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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"The only thing that matters is a healthy baby"

120 replies

confuddledDOTcom · 17/05/2011 18:52

I thought I'd spin this off from the other thread and see what others thought about it.

I really loathe and detest that phrase. As someone who has lost a baby and has had premature babies who are both affected by their prematurity (my partner has two other children, the eldest has a heart condition) I'd rather someone said they'd really love to have a girl or a boy than say "the only thing that matters is a healthy baby" surely the only thing that should matter is a living baby?

What does that make my girls or my stepchild? They're not the healthy baby that's the only thing that's supposedly all that matters. How about children with physical disabilities, SEN or serious health complications? I wonder what those people who only want a healthy baby would do if they have a sick or disabled child.

Whereas saying "I really want a boy/girl" is a valid preferences, you can have one or the other and it's not a health issue, ones not better than the other, they're just equal preferences. It doesn't suggest the person doesn't care about their child if it's the "wrong" sex.

What really annoys me is when people say "how dare you have preference? Think of the women who've lost children" No, please don't think of me. I've lost a baby and still had a preference each time! How dare you verbalise my thoughts on my behalf?!

I should add that my children are not a disappointment and I don't get upset because I think people are suggesting it. I just think that phrase is worse than a sex preference and I get annoyed at people verbalising on my behalf.

OP posts:
unfitmother · 17/05/2011 18:54

YANBU, I dislike it too.

SilveryMoon · 17/05/2011 18:55

I agree.
When I hear people say "as long as it's healthy,,,,,,,,,," I often think, well what if it's not???
A friend of mine said that phrase to me the other day.

virginiasmonalogue · 17/05/2011 18:56

Agreed!
I hate it when you ask people if they know what they're having and they answer "as long as it's healthy", whilst looking down at you, as if I didn't give a shit as long as it was a girl\boy.

tiredgranny · 17/05/2011 19:00

i think what people mean by healthy baby is another way of saying a live baby they r not going to come out with hope its alive when born

JeremyVile · 17/05/2011 19:01

It might be a clumsy phrase but I don't see anything untoward about hoping your child is healthy.

Cattleprod · 17/05/2011 19:03

'Health' has such a wide range of meanings though. I think when most people use the word in this context they mean they hope the baby is born alive and without a condition that is incompatible with life, but obviously you wouldn't say something like that to a pregnant woman, so they use the vague term 'healthy' instead.

I do get tired with being asked about gender preference though. It would be absolutely pointless to have a preference when I don't get a choice and would be delighted with either sort of baby.

doley · 17/05/2011 19:03

I understand op .:)

I think it is just an expression that people say without giving it much thought .

I also think that sometimes people say it actually meaning what you are saying/thinking .

It can't be taken too personally ,although I totally understand why you would and would be hurt .

One of my brothers has SN ,his Mum will still says that expression to a new Mums ,even though she too understands/and has your feelings.

rogersmellyonthetelly · 17/05/2011 19:03

I think when people say this, they are saying that the health of the child is more important to them than whether its a girl or a boy, and rightly so.
But I agree, it is a slightly crass and insensitive way of saying things, as many people arent so fortunate.

redexpat · 17/05/2011 19:05

Have never thought about it before, but yes you make a valid point. YANBU.

SardineQueen · 17/05/2011 19:05

It's a stock response to an intrusive question. People who say it don't mean that they will not want or like a child that is not 100% healthy.

I think that YABU although I understand that you have personal reasons for thinking as you do.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 17/05/2011 19:06

You're being ridiculous. There is absolutely nothing wrong with hoping your baby is healthy. It doesnt make children with issues any less valuable but it would be lying to pretend that every pg woman doesn't start the journey hoping for a healthy child.

saffy85 · 17/05/2011 19:06

I want a healthy baby. I don't mind if it's a boy or a girl. I'll still love this baby as much as I love it's sister if it's not healthy. Healthy to me does not equal "perfect". I make no apologies for wanting a healthy baby.

SardineQueen · 17/05/2011 19:07

I also take it to mean hoping that the baby survives the birth. Not so long ago many babies didn't, and I bet this isn't a new thing that people say.

ivykaty44 · 17/05/2011 19:08

What do you want people to say "as long as its a live baby"

Hippee · 17/05/2011 19:09

I don't think that's what people really mean. They just hope it will be healthy. Don't we all hope that our children will be healthy? If they are not, we still love them

justkeepingheadabovewater · 17/05/2011 19:10

Having nearly lost my baby at birth, and then watching him fight to stay alive over the next few weeks, I can sympathise with you.

However for me it didn't matter if it was a girl or boy, we didn't find out, and I didn't judge others for having a preference. I did want a healthy baby though, which we did not get, and most people do, which is why they say it.

I think it comes back to not experiencing the same issues. People can't understand if they haven't been through it and they don't know what the right thing to say is. I don't think they are trying to offend you.

tiredgranny is right, it would be awful to say 'as long as it's alive...'

bemybebe · 17/05/2011 19:10

What is wrong with wishing a healthy baby?? I am 21 weeks pg and I am asked about boy/girl preference and I do wish only that my baby is healthy. If the baby is not healthy, it is a reason for sadness. Also, having witnessed several declines and deaths of close relatives, some of who were not old at all, I can vouch that death can come as a relief from terrible suffering. Whilst I will never wish death on anyone (as a relief or not) I do wish all pregnant mothers-to-be healthy pregnancies and healthy babies in the end.

Hippee · 17/05/2011 19:10

Oops - I must type really slowly, x-posted with the last few.

SardineQueen · 17/05/2011 19:11

If someone has a condition which may be hereditary is it wrong of them to wish that their offspring will not inherit it?

There are some things in our family on both sides that I'd rather our children didn't inherit - I hope that they will be healthy. Is that wrong?

JeremyVile · 17/05/2011 19:12

I would always hope for a healthy baby, I hope that my friend doesnt get cancer, I hope my brother doesn't develope mental health issues, I want my mother to have a relatively healthy old-age. I sincerely hope I don't get ill myself.

None of these are selfish thoughts, and my reaction to any of these things happening would not be anythg is flippant as disappointment.

LiegeAndLief · 17/05/2011 19:13

When I was pg with dc2, and people asked if I wanted a boy or a girl, I used to say "a full term healthy baby". Dc1 was prem and I really did want a full term healthy baby more than anything - it certainly didn't mean though that I wouldn't have loved another prem baby just like I did (and still do of course) dc1.

WorzselMaamage · 17/05/2011 19:15

Hmmm, I've had 2 prems too and I still think people saying "the only thing that matters is a healthy baby" a valid statement.

If I have another baby I'll stand on my head for 9 months if I have to to ensure baby stays but till it's cooked and doesn't need intensive care fir months on end.. That's wishing for a healthy baby! It doesn't mean I wouldn't love a baby with disabilities, or another prem, of course i would just the same, but it isn't something to hope for.

Chrysanthemum5 · 17/05/2011 19:16

YANBU however I think it is just something people say without thinking it through. When I was asked if I wanted a boy or a girl I just used to say i didn't care as long as it was happy.

corblimeymadam · 17/05/2011 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Georgimama · 17/05/2011 19:21

You wouldn't love your children any more if they didn't have their health problems, OP, but you'd prefer it if they didn't have those problems wouldn't you? That's all anyone means.

I'm 29 weeks pregnant after 2 miscarriages on the trot. I have deliberately refused any blood tests/nuchal scans etc because I don't want to know what if any problems my daughter has until she gets here. Naturally I would prefer it if she didn't have any problems but if she does she will still be my daughter. I'm not worried about me - I can cope with whatever life throws at me - I don't want her to have to cope with disability; who does?