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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I?? Will show DH this thread.

101 replies

TotorosOcarina · 20/05/2011 15:25

DH has been in touch with an old workmate through facebook. He wants to meet up, including his mates wife and kids.

He has invited them for a BBQ tomorrow without letting me know beforehand. I don't want them to come because ...

a) I just gave birth last Wednesday ans still haven't managed to get myself together and even get out of the house (bar 1 esesstial, disastourous trip)

b) the house is a shit tip because of baby arriving and us being distracted by new arrival

c) the weather says its going to piss it down tomorrow meaning we WON'T be having a nice BBQ in the garden- we will end up sat in our TINY livingroom with 4 adults and 7, yes seven children under 6.

And this is a family I have never met before.

So AIBU in asking him to cancel??

OP posts:
Yama · 20/05/2011 15:37

YANBU

He shouldn't inviting people without consulting you first.

Really easy for him to phone friend back and cancel. The friend will probably be relieved.

manicbmc · 20/05/2011 15:38

I have an inexplicable urge to watch My Neighbour Totoro and have no idea why Grin

LoopyLoopsBettyBoops · 20/05/2011 15:39

YANBU, pub lunch in a few weeks is the best thing.

How can he possibly think it's OK?

If you're reading this Totoro's DH, Totoros needs rest and time with her family, and needs to avoid stress. Please see sense.

ihatecbeebies · 20/05/2011 15:39

YANBU, Cancel, I'm pretty sure the other family will understand,

and congratulations xxx

Original poster
TotorosOcarina · 20/05/2011 15:40

Vall, it is just thoughtlessness I think, hes a real superstar hes been handling the 3 other kids so me and the baby can just feed and sleep whenever we want, he does all the school runs, does al the reading/homewor. Does all the cleaning up, dishwasher clothes...ect.. and most dinners and all breakfasts too.

I suggested he just go meet his mate, but I think he wants me to be friends with the wife, she seems lovely and I don't really have any friends so i truelly think hes trying to do good by gettis socailing with a family our age, with kids same age as ours, but its just not the right time!

OP posts:
Xenia · 20/05/2011 15:40

Silly silly him. Just don't do a single stroke of effort towards it. Tell him you will be too tired to attend and will be in bed restingb ut that he is welcome to hold it if he wants. he can even take the baby downstairs for an hour so you get some real sleep and rest. It could be a chance for you to catch up on street. Don't tidy or do anything at all.

frgaaah · 20/05/2011 15:41

Sorry, he wants to entertain a family at your home 9 days after you gave birth, and all the associated work/entertainment that needs to go along with it?

Apart from the fact that you'll be trying to get into a routine with the new baby, and thus don't need to be faffing with buying in extra food, cleaning up, and whatever - even at the best of times adult entertainment + 7 children when you don't know the family is stressful!

Your DH has been remarkably selfish/ignorant/naive in this, tbh.

I can't even guess at why he did it. "Didn't think"? Maybe? But even then he's bound to be aware that you just gave birth 9 days ago, and have some idea of the work involved in bringing new guests into your home?

You need to cancel (or rather, your DH needs to), and re-arrange for a more suitable time.

Or your DH can take them out and entertain them. Then when they ask where you are, he can be honest and say "well my wife just gave birth last week".

Honestly. YANBU at all.

It took me about 2 or 3 months to feel "presentable" (in terms of time to shower, get dressed in things other than a bathrobe and take some time to properly brush my hair), 9 days to present yourself to new people you're bringing into the home is just taking the piss.

Is he as selfish/ignorant of other's feelings in other aspects of your life too? It wouldn't surprise me. It doesn't sound as if he's really considered you in any of this.

saffy85 · 20/05/2011 15:43

YANBU Shock at your DH wtf is he playing at?!

Postpone. They'll understand. Meanwhile, put your feet up OP and enjoy the hazy, exhausted happiness that a newborn entails.

Congratulations! Smile

Vallhala · 20/05/2011 15:46

Glad to hear it! TotorosDH, you sound lovely but that idea was a bit of a cock-up, wasn't it?! :o

Bunfuzzle, are you seriously suggesting that ANYONE, much less a new mother, should feel obligated to leave her own house or be hounded out of her own sitting room in order to accomodate strangers? Hmm

This shouldn't be IMHO a case of, "Take yourself to Mum's lovey and let DH host it" it should be a case of tell DH that these people are NOT coming to your house at present!

Sassybeast · 20/05/2011 15:48

YANBU. This reminds me of a similar situation when DD1 was a few days old. 'Ex' DH (note the emphasis on ex MrOscarina Wink ) invited all the neighbours around for an impromptu bar -b -que. I was deep in the throes of the baby blues, couldn't physically sit down and was so exhausted I couldn't formulate a sentence having had a PPH and 4 units of blood transfused. Unfortunately, he continued to be an insenstitive, uncaring git but YOU dear reader have the opportunity to back pedal furiously and put this right!

TobyLerone · 20/05/2011 15:55

Clearly I'm in the minority (as in I'm the only one!), but I wouldn't mind this at all.

It's a BBQ so he can do all the cooking. And he can tidy this evening, as he was the one who invited them.

I can see why you wouldn't want to, but if it were me, I'd be OK with it.

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 20/05/2011 15:59

I had DD by section, and eight days afterwards I was at a wedding for a family friend (just the evening reception) along with DH and newborn DD. I managed to make myself look presentable, which was all fine, we didn't stay long. That was fine, I didn't mind going.

however, if eight days after the arrival of DD, Dh had invited people around to the house, particularly people I didn't know, the pressure would have been too much. Getting the house tidy, not being able to really leave if things got too much... in a week or so, a trip out somewhere for both families would be a good idea, but I wouldn't want strangers in my house so close after a baby arriving, and being under pressure to get the house straight etc.

jeckadeck · 20/05/2011 16:01

You are not being remotely unreasonable. What in god's name is your DH thinking? I'm assuming this is a first child and therefore he doesn't really know what he's doing?

Original poster
TotorosOcarina · 20/05/2011 16:02

Toby, its pissing it down, there won't be a BBQ, it will be 11 peple crampd in a living room of a tiny terraced house with no where to go!

OP posts:
Original poster
TotorosOcarina · 20/05/2011 16:03

jeck its our 4th.

OP posts:
Ormirian · 20/05/2011 16:04

Good lord! No YANBU.

cannydoit · 20/05/2011 16:04

if your are reading this op husband monstrously stupid and bad and mostly inconsiderate decision.

TobyLerone · 20/05/2011 16:05

I have a huge family, so on the day I came home from hospital there were more than 11 people in my tiny terraced-house living room.

I'm just saying I'd be ok with it, personally. But I can see why people are often slightly more precious about things like this.

QuickLookBusy · 20/05/2011 16:07

I would just tell him you want to meet his friends, but not this weekend. Get him to phone the friend to cancel tomorrow and to make a new arrangement for a few weeks time at the pub.

Everyone happy.

SpringFollows · 20/05/2011 16:07

Lord, you are SO NBU. Nightmare.

Can you ask him to just postpone them? They will understand!!!!!

Rather sweet though he is so keen to show his family off though. Delay even a week or so... heavens above.

frgaaah · 20/05/2011 16:08

TobyLerone, maybe you have a considerate family. My best friend's DH allowed his side of the family to visit on the day my BM came home from the hospital (section - which ended up getting infected, not nice at all) and she ended up having to just go upstairs to get them to leave. She has a MIL that expects an endless supply of tea, to hold the baby all the time, and really, most new mums just want some quiet bonding time. And if they do want it, they should get it.

I made sure never to let that happen with my (well meaning but often demanding) in laws (and parents too for that matter)!!

HipHopOpotomus · 20/05/2011 16:10

Hey congrats on your new baby!!! You are so NBU - your babymoon should not be disturbed like this. Ask him to cancel and arrange a new date only once you are feeling up to it. Preferably not at your home.

DD2 is 17 days old and I'm still enjoying lazy unpressured days. All will change once DD1 is on half term from
Nursery but until then I'm enjoying my days being slow paced and baby centered. All else can wait.

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 20/05/2011 16:12

Toby - but that is family, its different. We had family come up when I came out of hospital, they accept that your house will look like shit and know how to find their way around your kitchen. You can say to them "sorry the house looks like shit and I'm still in my PJ's..."

The OP's husband has invited people the OP doesn't know yet. Obviously she wants to make a good impression on these people and perhaps form friendships with them, its not an ideal first meeting situation.

moondog · 20/05/2011 16:15

What an absolute fucking idiot.

TobyLerone · 20/05/2011 16:15

Not particularly. It's just that I hadn't had a section, I was healthy and fit (if a little achy), and was perfectly capable of making a few teas and shoving some pizzas in the oven. I wasn't ill, I'd just had a baby, and TBH I was loving the attention and showing off my new baby.

It kind of irritates me, TBH, when people are so insistent that they should be left alone for a month or whatever when they've had a baby, to the point of being rude to anyone who dares to ask if they can visit.