to not want....

[ohgivemestrength]

my ss to come and live with us? :(
Flame me if you want lol, I'll give details in a bit just wondering what people would say without knowing the background!

I don't feel sorry for any of you - I feel sorry for your stepson

agree

If the OP didn't give a jot about the lad compo, would she be on here trying to discuss possible solutions?

I don't reckon she'd bother.

Up against such a situation with the people she's described, who wouldn't be worried about the impact it'd have on them with the little consideration given to her.

She's not kicking off just to be awkward, they're legitimate concerns.

Yes some of you feel sorry for my ss so do I but if you read all of my posts you will see that I have tried/am trying however no matter what I do or say I am up against a brick wall. I am undermined and shot down when I try to do my best for him, yes if a child needs discipline I will do it, I do it to my friends children, my god children and I don't get told it's none of my business and they're nothing to do with me, my friends are glad of the help and support!

I am EXPECTED to take a child in who has HIT me whilst pregnant, HIT my 15 week old baby, told me to fuck off, called me a cunt and more whilst OH parents have stood by and watched with fear of telling him off incase he gets upset, tells his mother. On the occassion that OH has told him off his parents undermine him.

If I didn't care I would leave them to it and bury my head in the sand, distance myself from SS and ignore the situation. However as selfish as it may sound to some of you my DS is my priority and I will not have him being hit and sworn at. He is 15 weeks old and a defenceless baby!

Oh and how can one person change something if no-one else is willing to step up to mark, admit their mistakes and realise that things need to change?

How can a solution be found if there is no communication?

How can all parties work together if SSM and OH don't even speak and won't speak?

I understand that he hit you and your baby and that is very wrong. I understand your concerns.

I do not understand the 'protecting my innocent child' type of comments from posters.

So what is the 6 year old if not an 'innocent child'?

He is SIX. He is a little boy not a fucking monster. Of course he shouldnt hit anyone but its hardly suprising that he does. It doesnt mean it cant be sorted out. It would take a short time of consistancy and boundaries to put a stop to it.

The OP's concern is that this wouldnt be possible.

BUT the child is not a danger ffs. He is a confused/spoilt/neglected little boy.

Jeez the way kids are demonized is terrifying.

I think your biggest battle is with the in-laws tbh, the SM doesn't sound like she will suddenly want to be mum 24/7.

He is not being demonised by me that is for sure! IF ONLY ONE PERSON IS PUTTING BOUNDARIES IN PLACE AND EVERYONE ELSE IS IGNORING THEM WHAT'S THE POINT? And yes I'm shouting lol and yes I do want to protect my DS from being hit there is nothing wrong with that!!

Yes OP. Read my post a bit more carefully and then take your caps lock off

Yes there is a battle with the inlaws, e.g. tonight we went up as soon as OH came home from work, played with SS, went out on the bike etc, 7pm OH says ok time to come in now, have a bath and put pjs on, SS started playing up, swearing and hitting, OH said I've told what we're doing you've got school tomorrow, more hitting, screaming, swearing and crying, OH mother agreed, OH father oh go on out you go to play!!!! OH no I've told him what he's doing! OH father no go out and play! Resulting in OH being undermined yet again and cue an argument between OH and father!

Why does no one not even this 6 year old childs father want to protect and nurture him

Although I would not be filled with joy at welcoming such a child in to my life it sounds as if you are the only fit adult around.
First off if he come to live in your home you need to make it very clear to your OH that it is your home and your rules, you will discipline him he will follow the house rules and the grand parents need to be kept at arms length.
Poor child, sounds like he needs you

I don't know it is a very sorry state of affairs which has been going on from day 1, a mother who doesn't really want him, and GP and father who compensate by buying him everything he wants and putting no boundaries, rules, guidlines in place through sheer guilt and as a way of showing their love I suppose and this is what the result is now but as a result of this things are getting worse and worse.

I think your dp needs to have a serious meeting with his parents at really lay the law down with them if it's going to work.

Tbh your dss is being emotionally neglected. does your dp have parental responsibility? It sounds like he needs to get a court order to say dss will be living with him!

Your dss will learn that there are different rules at different homes but you need agreement on how you will respond to x behaviour so you are on the same page and that visits to gps will be limited and not include overnight stays for x months.

I think it will be very difficult at first but he will adapt. will your dp go and speak to the school and agree behaviour strategies with them?

Honestly I am afraid for him to come and live with us because I do not know what will happen how things will pan out! I can cope with 33 children with behavioural and educational problems on a daily basis but this is a different kettle of fish.

I wonder if you could get him a referral to camhs to you have some professional support, his anger and behaviour really isn't age appropriate, is it?

I can really understand your fear but if you are committed to being with your dp then this issue isn't going to go away and the sooner it is tackled whatever the outcome the better I should think.

I was a rubbish step mum, failed big time, but I was younger and had too many of my own issues tbh - hindsight is a wonderful thing

As I said in an earlier post, I reckon everyone is tiptoeing round the lads mum xales.

This would explain not wanting to upset the boy and going totally OTT on the hands off approach, maybe he's told his mum innocently about something they've done and she's gone off on one and the DPs parents have learnt their lesson, I don't know.

The DP seems to look to his parents to know what to do for the best, for whatever reason.

Even though I feel sorry for the DS, I think the fact the DP and his parents have managed to keep the boy in contact with them speaks volumes.

No it's not a perfect situation (whose is?) but if you look at there being a reason for behaving the way they do, ie to keep in contact with a little boy who they obviously love very much, it explains a lot.

(disclaimer - massive reading between the lines/guesswork/opinon)

There might be a lot of tiptoeing because mum still has PR and can remove the child from GP anytime she wants.

If SS was cared for on a more formal standing - SGO by GP they might feel confident enough to 'upset' mother.

As it is, its all very insecure and insecure children are not happy children.

But if the issues so far have been caused by the interference of the grand parents, then surely by having this little boy live with you, then their influence is immediately reduced ?
I don't think that you have any choice in the matter of having him live with you but there ARE support systems out there. School will have access to support services - my eldest has had some one to one with a voluntary counselling service which helps kids cope with the aftermath of relationship difficulties.

It seems to me the OP is the ONLY one who is willing to nuture this child. His father and grandparents clearly don't give a fuck

She is absolutely right in not wanting her SS to move in unless some ground rules are laid out - he needs to have some boundries put in place, she should be allowed to discipline and help raise him otherwise all that will happen is this boy will carry on as he is, a spoiled, confused and angry little boy And it will end in disaster for everyone - especially for this boy.

OGMS - you need to talk to your DP, and you need to be firm with him about the conditions in which you SS comes to live with you. Hitting/swearing cannot and should not be tolerated and your DP needs to man the fuck up and start discipling his son, in a way that shows this boy that shows that he loves him and cares for him. And he should tell his parents to stop interfering and start allowing him to parent his own child.

Even if SS doesn't come to live with you, he still needs to talk to SSM about regular access including overnights at your house, so that he can have some kind of regularity in his life and quality time with his dad, you and his little brother, without interference in his parents. Seems like this poor kid has never had a stable home life and this is where you AND your DP need to step up to the base.

Your first battle is with your OH. You need to mutually agree some strategies and boundaries if your SS is to come and live with you. Saying that you have no say whatsoever with anything to do with SS is not on at all. Then the pathetic wimp needs to grow a backbone and stand up to his parents.

The second battle is with the grandparents. Personally I'd limit contact with them for a couple of months. Then tell them very clearly, in no uncertain terms "this is how we are doing things, if you don't like it then fuck off".

The third battle, and probably the easiest, is with a very scared, confused, upset little SIX year old boy, who doesn't know if he's coming or going. With a bit of consistency, some clear boundaries and a lot of love you can have him sorted out and straightened up in just a couple of weeks - really, you can.

I think it all boils down to your OH being able to grow a pair. If he can't, maybe it'd be best for him to move back in with his parents for a while. No way would I have a child living under my roof under the conditions your OH is currently trying to lay down.

I would assume you had a very good reason or were a bit of a cow.

at ormirian simplifying matters for the OP.

Not read the thread orm?

Nope

Op asked for our initial reactions based withou details. I simply obliged

hehe I love unsullied-by-the-thread posts, they get you back to the brass tacks

So your child is only 15 wks old and you said you didnt see SS for weeks on end sometimes but he has regularly attacked your baby?

You need to be wondering where a 6 yr old gets the idea to attack babies from, and calling people cunts and telling them to fuck off.

He got it from somewhere. Id be trying to find out where.