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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DH should occasionally get up to DC?

89 replies

cathkidstonbag · 22/05/2011 09:24

I worked out last night that DH has got up to our 4 year old probably less than 10 times in 4 years. DC has never been a good sleeper, has various medical issues which mean often wakes in evening and at night and rarely sleeps past 5am. On average probably 3 wakings a night that need to be settled down after, until 2 it was more like 7 or 8! I am bloody exhausted tbh! Most nights end up with DC in our bed or me fallen asleep on DC bedroom floor :(
Last night I was so tired and did get a bit angry about it so DH actually got up to DC this am. But he is making a big deal of it, think he's looking for a medal. I look at him sometimes when he's sleeping and I've been awake most of the night and I truly dislike him. AIBU to think he should help out a bit???

OP posts:
CallMeBubblesEverybodyDoes · 22/05/2011 10:24

Oh my god, I've just read your post about him threatening to emigrate, OP. He sounds very selfish and actually quite controlling

WriterofDreams · 22/05/2011 10:24

Omg, is there anything positive about your relationship with DH? Using the kids against you is just disgusting.

kw1986 · 22/05/2011 10:25

OMG - If he's making threats about emigrating if you split up, just so he doesnt have to be responsible for his children then he is a dick!! I probably would have beat him to death with a frying pan by now and blamed lack of sleep.

YANBU!!

CantThinkOfDecentNameChange · 22/05/2011 10:26

THAT is a disgrace. How can anyone justify that. You deserve a medal.

2posh · 22/05/2011 10:26

YANBU I am guessing that you are a SAHM and DH works otherwise I cannot begin to understand where your DH is coming from. But, EVEN SO, all human beings need to get a good night's sleep at least now and again. The minimum DH should do is a Friday or Saturday night (assuming he works Monday to Friday), and really he should try to cover a second night in the week, too. Whether or not YABU, his selfish behaviour and your tiredness will combine to seep away all your love for him. Does he understand and want that?

Sigh, he probably has not thought this through - how debilitating it is night after night to be woken up. Like torture. Yes, he should have figured it out on his own but as he has not, you need to tell him plainly. Yes, it is clear that his job is important (guessing again that this is his excuse for not being disturbed in the night) as it pays for you all but that is not the beginning and end of his responsibilities.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 22/05/2011 10:28

Should read my DH tells the DC that he will have to leave because mummy is mean ...!!!

OP posts:
WriterofDreams · 22/05/2011 10:30

That's emotional abuse, omg, you realise that? Turning the children against you to keep you in line
Don't worry that the kids will believe him. They might do now but in time they will see what a shit he is.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 22/05/2011 10:33

Yes I am a SAHM. His theory being that I should catch up on sleep during the day, but quite frankly it doesn't work like that!!! Yes I know he has all the financial responsibility and I do appreciate that really I do. Nice house, nice cars, blah blah blah. But i look awful, feel awful and quite frankly don't have the energy to love him anymore. And he gets fed up that I don't want to be intimate with him, would prefer to sleep. Is that unreasonable of me too???

OP posts:
Lady1nTheRadiator · 22/05/2011 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 22/05/2011 10:35

Writerofdreams - yes I'm beginning to realise that. He told 8 year old DC a few weeks ago that daddy might have to go and mummy wouldn't let him see DC again. Cue 2 weeks of nightmares from DC - I really needed to have to deal with that too :(

OP posts:
WriterofDreams · 22/05/2011 10:35

It makes me a bit :( that you are asking whether it's unreasonable of you not to want to have sex with someone who treats you like an indentured slave. He has no respect for you as a person, just sees you as a household employee, why on earth would you want to sleep with him, even if you did have the energy?

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 22/05/2011 10:36

I don't think he really would emigrate, I do think he would make our lives hell on earth tho. I want an easy life but I need sleep too!

OP posts:
celadon · 22/05/2011 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

celadon · 22/05/2011 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CallMeBubblesEverybodyDoes · 22/05/2011 10:39

Each time I come back to this thread I am more and more open mouthed!

Threatening to emigrate because he doesn't want to look after his children? Telling the children that you're mean and making him leave? Writerofdreams is right, it's abuse

spidookly · 22/05/2011 10:46

Your life already sounds like hell on earth.

He is emotionally abusing you and your children. You need to protect them from him.

I know you're tired, but one last push is required (sound familiar? :o)

What support have you got in real life?

Who can help you get some rest and disentangle yourself from this abusive marriage?

TruthSweet · 22/05/2011 10:49

I would seriously not put up with that. At all.

DH got up with DD1 every two hours when she was little, made her bottle, brought me my pump, fed DD1 whilst I pumped, then took the pumps down stairs and sterilised it before coming back to bed. We did this until she was 8 weeks old and after that he still got up with her if I was having difficulties latching her on and needed his help/support and he did all the nappies at night.

After she was 12m and night weaned DH did all the night wakings unless it was a two person job (i.e. baby was sick and bed needed stripping/baby washing) as I was pg with DD2. When DD2 was born he did all of DD1's night wakings and helped by changing DD2's nappies/rocking her if I was exhausted. Now we have DD3 (19m) he does all of DD1 & DD2's night wakings and some of DD3's night wakings - often with out waking me in the process or will bring her into me to feed her if he can't get her to sleep.

He figures I have them all day so need a break at night from complete responsibility of all 3 children.

That's how it should be. Not you having to beg DH to wake up and do his share. I'm sure my DH would be very willing to have a talk to your DH and give him a wake up call!

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 22/05/2011 11:23

Your H is an emotionally abusive twat. Get rid of him before he really damages your DC.

Can you speak to your parents and get support from them, or any other family and friends?

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 22/05/2011 11:25

Women's Aid will give you advice and support.

0808 2000 247

Lady1nTheRadiator · 22/05/2011 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

comedycentral · 22/05/2011 11:30

I feel so sorry for you, I would honestly think about calling it a day if my OH was this selfish. x

darleneoconnor · 22/05/2011 11:32

you are being unreasonable for only wanting him to do it occasionally, he should be doing it regularly if not 50/50.

Kick his arse into gear.

Pronto.

Wamster · 22/05/2011 11:35

Well at first, I thought: 'He has to get up for work that is HIS job, you chose to be sahm, the bulk of getting up should be down to you, but he really should help out when he doesn't need to get up for work. It's all very good saying that these things should be shared, but his job is to provide the income and he can't do that if he is exhausted by getting up every night' but reading everything else you've said here, it is clear that it's not just sleep that is the issue and I have to agree that he does not sound nice at all.

spidookly · 22/05/2011 11:55

Actually this thread is pretty much the logical conclusion of the common argument that people who have jobs should never have their sleep broken by having to attend to their children.

DH and I both work, and are both capable of earning money and getting up in the night when required. If either of us stopped work for any reason the other would not suddenly find it impossible.

Insisting that one person does all the waking is about asserting status. It has fuck all to do with what is practical. Everyone needs sleep.

Wamster · 22/05/2011 11:56

If he were reasonable, you could come to some arrangement whereby you both guaranteed certain nights off each week where you could each have a good night's sleep, which seems fair; as it is you have no break at all from getting up. He is a prat for not realising that he should do some of the getting up.