AIBU?
To not tell the new nanny that I think my swinger friend may try to 'recruit' her for grown up playdates.
stupiddilemma · 23/05/2011 12:09
Namechanger, for obvious reasons..
So, here's the dilemma. My friend & her DH (known to us as our kids are at the same nursery) are swingers. Mostly the high-end private party stuff (they're both very glamourous and international) but also occasional 'at home' playdates - including with two of her ex-nannies 
.
She has previously invited my DH & I to join them, and we declined. All still mates though (if slightly more wary ones on our part!).
SOOOOOoooo... she met my new nanny (22, pretty, gregarious) last week and has invited her to bring the kids over to play. The kids are all friends, so it's a perfectly reasonable suggestion. I often take the kids over to play together.
Thing thing is, the nanny is a little young and unguarded, and drops stuff into conversation such as that her and bf go to burlesque clubs together. If she says this stuff in front of my friend, it will be taken as a sign that she is 'open minded' and quite possibly an invite will follow.
If I tip off the nanny to their alternative lifestyle, it's a huge breach of confidence to my friend. AIBU to NOT tell her though?
Alternative is to take my friend aside and be explicit that she's not to make any 'offers' (but by God HOW embarrassing will that conversation be - I've only just got over my blushes from when she propositioned US!)
I have a sense of dooooom about this [sigh].
(and before anyone leaps to too many conclusions, no I do not consider ANY risk to my or her kids. These are responsible, law abiding, loving parents - who just like to shag other people).
stupiddilemma · 23/05/2011 12:20
I know I know. And yes, she might say yes , and TBH I'm not sure I'd even care if she did. Her life, her morals [shrug]. But they all drop off kids at the same school every day 
. If it all came out then our respective families would be the centre of gossip for YEARS. And what if she did shag them, then it got messy (as it often does) and she leaves our employ and I have to fork out another £2k to an agency for a new nanny?
It's doooomed I tell you..
aldiwhore · 23/05/2011 12:23
I think you're overthinking what-ifs... sure step in if your nanny confides in you that she was propositioned and felt uncomfortable, but not with your friends, you can only 'counsell' your nanny.
I'd not interfere unless there's an issue with all of this as her employer.
I'd stay quiet. Your friend might not ask your nanny, if she does your nanny might say yes... you don't know what will happen so I'd stay right out of it.
stupiddilemma · 23/05/2011 12:35
There is no possible way of dropping a hint that wouldn't have her eyes on stalks. But I was of a mind not to tell her and let things be whatever (albeit with my huge sense of dooooom) so glad - if also somewhat amazed - to fund some people agreeing with me 
.
BarbarianMum · 23/05/2011 12:49
I think as long as you are confident that she is not in any danger of coercion from your friends then its fine not to tell her.
As an au pair I was once warned to keep well clear of the business associate of the husband, who came to the house occasionally - he had a well deserved reputation as a sexual predator. But nothing in your post suggests that is a problem here.
DorisIsAPinkDragon · 23/05/2011 12:59
I think I would prefer to have a warning going into a situation like that. I would be a bit miffed if my employer put me in a situation very similar to one where she had been proposistioned. Just a gentle drop into the converstaion about how x's parents have a fairly open relationship.
(not quite sure how I would engineer that tho')
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 23/05/2011 13:08
Your nanny's well over the legal age of consent and, if she's responsible enough to be trusted with the care of your dcs, she's more than capable of being able to make her own choices as to what she does in her spare time.
However, taking into account your dcs need for stability plus the hassle and cost of recruiting nannies, I suggest you go into gossipy mode with your friend, raise the latest hot topic (the footballer/the actor/the banker/the tv star/the journalist), and say that the cast of characters only needs a bishop and a french maid -laugh as if thought has only just occurred to you- or a nanny to have the makings of a Whitehall farce.
Acting again as if original thought has just popped into your head, say no doubt the famous/infamous's domestic staff are required to sign secrecy pledges as part of their contracts of employment - and then joke that unfortunately your lovely nanny is free to reveal all to anyone who'll listen at the school gates.
If your friend has any 'intentions' towards your nanny this might give her pause for thought but, if it doesn't, you'll have no need to reproach yourself if there are tears before or after bedtime.
beesimo · 23/05/2011 13:21
I wonder if the girl in question was your niece if you would tell her or not?
Personally I would always protect anybody working for me from the intentions of gammy people. I wouldn't need to tell nanny because I would say to the couple 'leave the lass alone'.
If nanny chose to meet up with like minded people to do whatever yes it's her business but you don't put/allow the people who work for you to be put in a awkward situations, personally if I was nannys Mam my jaw would be going tight right about now.
Blondeshavemorefun · 23/05/2011 13:25
i dont see the problem - nanny is over legal age, what she does and who she does it with (your friend maybe) is up to her
nanny obv likes the thrill of clubs/possibly sex with others
not my cup of tea , but have a friend who swings and doesnt bother me at all :)
what are you worried about? your nanny or people talking about you/your friend/the nanny?
harrietthespook · 23/05/2011 13:31
I would leave it.
Not becuase she's 22 and a consenting adult - 22 yr olds can often still be pretty young and inexperienced.
BUT I would wonder, if I were the nanny, whether my employer didn't think I had enough sense/judgement to manage this for myself possibly. Or that I seemed like I might like that sort of thing and needed 'warning' it wouldn't be acceptable.
She may well also think you're paranoid/have generally lost it esp if she goes there and the woman is completely normal with her.
Also - you don't really want her thinking that you've warned her so she won't be tempted becuase YOU are doing it and might be there!!!
I realise all of these are hypotheticals but i guess my point is I don't think you will come off well bringing it up and it seems like something which is unlikely to happen.
Lotkinsgonecurly · 23/05/2011 13:31
I really think there's a huge difference between burlesque clubs and sex with others than her bf.
I think its worth dropping into conversation, don't be alarmed type of thing if it happens. But you're happy for her to make up her own mind and you don't want to know!! Any conversations must take place away from kids etc??? Also follow it on from the latest gossip etc.
stupiddilemma · 23/05/2011 13:34
beesimo no, actually I don't think I would forewarn my niece. If she socialised with them and got an offer, it would be hers to accept or refuse and none of my business really. After all they're not predators or evil deviants, they're nice people who take a different view of sexual morality than the mainstream. It's all consensual and clean, and it's not as if it's my responsibility to protect the young of the world from knowledge of the sexual variety life is bound to reveal at some point or another.
JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 23/05/2011 13:34
I think you owe her a heads up, just in case your friends invite her and she doesn't quite understand what they mean.
You have a duty of care to your nanny as her employer - I know shes a big girl now - it's not an age thing - more because you know your friends and your nanny doesn't.
I have no idea how the broach the subject however
harrietthespook · 23/05/2011 13:37
Lilies - if I were the nanny and my employer said that to me I would think it was outrageous, esp if all I'd done is go round for a playdate.
"Is there a big letter 'A' on my pinafore then?!" Hester Prynne stylin'.
Honestly, the OP can't say anything which makes any assumptions about the nanny's behaviour.
Listen to Frak - steer clear.
stupiddilemma · 23/05/2011 13:41
Blondeshavemorefun not worried about the nanny - if she gets an offer she doesn't want to take up, then I'm sure she'll just say no.
Am more worried about her getting an offer, going for it, and then being too embarrassed afterwards to face them at the school gates every day and so leaving me in the lurch OR (possibly worse) saying yes and then afterwards not being 100% discreet about it so we are the centre of gossip for the next god-knows how many years ('Ooh look - there go the kids who's nanny shagged X's parents..')
Sigh.
stupiddilemma · 23/05/2011 13:44
Hester Prynne - very impressed,- had not expected such highbrow literary allusions on a thread about swingers!
Blondeshavemorefun · 23/05/2011 13:44
people will always talk - whether about who shagged who/who is in debt/selling house/losing job :)
sure your nanny will be discreet and if she isnt then maybe not the best person to have as a nanny anyway
but in this girls defense she may not be asked, or even if she did, then is old enough to say no/or go and be discreet about it
i would be very pissed off if my mb said if seeing a friend, be careful as they do x/y/z
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