My sisters wedding - feeling rather upset about the whole thing AIBU?

[lavenderbongo]

So just over 2 years ago we emigrated to the other side of the world. A 26 hour flight away. I was obviously aware that this would mean that I would miss out on extended family gatherings and accepted that. Now last night my sister got married. We had been invited but, there are four of us and we couldn't afford the flights/time of work and so told my sis that we couldn't go.
For the past few weeks I have been strongly suggesting that my Dad and my brother organise something so that we could watch the wedding, or at least the reception via Skype. I explained all the ways this could be done and we even brought my Dad an Ipod so that we could skype over that if the laptop couldn't be used.
Anyway the previous night my Dad said if we kept the laptop on and next to the bed and set the alarm for 2am in the morning (my time) he would skype us and let us see my sis walk down the aisle. (the wedding was in a registry office so did have wireless - he even got the access codes).
So 2am this morning the alarm goes off and I check the laptop. None of the family is on. Affter half an hour I try ringing mobiles to check everything is ok - but no one answers. I wait almost an hour and no one appears so eventually i go back to sleep. Wake up this morning (should be the time of the reception) and still not one in on skype. Not even any pics on facebook.
By this time I am a bit upset (alright balling my eyes out). I thought someone at least would have put a few pics on facebook.
Eventually, late this morning my cousin has put some pics of her kids at the wedding on facebook. Clearly posted whilst she is at the reception. If she can do it why can't any of my own family?
I just feel rather left out and forgotten. I know I made the decision to move over here - but surely someone could have taken some pictures of my sis and stuck them on facebook. Why tell me to set the alarm for 2am if no one was going to attempt to contact me? AIBU to be rather upset?

[madhousewife]

I've moved across the world too and a few years ago my baby brother called to tell me he was getting married. I was so excited for him and couldn't wait for the wedding. He asked me when I could come out so they could make arrangements and I said August, (I'm a teacher and we come out in August every year).

So weeks and weeks go by and I don't hear from him again, I'm on the phone with my mum and she tells me how organised my brother and sil are - venue picked, everything booked, etc etc. I say, 'Oh, when is the wedding then?' In June, SIL didn't want an August wedding.

I seriously felt like my heart was breaking. I wanted to be there so bad and I felt like the date was so immaterial. i still wonder if IWBU and I was a bit but the flood of emotions was so intense. I still get upset writing this three years later!!

When I finally got over myself enough to talk to my brother and try to wish the best for him, he told me to call them at such and such a time after the ceremony but then never answered his phone. TBH, I just felt completely excluded and unimportant and that hurts so much when you care about someone so deeply.

So I don't know if yabu or not - but I feel your pain and disappointment. xx

[cjbartlett]

I think it's unreasonable to expect them to put photos up that night
you'll see loads this week I bet
you sound a bit impatient tbh
I'd have gone to the wedding

[empirestateofmind]

I'd have gone to the wedding too. madhousewife I am a teacher in an international school and we can take time off for things like weddings back in the UK. Could you not get permission to go?

We lose a percentage of our months salary and have to pay for a cover teacher but the Head does give permission if it is important to us.

[ledkr]

I think if you had insisted on them doing the skype thing but they werent keen then y would b u, but the fact that they went to so much touble to organise it-access codes etc and also told you to set your alarm then yanbu.
Its a shame but maybe there was a genuine reason for it. Hope you get to see the dvd.

[purplepidjin]

I think YABabitU about the skype jobbie. Its massively complicated and scary to people who don't understand it, and your Dad needed to be there for his other, equally important, daughter. Just like he was (i assume???) for you.

I don't think yabu about the fb photos. I have a free app on my blackberry that somehow allows me to take a picture and upload it directly to fb as if I were sending it as a text message. I can tag, add to album, give it a caption... It wouldn't take much for someone to snap a pic on their phone of sis and bil saying I do then uploading to fb once the ceremony was over.

[Pelagia]

I really feel for you.

My brother got married overseas and we watched live on the internet and I was surprised how important it felt to be able to do that. The registry office did all the technical stuff though, and I think its a bit much to ask of a non-techie person.

I've also missed a wedding this weekend due to work and had to sit on my hands to stop calling the bride and groom to find out how their day is going. Its wierd not being able to physically get to a wedding but still wanting to be there in spirit.

[MumToTheBoy]

I don't think you abu to want to see a photo or two asap.

My closest friend got married this month but I was unable to go as they decided to marry in a place more than 7 hrs drive away and we had no childcare for the weekend they chose. I was really upset I couldn't go but was remembered by the bride as she send me photos of her flowers, the buttonholes and herself in the dress before the ceremony, and then pictures of the happy couple afterwards. Then a week later I got to see the video, which made me cry again as I would have loved to have been there but it was better than not seeing it at all.

I'm sure one of your family members, if not the bride herself, could have taken a few quick photos on their phones and sent them to you. Hopefully you will get to see some asap

[nothingnatural]

I also live a good 24hrs from family and it is AWFUL to feel that you are being forgotten about. I don't think anyone who hasn't lived abroad really appreciates how utterly heartbreaking it is to feel that those you love most in the world don't really seem to care enough to keep in touch.

However . . . that said, I do think you expecting the skype thing was being U. Tbh it sounds like a huge faff in an already busy day.

Madhousewife I would have been utterly and completely sad too.

Living overseas, however much you might have chosen to be here totally sucks at times like that.

[Icelollycraving]

I got married abroad last year. My mum was ill & couldn't come. She celebrated the day with her dh & her brother & sister. We tried to call,she tried to call,the reception on the calls just didn't happen. She was upset but the day was so busy that it was certainly nothing personal.
Yanbu to be upset,yabu to let them know though.
You chose to move knowing there would be times like this. I would have been a bit pissed off if people updated fb whilst they were at my wedding.

[BlooferLady]

Oh dear! I think YANBU but only because I think your impulses were nice - you miss your family and you wanted to get involved, and that's great. I think you were being a bit unrealistic, but I can understand why you got a bit carried away. I think some people are being a tiny bit harsh - you didn't want to be centre of attention, you just wanted to be involved.

(Disclaimer: I have a sister the other side of the world and although part of me churlishly thinks she shouldn't have abandoned her family for the sake of some sodding sunshine and the chance of a slightly larger house, I do understand how much she misses everyone, especially at big family events).

[frikonastick]

i dont think YABU

my brother got married and i couldnt go (both overseas) and my folks and his and him and his wife to be all called me on the day itself (and i called them) and had freinds post pics on the day as it was happening from phones and blackberrys etc etc. i sat by the computer the whole day and was as included as i could be. and my brother and i dont even really get on!

maybe the difference is that everyone in my family lives in diferent countries so they are used to having to make an effort to include the people they love even if they cant physically be there.

maybe the skype was too fiddly for your dad, but in this day and age of instant pictures sent to phones and facebook as things are happening, i dont think you were being so unreasanable to think someone would at least try to include you.

living overseas is hard, you should come on over to the living overseas board on here :)

[Blondeshavemorefun]

yabu over the skype thing - all sounds hassle, but couldnt they/is there a dvd of the day?

i did a dvd of dh funeral (not as weird or uncommon as sounds) as didnt think his sister could come as had literally just given birth, but she managed it

also had a dvd of my wedding as i got married in antigua with literally close family there but at our reception in England 2 weeks later, we showed the wedding so all could see

i also think you are a tad unreasonable over the pics, maybe the bride wanted to put them up herself, again i would be a bit pissed off if friends had posted pics of my wedding on fb before i did

i know you are across the oceans, but if you had wanted to be there then you could have flown across by yourself

give your sis a call and say congrats :)

[ruddynorah]

You shouldn't have asked your dad. He would have enough to deal with. You should have asked a younger less involved relative. A teenager if there was one would prob have enjoyed doing it for you.

[TattyDevine]

Put it this way - you haven't yet spoken to them to find out what went wrong. Its hard to know how much effort they went to.

Had they ever tested an internet connection at the church/registery/venue?

It might be that they didn't have enough bandwidth or that the venue's wifi was down (your cousin may have used her iPhone with her mobile connection to upload photos) and they just couldn't do it.

The fact that nobody was online was telling.

I doubt they'd say they'd do it and then just say "hey - lets punish the prodigal bitch, and not"

Seriously. There will be an explanation. Just tell them how pleased for them you are and how gutted you had to miss it.

[CoffeeIsMyFriend]

OP (& others) I totally understand how left out you feel. But your Dad would have been so busy with things for your sister and family that to ask him to skype you is U.

Like ruddy said, a less important guest could have text you or fb you pics and information to keep you involved.

[NestaFiesta]

YABU. I feel sad for you but it's the price you pay in choosing to move. I'm not saying it's wrong to move and make those choices, but with choices come sacrifices.

My Mum moved to the back of beyond in Spain and still wants us to go there every year. It's an 18 hour journey with 2 small DCs and I think the one who moves shouldn't expect other people to fit in with their choices.

If I asked my Dad to learn Skype in time for a wedding in which he was giving the bride away, he'd probably explode with the stress of it. Ruddynorah's idea is a good one- a teenager would have loved doing it. Hindsight is a wonderful thing though.

I think you are more homesick than anything and still adjusting to the move. I'm assuming there are good reasons why you moved 2 weeks before the wedding and couldn't hang on for it?

[MonstaMunch]

so if your dad is faffing aroung with skype and whatnot at the wedding, he will miss the bloody wedding wont he

you are being selfish - i wouldnt have faffed around with facebook, skype or whatnot either at mine or my kids weddings,

your choice to move away, deal with it

[activate]

YABU

you're not there and it isn't about you

just wait a couple of weeks and there'll be lots of info

[HappyMummyOfOne]

You could have gone and left the rest of your family at home and borrowed a sofa, rather than pay for 4 flights and possibly accomodation if it meant that much to you.

Your dad didnt sound like he wanted to do it, a cousin or friend would have been better if they have offfered rather than badgered into it.

There will be plenty of photos i'm sure.

[MerylStrop]

YABU

The whole plan was totally unrealistic and you shouldn't have put that pressure and expectation on your dad on his daughter's wedding day. Or maybe the technology just didn't work.

FWIW I think it's the height of poor manners to be posting facebook pictures on your i-phone during a wedding reception.

For goodness sake don't say anything. ( At least you can say to your sister with hand on heart that you were thinking of her at the moment she exchanged vows!

[springydaffs]

YANBU to be upset but YABU to expect people to get the hang of the technology. This was a trial run - your first since moving - and it went wrong: next time, hopefully they'll fine-tune it a bit better so you won't be left out.

That said, my family couldn't give a flying fuck if I wasn't at a wedding (or whatever) and certainly wouldn't go to any effort to make me feel included. Not having a pity party, just that you are lucky to have a family who at least wanted to care iyswim.

Somebody younger should have had the responsibility to be in charge of the technology, ie someone not in the inner circle, as your immediate family would have been up to their necks in things to do and the whole thing goes by in a nanosecond anyway - if they missed that 'window', all would have been lost. You also don't know about the connection - did they do a trial run? You may be completely conversant with skype/uploading on fb, see it as the easiest possible thing, but not everybody is.

I hope you settle soon and the sunshine helps to make up for missing your family xx

[sausagesandmarmelade]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

I can understand you being so hurt....especially as they agreed to skype you at 2.00am your time.

I really feel for you....

I may be that in the end they weren't able to record details of the wedding (on the day) after all....but they really should have let you know...and there's no reason why they cannot send you oodles of pictures....or pop them on photobox and send you a link.

I would get in touch...tell them how you feel and ask them what happened?

[lavenderbongo]

Thanks for all the opinions. Just to be clear - i asked my Dad but didnt expect him to sort out Skype etc.. was expecting younger brother to do that as he had no important role in the day.
Some of you are very judgmental about people moving abroad. We had no choice but to move here and accepted the fact we would miss family events. However, due to my families familitiarity with technology (we use skype daily to talk to my parents) I thought it would be relatively easy to set up. And in fact they told me they could do it.
Anyway - I have calmed down now and accept that AIBU and will speak to my sis later and congratulate her.

[Northernlurker]

Good for you I do hope you get to see some lovely pictures soon!