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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ignore DSS's Mum's demands about food because I just can't cope?

126 replies

balia · 27/05/2011 20:38

DSS is a vegetarian. I'm not, neither is DH, but we respect his Mum's choices and feed him a veggie diet when he is with us. There has always been quite a high level of anxiety about food (MH issues) and we've always tried hard to make sure DSS is comfortable and secure that he is being fed according to his mother's wishes (she went through a phase of examining his stools - sorry, TMI).

But now she has informed DH she is going to become a vegan. She wants DSS to be fed a vegan diet and what's more, she is going to be an 'ethical vegan' so no foods flown in from other countries, apparently, even as ingredients in other food (so no Mango yoghurt, which was the example given - but surely yoghurt would be out anyway as it is dairy?).

Oh God. I just cannot deal with this. I work full time, (as does DH) we have two other DC's, one doing GCSE's right now and the other just about to start Reception. We do our level best to keep everyone fed a healthy and nutritious diet, on a budget, including my Mum who lives with us. I find it hard to manage doing an alternative meal as it is, I just can't cope with trying to work out what the hell DSS can eat now. DH says we'll just have to go along with her and feed him as we do now - but he is already asking questions about where different foods come from.

AArgh.

OP posts:
QuintessentialOldMoo · 27/05/2011 21:06

Does the boys father have NO say?

Is it even recommended to feed a growing child a vegan diet?

If she is doing this just for control, it should be tackled, rather than his food.

PenguinArmy · 27/05/2011 21:08

There is nothing wrong with a vegan diet for children. Like any diet it is easy to not to good stuff, but no harder being vegan just different.

Maryz · 27/05/2011 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
balia · 27/05/2011 21:13

Sorry - can't keep up! DH has no say in DSS's diet - he provided a thing to the court to say DSS would be fed a veggie diet whilst with us (which is 3 w/ends a month) and Cafcass were very clear that it was the Resident Parent's decision. DSS also has no say in his own diet or food choices. We were already worried before this about DSS's limited diet as he is seriously overweight, goodness knows what is going to happen now.

OP posts:
activate · 27/05/2011 21:16

I would tell her to provide all food for the entire weekend otherwise you will continue to offer him the vegetarian food

it is a huge responsiblity ensuring a vegan child gets adequate nutrition

honeybee007 · 27/05/2011 21:18

Surely you have to follow a court order,which means you could continue with vegetarian diet until his mum got another court order for vegan diet? Or does it not work that way?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/05/2011 21:18

Overweight?....

PenguinArmy · 27/05/2011 21:23

With a vegetarian diets it is incredibly easy to have too much fat (a lot of stuff comes automatically with cheese). Honestly it is really easy to make cheap healthy vegan meals. lentil dals, bean curries packed with veg. I would draw the line at ethically sourced if cost is a issue, but the vegan part really doesn't have to be hard or expensive. In fact if you're family has vegan meals for those weekends it can help reduce your food bill as well.

Maryz · 27/05/2011 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vallhala · 27/05/2011 21:23

I'm vegan and know how hard it can be for a busy person to find a varied vegan diet at normal shops. I can't imagine what it would be like for you, who is neither veggie or vegan.

My children are lifelong vegetarians - the real McCoy, no fish, no cheese made of animal rennet or sweets made of gelatine. I can tell you this honestly... if anyone deliberately fed my DC they would A). never see my children again, regardless of relationship to them and B). be watching their backs for a bloody long time. I would be incandescent with rage so can understand to a point the mother being the same BUT... this ethically sourced thing is a nonsense. It's nigh on impossible to check with many standard supermarket items and would be the point where I personally drew the line. Maybe that's the compromise? Vegan yes, ethically sourced as much as possible where there's a choice, fine, but no fecking more than that!

Quint, the father does have no say if the mother is the main carer. He only has a say over the more major things, such as a child's religion or education, not day to day things such as diet.

BTW, there is nothing wrong with a good vegan diet for a child and it's a fallacy (spread by the meat trade? Who knows!) to say otherwise.

Original poster
balia · 27/05/2011 21:26

Please don't think I am being critical/judgemental about vegetarianism or veganism. It is the combination of vegan/ethical/anxiety that makes it so difficult. I hadn't even thought about whether beans/pulses etc would not be ethical and I don't know what orthorexia is...

We could say 'get a court order' but that is just going to lead to conflict. DSS has obviously been talked to about the ethical veganism, but it hasn't started at his mum's yet.

OP posts:
jeckadeck · 27/05/2011 21:40

sorry but this is absolutely ridiculous. You can't be expected to bend over backwards to accommodate people's neuroses like this. Tell her to make her own bloody ethical vegan food bangs head on keyboard.

Vallhala · 27/05/2011 21:41

Didn't think for a moment that you were being critical, balia. :) On the contrary, most vegans just appreciate that non-vegans don't know what to offer them. Most hosts, when they learn that I'm vegan, certainly have a few "Oh shit, what on earth do I feed her on!" moments!

QuintessentialOldMoo · 27/05/2011 21:42

Not even when the child is at his house?

(Am just baffled as to my sister has no say in what her ex feeds or does with their dd when she is at his place, and neither has the dd herself, and she is 16....)

Original poster
balia · 27/05/2011 21:44

Valhalla DH and I have worked hard to educate ourselves about vegetarianism and to stop well-meaning rellies (notably DH's mum and Dad) from feeding DSS gelatine sweeties etc. For me, it is a question of respect, not just for DSS's Mum as a mother, but for DSS - he may not have chosen vegetarianism himself but he sees himself as a vegetarian and I would never seek to undermine that. It has been very hard, over the years, to be repeatedly accused of feeding DSS non-veggie foods, and to have DSS interrogated about what he has eaten, when we have done our absolute best to maintain a diet that she would wish for him. Having said that, the judge did specify that we did not have to provide anything beyond a vegetarian diet in order to free us from the food rituals/control/MH issues that prior to that had been a major part of the issues with food. I am concerned that DSS's Mum is trying to regain control, foodwise, by making it so difficult for us to feed DSS that she can again provide food. She has been under a lot of stress and there have been problems with her older son recently - her MH issues are always worse in times of stress and we often see an increase in ritual/compulsive behaviour.

OP posts:
manicbmc · 27/05/2011 21:46

Feed him a vegan diet by all means but if he asks where something has come from I'd be very tempted to lie. Which I know is terrible but at least he is eating vegan stuff then even if it isn't ethically sourced.

If she wants ethically sourced she can provide the food.

Or make a big pot of seasonal veg stew/soup, chuck in some lentils and pulses and feed him that for the weekend.

BuntyPenfold · 27/05/2011 21:46

I think it is about control not veganism, by what you say.
And if you go along with the new tighter rules, she will invent some more for you to follow....

ravenAK · 27/05/2011 21:48

Hmmm.

I think I'd ask for a list of acceptable foods/providers, & give it a go, at least.

Tbh, if the boy's overweight, cutting out dairy might not be at all a bad thing.

(I say this as a fat vegetarian who eats too much cheese & yogurt & chocolate & is considering going vegan at least for a bit.)

whackamole · 27/05/2011 21:49

Is she going to demand a list of where you bought said tomatoes/beans/lentils etc?

Just interested as to how she proposes to enforce the 'ethical' part of the veganism - surely it's just not possible.

Vallhala · 27/05/2011 21:52

I'm no expert AT ALL on these things, just a PITA who doesn't eat dead things, but what you say about the food control/MH issues and the mum's reaction to stress certainly would tie in, wouldn't they?

Is there anyone who could act as a "negotiator" within the families or who could throw more light on it? As you'd imagine, I'm all for veganism/veggie-ism to the point of being happy to swing for anyone who deliberately fed my girls meat but I'm beginning to wonder... if you go ahead with this AND accommodate the ethical sourcing nonsense, what next? Something else which gives the mother more control?

Vallhala · 27/05/2011 21:54

Big pot of veg and lentil stew for the weekend sounds good to me btw. I'm on my way to your house!

:o

Maryz · 27/05/2011 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PaisleyLeaf · 27/05/2011 22:05

I think you've hit the nail on the head with the control thing.
Scary though - when it's the boy's wellbeing.
The mind boggles as to what he can eat then without soya etc.
I think you're going to have to get advice. You'd feel awful if his health suffered.

kaid100 · 27/05/2011 22:07

It might be worth investigating the legality of her insisting ethical veganism now. It was previously established she would be vegetarian and you agreed to abide by that.. does that automatically mean you have to abide by veganism too? What does the daughter herself actually want to eat? Has she had the chance to put her own view forward?

Secondly, even if she can insist you provide DSD with Vegan food, can she really insist it is all from what she considers to be "ethical" sources in that they weren't flown in? It may be that can't insist the food comes from a particular place.

BuntyPenfold · 27/05/2011 22:13

Do some controlling of your own? Grow or exchange your own tomatoes, mangoes, almonds, rice, whatever:)
Put them in the freezer/jars/storecupboard. Have enough for every meal all year.
Assure all questioners that you ethically sourced the food.

What can she do, call in a forensic team?

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