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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.. to think that this is the crappiest birthday I ever had?

107 replies

paulapantsdown · 28/05/2011 21:23

Ok, I know I am not a child, and I don't expect balloons and chocolate cake, but this has been my worst birthday ever. I will explain and you tell me if I am being an idiot to feel so down about this please.

We all went to a friends house for drinks/dinner last night, and lovley friend who's house it was gave me a card and little (very thoughtful) present. Everyone was asking me what I was doing for my birthday, had DH planned anything special etc. I could only answer 'I don't know' as he had not mentioned my birthday to me or the kids up to this point. He muttered something along the lines of "yeah, we are going out".

So, I go home with the kids, he stays behind drinking and comes home at 1am and sleeps in the spare room so as not to wake me. Get up this morning and get handed a - bottle of wine - from the fridge, and a card signed from the kids (not DH) that I had seen on the counter in friends house. She is going to a birthday party tonight and had obv bought this card for it. No card from DH, as he obv had not been to a shop and had just asked the friend for the other card.

Two hour later bunch of flowers arrive from the florists around the corner, again with a card with just the kids names on. DH then announces that he has the teenager next door to sit with the kids tonight so that we can go for a meal in his favourite restuarant. He hasn't actually booked a table, but is sure they keep tables free for show up. This place is 20 miles away. I suggest that instead of risking not getting in, maybe we could do something with the kids. He says 'yeah ok whatever'.

So I am so upset by this point that I go back to bed and have a little cry.

Another dear friend and a my cousin (who is like a sister to me), arrive with thoughtful, prettily wrapped gifts. Nothing too expensive, but thoughtful and lovely. After they leave, we all pop over to my dads house who gives me a card with some cash in it and tells me that it was a good job my cousin had reminded him 30 minutes before that it was my birthday as he had forgotten!

The rest of the afternoon goes by like any other Saturday and now they are all downstairs watching the football.

At 6pm, DH says that the babysitter had texted and were we going out or what? I said no thanks.

His birthday last year :
tickets for Paul Weller (ordered 2 months before birthday)
slippers he needed and had pointed out in shop
some of his favourite chocolates
table booked at nice pub for sunday lunch
a card from me and one from the kids

AIBU to feel totally unappreciated and an afterthought on what should be a day I should be made feel a little bit special by the person who is supposed to love me most? Its the same day every year and yet he obviously forgot until yesterday.

Its not about the cash spent (or not) - just the thoughtlessness that really hurts, and the assumption that a last minute bunch of flowers and a meal out would do - I really would have been happier with a bunch of carnations from the supermarket and a nice lunch made at home - but I was never ASKED what I might like to do, and no thought was put into anything for me.

Am I being a brat?

OP posts:
fluffles · 29/05/2011 11:37

ok, so he forgot, that's rubbish.

but he tried to make it up to you and take you to dinner and you wouldn't let him. why? if you didn't believe there'd be a table why not ask him to call round and FIND a table. you could have gone out, had a nice time and made up for it, instead you managed to engineer it so it was a rubbish birthday. YABU.

Mollydollydoll · 29/05/2011 11:42

I do moomoo, my ex hubby was the opposite he'd try and buy my love as he wasn't an affectionate person.

SunshineisSorry · 29/05/2011 11:59

the thing that really would get me is the card thing, signed by the kids and not him vile

gillybean2 · 29/05/2011 12:07

people generally put into a birthday what they want to receive.

Your dh put in little effort and ran round trying to fix things once he relaised he'd forgotten. He's probably really miffed that you threw back him dinner invitation and not even his flowers were good enough. He probably thinks you hate your birthday and don't want any effort spent on it. You have to tell him differently or he won't ever know.

You put lots of effort into his birthday because it is important to you. Once he realises is told that this is because it's important to you do this and you view it as a sign of how important he is to you to make that eoffort (and vice versa ie you expect the same) he may realise.

But you have to basically spell it out.

So say to him...
"Thanks for the card from the dc. I was upset though as I know you scrounged it from friend last night and then you didn't even sign it. Next year can you try and remember to sign it too and actually home made cards from dc are nice...

I was also upset as it seems to me you made very little effort and I think really you had actually forgotten and then tried to fix it. I felt under appreciated and that you didn't care enough to plan or think ahead.
The reastaurant idea was nice, can we pick a restaurant I like next time and book it so I feel less stressed about it please.

If you're struggling for ideas on what to get me then the easiest thing to do is just to ask me if there's anything I want a week or so before rather than dig a bottle of wine out the fridge in the morning and a last minute call to the florist.
Ok so you may have actually planned all this stuff ages in advance, but it didn't seem that way to me and all I want is to see you've put some thought and effort in.
That's why I'm a bit upset about it and didn't feel like going out"

Followed by the request for a cuddle.
Do you think something like that would work?

ZombiePlan · 29/05/2011 12:22

Hmm, think he sounds like he didn't put much effort in. I can see why that would be hurtful. I think the obvious effort that your friends put in made it worse, because it contrasted with the lack of effort from your DH (who you might reasonably expect to make more effort than anyone else). So it's not about having a bad birthday as such, it's about the mismatch between what you think is an acceptable amount of effort to go to for a spouse's birthday and what he thinks will do. Suggest you talk about this before it festers.

LeQueen · 29/05/2011 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeQueen · 29/05/2011 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

olderyetwider · 29/05/2011 12:57

My DH is not good at birthdays; he always remembers but his family never made much fuss so he just doesn't get it. It used to upset me, now I tend to just recognise that he is thoughtful and nice all year round and let it go.

I was in hospital overnight on Friday, and before he came to fetch me early on Saturday he went up to the yard and took some video of my horse for me as he knew I'd be missing her. I was really touched by that. I'd rather have his general niceness all year round than a big birthday effort (although I wouldn't object if he did both!)

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 29/05/2011 13:51

Dear LeQueen,
sorry, that does sound like a really difficult birthday.

I do agree that people have a slight lack of perspective when they're disappointed by lack of material fripperies.

But, I know, I know ... it's the thought that counts !

LeQueen · 29/05/2011 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dozer · 29/05/2011 14:33

Yabu. Agree with the poster who says they can't stand birthday divas. And the fact that people other than your dh and kids got you stuff and fact that you cried suggests that you are one!

I had a miscarriage one recent birthday, and on another one attended a funeral. Some things are bigger than birthdays.

That said, if your dh can be slack give him some hints/tips next time!

Cymar · 29/05/2011 14:59

YABU OP. Your DH organised to have flowers delivered to you and a babysitter sorted so you could both go out. He still made an effort (even if it was a last minute thing, it's better than sweet FA) and YOU feel under-appreciated Shock. He probably feels like you've slapped him in the face for trying to please you.

chubsasaurus · 29/05/2011 15:07

YANBU at all. Neither are you a 'birthday diva'. My DP made sure I had a 4 day birthday this year as it was on a Monday which was excessive I know but incredibly thoughtful as he had planned different things for each day and bought me a couple of books, some clothes from favourite shop, took me to the theatre and for dinner, champagne breakfast etc. You are entirely right to feel disappointed.

TotallyUtterlyDesperate · 29/05/2011 15:27

There are several ways to look at this. It does depend on how he treats you in general. A previous DP of mine was always very romantic at birthdays with presents, flowers and meals out. My DH is rubbish at choosing nice presents and tends to get me CDs that he wants and flowers that are past their sell by date in the supermarket.

But, previous DP was a lying, cheating rat and present DH tells me I am the love of his life every day! I know which one I would rather have!

flyingspaghettimonster · 29/05/2011 16:07

have to agree with those that think the full-blown romantic type are often cheating love rats... we have friends where the guy is always posting soppy stuff about his wonderful wife on facebook, and buying random flowers 'just because' - he used to confide in me all about the crushes he has had on other women through the years and even though he hasn't actively been cheating on his wife, he emotionally cheats a lot. Which I personally think is as bad.

Would rather have a less romantic man I could be sure of...

fairydoll · 29/05/2011 16:40

YABVU-that would be a good b/day for me! card, wine, flowers presents from your dad and friends and your DH arranging a babysitter to take you out!

Joolyjoolyjoo · 29/05/2011 16:56

I'm another who is suspicious of overly romantic men! Which is probably why I'm married to a very unromantic one. He would never buy me flowers, and never surprise me with a night out. But he will scrub the bathroom without being asked, hoover, make dinner etc.

I'm quite surprised at how seriously people here take their brithdays! I am usually working on mine, get a couple of cards and a book or such. I really couldn't care less. But i guess if it's the kind of thing you usually do make a fuss about, it's not unreasonable to expect more. Just seems strange to me.

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 29/05/2011 17:08

exactly fairydoll !
I'd love to go out for a nice meal - must see what I can organise on that front !

Chandon · 29/05/2011 17:59

sorry, yes, birthday diva.

Birthdays are for kids IMHO.

Brightredstar · 29/05/2011 18:14

YABU birthdays are for kids. Usually I get a card go to work and life goes on. NO big deal.

StuckInTheMiddleWithYou · 29/05/2011 18:34

I can't believe that there are grown women who weep because their partners don't book the restaurant in advance.

LeQueen · 29/05/2011 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AngryFeet · 29/05/2011 19:24

Hmm not sure if you are BU really. I mean you did get flowers and a night out offered. His attitude during the day seems a bit Hmm though.

Personally I always make my own plans for my birthday - organise a night out with friends and then do a dinner or show with DH on another night. Not because I don't expect anyone else to do it right more just because I know what I want to do and don't really expect anything from anyone except for a "Happy Birthday" and maybe a card and a present.

cordyblue · 29/05/2011 19:31

Get a grip!
It was my birthday on Friday, and I got a tiny bar of chocolate from my DH and you know what, I couldn't care less!!! He's been working flat out for weeks and weeks.
I don't make a fuss now about b/days. My 30th was so bad as I'd just lost my Mum and it was right before her funeral and quite frankly, I'll make a massive fuss of my own kid's birthdays but really once an adult, you have to move beyond the princessy stage. I spent a good portion thinking about my Mum and missing her. And I played with the kids. I cancelled my babysitter as we were so shattered and we all had a takeaway together with the kids staying up a bit late. And I rebooked the babysitter for next weekend and we're going out to the theatre then.
If you wanted something special, you should have booked it or mentioned it or planned it with him before.

Portofino · 29/05/2011 19:34

YABU. Once you get past 21 birthdays aren't something to make such a big fuss over - at least til you hit the big 4-0. Normally I would say to DH - it's my/your birthday/our wedding anniversary/valentines day next week, what are we going to do to celebrate? That could be book a babysitter and go out, or have nice dinner at home, or go out for lunch en famille- bank balance permitting. I would never expect a big fuss made.