or is DH? I'm super pissed off about this but suspect I may be over-reacting. (Long, apologies)

[handofcod]

DH comes from abroad and English not his first language. We have a three month old DD and I'm on mat leave. There's a bar near where we live which fills up with expats from his home country. We have had issues in the past with the way he visits this bar: he spent a lot of time in there in the weeks immediately after I gave birth (went there almost every day, albeit only for an hour or so) and I asked him not to go so much. He got really angry saying I was trying to control him. In his defence it is the only time he has to go and chew the fat in his mother tongue most of the week as he doesn't have many friends from his home country. He works really hard Monday to Friday and studies Saturday mornings, so I tolerate it although I don't like the bar much and I wish he'd go a little less. Its almost exclusively men who drink there, btw, this isn't a jealousy of other women issue. I've never tried to stop him going at all, just wish he didn't have to go every weekend. Among other things it means I can rarely do stuff I want if he's there and i feel resentful for the way this bloody bar dominates my weekends even though I never go.

Anyway, on Saturday he goes shopping mid-afternoon to buy dinner and goes to the bar afterwards. He calls me at about five to say he is in the bar and "won't be late." At half eight I call to ask if he's coming home and he says yes and comes home. Gets home quite drunk and in a bad mood, obviously irritated about having had to come home, cooks then spends the rest of the evening complaining about how he doesn't get out enough. I feel moderately insulted by this: I have a small baby and while I don't mind him going out a bit it irritates me that he can go out willy nilly for hours without telling hem while I have to plan everything way in advance. He says at the end of the night that he's sorry and we can do "whatever you want" tomorrow (Sunday).

Sunday, predictably, he's too hungover to do anything except sleep on the sofa and watch movies. I remind him that he said we could do anything and he moans and says its his only full day off etc and can't we just chill. I'm super resentful about this: this is the third weekend in a row he's been unwilling to do anything with me but has prioritized going to the bar. I feel that he doesn't consider my weekends to be important at all, frequently ignores my needs because he wants to go to this bar and would rather spend his time with a bunch of old men than his wife and new baby. Whenever I raise this with him, he says I'm being controlling and I need to understand his need to hang out with people from his home country a bit.

I'm still a bit hormonal, not getting out much etc. Do you think I'm being unreasonable? I'm tempted to go and stay with my mum for a few days to teach him a lesson but I'd like to know if people think I'm over-reacting and whether I am infact being controlling.

i've never met a nice south african

GASP! OUT AND PROUD STEROTYPING

( whisper i find SOME australian women rather bossy)

Was he out a lot before the birth?
I think it's okay for him to go out if he agrees with you first when, how long for and sticks to it and also then gives you the same time free (eg for lie-ins, popping out for a coffee/breather, whatever you like to do)

Money doesn't come into it- you're both working FT, albeit you're not being paid at present.

Surely it should have been 'IDreamOfCod' then?

that cod is kinda bossy imho

Re-reading I think that the whole culture/language thing is a red herring.

There are hell of alot of posts on here and on relationships about men who seem to think it is their right, for whatever reason, to abandon their families at the weekend and go drinking. They come home later than planned, dont tell what the plans even are etc and then say that the wife is being controlling and he should be able to do this because he works all week/only has one day off/ is stressed/earns the money....blah blah but basically whatever excuse fits. And in your case the excuse is his culture.

It doesnt alter the fact that whatever the reason, he is putting his own needs above yours and your babys, and that is selfish. End of.

Would you be ok with suggesting that he does one weekday night every alternate week and one saturday night every alternate week with the understanding that the weekend when it isnt his drinking weekend is spent doing family things or giving you a break?

Hey HugoFirst and ggirl! I am an Australian woman married to a Sth African...
And we're actually both very nice... Are you paying attention 'cause I'm right and you're both wrong!

Cod must have been hiding a fairly big secret having a new born n'all.

I am Scottish living in English and that is a big enough culture shock - what no haggis, kilts or deep fried mars bars . Shocking. But at least now I know it is ok to go out and get blootered every weekend.

England even.

We all carry round in our head an idea of how a good mother and father behaves. This can be different between different families, and it can be very different between different countries. So in some countries a good father is one who works hard and earns money - and thats it.

Only you know if the country he is from is relevant to this situation. But if many or most fathers would behave how he does in his country, then it is relevant.

If that is the case you both need to sit down and work out a way to parent that you are both happy with. And you need to be prepared to keep doing this over the years. It is in how a family operates and how you bring up children, that there can be very big differences between different cultures. And most parents have a tendency to think how it is done in their country is the right way.

I think what would irritate me is not the going out once a week it would be i) not knowing when he'll be home and ii) you're whole weekend gets ruined as he's not up for anything on the sunday.
Dh doesn't go out often but you can guarantee the next day he'll be good for nothing. On my day off.

fimbo- soupy got away with it for baby dragon... and Aitch almost did!

Anyway- my guess is the DH is Greek.

Or Italian?

The guys goe out once a week and is home by eight? I don't see an issue with that. If the baby was demanding enough that you needed him at home then fair enough, but I don't know what your situation is like in that respect.

More than being upset with him, I think you should rather channel that energy into making plans for yourself and going out with or without the baby. He can look after the baby without you I assume?

Everyone needs a break, and that means both of you. I don't think he is out of order but I don't think it is good for you to sit at home either. You BOTH need a little independence and a space in which to socialize and 'chew the fat'. For me that is where the problem lies.

He has made plans for himself so make plans for yourself. My DH and I have always had independent social lives as well as doing things together. This is not going to change after our LO is born. When the baby is old enough that I feel comfortable to leave him/her at home, DH will watch the baby while I go out and see my friends. In turn, he will continue to have the time he needs to socialize with his friends, which is usually Friday after work. The only difference is that I will expect him home earlier, which means about 8pm instead of closing time.

We have talked about this and agree it is much healthier than one or BOTH of us sitting at home, especially if it is because the other feels upset that the other is out more often IYSWIM.

For me your DH is not BU to want a few hours to socialize outside of the home after a hard week of work. What I think is that you need to get out and do things too, I would go mad being at home with the baby day in and day out and the cycle you guys are stuck in is breeding resentment.

Dh didn't realise what a full time job looking after a small child was until I left him to it - and it needed to be for a day and not one where I had done all the preparation type things beforehand. We did manage this - sufficient ebm in fridge for a weekend, just in case - list of things that 'needed' doing as normal - eg load of washing, dog walk. After that I got no more 'haven't you done such and such' when he got in from work - and he was more helpful at the weekends too.

Sounds to me as if the language thing has been made into more of a 'reason' than it really is. Perhaps the way to approach it might be to agree that every other saturday should be a 'family' day - and get him to actively choose what you'll be doing together. Could even be 'sold' as you feeling that you don't feel as though you're getting or achieving much famility time from your weekends or something?

I can't really give any objective advice because I'm in a similar situation, only with 2 DC and no language barrier.

How long has he been in the UK? My H came to the UK only 2 weeks before our first DC was due, so we never got a chance to settle into UK life together without the pressure of having a little baby. He is now talking about going back to his home country because he hates the UK way of life (it's all about work and no fun apparently - ummm, I find spending time with our children fun but he obviously doesn't feel the same).

I totally understand your frustration with him not coming back when he says he will - my H has done the same. To me it shows a total lack of respect for me - how am I supposed to build a relationship with this person when they don't even think enough of me to tell me the truth? If he was just honest about when he would be back, I wouldn't actually have an issue most of the time. And when you have a small baby, it's very hard to keep the kind of perspective you normally would - you naturally rely on your other half a lot more during this time.

Is he empathetic about the changes in your life being a new mum? This is another big issue with me and my H - he thinks that as I wanted kids, I shouldn't complain about being home with them all the time. Whereas the truth is I was very career-driven before having DCs, and so find being at home on mat leave quite difficult, especially as my youngest will not take a bottle so I haven't had any real break since he was born. In his culture, women often have lots of kids (his Mum had 10!) and just get on with it without whingeing, so he has little sympathy for any of my moaning.

Sorry, that turned into a bitchfest about my situation - I needed a vent this morning! I hope you can sit down and let him know how his actions make you feel.

YANBU - I have a thread on relationships about trying to get DP to prioritise family time, although my DD is 2.5.
As others have said, he probably thinks a newborn is women's work. He thinks that only he needs a break at the weekend, having no concept of what its like to look after a child all day and having no time to yourself. He doesn't think what you are doing is work.
Can you dream up an excuse to have to disappear for part of the time at the weekend so he can at least try and grasp that concept?

Appleton he's been in the UK nearly 12 years and was here several years before we even met so he doesn't have that excuse. And, the odd moan about specific things aside, he really likes it here, likes the way of life.

But I agree about the lack of respect thing. I don't really mind him going to the boozer to let off steam once a week. What I mind is the way he does it a) that he's kind of sneaky about it, always saying he's "going to buy food" and then rolling back four hours later b) that I can't do the same thing because I have a baby so he's taking the piss c) he is usually several hours later than he says he's going to be d) it frequently means he's either too hungover, too tired or generally has too much to do on a Sunday for him to spend quality time with me and the baby. When I pick him up on this he says that I get to spend time with my friends (which is true and he is always prepared, if not happy, to look after the baby). The difference is that I plan ahead, giving him several days notice and come back on time, give or take 10 minutes. I don't pretend to be going to Sainsburys to buy food, roll in three and a half hours later smelling of booze.

You need to arrange a day out with a friend, on a Saturday, soon. Tell him on the Friday night that you're doing that and that he will need to look after the baby while you are out that day. Make sure you go out early enough to stop the possibility of him saying 'Ooh, I'll just pop to the shops quickly first', and then somehow managing to return late or not till evening. When If he whines about having to miss his bar trip, point out that he has gone every week for ages and now it's your turn to have a Saturday trip out, and that he can go again next week. See how he likes them apples.

I do agree that he should have some wind-down time, but not consistently at the expense of the OP's. I would suggest that he alternates one Saturday night out one week and a different (preferably weeknight) out the next. The same goes for the OP, of course.

I really don't see what the problem is if it is once a week.

He is entitled to him time, and once a week is not excessive.

My DP is also foreign (there seems to be a lot of it about! :o)

I think the language think is a red herring - you can talk it together and he can speak to his family I assume.

I think it's the not coming home when he says that is most annoying - it would drive me mad and I think it's very rude

But hand, he's surely being 'sneaky' because he thinks what you disapprove of is him going drinking? So you're going round in circles with him.

But he's jeopardising ALL the time that they have together - she's not saying that he can't go - but she is, I think, quite reasonably annoyed by the fact that he's sneeking off in an underhand way on a Saturday and ending up there for a considerable period of time - which means that he's in no fit state to do anything on Sunday either. His 'me time' (which in an ideal world, everyone should be able to have) seems to result in no 'family' time - which by the sound of it would be HoC's wish for the weekend.