or is DH? I'm super pissed off about this but suspect I may be over-reacting. (Long, apologies)

[handofcod]

DH comes from abroad and English not his first language. We have a three month old DD and I'm on mat leave. There's a bar near where we live which fills up with expats from his home country. We have had issues in the past with the way he visits this bar: he spent a lot of time in there in the weeks immediately after I gave birth (went there almost every day, albeit only for an hour or so) and I asked him not to go so much. He got really angry saying I was trying to control him. In his defence it is the only time he has to go and chew the fat in his mother tongue most of the week as he doesn't have many friends from his home country. He works really hard Monday to Friday and studies Saturday mornings, so I tolerate it although I don't like the bar much and I wish he'd go a little less. Its almost exclusively men who drink there, btw, this isn't a jealousy of other women issue. I've never tried to stop him going at all, just wish he didn't have to go every weekend. Among other things it means I can rarely do stuff I want if he's there and i feel resentful for the way this bloody bar dominates my weekends even though I never go.

Anyway, on Saturday he goes shopping mid-afternoon to buy dinner and goes to the bar afterwards. He calls me at about five to say he is in the bar and "won't be late." At half eight I call to ask if he's coming home and he says yes and comes home. Gets home quite drunk and in a bad mood, obviously irritated about having had to come home, cooks then spends the rest of the evening complaining about how he doesn't get out enough. I feel moderately insulted by this: I have a small baby and while I don't mind him going out a bit it irritates me that he can go out willy nilly for hours without telling hem while I have to plan everything way in advance. He says at the end of the night that he's sorry and we can do "whatever you want" tomorrow (Sunday).

Sunday, predictably, he's too hungover to do anything except sleep on the sofa and watch movies. I remind him that he said we could do anything and he moans and says its his only full day off etc and can't we just chill. I'm super resentful about this: this is the third weekend in a row he's been unwilling to do anything with me but has prioritized going to the bar. I feel that he doesn't consider my weekends to be important at all, frequently ignores my needs because he wants to go to this bar and would rather spend his time with a bunch of old men than his wife and new baby. Whenever I raise this with him, he says I'm being controlling and I need to understand his need to hang out with people from his home country a bit.

I'm still a bit hormonal, not getting out much etc. Do you think I'm being unreasonable? I'm tempted to go and stay with my mum for a few days to teach him a lesson but I'd like to know if people think I'm over-reacting and whether I am infact being controlling.

YANBU

I hate it when men pull the old "you are being controlling" shit when they are told that they are being selfish! Sheesh if I had a pound everytime I heard that....but thats why he is an ex!

Could you agree a certain amount of time that he can go? Say 1 or 2 nights in the week for a couple of hours and then every other weekend, with the alternate weekend being family/your time?

I think you have to get to grips with the fact that, if you are married to someone from another country/culture and, more particularly, you haven't bothered to learn his language, you will spend a lot of time on your own while he hangs out with people from his culture/language.

What Bogeyface said. He's prioritising drinking with mates over his very new family, and the 'controlling' thing just means he doesn't want your needs and opinions to inconveniently get in the way.

I think there is a better balance to be achieved, certainly. What was his attitude before the baby was born? BTW HE has a small baby too, not just you. Do you think his view was always that small babies are Women's Work and that his life wouldn't be changing?

Bonsoir how would you presume to know whether I have "bothered" to learn the language? I have a qualification in it and speak it fluently.

Ha ha ha Bonsoir. Do you really think this man would not go to the bar if his wife spoke his native language? What nonsense. The language spoken makes no difference. He prefers to be in the bar than at home. That's the nub of it.

Because you said in your OP that the only chance your DH had to chew the fat in his mother tongue was at the bar - I read that as the two of you not speaking in his language. Sorry if I'm mistaken. Though the point still holds to a large extent - if your DH is from another culture, he will need to spend a lot of time with people from his own culture.

with the greatest of respect to you and without trying to over dramatise it with stuff from my own past which actually is probably impossible this sounds exactly like my exh, he would go to work then right from work go to the pub every day, he would get home about 7-7.30. he would go to the shop and get home 3 hours later stinking of booze. this was just the beginning. obviously when we met we were young i was very young 17 he was 26 we went out a lot he drank a lot i didnt think much of it. he owned his own business and would take 3 hour lunches in the pub. he went bankrupt. i would complain about it and he would say i was being unfair he worked hard, he had a right to unwind etc so i would let it lie. but it always wound me up that he could just vanish but all my plans had to be made in advance. then when he got sacked from his job it got even worse he would vanish for days, basically what i am saying is that my ex was an alcoholic albeit mostly functioning. he could never put my or the childrens needs before his need for alcohol and what you are saying now scarily harks back to the kind of things i use to say. the justifying it and the seconding guessing yourself. you know what is reasonable behaviour, you know what a new dad should be doing for you and your dc. if as you say he just goes there to chat with his friends (a line my ex used all the time) then at the very least he is being very selfish, if it is something more sinister then you may have a tough time ahead.

I am in exactly the same position as the OP's DH and I need to hang out with people from my own language/culture for my own sanity.

Do you go out drinking every night and leave your children with your husband, Bonsoir? And did you do this when they were newborns?

No, thought not.

Sorry op, reading my response again it sounds like I'm laying the blame at your door. I honestly wasn't, it was a reaction to Bonsoir's post. What I meant was that the issue is a common one, man thinks he is entitled to time off to spend with his mates while wifey looks after the home. As others have said, you need some ground rules. It's not controlling, it's fair.

sorry though i said i wouldnt over dramatise it i totally did and went to a bit of a dark place there op, just rings alarm bells for me on your behalf.

Actually, I spent a nearly a whole year in my own country when my DD was a newborn. DP saw her once every two or three weeks.

Sweeping generalisation, bonsoir well done.

OP, there are a couple of issues here. It does sound like you and your DD are just not a priority to your DH at the moment for some reason. I would definitely try to sit down, explain that you don't want to control him, but that you want there to be a happy balance between your family life and the time he spends with his friends.

Secondly, I would stop waiting around for him not be hungover/to be bothered to do something with you. There is no reason why you should be sacrificing your weekends for him when you don't even get the benefit of going to this bar.

Hopefully there won't be a "next time" if you have a chat about it all and sort out a compromise, but if there is another Sunday when you find yourself with a DH who's only able to sleep on the sofa all day, then take your DD out for the day, go to a park/gardens, go have a coffee somewhere, have a long walk, meet up with some friends, etc, etc. Don't lose out too...

And what about the OPs opportunity to hang out with people of her own culture (i.e. get out of the bloody house!!)? I'm sure she would like to chew the fat with her friends on an evening or weekend, for a couple of hours?

YANBU, your DP is being a selfish prick.

just by way of clarification, its not every night, its every saturday. He did it every day (four about an hour, two hours max) in the two week period after the baby was born. Since then its never more than once a week. cannydoit I admit that what you say about alcoholism has crossed my mind and I'm not trying to sweep this under the carpet, it does worry me. But he's certainly not drinking every night after work, just the weekends.

Bonsoir I take your point about the need to hang out with people from your country. I've never denied this. It's just the way its done -- it always has to involve staying much later than he planned and usually interferes with my plans.

Poor you, he is sounding a bit selfish. I have a 'foreign' DH, albeit that his first language is English. I lived in his country for quite a few years and was lonely as hell. Thank goodness the majority of people did speak English for me, but your husband must be feeling much lonelier than I was, and I was pretty desperate.

You are not being controlling, but I think you need to both sit down together and make some structure to his evenings at the bar (boundaries etc.). Are there any other activities that you could do as a family that involve his language (there are lots of expat family groups but don't know about your area etc.) Are there things you can do together that he would enjoy? Have you spoken to him about speaking to the baby in his language so that your baby grows up multi lingual? (I believe they suggest you should each speak in your mother tongue to the child - I have a couple of friends in bi lingual relationships and this is what they have done). I think it's important that he sees that you are very supportive of his culture and language, it's just the bar and your current situation with a young baby. (You seem to be doing this anyway, but perhaps you need to be clearer?)

He is being selfish but I can see why. Don't let him let this ruin your relationship.

YADNBU

I think it's perfectly reasonable to have a conversation with your DH and to explain how much it is upsetting you. But you have to give him more leeway than if he was from the same culture as you and living in his home country and I think it's really important to make it clear to him that you understand that.

FWIW, I have been through phases in my life when I felt totally cut off from myself because I wasn't spending nearly enough time speaking my own language or with people from my own culture, and it was extremely distressing.

Bonsoir - as someone from another culture whose husband doesn't really speak her mother tongue either I think you're talking bollocks - the cultural difference or language is not an excuse to go to the pub every day.
Also, there is no intrinsic need to hang out with other people, just because they happen to come from the same country of birth. I've actively avoided people from my homecountry in the first few years, just because I hated the "at home everything's better" whingery. Those who I hang out with now, I actually happened to meet through other circumstances, and their origin doesn't play any role in us hanging out.

If he wants to hang out with compatriots, fine, but it doesn't need to be daily, and certainly shouldn't be higher on his list of priorities than spending time with his family.

Bonsoir, I am from another culture: does that mean I could have dumped my baby at home and got rat arsed every weekend? Or does that only apply to men?

cory - read the thread. I'm not a man and I am defending my own position.

i agree with Bonsoir. I think there has to be more to life for hte main wage earner( whether male OR female) to go to work and come home. we all need a hobby or interest or time to ourselves

sounds like the issue here is timing. you need ot have a calm non accusatory chat where you allocate some kind of fair routine

thats cool hand, i'd say keep an eye on it because after 10 yrs of the varying different stages of drinking the binging, the stopping (because i threatened to leave) the manageable level. you dont want the heart break of your dc saying thing like i like it better when daddy has been drinking because he is nicer or i like the smell of beer because it means daddy will play with me before he goes to sleep on the sofa.
but to be fair thats probably mostly my stuff but if its crossed your mind that would already worry me a bit.