or is DH? I'm super pissed off about this but suspect I may be over-reacting. (Long, apologies)

[handofcod]

DH comes from abroad and English not his first language. We have a three month old DD and I'm on mat leave. There's a bar near where we live which fills up with expats from his home country. We have had issues in the past with the way he visits this bar: he spent a lot of time in there in the weeks immediately after I gave birth (went there almost every day, albeit only for an hour or so) and I asked him not to go so much. He got really angry saying I was trying to control him. In his defence it is the only time he has to go and chew the fat in his mother tongue most of the week as he doesn't have many friends from his home country. He works really hard Monday to Friday and studies Saturday mornings, so I tolerate it although I don't like the bar much and I wish he'd go a little less. Its almost exclusively men who drink there, btw, this isn't a jealousy of other women issue. I've never tried to stop him going at all, just wish he didn't have to go every weekend. Among other things it means I can rarely do stuff I want if he's there and i feel resentful for the way this bloody bar dominates my weekends even though I never go.

Anyway, on Saturday he goes shopping mid-afternoon to buy dinner and goes to the bar afterwards. He calls me at about five to say he is in the bar and "won't be late." At half eight I call to ask if he's coming home and he says yes and comes home. Gets home quite drunk and in a bad mood, obviously irritated about having had to come home, cooks then spends the rest of the evening complaining about how he doesn't get out enough. I feel moderately insulted by this: I have a small baby and while I don't mind him going out a bit it irritates me that he can go out willy nilly for hours without telling hem while I have to plan everything way in advance. He says at the end of the night that he's sorry and we can do "whatever you want" tomorrow (Sunday).

Sunday, predictably, he's too hungover to do anything except sleep on the sofa and watch movies. I remind him that he said we could do anything and he moans and says its his only full day off etc and can't we just chill. I'm super resentful about this: this is the third weekend in a row he's been unwilling to do anything with me but has prioritized going to the bar. I feel that he doesn't consider my weekends to be important at all, frequently ignores my needs because he wants to go to this bar and would rather spend his time with a bunch of old men than his wife and new baby. Whenever I raise this with him, he says I'm being controlling and I need to understand his need to hang out with people from his home country a bit.

I'm still a bit hormonal, not getting out much etc. Do you think I'm being unreasonable? I'm tempted to go and stay with my mum for a few days to teach him a lesson but I'd like to know if people think I'm over-reacting and whether I am infact being controlling.

CoffeeDodger FeministDragon I have tried making the point several times that I don't mind him going out, I would just prefer a bit more warning and structure and for him not to say he's going to be back in half an hour when he actually means two and a half hours. Every time I say this to him it turns into "you go out with your friends, I go out with mine." I make the point that as most of my friends either have children or stressful jobs, I can't just go and bump into them at the local pub and shoot the breeze for hours. He says I'm being anal and trying to control him. And so it goes. He genuinely doesn't see why its annoying if someone gets back several hours later than they said they would. Its got to the point where I can't talk to him about my feelings, for fear of being accused of being controlling, so I try not to sulk, but he rumbles me. I'm sat here desperately trying not to be angry with him but I know he knows I'm pissed off.

surely MNTowers has a loud klaxon go off if someone TRIES to put cod in a username

Agree with CD. Be angry. It's honest.

Was he always casual about timekeeping? I mean, is this a problem that was always there, but that suddenly pisses you off no end because now you have a baby, or is it a new thing?

My friend married someone from Jordan and I know from her that the culture over there (and in the surrounding countries), is that men go to coffee houses till the early hours practically every night and as such they have strong male relationships/friendships. The wives are supposed to stay at home and look after the children, they wives are friends with the sisters, mothers, aunts etc.

When my friend's husband came over he really loved the British culture and the freedom that goes with it, however, he also really missed the 'male bonding' over a coffee (or I guess over here it would be a beer).

It was just totally alien to him to stay at home with his wife and son. It wasn't personal.

"it doesn't seem entirely unreasonable for him to want to go out once a week to talk to his friends"

I think it is when you have brought a newborn into the world. When the mother is breastfeeding and basically can't leave the baby for very long. Its called solidarity, support and getting to know your baby --not just the bits where you're occasionally left in charge.

No, I don't have a wardrobe of hair shirts, and neither does my husband, but we both gave up socialising for a while after our daughter was born. We socialised together and apart when it was a little easier to leave her. But still not 'once a week'. It wasn't written into a contract. It's just your baby is a priority and support for the mother (who frankly bears the burden of feeding in the newborn days) is paramount to going out drinking.

Hardly the end of the world, not to go out for a few months, is it? I mean, will you develop a mental illness and curl up and die, all lonely and fucked up, because you haven't gone out once a week after giving birth?

There is plenty of time for going out. I like drinking, I spent years of living a hedonistic life, I value my friendships. But yes, I think someone dodging out and playing the 'controlling' card is being unfair.

People are so entitled and have decided that selfishness as a 'good thing' so ingrained in our culture. 'Me' time this, I "NEED this for my sanity" that. I know fathers of very small children who work all the time (you know, like mothers do, and like SAHParents do) and the first thing they are up to of a weekend is polishing cars, training for marathons, off out on their own, etc etc. Not wanting to spend time with their kids. But of course, they 'need' it for their sanity. No they don't, they'd just rather be doing that instead.

Whatever.

YABVU. Its a few hours to himself once a week. I dont see the problem.

If you lightened up he wouldn't need to go behind your back. He probably goes about it sneakily because you'd give him a hard time if he told you beforehand. I get the impression you'd be pissed off whether it was the pub, golf, the gym. You are resentful of the fact that he has the audacity to want some time to himself/with friends.

Make some plans of your own so you get some time to yourself too, you dint need his permission to socialise. A simple "I'm out on Saturday afternoon with friends, so dont make plans for yourself unless they include DD" will suffice.

It's not a few hours a week. He comes back pissed, has a hangover on Sundays and lies on the sofa refusing to move. So he might as well be in the pub for 2 days.

Also, remember that the OP said that if she sees her friends it is often with the baby, and all that entails. It's a different kettle of fish to breezily wandering off to the boozer for an unlimited time and then crying off the next day too.

"Entitled" can be translated into many languages.

Everyone has different tolerances for their partner's 'hobbies'. If you were totally fine with him going to this bar, then fine. But the fact is you aren't fine about it, you've tried to talk to him about it, and he isn't listening or engaging with how you feel. Bad.

he is always prepared, if not happy, to look after the baby

This says it all for me.

The fact that he will look after his own child because he HAS to but doesnt want to and clearly doesnt like it.

No one would be questioning his right to a few hours pub time if it was reciprocated with good grace, but it isnt and he resents any time he has to spend looking after his own child, but expects his wife to do it to suit his wants.

Selfish, whichever way you paint it.

Bogeyface point taken but that's a turn of phrase I slightly regret. He does really love his dd, don't think he begrudges time spent with her. Its true that he sometimes has to be prodded to give me a bit more time off in the home than I would like, but I made it sound worse than it is. Not to detract from my being pissed off about the bar, but its not like he's an unwilling father.