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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not get the 'have to stay for the kids' thing

76 replies

teahouse · 17/05/2011 19:38

A very good friend of mine is not in the greatest marriage. His wife apparently thinks everything is fine, but he doesn't, and although I do only hear one side of the story, if I had an unhappy partner I wouldn't deny something is wrong which apparently is her stance!

They have older teenage kids and other family commitments but am I being unreasonable in not understanding why he stays - you only have one shot at life and if being married to someone for the next XX years doesn't fill you with anything but dread, why waste those years.

If your relationship is one that you would hate your kids being in, why is it OK for you as a parent.

Does parenthood mean giving up a sense of self worth and abandoning happiness in the name of duty (although if someone was religious then duty may well be fine, but for the non-religious it seems a very lame excuse)?

OP posts:
blueshoes · 17/05/2011 20:13

I agree with your friend. Don't kid yourself that divorce does not hurt the children.

camillabelle · 17/05/2011 20:19

His kids only have one shot at childhood.

It's not about abandoning your self worth, it's about putting your kids first and not putting them through the misery of their parents divorcing and trailing between two homes every week. Not a great childhood for anyone. Obviously if the relationship is so awful it's causing you mental health problems or if it's abusive that's one thing. But I totally do see the point of staying together for the kids having seen the unhappiness divorce can cause and how it can literally ruin childhoods.

crashingwaves · 17/05/2011 20:21

It depends, if I thought being with DH would hurt, physically or emotionally, my children, I would leave. I have a friend who's husband verbally abuses their toddler, calling him a f*cking arsehole and all sorts. Horrible.

But to be honest I don't like being married to DH, I don't dislike it but I don't love him any more. I won't leave because of the children, though.

TheHouseofMirth · 17/05/2011 20:22

There's obviously no clear cut right thing to do or everyone would do it and no one would be hurt or unhappy, would they?

Personally, I've always hoped if I were in that position and DH and I could remain cordial then I hope we would stay together for the sake of the chidren because if anyone's going to suffer I'd rather it was us than the childen.

On Saturday there was an interview in the Family section of the Guardian with Jack Black where he say about his parents' divorce:
"There's something about a divorce in that even if your parents still love you, the fact that they can't live with each other makes you feel there's something wrong with you."

worraliberty · 17/05/2011 20:23

I don't think enough people put their kids first anymore.

So many kids with parents having a string of relationships and they're supposed to look happy and enthusiastic about every person they meet on the landing at night.

HerHissyness · 17/05/2011 20:30

how good a friend IS this "very good friend"... Hmm

Are you the one hearing 'My wife is fine, but I'm not happy', 'It's not her it's me', 'My wife doesn't understand me' stories?

Unless you know both sides, best to keep WEEELLLL out of it.

StickyFloor · 17/05/2011 20:32

For me, being a parent means putting your children first in every conceivable way - it makes perfect sense to me that in every aspect of my life I no longer think "what would be best for me?" instead I ask myself "what would be best for the kids?"

So i stay with dh because the kids would be less happy if I left him. Simple.

doley · 17/05/2011 20:35

All things being equal ,I believe people give up way too easily these days .

Like any other contract, marriage(and relationships involving children ) should be seen through .

I think people have a very rosy picture of how they think things should be..in actual fact it is bloody hard work most of the time .

I admire adults that stay for the children actually ,it can not be easy ~but it is (imo) the right thing to do :)

Ria28 · 17/05/2011 20:36

I think watching your parents' relationship deteriorate can be harmful too, though, even if there's no abuse or horrible rows. I know my mum would have left my dad years ago if not for me and my siblings, and I'm not sure that would have been any worse than watching them constantly snipe at each other and knowing she's not happy. Supposedly we base our ideas of relationships on our parents', and I know my ideas have been skewed. Each case is different of course, but unless you can hide your feelings very well divorce isn't necessarily the worst option.

DoMeDon · 17/05/2011 20:40

YABU - each to their own. It depends on the relationship. If you are happy enough together then it is enough.

IMO if you choose to have a family, you must try to make the best of it. There are of course situations which are not OK (we all know what they are)- being a bit disgruntled with your lot is not one of them. So DH has a paunch and his jokes aren't funny anymore, or DW is too tired for chandelier sex and moans about the washing up - get on with it, life's not a constant party. On the other hand if people cannot rub along together it will destroy the DC's self-confidence anyway. They pick up on simmering resentment too.

DC will end up hurt if people force themselves to stay or if they go- situation dicatates which one will hurt more.

troisgarcons · 17/05/2011 20:40

One presumes you marry for life..... you work through the bad times

Besom · 17/05/2011 20:42

It's also not great for children to grow up in a home where there is a lot of tension or unhappiness over many years.

Having grown up in such a home I always said I would never do this myself, but now I have my own relationship and my own child I can see the complexities involved. I agree that you can't really comment on this from the outside.

backjustforaminute · 17/05/2011 20:44

It's a dilemma - I am still with Dh because of the kids. The thought of spending the rest of my life with him fills me with cold dread but the DDs love us both and are happy. But, if the DDs end up in a relationship like this when they are older I would be dreadfully sad. I am fairly sure that if my parents had been unhappy but stayed together because of me I would have been miserable about that, too.

MumblingRagDoll · 17/05/2011 20:47

What herhissiness said! I agree...how close a "friend" are we talking about?

sleepingsowell · 17/05/2011 20:47

I think it is almost impossible to generalise - every child and every situation is different

My mum for instance grew up in a home where her parents were clearly quite toxic for each other and there were huge rows - huge.

However she told me that she was glad her parents were together; she took great strength and security from the fact that they clearly stayed together because the family was important enough to stay for. They were a unit and at least, no matter how dysfunctional, they weren't 'broken'.

Of course another child may have perceived the same situation differently.

But the one generalisation that we can safely make is that the effects of divorce on children are profound and lifelong in most cases no matter how civilised the parents think things are; and you simply cannot know what the long term effects will be.

RedHotPokers · 17/05/2011 20:49

OP I find it bizarre why you can't get why people stay together for their kids. Maybe you don't agree with it, but surely you can understand it?

manicbmc · 17/05/2011 20:51

I don't think you can judge unless you know both sides. I left my husband after 16 unhappy years. I tried my best but he didn't care enough to stop drinking and in the end it was better for my mental health, and my kids, to leave.

doley · 17/05/2011 20:55

manicbmc this is the type of situation where you had no choice ,things were not equal .

I would have left then too .

I hope things are better for you all now :)

manicbmc · 17/05/2011 20:58

Things are great thanks. I wish I'd had the courage to do it years ago. Smile

The thing is, if you'd asked my ex he would have said there were no problems and all our friends thought we were the most solid couple but they had no idea of my side.

Oblomov · 17/05/2011 21:03

I don't get it either. And I don't see divorce as such a bad alternative, compared to what could be the misery of living in a household where the 2 parents don't want to be together. That doesn't set children a good example on what a loving relationship should be like, or what it is like to have self worth and not settle for 2nd best. Often, They think they hide it from the kids, but kids pick up more than we realise.
And I disagree with worra. I think parents put their kids first too much. not putting themselves first often enough. But, also, they think they are putting their kids first, but I am not so sure they are, when they stay for wehaat they think is the kids best interests.
But I agree with doley. people give up on marraiges too easily. sometimes, first sign of trouble and their off !

sleepingsowell · 17/05/2011 21:07

Oblomov you're right I think that it doesn't set a great example - however, that's quite an adult-centric view imo. Children don't really care about the quality of the parental relationship - most, imo and ime, care more that THEY are important enough for their parents to stay together with and for.

Also, the misery of living in a family where the parents are at odds, is still LESS in most cases than the misery of having a parent leave you. Because physically, that is what happens to a child. And even more so if that parent then goes on to another relationship and has another child. Then your dad (usually) not only chose not to live with you, but chooses to spend every day with another little child.

I don't know how we expect kids to deal with this stuff really.

Oblomov · 17/05/2011 21:14

I agree with DoMeDon. Staying hurts(I mena if you don't want to be there). Going hurts. which hurts more ? not sure any of can say.

Hassled · 17/05/2011 21:15

I agree with the OP - I left a bad marriage with two young kids, and yes, it definately affected them. I'll always feel very guilty about that - we had some rough years - but I still don't think I did the wrong thing. I think had I stayed, my desperate unhappiness (and that of my Ex - he was never a bad man, and we're friends now) woudl have affected them far more than the divorce did. Growing up in a house where there's an atmosphere you can almost touch, where there's constant bad-feeling and sniping, where there's never any spontaneous laughter or enjoyment of life - that's no way for a child to live.

It's one of those things where until you're there, unless you're a part of it, you just don't know how you'll react and what you'll prioritise. I don't think teahouse's friend's marriage can be that bad if he's staying regardless.

sleepingsowell · 17/05/2011 21:21

Hassled I think you've hit the nail on the head - about it being no way for a child to live with no spontaneous laughter or enjoyment of life. Taking my mum's example again I know that her parent's rows were biblical in proportion - however, in between times her parents had a huge love of life and enjoyment in it, and the house was full of laughter - I guess it was life lived large! Taylor and Burton-esque, without the money and diamonds Grin

Which I guess is why she sees it as a positive thing that they stayed together - there was enough true family life to give her the security.

I am thinking aloud now. I just have seen so much damage from divorce for various reasons over the years that I still believe together is best most of the time excepting abusive situations. I guess a home where there is never any joy is an abuse of a kind anyway.

stickytoffeepud · 17/05/2011 21:22

maybe thats why so many kids have parent induced "issues" because the parents are pretty selfish and dont put the kids needs before their own

i do feel sorry for all the kids who develop behavioural problems and what not after their parents have put them through the emotional mill :(

the parents wont be told though - its always something else to blame of course