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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to not expect my deceased mams partner to use her facebook page?

32 replies

zelda1982 · 23/05/2011 09:13

My mam died last Sunday and since then her partner has been using her facebook, mostly to update about funeral etc which i'm not that fussed about, but a few times he has "chatted" to me in her name. When i see her name pop up my heart skips a beat, i know its silly but for 1 split second i think it was all a dream and here she is talking to me.

I dont know how to ask him to stop (or even whether i should) Mam was with his 10 years, living together (300 miles from me) for 6.5 years so maybe he has a right to do as he pleases? I dont want to cancel her page as its nice to remember her by and write silly little messages "to" her.

This is my 1st post on MN so go easy Wink

OP posts:
AuntieMonica · 23/05/2011 09:17

sorry to read about your mum, it must be very difficult to see her name 'pop up' Sad

if it's the 'chat bar' that bothers you most (not going into why is he using her account etc) can you put her name in a group and permanently keep it offline?

BeerTricksPotter · 23/05/2011 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HugoFirst · 23/05/2011 09:18

say " stop using it , its freaking me out"

i totally sumpathise

DooinMeCleanin · 23/05/2011 09:18

Have you told him how you feel? YANBU to not want him to use it. YABU to expect him to just know how you feel without talking to him. I imagine he is wrapped up in his own grief and not really thinking.

I'm so sorry about your mam. Iirc there is a support thread here somewhere for people coping with the loss of a parent. I will try and find it for you.

CoffeeIsMyFriend · 23/05/2011 09:19

I think you have to ask him to set up his own FB page and not use your mums name. It would freak me out tbh.

cannydoit · 23/05/2011 09:19

so sorry to hear about your mum, people do thing in grief maybe writing as her makes him feel a little bit close to her. it may be insensitive of him to do it to you though. cant really offer any good advice, cant see how asking him to stop would help anyone feel better though. hope the funeral and all goes well.

DooinMeCleanin · 23/05/2011 09:19

Here.

Schnitzel · 23/05/2011 09:20

I'm very sorry to hear about your Mum.

I would ask whether he could set up his own profile in Facebook (takes less than 5 mins) and then he can become a 'friend' of your Mum on Facebook and if necessary post messages on her wall updating people with details as himself, rather than her. He should then no longer need to go in and send any messages as her but can do it as himself.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 23/05/2011 09:20

I'm really sorry to hear about your mum :( I can imagine how awful it is to see her name on your feed. If you block his posts then they won't pop up but you can still visit the page when you need to.

Welcome to MN btw, sorry it's under these circumstances.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 23/05/2011 09:22

Problem is, if he is using her page to update people with arrangements etc, he won't be friends with them if he sets up his own profile so they won't see them. And if he posts on her wall then the onus is on them to check in, which they might not do. I can see why he's doing it, but it is awful.

eosmum · 23/05/2011 09:25

Sorry for you loss, my mam did something similar after my dad passed away, she'd ring from his mobile just to use up his credit, but it did upset me terribly. I just asked her not to do it. Not sure how facebook works but could you block it temporarily.

Original poster
zelda1982 · 23/05/2011 09:26

He has his own page, he is just using my mams, as like pp said, he is not friends with all her's. I dont mind him updating funeral arrangements/friends just to stay off chat. I thought maybe it would be wrong to ask him not to, but as a few of you agree i think i'll do just that. Thank you.

OP posts:
Curiousmama · 23/05/2011 09:31

Sad so sorry for you. Yes I agree ask him not to am sure he'll understand?

shakey1500 · 23/05/2011 09:45

So sorry for your loss.

One of my closest friends, who lived away, had a long battle with cancer. She asked another of her friends to use her facebook account to keep her games going (farmville and suchlike) while she was in the hospice. It upset me greatly to see my "friend" make posts when I knew she was struggling in the hospice but thought "Well it's what she wants, she asked another friend to do this so that's fine". BUT I found out she had passed away in the night as when I opened facebook in the morning, there it was, an announcement made on HER page by the other friend that, sadly, she had lost her fight. I was absolutely gutted and absolutely FUMING that I, and others had found out this way. I can't tell you how angry I was that she had taken it upon herself without consulting the family and without making sure that key people had been informed privately.

I couldn't look at this woman at the funeral. After a couple of days, a family member had a word with her and she changed it to "XYZ rememberance page".

Original poster
zelda1982 · 23/05/2011 09:57

Its funny you should say that shakey as thats exactly how i had found out. My dad visits on a Sunday so i hadn't checked facebook while he was there and i'd (stupidly) accidently turned the signal on my phone off (but still recieved facebook updates)

Anyhow while my dad was here i got a message from my best friend saying "I'm so sorry" anyhow though nothin of it, thinking she was just replying to an earlier message. After my dad left (at 1pm) i got another message from my cousin saying "sorry for your loss" I was like WTF? so i went onto facebook and there it was on my mams facebook that she had dies at 10.30. I was fuming (as you can imagine) but i then realised what i'd done with my phone, turned it on and there was a TEXT message telling me. No phone call or anything from her partner (he had my house number)

I hated the fact i couldnt be with her due to the miles (i'd been down twice in the previous month since we'd found out and just couldn't afford another £200 for petrol and accomodation) Even my nan (my mams mam) didnt find out til i rang when i found out. It was such a horrible day :(

OP posts:
smoggii · 23/05/2011 10:01

Sounds awful for you, but I can see that her partner is using it as his way of contacting all the people who loved your mum.

Can you have your chat showing as offline and only use it to contact others. I've always had facebook chat switched off.

So sorry for your loss x

Pictish · 23/05/2011 10:07

Sorry for your loss OP xxx

I wouldn't like that either. I lost my mum six years ago, so understand what that's like.
I don't think it's unreasonable to kindly ask him not to do that. xxx

AuntieMonica · 23/05/2011 10:07

zelda

from your 1st post i thought you didn't mind him using her page, it was just the 'chat' that bothered you, but now i see it's going a whole lot further than that Sad

i love fb, it's for fun and keeping up with long distance relatives, but to me, it's way too impersonal for what's happening here.

get him not to use her page.

if he needs to contact people he has no details for, maybe a short notice, like one you'd read in a newspaper, would give the information out.

i'd be pretty uncomfortable with having to keep logging in to her page to see what's happening if it were me Sad

so sorry about your mum [hug] (and that's not MNey, but i don't care)

tjacksonpfc · 23/05/2011 10:58

Sorry for your loss

I know how you feel I lost a good friend of mine 12 months ago we turned her fb page into a memorial one for her. I was on msn one day a few days before her funeral when she came online. I didnt knwo what to do her partner was also showing online. When i said to him not to do that it scared the living daylights out of me he said it wasn't him he had the same reaction. It turns out it was her sister logging on to her account. Some people just dont think sometimes.

maddy68 · 23/05/2011 12:54

He can still use her page but chage her name to his. Just go into account settings then he will still have all her contacts etc, but obviously he would need to know her password etc

Curiousmama · 23/05/2011 16:52

Yes I was thinking that too. Or put 'in memory of.....'

Curiousmama · 23/05/2011 16:53

you can still contact friends of hers anyway? You can message people who aren't on your friends list. I reckon he's just not thinking straight right now poor man.

QuintessentialOldMoo · 23/05/2011 16:56

Sorry for your loss. Sad

He is probably not thinking about the effect it has. Can you say something gentley, such as "oh you give me such a start each time my mums name pop up to Chat to me." I am sure he will realize. If he doesnt, tell him to stop using her chat, but chat to you from his own facebook.

NerfHerder · 23/05/2011 17:01

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I do love your name though... used to know a Zelda and she was lovely.

GollyHolightly · 23/05/2011 17:10

I'm sorry for your loss, and how utterly awful that you found out by text Sad

I'm sure if you mention to your mum's husband that it freaks you out to see your 'mum' chatting online that he would understand. I think in all the cases stated on this thread, rather than it being malicious it's a case of the people logging into the account just not thinking or realising that other people will see the deceased person logging in, or sending a chat message, as they won't be seeing it themselves, iyswim?

When my mum died I immediately deleted her mobile number from my phone because I knew that her husband was going to be using her phone (he didn't have one) and I absolutely didn't want to get a call with 'mum' on the caller ID.