to say nothing to a boy's parents about his behaviour?

[pingu2209]

He is only 8 - as is my ds. They are friends in school but have an uneasy friendship. I am a SAHM and his mum works so every few weeks I look after the boy so she can attend a meeting/training etc.

Over a period of 9 months the boy has been really horrible to my ds, who has SEN. My son's SEN mean he is frustrating to deal with and he is at least 1-2 years behind academically. When I have looked after him (sometimes over night) so his mum can do the odd late night for work, he speaks to my ds with utter contempt, regularly saying how much better he is at everything than my ds. He is also rude to me.

About 6 months ago he attacked my ds in the lunch queue (biting, hitting, kicking) Both his parents and I were called in. The boy was sent home for the rest of the day, and I had to try and calm my ds down (he becomes hysterical, which is part of his SEN). The mum was so apologetic and was really upset so I said, never mind, lets just move on.

Things came to a head about 3 months ago when he made all 3 of my dc cry when he came over. In fact he nearly made me cry as he was so horrible - I can't say what he said as I don't want anyone to recognise me on here.

I know I should have spoken to his mother about her son's behaviour but I just can't. It would be really really difficult.

Instead I went to the school, who although can't do anything about out of school incidents, they said that he have seen the boy be nasty to my ds in school a few times. Whilst they didn't say so, I think that the boy is nasty to other children as well. The school decided that this boy's behaviour was an issue generally and they would watch him.

I heard no more about it, but decided to keep the boy at very long arms length.

2 nights ago the mum asked me if she could speak to me about her ds. Deep breath in! She wanted advice! She said that there is now a daily communication between the school and her about her ds behaviour. She said she didn't like the teacher and felt she was picking on her ds. I said nothing. She said she had gone to the head to complain but the head had said that the teacher was really experienced and that her ds' behaviour did require alteration because he was upsetting a few of his friends.

I realise this was my prime opportunity to say, yes I know, he has done it to my ds, but I bottled it again. I also think I have let things go for so long that for me to list all that her ds has done/said, she would be really angry at me for not telling her.

Today, my ds came home and said that the boy had hit him again in the playground and the boy had been given a 10 minute detention, again.

You lost your chance to bring it up and you should not have done, you could have said well actually we have problems when he stays with us.

I do think you should not be subjecting your child to this boy in his own home, that is really unfair and you have to stop that. You had a good opportunity to raise the problems but left it, your child comes first not this boy, so don't have him in your home if he causes disharmony.

Thats you should have done.

I agree with Fabby (again!)

How is she supposed to understand and cope with her son's behaviour if you aren't prepared to gently tell her some of the truth in a supportive way?
Not all, but some?
She thinks that the teacher is picking on her boy because the teacher is the only one trying to help her son manage his behaviour, and enable him to learn effectively and socialise.
You can help her, and yourself. if only you can get the courage to speak to her honestly. Challenging behaviour doesn't change if all around stick their heads in the sand and wish things were different. Please try and be her friend.

Be her friend but put your son first.

I think you should tell her. Because unless she knows fully about the issues her ds has regarding behaviour/kindness/friendships she is not going to be able to help him effectively.

So by telling her not only are you doing YOUR ds a favour, you are also, in the long run, helping her and her ds.

Talk to her.

Oh, I agree that your son should come first, and that you should stop looking after the other child as the impact on your son, and you is so negative, but that would mean you have to give a reason for stopping.
Could you do that to make your own child more secure and happy in his own home?

Even though you missed that opportunity which probably took you by surprise, you could still speak to her. In fact this way you get to work out what you want to say in advance.

You can be totally honest and say when she first approached you that you were to scared/concerned it would upset your friendship or whatever reason it was that made you brush over it.

And you say kindly that there's been problems when her son is over at yours. And problems in school.

She's going to be upset. Who wants to hear that about their kid? But you do sound to have a good heart and she must rate you to trust you to look after her child. And tell her you'll help her with what ever direction she decides to go.

But I think you have to have this tough conversation. I think she might initially be upset but it won't be about you. So let her sort it out in her head on what she wants to do about it and let's hope she goes in the direction of getting help for this kid.

I agree with Fabby and Pancake flipper and everyone else.

I think your son matters more and you have to deal with this.

you really should be putting your childs needs first. sod the other child. can you explain to your friend that your son is being bullied by the boy and that you will either a) avoid having him in the house or b) will put him in time out if he is hurtful. Either way the boy is deeply unhappy to act in such a way. you need to take a stand but you can do it in a constructive way.

I agree that it is not too late to talk to her - say you were taken by surprise,concerned about friendship, would like to tell her about difficulties etc

you really need to talk to her. My DD is a bit of a thug and I appreciate people telling me when she has been rude/physical, so that I can nip it in the bud and keep reinforcing the good behaviour.
Also, you need to stop this child coming over to your house. Friend or no friend, I would not have a child in the house who behaved in this way. Your kids need to feel safe in their own home, and that you are there for them.

Agree with the others. I feel you are actually letting your son down by not talking about it to your friend.

Perhaps this situation may have been mitigated by an earlier intervention from her. But she is in the dark and you are not dispelling any myths she has about the teacher handling it wrong.

She needs to have the same information as you, the teacher, the head, presumably the other kids parents. etc Really unfair to everyone involved.

I know that you are all correct. I know I should speak to the mum and say, XXXX has been really "challenging" since October last year. However, I know that she will be extremely angry with me for not saying anything.

After the incident when he even made me want to cry, I thought, that is it, I will tell the parents and if they no longer wish to speak to me, fine. However, there is another factor that has made me say nothing. The boys dad is my ds rugby coach, and my ds lives for his rugby. I do think that my ds sport will be affected.

The other day his mum did comment on the fact that XXXX is an only child, so normally he plays with his dad or her. When they play a game it is with an adult who knows the rules, can understand easily and listen to his ideas. She felt that he isn't used to playing with other children who don't necessarily play by the rules, listen to him etc.

I have tried not to invite XXXX round to our home. However, the last 2 times he has come over I have asked to have him (rather than invited) and been put in a situation where I can't say no. Firstly I was phoned at 4pm to ask if I was doing anything. I said no, thinking I was being asked down the pub. But instead I was asked if I could have XXXX overnight so she and her dh could go out.

The second time, the mum came to school with her diary and pen and asked me and 2 other mums if we could look after XXXX after school on a few days so she could work later on a project (she is a project manager). I really couldn't say no, because she would just chose a different date - she had her diary open with her!

Are there any other rugby groups in the area? I definitely wouldnt have the child at yours if that is happening - I have a challenging ds though and I too would be really upset if I thought he had behaved this way and noone had told me. I cant change things I dont know about.

The mum may be upset, but it doesn't sound like she'll be angry. She's already acknowledging things are not quite right with her son. She has no right to be angry, remind yourself of that - you are being used as free childcare.

BTW, if a child is rude to me or my DCs in my house, I reprimand them for it - did you?

Me too prettyfly - the worst thing I can think of is not to be told

Does your son ever go to their house?

Oh I do tell him off - regularly. In fact I just treat him like he is one of my own children. So much so that when the mum came round once to pick him up she said that she noticed that when I shout at them for misbehaving, I shout her ds name before my own ds.

I wouldn't be nasty to him, but I have come close. When he lists all the things he can do better than my ds I said "well my ds has a better personality than you!"

I don't mind looking after a child to help another mum out. I don't mind being 'free childcare' as it itsn't weekly or fortnightly - about once every 6 weeks or so. It isn't unreasonable.

As for other rugby clubs, yes but it isn't that simple. He has played there for 3 years, has friends there and because he has SEN, the coach (the boys dad) really watches out for him and makes sure he understands something before moving on to something else.

The rugby thing is a massive issue. My ds lives for rugby, as he doesn't do well at school, rugby and sport generally is really important to him to give him confidence.

That sounds like your main worry, then. I really understand how important int is when you DC finds something that makes such a difference to them. Do you really think they would be vindictive about it?

But if you wanted him to have confidence why encourage/allow a friend into his home who demeans him. I think you have to tell her now?

Sorry, weird punctuation above!

I'm still not sure if I will tell her. I just don't have the strength to do it. I read all the MIL or SIL threads and think, for God sake OP just tell the witch to bugger off. Not so easy in real life!

I can't risk the rugby side of his life. Yes JamieAgain, I think there is a strong possibility that my ds would be sub more often than not.

They are sounding less and less nice as time goes on, actually. And he sounds spoiled.

Why are you continuing to look after a child that bullies and hurts your child - feck politeness - tell the mother what her son is like and back your bloody kids up.

Drives me mad mums thinking that they would rather not rock the boat whilst their kids are being made to put up with someone in their home, where they should be happy and safe, make them feel horrible and uncomfortable.

Do you not realise you are allowing someone who is in effect abusing your children verbally and physically into your childs space which should be safe for them - a refuge.