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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want....

107 replies

ohgivemestrength · 22/05/2011 16:19

my ss to come and live with us? :(
Flame me if you want lol, I'll give details in a bit just wondering what people would say without knowing the background!

OP posts:

worraliberty · 22/05/2011 16:22

What's the point without knowing the background?

MinnieBar · 22/05/2011 16:22

YABU to expect opinions with so few details. But I think you already knew that, so? YANBU. Happy now?

Cymar · 22/05/2011 16:25

Depends on the background and the circumstances. I don't think it's fair to comment without knowing more about the situation.

tallulahxhunny · 22/05/2011 16:26

it depends on a whole lot of things, what age is she? what age are you? who owns the house? ...

AgentZigzag · 22/05/2011 16:29

It's not very often I look up the acronyms list, but is SS step son?

Maybe I've got it wrong as tallula's saying 'she'?

Pictish · 22/05/2011 16:31

dunno...

shrugs

tallulahxhunny · 22/05/2011 16:39

sorry i thought it was step sister haha ))hangovers((

AgentZigzag · 22/05/2011 16:39

Well, lots of helpful, friendly advice for you OP to guide you in your difficult decision.

It's really sunny here, bit windy like, but good for drying the washing...

AgentZigzag · 22/05/2011 16:40

Well it could be tallulah, who the fuck knows?

Not us

tallulahxhunny · 22/05/2011 16:43

no its not me, im a step nothing

Original poster

ohgivemestrength · 22/05/2011 16:53

Backround sorry had to do baby's bottles.....
Me 33, OH 31, DS 15 weeks, SS 6, I own the house.

SSM has custody but does not stick to access days of 2 days a week. OH parents have monopolised SS since he was a baby and frequently have SS for weeks at a time refusing to ring SSM to see when she wants him back, readily taking him from her when she asks and ringing to see if they can have him when she does have him. They put her down as being a terrible mother but in all respect to her she has not been given the chance by them to be a good mother.

OH sees SS every day when at his parents. SS does not stay with us, never has done, has been asked many times but does not want to. OH parents have problems with discipline and boundaries, they allow him to behave as he wants, do what he wants, speak how he wants etc. SS language is discraceful as is his behaviour, he swears, is destructive and violent to others including his small cousin and our DS. There are no consequences to this behaviour is is just laughed at. OH does discipline him sometimes but is undermined by his parents, other times he ignores the behaviour. SS has hit me and sworn at me many times. I have tried and tried to work with SS, to give him structure, routine etc when he is with us but to no avail. I am told by OH and parents to leave him alone as he is nothing to do with me. They are afraid to tell him off because they think he won't love them , he won't want to go to their house and they are afraid that he will tell his mother and she will stop access!

Now SSM has gone away yet again and noone knows how long for and OH mother or OH won't ring her to find out, OH told me last night that he wants SS to come and live with us no discussion. I do not want this because of his bad behaviour, violence and swearing, I worry for the safety of our DS when he is near him as he has hit him before, I will not be 'allowed' to discipline him and I will not be supported in doing so, I will not be encouraged to treat him as my own, it is hard enough with a baby and will be even more so when I go back to work amongst other reasons.

I know that this may not even happen but it is worrying for me as I don't want to be painted as evil SM but for it to work there have to be ground rules, boundaries, routine and everyone has to have the same goals in mind. It is doubtful SSM will allow it anyway as she made him go to court for access and there has been a lengthy and expensive court case involved which resulted in the 2 days access. Also OH refuses to speak to her since this and all communication is done via OH mother, which does not help anyone. I have said they need to put their bad feeling aside and talk like adults about what is the best thing for SS.

So....AIBU in not wanting SS to live with us?

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 22/05/2011 17:04

I've not got direct experience of this, but I think your OH is being unreasonable to not even discuss his DS coming to live with you.

It's like he doesn't think your opinion is significant in what would be a life changing situation.

Who could blame you for having reservations about this lad, the relationship with his mum sounds very strange with them not even ringing to ask her what she's doing, the lad must feel all at sea as to where he is.

Does your OH know how strongly you feel?

It seems an obvious question, but I really mean has he taken what you've said on board do you think? Or does he just brush you off?

dogzandcatz · 22/05/2011 17:08

he is 6!

poor little scrap, im not surprised he is a handful, being pushed from pillar to post

why oh why is it always the little kids who have to pay the price :(

Original poster

ohgivemestrength · 22/05/2011 17:14

He brushes me off and says that's enough I'm tired, he can't communicate effectively and this is where I belive it is nurture that creates a person as his parents are the same! I try to tell him how I feel, he hears me but doesn't listen! This would change my life and not in a good way we've had a hell of pregnancy and it is only now things are back on an even keel and I feel that this would just knock us back ten fold.

SS is all at sea, he wants to be with his GP as he is able to do as he pleases and has what he wants, but when he is with his mother he is happy there too, I mean he's never stayed a night with us so how OH can expect him to live with us is beyond me! OH parents have enabled SS and SSM behaviour by not setting out boundaries and rules, it is as if SS is their child not GC.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 22/05/2011 17:16

How can they expect you to treat your SS differently to your other children? Not only making it impossible for you, but singling him out as living by different rules and therefore is different.

Why does the mum keep disappearing off on her own? What's said to your SS when she goes? For him not to know when she's coming back must be awful and I can only think your OH just wants some stability for the boy but not want to rock the boat with the mum (re discipline).

Terrible situation all round.

beesimo · 22/05/2011 17:16

Hes 6 you open the door to the bairn put your arms round him and say your welcome here. You could be the one that 'saves' this lad don't turn your back on him.

How would you feel if it was your child being made to feel 'the beggar at the gate?' There is always room for one more.

Original poster

ohgivemestrength · 22/05/2011 17:17

He is pushed to pillar and post as the people who are supposed to care for him have very little parenting skills and no communication skills, if they spoke to each other it would be something and at least something would be sorted out then. I'm a firm believer that all children need routine and stability and that is missing here.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 22/05/2011 17:18

x-posts, I can imagine why they're enabling the behaviour because of having to walk on eggshells as they have no 'rights' or power as such so have to tow the line to an extent.

AgentZigzag · 22/05/2011 17:20

Do they have some kind of mediation in situations like this?

Sounds like they need to sit down together and get someone to direct the session letting/forcing everyone to air their views.

I'm probably being naive though.

Original poster

ohgivemestrength · 22/05/2011 17:21

beesimo I have tried that but when you are made to feel that what you are doing is wrong it is not good. When he comes here I praise him for being good but I also remind him what is unacceptable behaviour and what the boundaries are when he misbehaves, when I do that I am told to leave him be that he is nothing to do with me. One incident stands out he hit me when I was pregnant and I told him not to hit me again and OH and his parents told me to leave him alone.

OP posts:

Original poster

ohgivemestrength · 22/05/2011 17:24

OH and parents will not attend mediation with SSM that has already been discussed and is a no go.

Exactly I will treat my SS the same way that I treat my DS but his GP make him different with does make it impossible for me then.

SSM 'needs a break' so will go off for weekends, out on the beer etc, she is a SAHM and he is the only child.

OP posts:

Original poster

ohgivemestrength · 22/05/2011 17:25

SS does not appear phased by this as it happens frequently.

OP posts:

Pictish · 22/05/2011 17:26

Jeez...something needs to change here pronto...if nothing else, if your OH finds his son's current behaviour acceptable, it does not bode well for disciplining your own ds when the time comes!

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/05/2011 17:26

In your shoes I would refuse to take in your partner's son, because of your statement "I will not be 'allowed' to discipline him and I will not be supported in doing so, I will not be encouraged to treat him as my own". So what would your relationship with him be? You wouldn't be a stepmother, nanny or childminder to this boy, because all those roles involve the things you would not be 'allowed' to do. So what would you be? Crowd control? Wrangler? Punchbag? Whipping boy? It places you in an impossible situation. And that's not even including your fears for your son at this child's hands.

Where has this come from? What has prompted this? And who? Has this come from your partner, his parents, or the boy's mum? I'minclined to think the birth of your son might have started it- either your partner or his parents deciding that if your caring for one you can care for both - except that you won't be 'allowed' to care ...

TBH your partner sounds a bit shit, allowing this situation to come into being.

Pictish · 22/05/2011 17:27

For your OH that is....not you.

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