.. to think that this is the crappiest birthday I ever had?

[paulapantsdown]

Ok, I know I am not a child, and I don't expect balloons and chocolate cake, but this has been my worst birthday ever. I will explain and you tell me if I am being an idiot to feel so down about this please.

We all went to a friends house for drinks/dinner last night, and lovley friend who's house it was gave me a card and little (very thoughtful) present. Everyone was asking me what I was doing for my birthday, had DH planned anything special etc. I could only answer 'I don't know' as he had not mentioned my birthday to me or the kids up to this point. He muttered something along the lines of "yeah, we are going out".

So, I go home with the kids, he stays behind drinking and comes home at 1am and sleeps in the spare room so as not to wake me. Get up this morning and get handed a - bottle of wine - from the fridge, and a card signed from the kids (not DH) that I had seen on the counter in friends house. She is going to a birthday party tonight and had obv bought this card for it. No card from DH, as he obv had not been to a shop and had just asked the friend for the other card.

Two hour later bunch of flowers arrive from the florists around the corner, again with a card with just the kids names on. DH then announces that he has the teenager next door to sit with the kids tonight so that we can go for a meal in his favourite restuarant. He hasn't actually booked a table, but is sure they keep tables free for show up. This place is 20 miles away. I suggest that instead of risking not getting in, maybe we could do something with the kids. He says 'yeah ok whatever'.

So I am so upset by this point that I go back to bed and have a little cry.

Another dear friend and a my cousin (who is like a sister to me), arrive with thoughtful, prettily wrapped gifts. Nothing too expensive, but thoughtful and lovely. After they leave, we all pop over to my dads house who gives me a card with some cash in it and tells me that it was a good job my cousin had reminded him 30 minutes before that it was my birthday as he had forgotten!

The rest of the afternoon goes by like any other Saturday and now they are all downstairs watching the football.

At 6pm, DH says that the babysitter had texted and were we going out or what? I said no thanks.

His birthday last year :
tickets for Paul Weller (ordered 2 months before birthday)
slippers he needed and had pointed out in shop
some of his favourite chocolates
table booked at nice pub for sunday lunch
a card from me and one from the kids

AIBU to feel totally unappreciated and an afterthought on what should be a day I should be made feel a little bit special by the person who is supposed to love me most? Its the same day every year and yet he obviously forgot until yesterday.

Its not about the cash spent (or not) - just the thoughtlessness that really hurts, and the assumption that a last minute bunch of flowers and a meal out would do - I really would have been happier with a bunch of carnations from the supermarket and a nice lunch made at home - but I was never ASKED what I might like to do, and no thought was put into anything for me.

Am I being a brat?

"It's how you are treated all year round that matters, not on one day"

Wish there was a "like" button for that post!

You didn't get the meal out because you decided not to go! Why didn't you phone and book a table somewhere - he arranged a babysitter

I think your DH made a decent effort tbh ...
He got you a card signed by DC's, he organised some flowers for you (and another card from the DC's, so they must have gone to the florists with him ?)
He booked a baby-sitter and planned a meal out ( you could have suggested he phone to check they had a table if you were concerned ?)
More than many DH's would do.
Girls/women are generally better at these tokens of affection than men.
(Your Father needed reminding by your cousin didn't he ?)
Cut him some slack and thank him for what he has done if you can.
And thank your DC's and friends, and remember it's not all about your DH's contribution to the day.
Perhaps you can make it a birthday weekend, and work together to make tomorrow a happier day for all.

Happy Birthday!

YANBU. But some people just don't get the whole birthday thing. Has DH been like this before? Going to his fav restaurant - does he think its yours too?

You're not being a brat because it clearly isn't about the presents - you weren't expecting the world, just to be acknowledged by your husband, and you weren't. That sucks.

he made arrangements with a babysitter, thats making an effort

If I didn't remind my OH that my birthday was coming up, I doubt I'd get so much as a card from him or DD.

We don't tend to do much for birthdays other than for DD. I used to make a fuss of OH's birthday, but soon realised he wasn't actually all that interested - his family barely acknowledge adult birthdays at all to be honest. OH would happily spend as much as necessary to get what I wanted if I told him what it was, but then surely that's missing the point and I might as well just buy it myself.

I would say YAB slightly U, given that he gave you wine, a card and offered a meal. I know lots of people are quite precious about birthdays, but if you step back and think about it, it's just marking the date you were born and doesn't mean a lot in the grand scheme of things!

Happy birthday! It's mine today as well. My DH was great to me. Kids were OK, can be a bit 'here's your present' on goes the Xbox ... but they enjoyed the meal out together just now.

I don't much like birthdays for some reason. I think I've got used to them being a bit flat. YANBU, but it could have been worse. What's he like to you the rest of the year? it's nearly over anyway.......

OP I hear what you are saying - you wanted your DH to make an effort.
Taking a card from your friends house is poor.

If it helps - I had major major birthday this week and no one other than my DH and son - who both live with me made an effort.

Usually I throw a party and pay for my friends to go out to dinner and drinks - I pay for it all. They are not expected to pay for anything. This year I did not throw a big party or anything because earlier this year I found myself out for of work for the first time in my life and so I did not feel I could justify the expense.

I had planned instead to invite friends around to mine over a different weekend instead, so it would not be as expensive and this would be a bit after my birthday due to work arrangements, but since no one got in touch I've decided against it.

Anyhow on the day, I worked, with truly awful people and worked a long day. But my DH did get me a lovely card and flowers - and he also made a lovely home made card with my son and I was glad to have a job.

My family live overseas and not one of them got in touch, but to be honest it is always me doing the calling. I got 2 Happy Birthday texts from 2 friends. A couple of lovely cards arrived from people I had worked with 5 years ago arrived. Not one person called me.

And maybe some of the friends were friends because I know how to throw a good party. Nothing wrong in that.

And I remember thinking - I have my health, and what if I didn't have my DH and son - it would mean that I would not have anyone to share the day with.

But I realised I am very happy in my marriage and I have my health and you know what - presents do not matter - not one bit. What matters is if people care.

Happy Birthday OP

YANBU - some people don't make a big deal about birthdays and that's their choice, but they are are important to you. You're not asking for an expensive present, just a small gift but given with thought and affection, it makes all the difference.

On my 30th, DH and I went away for the weekend with my parents and DS. (This was organised and paid for by me, as it coincided with some money coming my way!) On the actual day, DH gave me a card - but no present from either him or DS, who was only 2. I was (foolishly!) thinking that he would give me something later when we all went out for a meal, but he didn't and I have to say I was so hurt. He said he hadn't had time - a bar of chocolate from the hotel reception would have been OK, just to know he had actually thought about it and put some effort in. I let him know in no uncertain terms how hurt I felt and he has since realised that birthdays may not be important to him, but they certainly are to me, and he has made an effort since.

You should let him know how thoughtless he has been and how hurt you feel - it's not much to ask once a year!

OP out of interest, how old are you?

Throwing a few quid down on the counter of a flower shop round the corner this morning does not constitute an effort

See, read that back for a second and think how it sounds. You're even throwing that back in his face as well as the fact he organised a sitter and offered to take you out for a meal.

You could re-write the words in bold as He very kindly went to the local florist, chose some flowers for me and paid for them

But of course it's up to you what you want to make of it......

You got a card from the children given to your DH the night before by your friend, a bottle of wine that was already in the fridge that you'd probably bought yourself and a bunch of flowers probably ordered that morning. The meal sounds like it was only thought up on the day too. I'd say that's pretty poor. A lack of any thought or preparation. I'd give him the same consideration on his next birthday. YANBU.

Worraliberty says it all....well done. You are being so unreasonable! Grow up!

Happy happy birthday, hope you're enjoying your wine!

I see what you mean about the lack of consideration, your op reads as though he's been a bit half-hearted compared to you with his. I'd also be a bit hurt.

It isn't about the money spent, or the actual gift, more that it was half hearted.

I do appreciate that many people have far worse birthdays but it's all relative and not a competition.

It depends though doesn't it?

If OPs husband went to the local florist and picked out her favourite flowers then that's an effort. Phoning the local florist and just giving a price limit and the orders of 'something nice' doesn't quite cut the same image.

OP, I get what you are saying it is about the thought that your DH put into it. As you have clearly put thought into his presents you were expecting the same.

But he did try and make an effort WRT dining out. I understand why you were upset but unless you specifically communicated this to him he will just think you are being an ungrateful grumpy so and so.

I don't think it's all bad, but it could have been better. Which I think was the point.

Oh I forgot to say happy birthday.

Happy birthday :)

YANBU reading your posts all you want is your DH to show you he cares about you by caring about your birthday. In no way does that you make you a brat. Happy Birthday.

I sort of understand how you're feeling, but...

You saw lots of people on your birthday. Your DH was pretty rubbish tbh, but everyone else seem to have been lovely. Weird that your dad forgot, he didn't really need to tell you that.

On my birthday I saw no one except DD (2yrs old) until her dad came to pick her up at 6pm and gave me a Boots giftcard and a promise to take me out for lunch the following weekend. A month later it still hasn't happened. Oh and I spoke to my mum on the phone for 5 mins. Now that was crappy. I didn't have any 'birthday atmosphere' iyswim, whereas you did.

I'd say next year give your DH the same treatment as he gave you this year. That's obviously how he thinks birthdays should be done.

Reindeer OP says he 'threw the money down on the counter' (though how she could have known that is beyond me) so he obviously went and picked them out.

Apologies Worral. I missed that bit.

Fair point, he was making the effort then.

OP - you're not being unreasonable. I too hate sloppy efforts.

what i'd give to have a dp with sloppy efforts like those!

"He's bought you flowers, given you a card and offered to take you to dinner. Other people have also given you cards and gifts...and you 'had a little cry'?? "

My thoughts exactly! Your expectations are too high.

If you have something specific in mind, then communicate it, or even organise it yourself.

My uncle had a significant birthday recently. He organised the whole thing himself. It was fab and we all had a ball. If you organise it yourself, you will get it just the way you want it.

And refusing to go out for the meal was just silly. Couldn't you have made reservations once you DH mentioned where you would go? Now he is likely to be annoyed with you for refusing to you, and you are already annoyed with him. Who wants those feeling on their birthday? If you went, you might have had a nice time. That was what you call 'cutting off your nose to spite your face'.

YANBU. My DH always pulls the "well what do you want?" and gets all stroppy when I can't answer within 10 seconds. Actually, I would like him to spend 5 minutes thinking what I might like. It was my birthday on Tuesday and he didn't get me anything - not even a bloody card. Still an improvement on last year when we all had D+V though!