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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I?? Will show DH this thread.

101 replies

TotorosOcarina · 20/05/2011 15:25

DH has been in touch with an old workmate through facebook. He wants to meet up, including his mates wife and kids.

He has invited them for a BBQ tomorrow without letting me know beforehand. I don't want them to come because ...

a) I just gave birth last Wednesday ans still haven't managed to get myself together and even get out of the house (bar 1 esesstial, disastourous trip)

b) the house is a shit tip because of baby arriving and us being distracted by new arrival

c) the weather says its going to piss it down tomorrow meaning we WON'T be having a nice BBQ in the garden- we will end up sat in our TINY livingroom with 4 adults and 7, yes seven children under 6.

And this is a family I have never met before.

So AIBU in asking him to cancel??

OP posts:
TobyLerone · 20/05/2011 16:16

Sorry, that last paragraph was off the point and not aimed at the OP or anyone else here. It's just something that I find odd. And I'm fully aware that I'm in the minority.

TobyLerone · 20/05/2011 16:18

Look, I get it, Elf. Really I do. It's just not something I'd have a problem with. That's all. The OP asked for opinions.

jeckadeck · 20/05/2011 16:23

TobyLerone fine, each to their own, and I agree its partly cultural: my DH comes from a country where people are constantly in and out of one another's houses without a by your leave, let alone an arrangement, and he thinks its really anal that I have to put arrangements to see friends in the diary. But its not so much dictating what people should and shouldn't do after having a baby, its the fact that the OP's other half apparently didn't think it might be worth consulting her first, despite the fact that she's been through a major medical ordeal, which I find pretty staggering. A week after labour, no less.

spidookly · 20/05/2011 16:23

It irritates me when people who like showing off their babies and being out and about as soon as possible try to put pressure on everyone else to feel the same way they do.

Wanting some quiet time after your baby is born is entirely normal and reasonable and people who can't deal with that and think it is rude and precious are pretty damn precious themselves.

Dilligaf81 · 20/05/2011 16:24

Oh my god why are men so unreasonable??
My DH invited both his brothers with kids (5) and partners to ours for a BBQ 2 days after having DC 4 and only being home one day - I thought that was bad but they were family Although I still havent forgiven my BIL's now Ex who when I answered the door said "Wow Im thinner than you!!
Really delighted Sad they split up.

spidookly · 20/05/2011 16:25

And I come from a massive family that are in and out of each other's homes without a by your leave.

But they are not cunts and when someone has a baby they just want them to be happy, so they don't get their nose out of joint if it takes them a while to want visitors.

manicinsomniac · 20/05/2011 16:27

YANBU at all. I can see that he had good intentions though (and perhaps in his head he's thinking, 'well, she did say after the baby's born and it is born' :p!) and doesn't deserve an earbashing.

It's true that some people are happy to socialise or work straight away but it totally depends on the birth imo and you can't make comparisons, every time is different.

When my first daughter was born I was 20 and at university. I went out with friends 4 nights later and stayed out till 3am. I went to lectures the next day too (oh the joys of being young and having no other kids!)
But when my second daughter was born 4.5 years later I only left the house to do the school run and buy essentials and the idea of going out turned my stomach for a good month.

BitchTeaRiskit · 20/05/2011 16:30

YANBU, DH asked some workmates over for a BBQ the other week and I had no valid excuse of just having a baby but I still got him to cancel because I hadnt been given enough time to make the place look good.

TobyLerone · 20/05/2011 16:32

Spidookly, I'm assuming your comment was aimed at me and I found it slightly unnecessary, considering that I'm not trying to "put pressure on everyone else to feel the same way [I] do."

Neither are my family cunts Hmm

Lesson learned: don't give an opinion on an AIBU thread where 100% of previous posters are in agreement with the OP.

I hope you manage to sort this, OP, and that he cancels without a fuss.

Bumfuzzle · 20/05/2011 16:33

valhalla - that's what you picked out from my post? How? How did you ignore the whole him being unreasonable thing I said? How did you not get that refusing to participate is Making A Point?

So yes. I am 'seriously suggesting' that someone should pass the message that - "you know what, have them round if you want, but don't expect me to hang around and wait on you all. I'm voting with my feet, mate. you inconsiderate sod" I think it is good to say that you will not have anything to do with something that you feel is out of order. and if that means physically removing yourself, (or making it clear that that is what you intend to do) I think that makes a very clear point.

gapants · 20/05/2011 16:36

op and ops DH sounds like a great idea in principle, however as it turns out MRsTO not up to it, so please re-schedule.

YANBU at all.

CoffeeDodger · 20/05/2011 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spidookly · 20/05/2011 16:40

You're getting in little digs about how people who don't feel like you are being "precious" and "rude", so you are putting pressure on people to do as you do.

And it wasn't insinuating that your family are cunts. I'm sure they'd be just find being told that a woman who'd just had a baby wasn't up to having visitors and not make some song and dance about how irritating and precious she was being.

Gooseberrybushes · 20/05/2011 16:44

snort

I have read your op and nothing else and have no doubt there are three pages of people telling him to jump for it

quite frankly if he goes ahead I would move into a hotel for the weekend

nob

Gooseberrybushes · 20/05/2011 16:46
Shock

some people are disagreeing?????????????????????????????

great heavens to betsy

CantThinkOfDecentNameChange · 20/05/2011 16:46

is he for real?

TobyLerone · 20/05/2011 16:47

Heh, Gooseberrybushes. One person is disagreeing.

Grin
Gooseberrybushes · 20/05/2011 16:48

oh that's ok

as you were

Sidge · 20/05/2011 16:49

The main thing that would be the clincher for me would be the weather - if I could sit in the garden with the baby or potter about, whilst DH cleaned, cooked, served, hosted, topped up glasses, looked after the other children and cleaned it all up afterwards I wouldn't particularly mind having a BBQ at ours. You still need to eat, the other children might enjoy the company and as long as it's only for a couple of hours then it could be nice.

But if the forecast is poor and you'd all be squeezed inside then no, not a good plan.

The idea itself isn't completely unreasonable IMO but should have been run past you before he confirmed it with his friend.

TobyLerone · 20/05/2011 16:50

^^

It's been said before...

diddl · 20/05/2011 16:53

Sidge has expressed it very well, I think.

BrandyAlexander · 20/05/2011 17:22

Blimey! I also gave birth last week. Even though we have had lots of visitors (family), I would be seriously upset with dh if he pulled a stunt like this. YADNBU.

Xales · 20/05/2011 17:41

a) well if you want to go and be sociable downstairs do so, if you want to go and sleep/read a book do so.

b) don't do a stroke of tidying., let him do and organise it all as he has made the invitation. don't even apologies for the state of things.

c) as others have said make yourself and bubs comfortable else where and leave him to it or go out to family.

Original poster
TotorosOcarina · 20/05/2011 17:48

Toby. i had a homebirth and had all my sisters, dad, mum and aunt round about 3 hours after the birth, im not precious, i just don't know these people from adam!

OP posts:
FakePlasticTrees · 20/05/2011 17:58

YANBU - OP's DH - be sensible. Cancel this. Even if it's completely fine, you'll be paying for this for the next 20 odd years - every arguement, every time you talk about your DC's birth, every time you're out as a couple and someone else complains about their OH being insensitive it'll be brought out as an example of your inconsiderate behaviour....

Make life easy for youself, cancel. You can either mildly irriate an ex colleague, or massively annoy your wife. Which would you prefer?