To think my DH should occasionally get up to DC?

[cathkidstonbag]

I worked out last night that DH has got up to our 4 year old probably less than 10 times in 4 years. DC has never been a good sleeper, has various medical issues which mean often wakes in evening and at night and rarely sleeps past 5am. On average probably 3 wakings a night that need to be settled down after, until 2 it was more like 7 or 8! I am bloody exhausted tbh! Most nights end up with DC in our bed or me fallen asleep on DC bedroom floor :(
Last night I was so tired and did get a bit angry about it so DH actually got up to DC this am. But he is making a big deal of it, think he's looking for a medal. I look at him sometimes when he's sleeping and I've been awake most of the night and I truly dislike him. AIBU to think he should help out a bit???

YANBU. You need to start being a bit deaf.

YANBU.... He should get up. (and certainly shouldn't expect a medal for it!)

My DH does the majority of the 'night work' with our DD. In fact, most DC's I know are seen to by thier dads at night.

Tried that Panzee, just ends up with hysterical DC who takes hours to calm down :( I know he can hear, he just chooses not to.

YANBU. No matter what else he does he should be stepping up more on this. If I were you I would have been asking for much more help, much sooner, and would have been having a long hard look at the relationship if I didn't get it.

We have 3 DCs and it has always been my job to do the night shifts ... but I'm fed up with it. The only thing he does is deal with them if they are sick in the night, he's v practical where that's concerned, I freak out a bit!

Oh I have asked for help over this. When DC was a baby I got the whole "you're the one who wanted to breastfeed" but since then the only excuse is he's too tired, or too stressed or whatever. Last night I went up to settle 8 times between 9 and 11, could have cried - all I wanted was a cup of coffee and a sit down and just to switch off from being mum :(

You should have been taking it in turns between 9 and 11 on a sat night, or in shifts. That's just not on.

I think YAdefNBU and you need to talk to him.

If he wont' even do it once a night because he's too tired or whatever, ask him how he thinks it feels to have done it at least 3 times a night for the last x years. Tell him how you feel - you are exhausted and at the end of your tether, and this will impact on the care that you give the children.

If he still won't do anything then i don't know what to suggest.

Isn't he ashamed?

He should be.

Decent men don't watch their wives struggle with tiredness while they make sure they are well rested.

What is wrong with him that makes him fail to live up to his responsibilities?

YANBU, he's being an arse. I don't think it matters that much how couples share out family responsibilities between them, but they should each have roughly equal amounts of a. free time and b. sleep. I don't understand how some men think that they are entitled to more of both than their wives.

Sardinequeen - he knows I'm exhausted, seen me struggle to function in the mornings and thinks it's ok for me to get in the car and do the school run in that state :S
Spidookly - not ashamed in the slightest. It's not his job apparently. There's a ton of problems in the marriage (I've posted on the relationships board a few times). Basically he just doesn't care less I'm thinking.
Celadon - only a junior bed in there and no way he would do that. If DC is in our bed then has to sleep on my side, DH puts a pillow barrier in middle of bed so he's not disturbed!!!

You are NOT being unreasonable. Not at all.

What a selfish shellfish.

URRGHHH YANBU, he is being a twat. Can you go away for the weekend and leave him with DCs or are you still EBF?

I elbow DH and say 'Your turn I've done it 2 or 3 times already'. I admit I do the majority but on a bad night (and you have a bad night every night) I expect him to get up. Poor you. We also have a lie in each on the weekends (DH still sleeping, mine was yesterday) and DD watches TV in the morning on weekends to keep the house quiet. It means we have a lie in each once a week. Guess that will all change now we're having another but hopefully not too much. You should definitely talk to your DH about this, it isn't right.

omg if he doesn't care about you and there are other issues then I guess this isn't really a question about sleep?

Are you thinking about calling it a day? Where are you at with all this? Clearly the current situation cannot continue.

Does he actually like you or the DCs? Because it doesn't sound like he does. Point out that if you split he'd have to do a darn sight more with the DCs on his nights than he's doing now.

I have the same problem, but my child has no health issues. Just a crap sleeper.

The only difference is that I have become a terrible mother through lack of sleep. my patience is so thin and he enjoys pointing out how terrible I am. He has asked me to leave and guess what? He wants me to leave the DC with him. He said this in front of the kids too like a bastard. My children are fickle little things that they dont seem bothered. Im horrified and vying on believing him and leaving or telling HIM to fuck off and move out.

Sorry, total hijack but I can fully empathise. x

Sardinequeen - no its not all about sleep, but it's a huge part of it tbh! I can't think rationally when im exhausted which makes everything else worse. And he tells me I am being unreasonable expecting him to get up so I needed to know if I actually was!!!
Cinnabared - don't know. Sometimes I think not. Oh he's made it quite clear if I ever leave he will emigrate so doesn't have to see or be responsible for his DCs. Knows I have huge fears about my DCs growing up without a dad so that worries me.
Ho hum ... Kind of know he is being a git about it. If he was so tired I would want to help.

YADNBU. That's terrible. Since DS was born my DH has done all wakings until 2, which means I can always rely on some sleep no matter how bad the night is. A few times he's been dropping dead with exhaustion (he works FT I'm on ML) and I've had to persuade him to let me do all the wakings for one night. He won't let me do more than one night on my own as he's concerned that I'll get too tired. He sees parenting as a 50/50 job. Clearly your DH sees it as your job that he helps out with a tiny bit from time to time. Not on. As Cinnabar said he'd have to do a lot more if you split.

Deflatedballoonbelly - sounds like the same. My DH likes to point out how crap I am at my job to my DCs :( Truth is I know I'm a bloody fab mum when I'm not tired but find it hard to be so when I'm exhausted. And mine will tell the DH that he will have to leave because mummy is so mean to him, well no sh*t Sherlock, mummy is knackered! But he wouldn't take them with him!!!

Wow just read your post saying he'd emigrate - says it all really.

Deflated, that's a horrible situation to be in, could you grant him his wish for a weekend, and see how he likes it? Or would you be afraid of what he might do?

I second the idea of a night away. Or better still a weekend away. Leave him to it so he can see how hard it is.

I agree with porpoisefull that some men seem to think they're entitled to the lion's share of free time and sleep. OP, your husband needs kicking into touch.

x-post celadon. Get out of my brain