To not tell the new nanny that I think my swinger friend may try to 'recruit' her for grown up playdates.

[stupiddilemma]

Namechanger, for obvious reasons..

So, here's the dilemma. My friend & her DH (known to us as our kids are at the same nursery) are swingers. Mostly the high-end private party stuff (they're both very glamourous and international) but also occasional 'at home' playdates - including with two of her ex-nannies .

She has previously invited my DH & I to join them, and we declined. All still mates though (if slightly more wary ones on our part!).

SOOOOOoooo... she met my new nanny (22, pretty, gregarious) last week and has invited her to bring the kids over to play. The kids are all friends, so it's a perfectly reasonable suggestion. I often take the kids over to play together.

Thing thing is, the nanny is a little young and unguarded, and drops stuff into conversation such as that her and bf go to burlesque clubs together. If she says this stuff in front of my friend, it will be taken as a sign that she is 'open minded' and quite possibly an invite will follow.

If I tip off the nanny to their alternative lifestyle, it's a huge breach of confidence to my friend. AIBU to NOT tell her though?

Alternative is to take my friend aside and be explicit that she's not to make any 'offers' (but by God HOW embarrassing will that conversation be - I've only just got over my blushes from when she propositioned US!)

I have a sense of dooooom about this [sigh].

(and before anyone leaps to too many conclusions, no I do not consider ANY risk to my or her kids. These are responsible, law abiding, loving parents - who just like to shag other people).

sometimes they have a good buffet though, with nice ham

Well, if there's going to be nice ham ... nobody mentioned nice ham.

and prawn vol au vents

I just had an awful thought. Do swingers get their nice ham buffets from Waitrose Entertaining? I bet they do. If so I will never be able to look at the Entertaining catalogue in quite the same way ever again.

I wonder if Waitrose have a special menu they have put together for such occasions, like the other ones where you just click and your basket is filled (to to speak).

don't even go there...

Aren't you being a bit obsessive about other people's sex lives?

lf I wanted to "warn" my nanny - (LOL, single mum here) - I would bring it up in a joking way "Oh, they do swinging by the way, can you pass the salt?"...

That way, you've let her know what she may need to know and leave her to make her own mind up...

Gosh what if you warn her and sits all day panicking, waiting to be asked then isn't. I'd be really put out if I were her and blurt out something like

"What?! Aren't I good enough to swing with the likes of you?!"

boffy thats coz its you - maybe i go after the wives and not hubbys lol

but yes agree with what you are saying, its generally older saggier greyer fatter men lusting after a buxom blonde

LOL @ Blondes
I would prefer your bosoms to a retired bank manager's moobs any day.

thanks boffy i think theres a compliment in there somewhere

At least you wax your chest LOL

i dont have hairy tits

though i wax the lady garden :)

You're not clasping me there.
I have hairy nipples, are you saying something there's wrong with that?

'passes tweezers'

I think they sound predatory too - what are they doing involving their employees in this? I'd warn them off, if your nanny wants to swing, she is perfectly capable of finding her own invites.

You seem only worried about yourself in this issue - trouble finding another nanny if you lose this one, trouble if people gossip about you, trouble if you offend your friend by letting the nanny know that they cross boundaries.

what boff and others said - you should say something as she is your employee and if she goes to your friend's house on a playdate (ie in course of her professional duties) and is propositioned how would that play out. If we changes the facts (ie I am employer sending employee in course of my duties to someone who I knew might make inappropriate sexual advances ), I can't believe people would say nothing or make up some story about the employee to put the other party off...

What she does in her own time is her affair although I am not sure that I'd eqaute going to burlesque clubs with choosing to be a swinger.

@Blondes and Boffin - I won't know if my nipples need tweezing until I can find my distance glasses.

DH on swinging parties:

"I don't see that it's remarkable that middle class swingers buy their stuff from Waitrose Entertaining. Lower class swingers probably get their chocolate spread from Lidl specially for the occasion. Why should people change their class-based shopping habits just because they are about to have sex with a lot of people at once?"

Y'see, that's the kind of conversation you end up having in the kitchen of an evening when you're wife's been on MN.

Oh, thanks the heck, Boffin! Now I'm conflicted in my choice of chocolate spread. Do I get Costco because they're honking huge tubs for the price and you need a lot for any orgy that's worth the effort? Or do I follow my conscience and get Coop, because it's Fairtrade chocolate?

Decisions, decisions...

YABU for hiring a pretty Nanny OP !!!

YABU. Nanny is 22, not 16 - I would hope she could handle a slightly awkward situation should it arise. And of course, you're over-thinking the whole situation anyway is it might well never arise!

I don't think there's any way you could broach the subject with your nanny in advance of her meeting your friend in any case.

I understand your (possibly reasonable) concerns that your friends are quite forward in approaching people, but don't assume they will definitey go for your nanny. OH and I swing occasionally, as do another couple we're very good friends with outside of the swinging scene, but we've never swung with them.

Assuming your friends are certain to go for your nanny somewhat reminds me of my silly younger brother and his friends in their teens: A guy at their college was openly gay (good for him) but brother and friends were unreasonably worried that he would automatically want to shag them, simply because he liked boys.

Also, I do wish people (not OP) wouldn't automatically assume it's all fat sweaty ugly middle-aged mingers who swing. That may be what you see on TV, but that's because they're the people willing to flaunt it on the telly!

To be fair though Shelly, the swinging couple have form for getting the OP's nannies on board.

If a friend, let alone an employer, introduced me to a couple they thought might well invite me to swing with them I'd appreciate a heads up - and I'm pushing 40!

Sorry - the swingers have form involving their nannies - not the OP's.

The nanny has a right not to be propositioned at the workplace you provide.
I would say to her about the couple "Yes, they are nice and friendly aren't they but they actually have a wilder side - let me know if you ever feel uncomfortable going there."