To wonder why my older sis is so uninterested in our family

[sorrytosayivebeenthere]

Hi I am no 3 of 4 children (all adults now) 49, 47, 42 and 38

My older sis is the eldest, then my bro, me and younger sis. Our parents split when I was 18 so 24 years ago, both remarried, Never really got to know my dads wife as he is a funny man not very interested in us anymore.

Both myself and my db are still in contact with him although it is limited, My sisters have no contact, Older one cos she can't be arsed to make the effort, He is very hard work and I think very old school and if we don't make the effort then he will hold a grudge.

Younger sis didn't speak to him for years and then when her dh died last year my dad called her but no contact since.( I lost contact for a few years whilst with my abusive ex but when my bro told my dad about it he called me and we have been in contact since)

A few years after my mum and dad split my mum met and married a wonderful man, they were sweethearts at school, met up by chance, and my younger sis and I went to school with his 3 sons, He has been more than a stepdad to us and has been the only real grandad that my kids have known.

sorry if i'm going on a bit but felt a bit of history would be needed.

Well if you were to ask all four of us about our childhood I know that 3 of us would say we had a good childhood, hardworking dad, very loving mum who worked pt, My dad wasn't a very physical person, I cannot remember ever having a cuddle when I was young or anything but he was there for us and provided what we needed, We respected and looked up to him cos he was our dad, I do remember a few rows between my parents in my teens but nothing really bad.

My older sis reckons we all had a crap childhood,

Well now back to the present, Me, 2 sisters ( kids) and mum and stepdad all live in same area, my bro lives a fair bit away and works really hard but still finds the time to visit when he can and phones my mum regularly,

Both myself and my younger sis are very close to my mum, My mum is very good with my niece and takes care of her before and after school as my younger sis has to work, My older sis couldn't give a shit about any of us to be honest, she never visits or phones or texts unless there is a birthday or very special event,

She lives 10 minutes away from us by car (she drives, we don't) but no bus route so for us to go to her would take prob 40 min walking, not that she has ever invited any of us to her flat in 4 years,

It is my stepdads birthday today and my mum has heard nothing from her, my ex bro in law (who we are still very close to him as she left him for someone else and he is the father of my niece's) has dropped a card in but she will not bother, she never has for my stepdad.

My mum cannot understand why she is the way she is towards family, she always has more than enough time for friends but family doesn't seem to matter.

My mum says that she prob thinks that if there is a problem then one of us will let her know but I cannot understand why she can go months at a time wothout speaking to us, just to see how things are going or to catch up on any gossip, to see my little niece whos is almost 6 and just a wonderfull little girl,

I do not get how that out of four of us one can be so uninterested and cold towards close family members, we all grew up together, my bro was only 2 years after her, why does she have such a different perspective on our childhood?

I am one of five children and definitely the most distant from my family. It is because I had a very different childhood to the other four. Just because my older brother and younger half siblings had very happy childhoods does not mean that I did!

I do not bear them a huge grudge or anything, they just do not feature in my life a great deal. I rarely think about my siblings tbh.

she sounds like she has done a lot for you over time. were you equally as supportive when her relationahip failed?

maybe she still feels quite down about her own separation when you and your mum have now moved on and are happily esconced in your new lives?

if she's working all night on chat lines and sleeping all day, she's probably knackered to boot. she sounds quite unhappy and lonely tbh. and you sound extremely bitter and jealous (she had all the money/ deposit/ nice house etc)

i don't really see my little sister and her family tbh. a lot of that is logistics, but we speak about every 6 mos or so. i make sure i send christmas presents/ birthday etc, but she doesn't.

i don't lose sleep over it.

i'd agree about the 'different view from older sib' thing though. sil didn't speak to dh's/ her mum for three years recently, because of things that had happened during her v early childhood - to do with the sep between mil and her dad (dh has diff dad). everyone else in the world blames mil's xh (this was over 40 years ago lol), but sil blames her mum for her dad not having anything to do with her.

sil is also single. i think it can be extremely difficult to be an older single member of a family where everyone else is coupled up and playing happy families/ children etc. if you don't naturally fall into the role of favourite aunty or fun uncle, and have nothing in common with everyone else 'look how adorable your niece is!' then i think i'd rather work and be off with my freinds too...

I agree with frgaah.

My mum is the oldest of 4 and it pains her that her younger siblings all have a different view of their childhood than her.

JamieAgain yes my sis was very supportive when I split with my ex, I couldn't have done it without her and her ex husband as all my family lived in the same area but she was in a differente area, I was told to either go to a hostel with the kids or to move away to an area my ex didn't know,

I will be forever gratefull to her and her family for that but that does not mean that she can do whatever she likes and hurt people I care about and i'm not allowed an opinion cos she helped me then.

Once I got my own place she soon lost interest unless I had a court date which of couse she wanted to attend. She came to every court date which I very much appreicated for the support but rarerly saw her inbetween.

It just seems that since she split with her ex she just don't care,

Tbh I couldn't give a shit about her now but she is the mum of my 2 nieces, I would gladly not involve her or invite her to anything but I have to because of them,

My nieces are becoming just like her, they both drive and their only nan is a 10 min walk ( 3 min drive) from them yet they never visit her, she has seen them twice since xmas and that was boxing day and mothers day both times with my sis, its my mums birthday next month so she is hoping to see them again then.

I've seen them once, since xmas and that was at my mums on mothers day.

I haven't read other replies, but don't forget that if she was older, she would have witnessed a lot more of your parents' break up than you. Her childhood may have felt very different to her - esp if she is a particularly sensitive person.

Seems like you want it all your way, OP.

I'm not surprised she wants distance.

As for her being a 'diva', well, she didn't start a thread on the www to bitch about her sister.

She comes to gatherings and birthdays as you said. I see you are frustrated she doesn't want to be more involved than that, but I honestly think it's a stretch to think she's being deliberately hurtful. You version (and mine) and hers of a family relationship family are different.

What do you think about what madwomanintheattic said about her being single?

It seems Iabu here from the responces and ok I accept that to a certain degree.

I do accept that not only she but her then husband helped me out when I had to move away,

I would still have left if she couldnt help me as I did leave without knowing what I would do but things could have turned out very differently to how they did. we was offered a place in a hostel but my sis insisted we stay with them, she would sort it out with her hubby once we got there, luckily he was and is a very nice man, even though they have split he will allways be part of our family,

I will forever be gratefull to her for this just as I will be forever gratefull to my younger sisters best friend who gave us a place to stay for 3 nights as soon as we left, sorted out staying at my older sisters the following day after contacting housing assioation.

I guess I don't really wanna have a go at my sis for past stuff but am cross today as it is my stepdads birthday, he has been there for the last 24 years, He is lovely and would do anything for any of us but she has never so much as ackowledged his birthday, no text, card and never a present,

He doesn't expect anything from us, but I feel we at least owe him something for making our mum happy for the last 24 years.

I havn't spent a fortune on him as I don't have it, 3 tshirts from primark, and a card but I know that will make him very happy as he always said when he and my mum got together that as much as he loves his boys he always said that he would have loved to have a daughter too,

When he first got together with my mum we all used to drink in the same pub, Us girls and his boys) he used to tell new people that we were his daughters,

Ahh I'm just sad for my mum as I know that he doesn't expect anything from any of us especially my older sis but I know my mum hoped she would make the effort to at least send a card if nothing just to ackowledge its his birthday

You need to let this go, OP. She doesn't feel the same way about her childhood, the family or your stepdad. She's an entitled to how she feels as you to your own feelings and opinions. That's how it goes sometimes.

You are upset on behalf of your mum, and especially your stepdad. I do understand that. It sounds like you have a great relationship with them and you can't understand why she doesn't. But it's not in your power to fix it. It sounds like you want relationship with your sister, and she has shown she's someone who cares about you, so don't let your annoyance shut her out. Maybe you'll find out her point of view.

Whatever happens, she'll live with the decisions she makes.

ok just read last few replys and I accept that she and I very are different

As far as my parents breaking up, I do feel that it would have affected my younger sis and myself more as we were still living at home then, whereas older sis was married and bro had his own place living with girlfriend,

At the time I was also working for my dad in the family business,
(greengrocers) my younger sis was stillat school, we lived above the shop so when they split my mum moved away with my little sis, I was nearly 18 and working for my dad, My dad had to sell the shop so not only did I lose my family and home but also my job and friends,

My older sis was married at this time with a home of her own so I fail to see how the break up could have affected her more than us,

I am glad they broke up as they were not happy, it was only myself and my younger sis living at home then so we were not happy either.

few spelling mistakes, sorry

Had you considered that her unhappy childhood might also have been an abusive one and the reason she doesn't bother with contacting your mum is that she blames her for not protecting her?

Of course you won't know if this is the case or not, but there could be any number of quite legitimate reasons why she prefers to keep her distance. You seem to think that you have the right to interfere to stop her hurting people you care for: did you stop to think that those people may have hurt her pretty badly?

If you want a relationship with your sister, you'll need to stop being so judgemental about her attitude to the rest of the family.

good point Tanith. My mum's dad was horrible to her, but not the other children. They just don't acknowledge it

Tanith abusive in what way?

We do have a relationship with her, although it is when she can she be bothered with us,

She has no problem in her two daughters seeing us as and when they can be bothered,

You have really pissed me off to be honest, can it not just be that she she is a selfish cunt, and since she has split with her ex who used to nag her about keeping contact with family, she just dont give a shit and cant be arsed,

where does abuse come into it?

I am not judgemental, I am just pissed off that she doesn't seem to give a shit about her elderly mother and her very young niece who live 10 minutes down the road but if anything happened she would expext to be one of the first to be notified.

And also what this whole thread was started for is why she cannot send a card or a text to our stepdad for his birthday after 24 years of making our mum happy. he has never been horrible or anything to her,

He has allways treated her kids as his granchildren,

To an extent, I'm rather like your sister.

I like my brothers, sisters, nephews, nieces, etc. But I have a very busy life with my kids, their hobbies, work, etc. I don't live awfully far away, but all the others live within minutes of each other. I am terrible at keeping in contact. But when shit happens, I try to be supportive and be more available. But then back to my old ways until next drama happened.

I always make an effort to attend family parties, etc. But terrible at just 'visiting', or phone calls, texting, etc.

I am also the eldest in the family, but I had lovely childhood. I left home to go to college in my late teens, and have lived in different cities ever since.

I guess I don't feel as attached to my family as they seem to feel with each other. But I don't see any problem with this. Each to their own, I say.

However, if you put your sister under pressure about this, chances is that the relationship will get worse rather than improve.

Oh, and I don't send birthday cards either.

I think it would be really useful for you to take a deep breath and try to genuinely absorb what others have been trying to tell you - that you cannot control or decide how your sister choses to feel about her family.

I have 7 siblings. We are all different in how involved we are with each other. But we have realised as time has passed that there is nothing to be gained by trying to make others act as you do, feel as you do.

It actually isn't any of your business.
There may be issues you know nothing about or it may simply be that she can't be bothered.
Not being bothered, being selfish is her choice.

I don't see some of my siblings. I don't like them very much. It is no one elses concern to be honest.

I know it is hard for you to understand. I am sure your intent is good.
But you can't makes it hers feel the same as you, nor act as you would wish.

Some people just aren't very good at maintaining relationships in this way. It doesn't necessarily mean she cares any less. I know of people who do all the "right" things (i.e. sending cards, etc ) but deep down don't really care and plenty who don't but obviously do care a lot. The test is when the chips are down are you there for people? It sounds like she has been before and would be again.

Maybe she thinks you ( and the rest of your family ) don't need her much now.

You call your sister a "selfish cunt" and then in the same breath you say you are not judgemental?. You sound lovely. Why are you so concerned about your stepdads card?. Maybe your sister doesnt like him-thats her perogative.
As other posters have said maybe she has an entirely different view of your childhood which has contributed to her behaviour. I am currently estranged from one of my sisters as she refuses to hear a bad word against our mum and has totally re-written history.
Tbh I find your whole attitude odd-the "being grateful" to stepdad for making your mum happy. Surely that was part of his job description when he took your mum on?(I smell a whiff of burning martyr about you)If I was your sister I would find that very annoying.
My advice(though am sure you wont care)-is to let it go. Accept your sister as she is or have it out with her.

she was not abused in any way and this has all been twisted and is really horrible, my bro was only 18 months behind her and he isnt like her

can she not just be a selfish fucking twat now

she had no prob keeping reg contact when her kids were little and she needed something to do with them now she just cant be arsed,

she was happy enough talking about contacting my dad a while ago when she needed some money, she didnt cos we told her he isnt that stupid, she hasnt for 10 years.

when he does leave us i doubt he will leave us anything but if he does it will prob be just my bro and me as we are the only ones who make the effort to keep in contact, If he does I suspect that she will be there expecting something but cant speak for my bro as far as im concerned she can go whistle, if i do get anything then its for my kids. not her.

Some of you have made me even more against her than i was when I posted, abused, dont make me laugh, she was the first born, spoilt as shit,

I do love her, I just think she is a selfish twat and makes my mum unhappy, my mum is a lovely wonderfull woman who would anything for anyone, she is 67 years old and looks after my 5 year old niece before and after school and all the school holidays,

I have my own kids and am looking for full time work, I looked after my niece from 6 months to 4 and a half whn she started nursery every day for nothing cos I love her, Untill I get a job I help out in the holidays to give my mum a break.

My older sis lives 10 min down the road and has never offered to mind her even for an hour, she s ver keen if my younger sis is organising a night out but not to babysit, thats down to me or my mum.

Tbh my niece prob wouldnt wanna stay with her anyway as she hardley knows her,

Ok

You seem determined simply to take issue with those you want to fight with, whilst ignoring all those who have tried to give you helpful advice.

Do you not want any insight into this, or help as to how to work through it. Or do you just want to shout some more.

And fwiw your comments "abused, don't make me laugh, spoilt as shit" are pretty offensive to me.

'can it not just be that she she is a selfish cunt, and since she has split with her ex who used to nag her about keeping contact with family, she just dont give a shit and cant be arsed,'

'can she not just be a selfish fucking twat now'

Maybe she is, but you're definitely sounding like one yourself now.

You want everything on your terms, people have been explaining to you, over and over again, since you felt compelled to start this diatribe, why she might behave as she does, and even admitting that they are like your sister in some ways.

But it's falling on deaf ears.

You just refuse to see anything other than the way you want to see it.

Perhaps your mother is the same way. Perhaps she doesn't like your stepdad. Perhaps she doesn't even like you, because tbh you are starting to sound very unpleasant.

No matter what, it's too bad. She behaves how she does. If you get angry, won't let it go and waste time on emotions about it, it's your lookout entirely.

She doesn't sound horrible to me being there for you in your hour of need. Court cases, fleeing from your ex etc How is that selfish?

After she split from her husband you said she didn't want to know? Maybe she was depressed and had to look after herself for once.

Why should she babysit, she has looked after her own kids? Did you mind hers?
Is there a rule to say you have to WANT to babysit? Have you asked her?

there are two sides to every story and I don't think it's fair to make judgements without her side of the story