to have had an abortion and feel ZERO shame or regret

[GetOrfMoiCase]

In AIBU because it is a popular topic. I know I am not being unreasonable.

Thread is in response to a report I heard on the news yesterday which was shamefully presented, regarding abortion access.

There is a thread on MN currently about it www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/1222273-Chipping-away-at-abortion-rights-govt-appoints-Life-as-sexual-health-adviser

Apparently there is a twitter thingummy going around 'I had an abortion' for people to discuss guilt free abortions.

Just thought it would be appropriate to have a thread on here for people put a positive side of abortion.

My story: got pregnant 5 years ago. My dd was 10. I was in a relationship of 6 months duration and had recently started a new job. Condom failure. My partner and I agreed that we didn't want a baby, I booked an abortion and had it without a backward glance. No emotional fall out afterwards. No guilt.

I fully support the OP posting this in AIBU, and the title of the thread.

I got pregnant at the end of my PhD, at 35, with an already 15 year old DD. I had the baby, i got severe pnd, haven't worked since - DD is 5 now and i still cant get a job. We are in debt and life is tough just now. My DD is playing with glitter all over my (ruined) kitchen table and i adore her - AIBU for not feeling an ounce of regret?

Im sorry but whilst i would support any woman who makes the DIFFICULT decision to terminate a pregnancy, i can't help but feel about it being spoken about in such a trivial way. No one is saying you should be wracked with guilt and regret - you absolutely shouldnt, in fact if you think you might, i dont think an abortion is the right step for you but to treat it so matter of fact, its very sad.

Zimbabwe. Nothing to do with Mugabe, mind, this is smack on for attitudes to women and children in many southern African countries.

I know someone in Botswana who did her own abortion with a broom whisker so as not to be expelled from school (aged 19-ish).

But Sunshine, for me it wasn't at all a difficult decision. I regret being in that situation, but not my response to it.

Do you support me less because I wasn't sad?

"Im sorry but whilst i would support any woman who makes the DIFFICULT decision to terminate a pregnancy, i can't help but feel about it being spoken about in such a trivial way. No one is saying you should be wracked with guilt and regret - you absolutely shouldnt, in fact if you think you might, i dont think an abortion is the right step for you but to treat it so matter of fact, its very sad."

Agree with the above. I also dislike the flippant attitudes with which many people treat this issue, as if they were practically skipping away merrily from the hospital following an abortion. And it really shouldn't be seen as a contraception method. And what is wrong with doing a bit of contemplating and soul searching, and perhaps feeling a little guilt after ending a life? Should such an important thing be as easy as having lunch?

I didn't find it a difficult decision either, in fact I don't feel I made the decision really. I was pregnant, I wasn't having the baby.
In fact I called my bf (ldr) and told him that exactly.

It was a horrific time, I hated being in that position but it wasn't hard to decide what to do.

Ok here's my view I had one many years ago and I still feel guilty about it.
The abortion I had to have as I take Tegretol for epilepsy and this can cause problems. I was advised to do it, yes I still think of it and I feel guilty. But that's me everyone is diff. And everyone's reason is diff xx

I don't think it's on to try to dictate what people should feel, and to judge them if they don't feel as you do/as you think they should.

Marianne there's nothing wrong with contemplating and soul-searching if you feel the need to. Personally and philosophically, I did not. Which means we're different, not that I'm wrong.

And in no way is it as easy as having lunch. Painful, frightening, undignified and delayed. A world away from a quick sarnie, I assure you.

But stillfrazzled, you did feel regret - i think it is absolutely right that you shouldn't feel sad after the event. But as Marianne says, it is a situation that calls for some soul searching and i don't actually believe that women don't do that. They might say they do, but they don't. Of course, once the decision has been made they must reconcile themselves to the fact that they have made the right choice so whilst its a crap thing to have to do, you shoulnt feel sad if that is your decision.

"And in no way is it as easy as having lunch. "

Nor should it be.

stillfrazzled, i think your last post highlights EXACTLY why abortion shouldnt be trivialised because it is all of those things and no woman should be made to feel guilty for it, but these women who imply that its a walk in the park are doing a great disservice to other women.

I felt regret that I'd been put in that position. I felt regret for having to have such an unpleasant experience. I didn't really feel anything for the foetus, to me it wasn't a child.

FWIW, I miscarried a foetus of exactly the same gestation last year and was utterly devastated. Context and perspective count for a lot - but I still don't feel anything about the first pg.

If anything, I'm gladder now that I did it. My love for my DSs shows me how important it is to want a child, and if I'd gone through with the first pg I wouldn't have got my education, or any of my jobs, or met my husband. No regrets.

And FGS, if I could have had a painless, quick termination, being sure in my own mind that's what needed to happen - who the hell are you or anyone to say it should be made worse, just to make a point?

Is it the new Curse of Eve or something?

"Painful, frightening, undignified and delayed."

That sounds more like KFC than Prêt-à-manger, to be fair.

Because stillfrazzled, it isn't just about you. Many people treat the issue with such nonchalance it is in my opinion a good thing if terminations are not a walk in the park. Surely it is better to be more careful with contraception in the first place?

Who are these 'many people'? Have you met them personally?

Did you get the bit about it not just being about your views, either?

If you don't like abortion, express your disapproval by not having one. Let other women approach the issue with whatever feelings are natural to them. Including not being that upset.

Also, condom failure plus MAP failure means I was careful. But unlucky. Doubt I'm the minority.

And what...?

The many people who have multiple abortions, for example. The many people who don't bother using contraception at all. I've met a couple. But even if I personally hadn't, are you saying there aren't many women who are flippant about contraception and abortion?

Who said I don't like abortion? I absolutely think women should be able to choose to have an abortion if they need to. But I don't think the issue should be treated with flippancy.

And you seem to be saying that I with my point of view need to keep it to myself whereas you with your point of view are allowed to air your opinion.

I don't know anyone who's flippant about contraception. I know plenty who made a mistake, or were unlucky.

And I don't at all think you shouldn't air your views, I just don't think they should dictate what happens to me or my body.

stillfrazzled
^"But Sunshine, for me it wasn't at all a difficult decision. I regret being in that situation, but not my response to it.

Do you support me less because I wasn't sad?"^

If you're fine with it and not sad what sort of support should she give you?

Well it was some sick joke of a park I was made to walk through then, because I didn't enjoy it at all.

But maybe that's a good thing to some folk?

I will say it taught me that Mirena coils fail.

I don't think a lot of people use abortion as the primary form of birth control. But a lot of us were less than careful when young, stupid and possibly drunk. It could easily have been me facing that tough decision, but I have no idea how I would have chosen.

I don't think that means we shouldn't hae a debate about the ethical side though. We don't say "if you don't like theft, express your disapproval by not stealing. Let other people approach the pensioners at cashpoints with whatever feelings are natural to them".

Of course, there is always a case or two when there is a genuinely starving family and a loaf of bread is stolen. But this is the exception. More often is is a young thug bashing a grannie and stealing her pension, or a rogue employee embezzling funds. The difficult thing is to decide on a legal position which is kind and understanding to the starving food thief and yet generally disapproves of (and punishes) the thieves bashing grannies. The regimes who imprison women for miscarrying on the suspicion it might have been a home abortion are equivalent in this story to the policemen who arrest you for having some cash on you and standing near a pensioner incase you got your cash by muggin them. A complete overreaction which occasionally will hit on a few people who did exactly that, but will mostly criminalise a huge number of people who just happened to have cash on them.

And sorry, I know that is implying that people having "section C" abortions are morally equivalent to petty thieves, that is a fault with my imagination and failure to come up with a less emotive analogy. I hope you can see my point despite imperfections in drawing a suitable parallel.