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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you mind if your friend fancied your DH?

84 replies

MooMooFarm · 19/05/2011 09:55

Because I don't think I do mind - but someone has commented that it's a bit strange so now I'm wondering if I'm too easy going!

I have a friend, not my BF, who I see every month or so for a shopping trip and a coffee/gossip. She is single, about my age and has children from a previous marriage (she's been single for years and goes on loads of dates through the net).

Anyway, she has always gone on about how hunky and lovely my DH is, and how lucky I am, how we're the happiest couple she knows, etc. To me that is fair enough - he is lovely and treats me fantastically. So to me she is just seeing that - she has had lots of crap relationships so obviously sees the contrast in him. She jokingly says it in front of him, and it's been like that so long that we all joke about it. She doesn't flirt with him other than in a very silly Barbara Windsor way, and he usually just gets a bit embarrased and keeps out of the way - he's a blokes bloke, he doesn't do girly chat, so he keeps his head down when any of my friends are around.

But a family member recently witnessed this banter (which is what I see it as) and took me aside and said she wouldn't like it and she wouldn't trust her as she's single and clearly sees my H as a catch! I was so shocked she said it that I laughed, but it did make me wonder if I'm the unusual one not minding? I trust DH 100% and have no reason not to. I also trust my friends, but TBH, even if I didn't it wouldn't matterbecause I trust my DH.

So should I be wary of her? Would you be happy to be friends with someone like that?

OP posts:

Original poster

MooMooFarm · 19/05/2011 09:55

PS not sure if AIBU is the right place for this

OP posts:

nethunsreject · 19/05/2011 09:56

It sounds fine and normal to me.

SequinsAndSparkles · 19/05/2011 09:57

I don't think I'd mind, as long as obviously she never actually tried to make a move. I think I'd just feel smug

ChristinedePizan · 19/05/2011 09:59

Trust her? What about trusting your husband? Women can't steal other men's husbands like they are a crisp tenner when you're not looking.

If it doesn't bother you, don't let a paranoid person destroy your friendship. I'm single and I make jokes about how gorgeous my sister's husband is. I'd be horrified (and very hurt) if she -or he for that matter - ever took them seriously.

LatherRinseRepeatAsNeeded · 19/05/2011 09:59

I think you've answered your own question. You trust your DH and your friend, if you had any concerns then I would say maybe you should be wary.

But I would say take it as flattery, she thinks you have a great H, always a nice thing to have confirmed.

YANBU

I quite like the fact that one of the mums I know fancies my DP, makes me feel like I definitely got a good'un this time (unlike XDP - but that's another story)

Reality · 19/05/2011 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bartimaeus · 19/05/2011 10:01

It sounds like she fancies your relationship, not your DH! And as long as she's realistic enough to know that your relationship is like it is because you are 50% of it then it doesn't matter.

Original poster

MooMooFarm · 19/05/2011 10:01

Well sequins TBH I am maybe a bit smug, I mean it's lovely to sit around being told how lucky you are. I suppose it's got me wondering because it's a close family member who said it was wrong, and they probably think they are being protective of me. If it was just another friend I probably would have ignored it.

OP posts:

jeckadeck · 19/05/2011 10:05

"Flirting" is a very broad term which covers everything from smiling and having a joke to slow dancing together. From what you've said it sounds like the stuff your friend does is pretty innocent and good-natured she's also upfront about it which is a pretty good indication that there's no ulterior motive and therefore I think your family member is probably being a little bit prudish and/or sensitive. I probably wouldn't worry too much about this sort of flirting, personally. Having said that, if it bothers you then you should say something. You're the only barometer of whether its OK or not, don't worry about what other people think, and if you're cool with it then don't worry too much about it.

Clytaemnestra · 19/05/2011 10:05

Doesn't sound like your DH particularly enjoys it if it makes him stay out of the way, maybe he would rather she stopped regardless of whether you are bothered or not.

If one of DH's friends constantly flirted with me it would irritate me TBH, and vice versa. Unless DH becomes friends with Johnny Depp, in which case I'd put up with it.

NotShortImFunSized · 19/05/2011 10:06

I don't think there is anything wrong with it tbh.

Most females in my family fancy my dp, it's a bit of a running joke. Plenty of harmless flirting/banter when we all meet up but that's all it is.

I'm smug too

YANBU

Original poster

MooMooFarm · 19/05/2011 10:07

Christine I did say I trust my friend and my DH. I think you may be right about the person who said it having their own 'issues' which would mean they probably wouldn't trust anybody very much... That's interesting.

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coppertop · 19/05/2011 10:09

I could understand the "He's lovely" comments and being pleased that you're happy. I don't get why she needs to keep saying he's hunky and has to flirt with him.

If your dh is embarrassed then it's obviously not much fun for him either.

JeremyKylesPetProject · 19/05/2011 10:11

My DH is handsome (he kind of looks like a cross between David Blaine and David Schwimmer with a bit of Kayvan Novak thrown in) He used to get a lot of attention and even when he wasn't aware I could see him he still didn't flirt with other women although he was pleasant enough to them. He's an ex police officer and he used to have women (and some men :o ) ask him out when on duty. Something about a man in uniform I think. When he was pursuing me I have to be honest and say I never expected it to last as policemen have a rep for whoring about. It was unfair though. He has never given me reason to doubt him. It was my insecurities that could have ended it for us. I trust him 100%. Women can look at him all they want. Its me he comes home too. If he did mess about that would be it for us. I'm not second best.

Original poster

MooMooFarm · 19/05/2011 10:12

Clytaemnestra He isn't bothered by it - when we're on our own after I've seen her he laughs about it - but he just doesn't do girly chat so he never hangs around much when my friends are there. And it's not constant - that would be annoying to me!

What the family member saw was when we were all sitting in the garden whilst DH was putting together a climbing frame. It was a hot day and he had his top off. My friend made a couple of remarks about the view in the garden being a bonus and was it time for a diet coke break. That was it!

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saffy85 · 19/05/2011 10:13

Long as you don't feel threatened what's the problem?

I had this once with a "friend". It got old really quickly. "Oh Saffy your boyfriend is so sweet. Your boyfriend is so gorgeous!" Is one thing. I didn't mind that so much. But I really didn't like the "Be careful Saffy coz if you don't look after him I'll have him!" especially when she knew I'd had an arguement with him. Boyfriend used to flirt back occassionally, guess he was flattered that a very pretty girl 10 years younger than him appeared to fancy him. His mate apparently found out about this and was incredulous that he flirted back and said he should stop, which he did.

I'm still with my DP 6 years on but not really friends with my friend IYSWIM. We keep tabs on eachother via FB but that's about it.

Original poster

MooMooFarm · 19/05/2011 10:15

And the flirting is more like she'll (sometimes) say something like she said in the garden, I laugh, he rolls his eyes and says 'right I'll leave you to it' and slopes off (with a big grin on his face).

OP posts:

ChristinedePizan · 19/05/2011 10:16

Sorry I didn't mean to say that you didn't trust either of them but that it's where your relative is clearly coming from. Which is a bit sad. And I think what your friend says just shows she is really comfortable with you and your DH. So many women in relationships shun single women which is so sad.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 19/05/2011 10:19

It wouldn't bother me. My DH is hot, but then so am I

Bogeyface · 19/05/2011 10:23

I think instinct is usually a good indicator.

If your instinct is telling you that they are both fine and to be trusted 100% then go with that.

My instinct threw up something a year or so ago about a friend and my DH. I could just tell that there was something wrong. We now know that she does fancy him and by keeping and eye on the situation me (and another friend who sees her more often than I do) have noticed that she is trying to freeze me out. DH is mortified and when he realised what was going on has backed off from her and doesnt answer texts etc. Its a shame as they were good friends for years, we all were, but since she split with her DH she seems to have latched onto mine! She is always trying to arrange evenings out that deliberately dont include me, she even managed to switch her access weekends off (when the kids are with her ex) around so she is free on the weekends that we arent so that DH would go out with her and I couldnt as I had to stay at home! That was a deliberate thing that my other friend found out about. Sadly she didnt bank on the fact that DH doesnt like going out without me unless it is for a lads night out and when she rang he would ask me if we had a babysitter and then say that we couldnt make it. She didnt like that at all and made a few barbed comments to me about him being under the thumb. Her obvious attempts at copping off with him have dmaged her socially though as now she is left off invite lists by our friends. She did try to snog him at a party last year and that was the final straw for DH, as he had tried to stay friends with her til then. She actually said afterwards, to our other friend "Its a shame Bogey didnt see that...." and wouldnt be drawn so I assume she wanted me to kick off and dump DH!

I really wish she would pack it in and move on because she is wrecking her life and making herself look very silly. :(

Original poster

MooMooFarm · 19/05/2011 10:31

Bogeyface that's awful - what a cow! My friend would never act like that - she is my friend and just an acquantance of DH's through me.

Straying from the point a bit - I am really curious about why you picked your mumsnet name...

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 19/05/2011 10:35

It would not bother me. As has already been said, you get a gut instinct for if there is anything in it or not.

If she was regularly trying to instigate situations where she was on her own with him, and was pushing you out, or texting/having private contact with him, then yes, worry, but this just sounds like a harmless crush, and a compliment to you too.

Grabaspoon · 19/05/2011 10:35

I must say I am a single and I "fancy" my friends husband - but it's innocent - I don't see him and I together etc he's just a bit of "eye candy" in fact several of my other friends who don't know him but have seen photos also comment on his looks etc.

I know he and his wife are very happy together and it would never cross my mind to flirt or say anything to him/them. Although DF and I have discussed how good looking her DH is

Bogeyface · 19/05/2011 10:41

MooMoo, its awful for her. I really dont think that she realises just how badly she is making herself look infront of everyone and how it is affecting her socially. She has mentioned a couple of parties she didnt get invited to but everyone just played it down. I hope she gets over her crush soon!

There is a world of difference between her and your friend and I wouldnt consider your friend to be any kind of threat at all, as I said, stick with your instinct :)

Bogeyface · 19/05/2011 10:42

And the name came from a nickname we use in our house if someone has a cold! "YUCK! come and blow your nose bogeyface" :o

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