To wonder why my older sis is so uninterested in our family

[sorrytosayivebeenthere]

Hi I am no 3 of 4 children (all adults now) 49, 47, 42 and 38

My older sis is the eldest, then my bro, me and younger sis. Our parents split when I was 18 so 24 years ago, both remarried, Never really got to know my dads wife as he is a funny man not very interested in us anymore.

Both myself and my db are still in contact with him although it is limited, My sisters have no contact, Older one cos she can't be arsed to make the effort, He is very hard work and I think very old school and if we don't make the effort then he will hold a grudge.

Younger sis didn't speak to him for years and then when her dh died last year my dad called her but no contact since.( I lost contact for a few years whilst with my abusive ex but when my bro told my dad about it he called me and we have been in contact since)

A few years after my mum and dad split my mum met and married a wonderful man, they were sweethearts at school, met up by chance, and my younger sis and I went to school with his 3 sons, He has been more than a stepdad to us and has been the only real grandad that my kids have known.

sorry if i'm going on a bit but felt a bit of history would be needed.

Well if you were to ask all four of us about our childhood I know that 3 of us would say we had a good childhood, hardworking dad, very loving mum who worked pt, My dad wasn't a very physical person, I cannot remember ever having a cuddle when I was young or anything but he was there for us and provided what we needed, We respected and looked up to him cos he was our dad, I do remember a few rows between my parents in my teens but nothing really bad.

My older sis reckons we all had a crap childhood,

Well now back to the present, Me, 2 sisters ( kids) and mum and stepdad all live in same area, my bro lives a fair bit away and works really hard but still finds the time to visit when he can and phones my mum regularly,

Both myself and my younger sis are very close to my mum, My mum is very good with my niece and takes care of her before and after school as my younger sis has to work, My older sis couldn't give a shit about any of us to be honest, she never visits or phones or texts unless there is a birthday or very special event,

She lives 10 minutes away from us by car (she drives, we don't) but no bus route so for us to go to her would take prob 40 min walking, not that she has ever invited any of us to her flat in 4 years,

It is my stepdads birthday today and my mum has heard nothing from her, my ex bro in law (who we are still very close to him as she left him for someone else and he is the father of my niece's) has dropped a card in but she will not bother, she never has for my stepdad.

My mum cannot understand why she is the way she is towards family, she always has more than enough time for friends but family doesn't seem to matter.

My mum says that she prob thinks that if there is a problem then one of us will let her know but I cannot understand why she can go months at a time wothout speaking to us, just to see how things are going or to catch up on any gossip, to see my little niece whos is almost 6 and just a wonderfull little girl,

I do not get how that out of four of us one can be so uninterested and cold towards close family members, we all grew up together, my bro was only 2 years after her, why does she have such a different perspective on our childhood?

No idea.

But she does. And she's entitled to feel that just as you are entitled to your view of your childhood.

Just because someone is related to you, doesn't mean that you'll be close, you'll like each other, you'll want to spend time together. Perhaps she just doesn't feel that close to you all?

Maybe she feels that because she has one view of the childhood and you all have another, that you are - not 'the enemy' - but I can't think of the right word for it. Perhaps she feels that you dismiss her experience?

I don't know the answer. We can all just have a guess but there's only one person who knows - You could always ask her. Maybe tell her you'd like to be closer. See what she has to say?

I don't think there is an answer. Just accept her the way she is-she knows where to find you. Keep lines of communication open, but leave her to do her own thing.

Sometimes children within the same family can have very different points of view about what things were like - her relationship with both of your parents may have been different from yours, maybe because she was the oldest and their expectations of her were different, maybe just because she is herself and not you. And that could easily colour her feelings about all of you - you are "family" with people because you have a shared history in common, but when your memory of that history looks totally different from how the rest of the family see it, it's hard to feel "family" towards them.

If you want to have a relationship with her, I think you will need to try to understand her point of view, and acknowledge that her feelings are valid, even if you don't share them. She may never be as close as you'd like, but at least you'd be able to understand each other a bit better.

Sometimes the eldest sibling can be aware of stuff that went on in a family that younger sibs didn't 'get'

I appreciate your reply Bumfuzzle maybe the next time I see her I will ask her about this,

To be honest it doesn't bother me so much altough it would be nice if she was closer to us, I do know that it hurts my mum, She has said that she is fed up of always having to phone or text my sis first, my sis says she will visit and then doesn't bother as she is too busy,

I have sort of mentioned this to her before but she allways says that there is never enough time, she works from home ( chat lines ) so can work the hours she chooses, usually at night so sleeps late during the day,

My mum doesn't expect her to visit every week but the odd phone call to see how she is would be just fine.

You can pick your friends but not your family!

Don;t mean to be rude but maybe she doens;t like you or have anythng in common with you.

You say she's not busy but how do you know?

I do feel sorry for your mum though. Maybe you could write to her as that is less conrontational and that she doesn;t fee put on the spot.

I do see what all of you are saying, maybe she did see things in the family as we were growing up that the rest of us didnt,

my bro is only 2 years younger though and is closer to my dad than any of us,

She hasn't spoken to my dad in maybe 10 years but was asking recently if she should attempt contact as he has a few quid and he and his wife had built a few houses on their land and maybe he would be able to help her,

I told her not to bother as he would prob tell her to fuck off as he can be very funny about things like that, I only send him a card and call him on his birthday, fathers day and xmas, two minute call as asks if me and the kids are ok and thats it, he doesn'nt call me inbetween those dates, I think that is enough for him.

Well, as she is the eldest and says she had a crap childhood maybe she has different memories to you...and not great ones at that!

My sister blames a lot of stuff on her childhood. She is 5 years older than me and my childhood was bloody fab and I have no idea how hers can have been so different....but apparently it was and she has lots of issues as a result of this.

It sounds like you expect your sister to have the same attitude towards family interactions and fondness that you do.

She won't, becuase despite being ina family where 2 others have fit your mold, she doesn't. She's her own person.

Some people just don't like the family. Or seeing people reminds them of a painful time (you've said she wasn't happy about the childhood you all had). Or maybe she's just busy with a large circle of friends.

She's her own person - if she wanted to get in contact, she can, leave it at that. She may be missing out on some things, but it's her loss. But you can't dictate what she should be doing - she isn't you, doesn't have your values.

You can't force people related by blood to find each other interesting or want to spend time with them. sorry. and i think it's a shame that you judge your sister for doing what she wants to do, just because it doesn't fit with your expectations.

in fact, the way you've circled yourselves against her in your posts (3 of us a normal vs. she is not) makes me wonder about the reasons behind her declaring her childhood horrid, whilst you three think it was fine. there's more to this than meets the eye maybe?

Ok I accept that maybe her childhood was different to ours but why is she the way she is now towards my mum and stepdad? He is the best thing that ever happened to our family,

Ok she was married when they got together but he was there just as much for her and her 2 kids as he was for mine and the rest of us, I just don't get how her ex husband cares more about my stepdads birthday than she does, doesn't she realise that it hurts my mum.

I'm gonna text her later and ask her if she sent him a card, 50p card thats all it takes

I can sort of see some of myself in your sister, to be honest. My family isn't a touchy feely type family but my brother is a lot closer to my parents than I am (some would say TOO close - goes on holiday with them, eats most meals there, visits every day to use their phone/internet). It's precisely because of this, and the way it gets shoved in my face so that I feel left out, that I bother less and less, so it's like a vicious circle. He's single and friendless, and I'm married and 5 hours away, but it still hurts.

Maybe your sister feels a little bit the same - that you don't want her around and have your cosy little family unit, and that she'd be unwelcome within it? That's how I feel about my family :(

"but why is she the way she is now towards my mum and stepdad? He is the best thing that ever happened to our family"

In YOUR opinion.

YOUR expectations.

She isn't you, you know.

Stop trying to be the pillar of morality/the morality guardian of what people "should" do in your family. You're all adults. She might have no idea that her level of interaction is an issue, or maybe she does and doesn't give a fuck because she was miserable growing up.

The problem here is your expectation that she does as you think is right.

I think that the others have all made really good points. I'd also add that I would not put myself in the position to listening to your mum's complaints about your sister and trying to be a go-between. That's likely to annoy your sister. Try and negotiate a relationship with your sister first

My sister is only 18 months younger than me, but we have very, very different views about our childhoods. Like you, she feels that we had an amazing childhood full of hot summers and ice creams IYSWIM. I, on the other hand was very unhappy for a lot of my childhood. We didn't have a bad childhood, just I was unhappy for many different reasons. Luckily we can talk about it and we are very close, but we do have these very opposite views about growing up. There are things I remember that she doesn't and vice versa. I find it hugely interesting talking to her about it - sometimes it feels like she is talking about a group of people I have never met!

So I don't know why your sister isn't interested in family but that's just how it is. You could talk to her about it, but when you do you need to respect that just because you see things differently and possibly remember things differently doesn't mean either of you is wrong.

that was meant to read : " I would not ut myself in the position of listening to your mum's complaints etc etc"

If your mum has issues with your Sister, she needs to be the one to address it, not you. They are both adults

p.s. I'd missed the little triangle formation between the OP, the mum and the sister.

agree that if their mum has an issue with how often the sister contacts her, she raises it with the daughter in question. then that daughter can communicate if she was just unaware, too busy, or just didn't want to visit more often (for various reasons).

none of this "OP and mum have a bitching session" (however slight - it's small alliances like this that cause people to feel left out whilst never really solving the issues people have - talk about unconstructive!). waste of time and rather pointless.

Believe me we have never been against her at all,

She has always been a major part of our lives, I wouldn't be here now if it wasnt for her, My sis offered me a place to escape to when myself and the kids fled their dad 12 years ago, I will be forever thankfull to her and her dh (ex now) for that, but it seems that she was only ever interested when shit was going down, since she split from him she doesn't care anymore.

Out of the four of us she got the best deal out of our parents being together as she was the oldest, car. wedding, deposit for house. then they split up and she is the most bitter about it,

I don't care about her relationship with my dad, if she don't want anything to do with him them its up to her, my ex bro in law is still in contact with him for their kids, he has lost both his parents and feels its important for his girls.

When her kids were young she wanted us ( me and younger sis) to be involved in everything they did, even though we lived no where near then, We had to come see everything, they had a school show, majorettes, anything we had to come see but my little niece is almost 6 and she only has time to see her her at birthday get togethers, xmas and the wedding and funeral of her daddy,

She lives 10 min drive away, has never offered to babysit, She just doesn't seem to care unless its her own kids who are now 23 and 21

I prob am being unreasonable but as much as she wants to be her own person and distance herself from us I know for a fact that if any of us were to be lucky enough to maybe win on the lottery then she would be the first one to call, She has even said to me that when my dad goes (he would leave a fair bit) that if she isnt included then she will fight for her share.

by the way out of my whole family she is only one who doesn't do the lottery as she thinks its a waste of time.

Well, I think I can safely say none of you is going to win the lottery so that's one less thing to worry about !

you never know lol

is the lottery thing meant to be a joke?

maybe you did have a fab childhood and she didn't. just beacuse your emotional needs were met doesn't mean hers were. maybe your parents parenting style didn't suit her personality? maybe her friends have been there for her through think and thin while the family weren't. maybe if you want to be closer you need to say so and make the effort. find some common ground.

I'm a bit confuse OP. On the one hand you say your sister has been really supportive of you when you needed her, and on the other you are implying she's money-grabbing.

Do you really think this, or are you just angry that she wants to have more of an arms-length relationship?