To not tell the new nanny that I think my swinger friend may try to 'recruit' her for grown up playdates.

[stupiddilemma]

Namechanger, for obvious reasons..

So, here's the dilemma. My friend & her DH (known to us as our kids are at the same nursery) are swingers. Mostly the high-end private party stuff (they're both very glamourous and international) but also occasional 'at home' playdates - including with two of her ex-nannies .

She has previously invited my DH & I to join them, and we declined. All still mates though (if slightly more wary ones on our part!).

SOOOOOoooo... she met my new nanny (22, pretty, gregarious) last week and has invited her to bring the kids over to play. The kids are all friends, so it's a perfectly reasonable suggestion. I often take the kids over to play together.

Thing thing is, the nanny is a little young and unguarded, and drops stuff into conversation such as that her and bf go to burlesque clubs together. If she says this stuff in front of my friend, it will be taken as a sign that she is 'open minded' and quite possibly an invite will follow.

If I tip off the nanny to their alternative lifestyle, it's a huge breach of confidence to my friend. AIBU to NOT tell her though?

Alternative is to take my friend aside and be explicit that she's not to make any 'offers' (but by God HOW embarrassing will that conversation be - I've only just got over my blushes from when she propositioned US!)

I have a sense of dooooom about this [sigh].

(and before anyone leaps to too many conclusions, no I do not consider ANY risk to my or her kids. These are responsible, law abiding, loving parents - who just like to shag other people).

[harrietthespook]

Is her name Hester, anyway? Just out of interest. Back in fashion, that name.

[HalfPastWine]

I agree with Lotkinsgonecurly about dropping it into the conversation.

If I was your employee I would want to know so that I would be ready in case they propostioned me.

What if they do come onto her, she feels really uncomfortable and doesn't feel able to bring it up with you because they are your friends. It could make future play dates with this family's children really uncomfortable.

[stupiddilemma]

I know I know harriet BUT I know this friend has made similar offers to at least two other nursery mums, and one of them is apparently a great kisser . I don't want to have these wonderings every time i open the door to my nanny for the next two years!

[harrietthespook]

The thing is, she could be propositioned by anyone in theory.

If OP is having a word with anyone, it should be with her friends seeing as they're the one's with the track record, so to speak, not the nanny.

[AnyFucker]

your nanny's sex life is none of your business

YABU and an interfering busybody

haven't you got something else to obsess about ?

[ohnoshedittant]

I'm a nanny and would def want to be warned!

Even if she says 'no', she may still be embarrassed seeing them at the school/playdates and it could make her working environment uncomfortable. If she's prepared when they ask she may feel more in control of the situation and less embarrassed/uncomfortable.

I think it depends on the nanny's personality and if you don't know her well enough to be sure she'd be fine with being asked then I'd warn her.

[MarinaIvy]

Nanny has already casually mentioned burlesque clubs, perhaps she's not as innocent as you think, OP!

Hey, maybe she was trying to proposition you! Just sayin'...

If you're really worried about impact on your child's stability, do generally talk to her about that, and how important that is to you (as well as the fact that you think she's doing a good job, wouldn't want to lose her, etc, as appl), to lay the foundation for the fact that if she does these sorts of things with her spare time, it'd better not affect her work. But leave it at that.

[harrietthespook]

Nursery mums though, OP, not the nursery nurses.

Do you think their judgement is really that off? If so, I would just discourage the meet up with the children. That seems easier to orchestrate w/o any risk of freakiness.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Hmm. Your friends are not her employers, BUT they are friends of her employers. Might your nanny feel slightly pressured to appease not upset her employers' friends in case it led to 'sniffyness' over playdates/badmouthing over coffee and so affected her relationship with her employers? Not saying it would, but she couldn't be sure under the circumstances.

I'd give her a heads up - maybe "They might raise this subject with you, they might not; they did with us and we said no, we're still friends so don't feel 'a refusal often offends' hanging over your head."

[stupiddilemma]

I think she'd be fine with being asked. This is not a topic they'd bring up for the first time with the kids running around underfoot in any event. If she gets to know then well enough that she accepts an invite to socialise outside of the under 5s playdate circuit (and so is in a position that the subject can even be raised) then it's none of my business. So decided. IANBU so keep silent about this. Decided.

[oldraver]

I dont see it as a problem if they did get together but as you say your friend is very discretion concious, I would tip her off that you think the nanny may not be.

[thetideishigh]

I'd warn the neighbours that your new Nanny has indicated that she can be a bit of a gossip so "just a heads up on what you may or may not want to chat about in her company, if you know what I mean"

Hopefully your neighbours won't want to risk being outed as swingers at the school gates and will opt to look elsewhere for participants.

If, god forbid, she successfully recruits your new Nanny and tells her what you said about Nanny being a gossip you can defend yourself with your Nanny later by saying "I was just trying to protect you from swingers' advances until you had found your feet round here".

[nijinsky]

I'm sure its possible to warn her without scaring her. Particularly if you keep losing nannies because they get involved in group sex with your friends. It might save you the hassle and cost of finding a new one again, so why not?

What a relief it must be that these "playdates" are "high-end private party stuff, "glamourous" (sic) and "international" and not just a bunch of sleazy middle aged people praying on their much younger staff! I mean, thats all right then! Not at all people like Dominique Strauss Kahn.

[harrietthespook]

do NOT start putting out disparaging comments about your new nanny, like she's a gossip. That is not fair to her at all.

[harrietthespook]

But OP I don't think you would anyway...

[harrietthespook]

Has this poor girl even started the job yet?!

[stupiddilemma]

Yes. She's on her 5th day. She asked me this morning for this friends' mobile number so she coudl set up the playdate, and was raving about how friendly and fun she was. Hence the appeal quick to the mumsnet jury .

[Blondeshavemorefun]

im friendly and fun but i dont jump into bed with other people husbands

[BoffinMum]

Sometimes your sex life is relevant to your working situation.

If I was known for being a member of the swinging community (is community the right word?) then I would probably lose my job in five minutes flat if work found out, because where I work, it is not considered to be morally acceptable for a university lecturer to be known to be involved in this sort of thing, and would be seen as bringing the university's name into disrepute. This is the price you pay for working in a profession that is essentially conservative and which involves children or young people.

I would probably warn the nanny in case she got caught on the hop, and I would also warn my 'friends' that my nanny was off territory for her as far as I was concerned, for reasons to do with the children and the potential for public fallout. Then everyone knows where they stand. I would do the same for drugs, incidentally.

In about 50 years time it might be more acceptable, but in today's society, caution is required.

[BoffinMum]

On a personal note, I have to say I don't get the whole swinging thing. When you see TV programmes about it the men are really yukky looking. We are not talking Brad Pitt here. So why on earth do comparatively attractive, married women want to bother with other people's middle aged, slightly saggy partners?

[BoffinMum]

Blondes, you have clutched me to your virtual bosoms a few times. Perhaps that doesn't count.

[Thingumy]

Your friend sounds predatory

Yuck.

[AxisofEvil]

If I were the nanny, got propositioned and then found the OP had known it might happen I?d be really cross with the OP for not warning me.

[nijinsky]

"On a personal note, I have to say I don't get the whole swinging thing. When you see TV programmes about it the men are really yukky looking. We are not talking Brad Pitt here. So why on earth do comparatively attractive, married women want to bother with other people's middle aged, slightly saggy partners? "

I have to say that I don't either. Its supposed to be one of these things that people would have you believe are terribly glamorous and exciting and free living, when in reality its probably rather sleazy, boring, uncomfortable and dull. But some people have higher sex drives than others, and for some people, sex is their only actitity outside work, so I guess they have to make it into a hobby.

[BoffinMum]

A higher than average sex drive does not need to result in the lowering of one's standards physically, surely?