To ignore DSS's Mum's demands about food because I just can't cope?

[balia]

DSS is a vegetarian. I'm not, neither is DH, but we respect his Mum's choices and feed him a veggie diet when he is with us. There has always been quite a high level of anxiety about food (MH issues) and we've always tried hard to make sure DSS is comfortable and secure that he is being fed according to his mother's wishes (she went through a phase of examining his stools - sorry, TMI).

But now she has informed DH she is going to become a vegan. She wants DSS to be fed a vegan diet and what's more, she is going to be an 'ethical vegan' so no foods flown in from other countries, apparently, even as ingredients in other food (so no Mango yoghurt, which was the example given - but surely yoghurt would be out anyway as it is dairy?).

Oh God. I just cannot deal with this. I work full time, (as does DH) we have two other DC's, one doing GCSE's right now and the other just about to start Reception. We do our level best to keep everyone fed a healthy and nutritious diet, on a budget, including my Mum who lives with us. I find it hard to manage doing an alternative meal as it is, I just can't cope with trying to work out what the hell DSS can eat now. DH says we'll just have to go along with her and feed him as we do now - but he is already asking questions about where different foods come from.

AArgh.

EttiKetti - my friend is vegan and overweight. As far as I can tell she subsists mainly on chips. I'm presuming you can get ethical potatoes.

What a bizarre sentence that was.

Haven't read this thread in it's entirety but what is jumping out at me is that DSS's mum would seem to have MH issues which are impacting on her son.

Is there any support there for him? SS etc? Doesn't sound like a good environment for him and not good if he grows up learnign to have a difficult relationship with food. How far reaching ar eher MH issues???

I'm just really worried about this wee boy tbh and it would also seem that relationships between the adults is also difficult. I.e. neither you nor your DH/DP really feel comfortable about saying we will stick to the vegetarian agreement, but cannot agree to the 'ethical veganism', therefore don't really feel up to standing up for him as such.

I do not mean this in any critical kind of way but just felt th need to point out the apparently complex nature of the relationships and the difficulties it could be bringing for both your DSS and you and DH/DP.

I hope you can get it resolve dand really hope that te little boy is getting some independent support. xx

Clyt sorry for being bizarre, I know lots of vegetarians, DH was one for 18 years, but none ate remotely overweight, very blinkered of me tho I realise.

EttiKetti - did't mean you were bizarre, sorry! Just meant that the idea of an ethical potato was a strange one Like a potato which had a strong sense of morals.

DH is vegetarian and (a little) overweight. It's entirely down to curry and beer. :)

I think, if this were me, I would probably cook vegan food for everyone and then at the end throw in some meat/dairy for the rest of the family if they wanted it. But I would be very worried for the child because you have to be so careful with a vegan diet to make sure they get all they need and tbh your life sounds a bit like mine, very pushed for time! I would also be worried about how far his mother will try to push the boundaries.

GUTTED! Withy Kitchen were brilliant when my vegan friend found herself alone with four kids when her partner died suddenly! They sorted her out with a load of stuff to stick in the fridge and freezer whilst the whole family were in horrendous turmoil.

Sorry Balia.

LOTF neither my GSDs, my Lab, my cats or my pet ferret are veggie. My logic is that I, as a human, have the capacity to understand the morals, so will (and have) my DC as they grow older. My pets do not. For them, it's a (forgive the pun) dog eat dog world.

Me? I'd like to think that, for want of a better term, I'm more evolved. Also that the availability of veggie dog food is limited as is scientific reason to give it and that for cats (and presumably ferrets, whose dietry needs are surprisingly and comparitively complex) a non meat diet is unhealthy. THEY don't know better, I do. All I can do is my bit and hope it saves at least one cow or chicken along the way. There are others who go further, I bow down to their dedication and ability, but I'm not in their number.

As I said, that's just MY logic and badly expressed but I hope it makes sense. I often get asked it when people discover that I have brought my children up as veggie since birth.

Clyt ha my mistake then, I agree re ethical potato....how many times are you going to write that in your lifetime?!

I worked for a family who gave their dog vegetarian food but they weren't vegetarian themselves.She ate the same food as Paul McCartneys dogs.
Our cat wasn't vegetarian because they can't be,
Our children aren't -DS eats minimal chicken and the odd sausage, but DD eats everything LOL

vallhala, makes complete sense to me - I'm a vegetarian but I wouldn't be mad enough to try to put my cat on a veggie diet. (Although he does try to nick pizza/pasta/cereal/toast from our plates - I don't think he's read the books that explain cats are strict carnivores...)

My cats do that too, edam!

They will tell you that I don't feed them.

They lie! Cats are evil to we servants, evil I tell ya!

Ours used to bring us in dead mice to 'tempt' us.
Like people who waft a bacon sarnie under my nose to see if I will pounce on it.
FFS I have been vegetarian for 30 years by my own choice. Do you think I'm going to suddenly snap and eat your dead things?

I know a grossly overweight teen boy who is a lifelong veggie, and his cousin a lifelong veggie who is morbidly obese, and at the top end of that ie almost losing mobility in her teens.
So it is perfectly possible. One thing I have seen them eat often is huge doorsteps of brown bread with stacks of butter on (yum). Masses of calories and called 'a slice of bread'; sounds harmless but it is a massive portion.

I am a residential parent; the DCs go to their father's every second weekend. When they are with me, my way of doing things is the way things are done. When they're with him, like it or lump it, he does things his way. He gets no say in what I do and I get no say in what he does. It would be unreasonable for either of us to try to impose our way of doing things, foodwise, on the other. I would like to see them eating far less sugary snacks, and certainly would like to see them having no fizzy drinks while with exH, but I am not a control freak and I do not want to engage in power games with exH.

I would do what PenguinArmy suggested (she pays or she sends food) or try to sit down with her and insist that his father has a right to feed the DSS whatever is going in his house. Because imo he does.

I think the OP said when the mother sent food, it was completely unsuitable, so she doesn't want to do that again.
I think it is the adults she is controlling as well as the child. I would say carry on as you are, providing appropriate veggie meals, and don't be bullied by her.
You know her requirements are a fiction in order to be difficult, so let her know you know.

math, I too am a resident parent (with a feckless, uncaring ex-husband, but that's by the by). When I consulted a solicitor years ago I was told that as the parent with care day to day issues such as what my DDs eat are within MY control and only greater matters such as education are something which my ex could have a say in. Even then, I was told (although this was about 12 years ago so things may have changed) if he had an issue with, say, my decision to send the DDs to home ed or to bring them up as Catholics, he would have to go to Court to contest the matter if we couldn't agree or compromise.

As far as I understand it, if you wanted to insist on your DC not having cola and dad disagreed, he could, if he wanted, and unlikely as it is, refer to court and you'd probably lose unless it was your DCs sole drink or diet and thus a real problem. However if you were a veggie family and dad argued he might, if you put up a good case, have less chance of success. However of course the OP understandably doesn't want to take this route so compromise has got to be the better solution. Besides, as I said, if she genuinely IS pro veggie or vegan, she might, as I would, create merry hell about her morals being ignored and that wouldn't be pleasant for anyone.

I think that IF this is still the case the Dad here won't have much say in the matter unless he wants to escalate the issue into the court again.

I'd take DSS to a dietician to get some professional advice about a vegan diet, how to make sure he gets all his nutrients and some meal plans. That way his mum cannot say you are not supportive and you have some good advice to hand if any weird demands come from his mum.

You could also make it your DH's job to sort out DSS's meals when he's with you.

I feel really sorry for the boy :( why is he so overweight? At that age it's still the parents in control. What does he eat at home?

What are the mother's MH issues? They are seriously impacting on his health, it seems.

Regarding the food she sent with him before - how do you mean 'unsuitable'? Was it really unhealthy/fattening?

"Orthorexia".... a term coined by Steven Bratman, a Colorado MD, to denote an eating disorder characterized by excessive focus on eating healthy foods. In rare cases, this focus may turn into a fixation so extreme that it can lead to severe malnutrition or even death..

A bad enough problem for an individual with this particular obsession but very concerning if the try to transfer the obsession to their child.

I am in awe of the understanding and ability to accommodate crazy demands that most of you people are able to accept. If I was the kid's step-mum, I would leave it very clear that in my house, we are all meatarians. If she does not like it, she can send her kid with his own food in a tupperware.

I also fully support NonTheWiser's point: why is the OP having to deal with all this food craze when it's not even her son? Why is the dad not dealing with it?

I too would think that when at dhs home the child eats what they have, if it isn't a case of allergies. Obviously you coul d cater for veggie as there are meat substitutes but it certainly isn't up to her to dictate this sort of thing to you and for once I do think your dh needs to stand up to this woman and let her know that you will give ds what you will give him when he lives with you.xx

Sorry guys - went to bed - thanks so much for all the responses. Trying to clear a few things up...we are not vegetarian, but have nothing against a vegetarian diet, have always been quite happy to respect DSS's mum's choices in that regard. However, the MH issues affect shopping, preparing, storage of food and eating habits. Certain amounts have to be bought and eaten, in a certain order, things like that. In the very early days when DH was trying to sort out contact, DSS's mum provided his food. It was not that the food itself was unsuitable, but there was such a high level of anxiety over it (he was told over and over he had to eat this food and only this food, in a certain order, and was too young to understand that it was OK to eat it if it had been put into the fridge, for example) and it caused so much conflict - constant accusations that he hadn't eaten it, or not in the right order, or the leftovers had been thrown away and she wanted them back etc - that the court agreed with DH that it was harmful and that he simply had to agree to feed DSS an ordinary veggie diet (which DH had always been happy to do anyway).

As to his weight - when I said his diet was limited, I meant in terms of variety, not amounts, and currently they aren't vegan, and he eats a lot of mash/chips/bread/cheese/biscuits. So the idea that embracing the vegan diet might well be better for him is a good one. However, in terms of the MH issues causing this sudden problem with control over his meals, as Valhalla so shrewdly points out, trying to follow her wishes will only lead to further and further demands. I think we'll have to tough it out a bit. She won't block contact, I don't think, but DSS will definitely take the brunt of it. It does occur to us that DH has been asking about increasing holiday time and this may by a reaction to that.

Finally - I happen to do the cooking in our house, because I like it and am good at it. DH does his fair share of the housework - I would be pretty annoyed if he suddenly said he wasn't going to do DD's washing, for example, because she isn't his child - we're a family.