long distance families do.

DontGoCurly · 29/05/2011 11:08

I bet it was a technical glitch op. They wouldnt have purposely left you out. Hopefully someone has recorded it and you can see it later.

JamieAgain · 29/05/2011 11:22

Your last post changes things a bit. I'd assumed they weren't familiar with Skype, but they were.

Still, probably a technical hitch.

supercal · 29/05/2011 11:37

I've spent half my life being an expat and I still think YABU.

One point that no one else, or you, has mentioned, is your sister's view in all this.

You wanted the skype, you asked your brother and your father to sort it out. But what about your sister's agreement in all this? Did she know about and agree to this plan? It's her wedding! Could be that she vetoed it. Or the venue did.

As for putting photos up on FB during the wedding, that is beyond rude and I would be upset if people were doing that during my ceremony.

supercal · 29/05/2011 11:41

Oh and the other person who is important in this is your new BIL.

Seriously, it's your DSis and Bil's wedding and yet your posts have been all about what you wanted to happen during their wedding, not about what they wanted. For that alone I think you're BU.

ChristinedePizan · 29/05/2011 11:48

I have been an expat and didn't go to either of my sisters' weddings. My choice to move to the other side of the world, my problem if I miss important events.

clam · 29/05/2011 12:05

Is it possible that your sister has the hump that you didn't go back for the wedding and therefore vetoed the skype plan at her end?

Silverstar2 · 29/05/2011 12:15

Not everyone likes FB, so maybe that didn't occur to them? A shame about the skype, as you had already agreed it, would be nice to find out why that didn't happen.

But if I had seen people at my wedding putting pics on bl$$dy FB I would have gone mad and asked them to stop. I think it is rude. You are at a wedding ffs. Real life.

I hope you can sort it out.

aldiwhore · 29/05/2011 12:24

My folks wouldn't have the first clue about skype/facebook etc., and it would have been a BIG ask to expect them to bend over backwards for the one daughter who could't get there, when they were concentrating on their other daughter's big day.

I would put this behind you. You couldn't attend, and therefore, with that decision comes the knowledge that you won't see your sister walk down the aisle. You can be upset of course, its upsetting, but if you start saying "couldn't one of you at least posted some pictures or skyped me?" they'd be well within their rights to say "couldn't one of you afforded one plane ticket if it was so important?".... and that would just get messy.

I went to my sister's wedding, I had a horrible day, my sister (usually lovely) was downright rude to me and made me feel pretty unliked, and I cried a lot... but there was no need for me to kick off, it was her day... I've said since that I was hurt by her, and she's accepted it. So maybe, what needs to come from YOU is to keep saying how gutted you were that you missed her wedding, that you wish her well, that you miss her in general and that being an ex-pat is harder than you thought it would be. Your family will respect you more for that than if you start having a tantrum.

Your sister probably missed you massively, but seriously, expecting everyone to take a fair old amount of time out of their day to skype you, post photos etc., especially if that's not their thing, is asking too much.

googietheegg · 29/05/2011 12:54

I don;t think YBU at all - I've also moved away from family and there's a feeling of being 'punished' everytime I miss something, even though they usually miss stuff that's important to us.

I think all the skype/fb stuff is a red herring personally. It's about feeling like you're 'out of sight, out of mind'.

BooyHoo · 29/05/2011 13:12

even though your brother didn't have a 'role' in the wedding it doesn't mean he should should be skyping to you. it was his sister aswell and you seeing/enjoying the wedding isn't more important than him seeing and enjoying it. i personally would not want to feel obliged to contact absent family members during my own sister's wedding. i would want to watch her come down the aisle drying my eye with a tissue and holding my mum's hand.

skybluepearl · 29/05/2011 13:14

have you spoken to your dad and told him how upset you are?

JamieAgain · 29/05/2011 13:16

The thing is, they did agree to the skyping, they were familiar with it, and knew the OP would be up at 2 am waiting. The more I think about it, the more I understand how hurtful it must be for her

skybluepearl · 29/05/2011 13:16

i think it was quite reasonable to expect brother to skype but maybe you should have asked him directly and not via dad . most young people these days know how to skype and it's easy to organise..

LillyTheMinx · 29/05/2011 13:17

I don't think YABU. My sister has moved abroad with her family and if she were unable to make it to a special family occasion for whatever reason we would all do whatever we could to make her feel involved.

I really sorry you missed out.

supercal · 29/05/2011 13:25

Jamie - the brother and the father agreed to the skyping. What we don't know is whether the bride, groom and the venue did. There approval is the most important aspect here, don't you think?

Not everyone wants their wedding skyped. Especially even if it's their sister watching.

supercal · 29/05/2011 13:26

gah, 'their' approval

flyingspaghettimonster · 29/05/2011 14:31

I live overseas and understand how left out you can feel; haven't been home for 3 years and missed a few events... I think it was shoddy of your dad not to at least call and say why he didn't skype... Not like lying awake for an hour wondering what was happening was fun. But yabu to have expected it in the first place, I think. A registry office wedding is usually quite short and surely your dad would have been walking her down the aisle? Also, one of my sisters missed my wedding while on her gap year; I am afraid although I missed her while planning, I really didn't miss her on the day as it was such a whirlwind and so many people were there... 6 years later I find I usually seem to remember everything as though she was there; she gets cross that everybody forgets she wasn't. It isn't deliberate, more like we filled a gap with a false memory. Sorry you were disappointed though. Why not suggest the newly weds come visit you?

MonstaMunch · 29/05/2011 14:34

did you send a videotaped message wishing them well that could be played at the reception

thats what my sisters BIL did at her wedding when he was in Australia

tbh, the day wasnt about you OP, you would have been a guest had you been there. you werent there so unreasonable to expect everyone to be flapping about thinking what your needs were