To not tell the new nanny that I think my swinger friend may try to 'recruit' her for grown up playdates.

[stupiddilemma]

Namechanger, for obvious reasons..

So, here's the dilemma. My friend & her DH (known to us as our kids are at the same nursery) are swingers. Mostly the high-end private party stuff (they're both very glamourous and international) but also occasional 'at home' playdates - including with two of her ex-nannies .

She has previously invited my DH & I to join them, and we declined. All still mates though (if slightly more wary ones on our part!).

SOOOOOoooo... she met my new nanny (22, pretty, gregarious) last week and has invited her to bring the kids over to play. The kids are all friends, so it's a perfectly reasonable suggestion. I often take the kids over to play together.

Thing thing is, the nanny is a little young and unguarded, and drops stuff into conversation such as that her and bf go to burlesque clubs together. If she says this stuff in front of my friend, it will be taken as a sign that she is 'open minded' and quite possibly an invite will follow.

If I tip off the nanny to their alternative lifestyle, it's a huge breach of confidence to my friend. AIBU to NOT tell her though?

Alternative is to take my friend aside and be explicit that she's not to make any 'offers' (but by God HOW embarrassing will that conversation be - I've only just got over my blushes from when she propositioned US!)

I have a sense of dooooom about this [sigh].

(and before anyone leaps to too many conclusions, no I do not consider ANY risk to my or her kids. These are responsible, law abiding, loving parents - who just like to shag other people).

I wouldn't call it 'involving their nannies I would call it corrupting them.

Corrupting

'to degrade with unsound principals or morals'

I wonder OP if their still swinging in 15 years time if their will be wanting to have a crack at your DCs. Don't worry if they do after all its just a few hours of squelching and groaning ain't it?

Of course you should warn her!

When I was at music college there was a network of gay blokes who ceaselessly tried to inveigle their young male music students to sleep with them, just like this, with the same arguments being given about freedom, sexual liberty, self-expression and so on.

However it was upsetting for many of the young men concerned, and left them in a very difficult position. Tears were shed, existential crises happened, students' playing was affected (disastrous for music college students).

I am now of the opinion that circling around people like this to build up a network of sexual contacts can be very predatory, and to me it sounds a bit like it is happening here as well. There is a lot more to sex and human relationships than getting your jollies, and may it always be thus.

I totally agree BoffinMum. And who hasn't been subjected to attempts by the more sexually liberated, to get you to agree to stuff youre not comfortable with? Fortunately, I've never been gullible enough to be taken in by the type of line they spin. Often, the pattern is that the stronger ones will pick a weaker target (weaker often means younger or in a less powerful position).

Thats what one of the past "victims" of Dominique Strauss Kahn was discussing this week, and that was only an affair - she said she felt pressurised because of his stronger position in the organisation they both worked for.

Blah blah sexual liberation - it sounds pretty grotty sex tbh. It can also seriously mess people up, particularly the ones who are not good at dealing with it.

OP - if this has happened before with two of your nannies (apologies if I picked up on this wrong), you better watch you don't get a reputation for trafficking young women for your friends!

I would be very wary of having a lot to do with this family at the moment. This is because there is a lot of scope for trouble, and I would not want my kids to be inadvertently in the front line as people start berating each other on grounds of sexual jealousy, STDs, unwanted pg, or whatever.

There were two couples near us that we knew who ended up permanently swapping partners some years back, and the negative ripples still affect everyday life around here as it was not very pleasant, the way it ended up (can't say more without giving too much away online). Children did end up in the front line.

Low key politeness but little engagement is a good strategy if you think someone is up to something you don't feel comfortable with. OP clearly does not feel comfortable hence this thread. She should follow her instincts and cool the family's relationship off.

I got a bit of this while I was a singer, and I wonder with hindsight whether lying flat on my back might actually have helped my career. Not that I would have done it.

I have also seen two instances in academe where funny stuff was going on and again, I thought it was well dodgy.

"I am now of the opinion that circling around people like this to build up a network of sexual contacts can be very predatory"

I agree - and if these friends of yours were to proposition your 22 year old nanny I think that would be pretty grubby behaviour.

I think the key here is that the nanny is your employee, and your friends are friends of you. It would not be professional of either nanny or friend to start exploring their sexual compatibility, when the nanny is at their house in her professional capacity as looking after your children. This couple would probably not proposition a teacher, or nursery nurse when they are working?

In your shoes, if this couple has form, you should either tell them to treat your childrens nanny professionally, or not allow your nanny to arrange playdates at their house. You can do this from an employers perspective, but you cannot say who nanny has sex with, or meet with in her leisure time.